I know thats how I would be 'Janda'....one question would lead to another, etc, etc, however I would imagine eventually there could be no more questions, I hope? Maybe not.

I know I would be very hurt over hearing some of my FWW replies, but I gotta find out the truth.

That time will eventually come. In my case, I just reached a point where I realised that asking further questions wasn't really going to help improve things.

Eww.....

Some'a mistake'a to make'a. And WW believed it?

Either she believes it, or she wants me to believe it. Both options don't really look that good to me!

Janda,

I know it seems like its not going your way. So I wanted to publicly praise you for what you've done so far.

Janda,
Thank you for finding this site and signing up.
Thank you for listening to the advise given.
Thank you for doing instead of just arguing
Thank you for exposing yourself to help your BH.
Thank you for shining the truth on this ugly act of betrayal.

My wife and I are on here, and we went through the same thing y'all are.

We could not do it face to face, we had to sit in different rooms and talk through instant messenger to keep it as calm and as safe as possible.

Now that I have all my answers, I feel a lot safer because I don't have that hurt that my wife is trying to keep her and OM's secrets from me anymore.

Should the OM ever show up and try to start bragging "Did you know this? or this? or that?"

My answer would be "She told me everything, i have nothing to say to you, bye"

Soldier on Janda!

Janda, I have not read the whole thread, nor am I an expert on the subject. But as someone who is still dealing with a VERY recent A, I thought I'd give my 2 cents.

I did NOT want to hear the details of my wife's A, but I was taught by the experts in this forum and the MB material that 100% "Radical" honesty was the only path to recovery. I was also told stories of people who didn't know the whole story for 20 years, and it almost drove them crazy! So, I insisted to my W that as hard as it was to hear, I wanted to know every last detail. Even the positions they did it in, the exact times of day, everything. Even though it hurt terribly, the "mind movies" I had been making up in my head for the weeks prior suddenly went away. For some reason I felt very relieved to know every detail. And, now I am greatful that she told me everything as early as she did, because I know it would have driven me crazy over the years if she didn't.

So, if you haven't yet, I would do it. Tell every last detail, no matter how much you think it will hurt. I promise, he will be relieved to know, and it will free him from ever wondering again. You will be doing him a huge favor.

Good luck!

Janda

How things going?

Janda:

I wanted to second this thought:


And add the next: What if you had done this 10-11 years ago? Where do you think your BH would be now?

That's all anyone is asking here.

Your offended because your husband isn't "asking you the right way", and folks are calling you out on that.

If you really understood what they are asking you, that if you HAD done these things, then maybe, for ten years, you may not have ever been asked about it again. Whether your BH husband asked you like this: "Did you @#$% him off?" or like this: "When you were with OM, did you perform in an oral way?"

And that Primal, not loving, type of SF that you two had yesterday? Your BH was claiming you back. With all that new knowledge he had of you, he was staking his claim....

It took him 12 years to get there.

You will be surprised how much better your marriage can be going forward from here.

He has been in purgatory for 12 years. Now you BOTH can climb out.

Understand something. I'm not the betrayed husband here, I'm the one who had a 4.5 year PA with OW. There was ALOT to tell my BW. And I did. Until she was satisfied with what SHE NEEDED to know. She still asks about things. 4 years later.

As Mel pointed out, I raped my wife emotionally with my A. I do not complain about the uncomfortableness that I may feel when she triggers. I just comfort her, answer her questions, address her concerns, if possible, and tell her I'm sorry for having done this to HER. And then I thank her for allowing me to stay with her.

You can get there.

You have been been a bad place for a long time. You are traveling to a better place now. Much better. Sure, there will be some turbulance along the way. But the place you end up is much better.

