Maybe sooner than she thinks LLL will be telling her H: I am sorry you are unhappy...
Let's see if he likes that.

Blessing

Exposing won't probably lose his job for him, but officially he can't be patted on the back for it, and also, the fact that he's sleeping with a grad student who he assigns grades for and approves disseratation will not look good. Furthermore, it leaves H open to grievances filed by other students for unfair competition/advantage for fellowships, jobs, etc. There is a fairly closely monitored policy that profs not have as students in their classes/advisement persons their are married to, a relative of or otherwise personally attached to. This is the part of the ethics standards that might have the most impact. Also, using university or government grant funds to pay for trysts in hotels during "professional meetings" out of town would have further ramifications. He would not be such a successful procurer of federal and state grants if he's investigated for misuse of funds. One of the things the PI is looking into is a specific conference last November that H and HP attended where I found a receipt in a stack on his desk for dinner in his hotel room. I thought that odd, because he never eats dinner in his room....then I looked carefully at the hotel bill he has a copy of in his "professional travel" file, and found the hotel charges included dinner and an in room movie. So I went back and looked closer at the room service receipt and saw 2 wines, 2 dinner salads, two main courses and dessert. A business meeting with movie? I think not. And that trip was paid for with federal grant funds, including hotel, meals, etc.

This is not an "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" type of site. If that were really so, the whole world would be blind and have no teef!... (not my origional quote)

Yep, exposure will hurt him...and he knows. I am sure he is planning too. Not much he can do..but I am sure he will do all he can to save his butt.
The thing is, if the whole story turns ugly, you will suffer from it too.
I would pick the road that best serves you also in terms of lower stress for you.
blessing

LLL, PI's are the best, if you get a good one. Apparently, you have the resources. I bet you find plenty that can be used in negotiatiations. Spitzer and South Carolina's governor are having diificulties with the misuse of funds issue. It is a potent one.
I am sure, by now, you are questioning a lot about what may have gone on in the past. Many of us deal with this, as , seldom, are these folks forthcoming.
After years of reading and researching this infidelity crap, I hacome to the conclusion that affairs are like cockroaches: if you find one, there are almost certainly many others. Studies show the vast majority of affairs go undetected. So, it is unlikely this is his only one, IMO.

What I am saying here is that the loss of feelings for someone can be gone in no time. This can happen both to a WS as well as a BS.
You can't have eye for eye in a site like this since feelings are involved and you can't make yourself not love the WS. But if after the discovery of the A your feelings for the WS are gone...it is very understandable.
blessing

Okay, I can see the possibility for some professional damage, but I don't know if it's going to be enough for him to sit back and let you take him to the cleaners.

There have been a lot of high-profile A's in the media in recent years, and while the initial fallout (I'm thinking Tiger Woods here at the moment) can be bad, the long term effects on career (think Brangalina, Kobe, more politicians than one can count) just doesn't seem all that grievous. Unfortunately, I think we've come to a place where A's (in the media, at least) aren't really seen as all that terrible.

Academia seems to have a similar take on A's. I know all about the policies that most universities have regarding A's between professors and students, but I also know (and you have admitted) that these policies are rarely adhered to. In my grad program, it was widely known that certain professors regularly engaged in inappropriate behavior with students. None of these A's were publicly acknowledged and it was supposed to be very secret and hush-hush, but everyone knew, everyone made jokes about it, and no one, as far as I know, ever suffered any repercussions for such actions.

Agree.

writer1....are there any homes for sale with a view at your location: Cliffs of Insanity? I love the name....fits perfectly for my situation....I may relocate!

Affairs are not taken seriously here in Italy. Look at their prime minister...he had loads of women in his villa. Finally his W asked for a D after over 20 years of this...but they shut her up. And he is still the prime minister!
blessing

You may have to dumn down your posts a tad. Anyway, I would NOT expose. You have a lot of options. I WISH someone would have helped me keep my cool and think of this like a business and I would have handled it like a BUSINESS PARTNER. DISSOLVE. I thin you are costing yourself some cash if you expose. Have you been happy in your M? Its going to take a long time to FIX, if it can be FIXED. What about when you get a severe illness, is he going to be there for you? DUDE

I agree with you Dude, regarding this situation. LLL is in a totally different position than most of us. She should play her cards well.
He H, however, is hard to pin point. Not sure if he has been a serial cheater or if this is just his first trasgression mainly due to his age and flattering needs from younger women.
In any case...no..he might not be there if she were to need him in the future.
Same could be said for my H...and your W.
blessing

Exposure WILL hurt him, and there will be consequences. They just won't be the end of his career like they would be in another field. If anything, he'll at least be scolded for getting caught. And yes, there very well could be grievances filed by other students when the story comes out. It's very humiliating - I've seen it happen before. But they won't fire a male prof, especially one that gets federal and state grants. And they won't publically pat him on the back but there will be a few high-fives going on somewhere.

I still think exposure is the way to go, regardless of whether you are looking for recovery or divorce. Exposure WILL end the affair - they will expel this student or switch her to another advisor. They will shame her and she'll likely quit anyway and she certainly won't have a future in this field. Get her out of the picture and then see how you feel about recovery. You can make the choice to divorce at any time. But once you have made it, your chances of recovery are infinitely more remote.

My feelings x-actly. At first gleen, It might be great to visualize all this power that a BS may hold, but the truth is, our yucky society does not deem EMA's as big a deal as the people here do. I am in a post graduate Ed.S., I can't see anyone even caring if one (or a few) of the prof's have A's. In fact, they seem quite downright "hippy" and very laid back attitudes.

LLL is very smart. She is gathering her evidence and her wits.

LLL: It's from "The Princess Bride." I find the location quite fitting for my own situation as well.

And to answer your other question, no, I don't think many people knew exactly what they wanted within 2 weeks of finding out that the person they loved and trusted had betrayed them. I think that's why it is generally advised that you don't make any rash, life-altering decisions until you have had time to think and process everything that has happened to you.

The University would not DARE shame or expell or do anything untoward to the OW/student. She will be seen as the victim, and would/could sue the stuffing out of a University who biased against her for sex.
Socially and Career wise, she could be harmed, maybe. But just as often as naught the BS/XW is seen as written off as just being bitter and vengeful, this could backfire. I don't see anyone who carries a scarlett "A" anymore.

People simply do not throw 7-10 years of study, tens of thousands in student loans down the toilet because they are embarrassed. The University will surpress any publication of this grant/misappropriation type info because they do not want to invite other law suits from denied grant applicants. Only a "short list" denied student who has personal knowledge/proof of intent may get a hearing. Probably not, tho. It just won't happen.

Y'know, I may be wrong in this, because I'm too busy (lazy) to search for it now, but I recall on more than one occasion Dr. H. has been quoted here saying that if children are not involved, then he would NOT counsel that the M be R in the event of infidelity.

I would welcome ML or someone correcting me on this, if I'm wrong.

Barbiecat, I've seen it so many times. The "old boys club" will not consume their own. They will make the OW out into a tramp. Though I hate OW's as a matter of principal, I actually feel bad for these ones. They have no idea what they're in for and just how badly they are going to ruin their lives. The saddest thing is that when she's gone, there will be a line-up of replacements for her.

FWIW, even if it would not be career ending, the threat of exposure, should LLL choose to use it as a bargaining tool, is powerful, IMO. Bryant lost millions in endorsements. Woods, as well. Edwards was ruined as is Spitzer.
Some stuff will be cut and dried, like splitting retirement assets and property acquired during the marriage. But, invariably, there are bones of contention, gray areas, etc. where simply reminding him that going to hearing makes things very public.
Other than the Hollywood cheaters, most cheaters do suffer both humiliation and monetary losses due to exposure.

lll, why don't you just visit WH's boss? Go to his office, sit down, explain the situation, and ask him for help?