LG

Thanks for your thoughts. I knew I probably wouldn't be getting much sympathy here, but I feel like there's anger bordering on hatred coming from some. You know, the main reason I thought about outing myself on here was not for me. It's for H. Maybe a little for me to make the questioning stop I suppose. I know what I did was beyond wrong. It's probably hollow sounding to say it, but I profoundly regret what I did to our M and what it's done to my husband especially when it came crashing down. That was our M's lowest of lows. You can call it avoidance or self-preservation, but my reluctance to share the gory details was meant to shield H from any more of the effects of the affair. I think what I am learning through people here on MB is that isn't the right way to handle my mistakes. I'm just making it worse. The voices that mean the most to me are the people that have been through my experience, especially the BH's. A lot of what you say, I see in my H. I wish he didn't have the need to know things so explicitly, but I am starting to understand the why's a lot more now. So, thank you.
I still feel a lot sleep deprived. H took another vacation day from work. Work is my escape the past couple of days. It's like he's on pins and needles waiting for us to get some private time to resume the talking. I am so talked out, but I realize he needs this. SF is more of the same. He asks, and I think he knows I won't say no. He is still aggressive, and it's always the same position. Just knowing about hysterical bonding keeps me from freaking out or thinking differently of him. Otherwise, I think we'd be in a big fight by now.
I am going to insist that we schedule these talks on a weekly basis. Right now, though, I don't think he is ready for that. Now that I've started answering, he just wants to ask and re-ask. Analyze, then ask again. I thought about quitting MB. Glad I haven't...so far.

Wow, So now I can be more understanding of myself and why I am such a shell of the man I used to be.

During our marriage there were little episodes of adultry that she would never own up to but I thought I was strong enough to deal with it.
I lived with my wife for 3 years after her affair before she became sick with cancer. During those three years we treated the affair with the same attitude and she never said she was sorry. I chaulked it up to the drugs finnally taking over her sense of right and wrong. She had fought off some big issues in her life but this one finnaly took her.
She passed away without telling me she was sorry for the pain she caused me and the children. I did bring it up before she got sick but.. Well because only she, the woman I was dedicated to, could have helped me with that pain, I will have to trust God and the common sense of places like this to take away those feelings.
This thread has been very revealing as to what damage past affairs can do to the BS.
Thanks for confirming what I already knew in my heart guys and am still recovering from.

Janda while you have the chance help your husband regain his sense of masculinity.

For you, Thanks for coming here and fighting for your marriage.

Janda,

I think I identified strongly with your H and what he is feeling. Perhaps many others did as well.

It took me a few days of reading when I first found MB, before I realized what I was doing and had done to my wife, the self-realization was not pretty.

NJ

Janda,

MB is the ONLY way you're going to get through this. You haven't been shielding him from the A -- you've been shielding yourself from the consequences.

My FWW finally admitted that's why she waited so long to tell me. She was still trying to come to terms with what she had done.

What your BH has is gangrene of the soul. You have to tear off the sloppily applied bandage and do the real work of repair. If you don't, your M will crash and burn.

It's not going to be easy. You already know that. But you have begun to take the right steps.

Read the material on this website....and re-read "Joseph's Letter." It's the straight deal.

You can do this, but you're going to face a lot of heat. Just be ready for it.

This thread has helped me and hopefully my wife, more than you can ever believe. I hope to apply what we've learned in short order.

Asking re-asking is normal.

Heylo,

Just wanted to drop you a line, to say thats its not going to be easy and it will be exhausting..

I have nothing new to say, just wanted to let you know we are rooting for y'all.

Pep

I think that it would do them good for her BH to come here and post.

Your take?

Hey all. Quick post. Getting more sleep, although things are more of the same. Still asking the same questions, but I think he's starting to realize that's he's running out of ways to ask the same things. Only new twist is that he wants to recreate positions/acts I did with OM. Still weird for me, but I'm going along with it.

Janda:

This line says it all:

Go along with it. Throw your self into it.

How long did it take your BH to grow tired of some of the questions after he got the truth? Not long did it?

Use that to continue on this path of truth.

Your doing great.

LG