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THAT'S IT I'M THROUGH WITH HIM!!!
OMG! What scumbag! I'm so mad that I blew my cover.
I had spent all day yesterday drafting my exposure letter.
I didn't talk to him much, which was OK...
so today he's leaving to New York on a business trip...OW is on the same plane. He told me last nite he had to be up at 4 AM. That got me wondering if he might not be as 'careful' with his cell phone. So I purposedly stayed up, and while he was in the bathroom..ran for his cell phone. I didn't have much time, but I forwarded whatever I found in that 10 min. There's no sure signs of A, but what pissed me off is the email he sent her....he stayed up till 2 AM writing her 2 pages letter, and not even finish. I couldn't help it. I called him names I could think off. Then I told him I'm not keeping my promise and will tell people.
I know he's gonna leave and divorce me. But after catching his lies, just about everytime I snooped....is enough.
I know this is anger, and it probably will hit me hard. He was everything to me.
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Catperson, what I meant to say was...he said our marriage is over. To him it's been over for a long time, to which I said I don't believe him. He said he's done waiting for me to be well, and it's selfish of me to make him stay just because I wanted to show him things will change. He said the affair made him realize how unhappy he was and how detached his feeling toward me. It's been dead, and he doesn't see it any other way. kprisca: my H said the EXACT same words...I mean...exact. Twice, because he had 2 A not one. Now we are separated. They do re-write history and yes, should OW be out of the picture then you might have a change, but it is not guaranteed so please take care of yourself. And reflect upon this sentence you posted: If he was... then you are nothing to yourself. YOu are nothing. That is what he see when you looks at you now. Nothing. But you know you are a wonderful, independent person who just happens to be hurt by a man who now is an alien...who turned into a "nothing" of a man. Because there is nothing about him right now you would like if you were to meet him for the first time. blessing It is not true you are nothing without him
atena
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Catperson, what I meant to say was...he said our marriage is over. To him it's been over for a long time, to which I said I don't believe him. He said he's done waiting for me to be well, and it's selfish of me to make him stay just because I wanted to show him things will change. He said the affair made him realize how unhappy he was and how detached his feeling toward me. It's been dead, and he doesn't see it any other way. kprisca: my H said the EXACT same words...I mean...exact. Twice, because he had 2 A not one. Now we are separated. They do re-write history and yes, should OW be out of the picture then you might have a change, but it is not guaranteed so please take care of yourself. that's just mind-boggling! I notice that too, in reading more posts in this forum. I wonder where they found the Idiot-guide to Fog-talking? that'd be on my next to-do list....NOT!!!  And reflect upon this sentence you posted: If he was... then you are nothing to yourself. YOu are nothing. That is what he see when you looks at you now. Nothing. [/quote] LOL...yeah...it does make me ridiculously nothing.... that's prob. why i didn't hold back this morning. honestly, I don't trust myself to have the patience for a solid Plan A, let alone Plan B. It'd be a diff story if he showed some efforts, but he showed 'nothing'. To make it worse, this whole thing hardly affect my sex-drive. It's been a while since someone slipped me the tongue...
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I am going to split a side, here - kprisca, TELL ME you're not Asian-American! That would be too coincidental! LOL Naaw....I'm pure bred....oriental. Wait, oriental is for the rugs...asian, chinese....call me anything, won't offend me..lol
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I think this is my final draft. Feedback plz.... TIA  I think I'm gonna Express Mail it...WH will pay for the postage... Dear family,
I really don't know the best way to or an easier way to bring this to your knowledge. At first, I had agreed not to say anything. I was hoping that he realized what he did was so wrong, and trusted him that he wouldn�t repeat it. I was mistaken. And so, I can no longer participate in the lies and deceptions, and I am deeply sorry that you are to learn the painful ugly truth. I�m willing to take the chance of him never speaking to me again, as long as he is �saved�.
For at least 1 � yrs, he has been having an affair with a co-worker, who recently got a divorce but was married for a good part of the affair. I have enough evidence as solid proof. He�d agreed that the affair only caused more problem, and promised to end it. I also asked her, politely, to step aside. At the very least, to halt their relationship while we�re still a married couple. Apparently neither could even as much respect me. I found out the affair is still on, as we speak. Now it�s clear to me why he has been on edge, defensive, then out of nowhere wanted some time alone. He was surprised that I didn�t want a divorce, maybe he didn�t realize my commitment is true. I am upset that he turned his back on me. I�m willing to work this out, but he�s not willing to give it a thought, even though he agreed we had solid history. It needs work but we�d a head start. My hope is one day he will be man enough to appreciate the kind of woman that I am.
Experts compared infidelity to be the same as �addiction�; the rush, makes you feel good (temporarily), but it�s not real, it�s a selfish way to escape, cruel and destructive. I�m fighting for this marriage, and right now it means fighting to get him back from whatever is holding him prisoned. The fact that he is able to convince himself cheating and divorce is justifiable, really concerned me. But I need all the support I can get. I know how much all of you meant to him. He respects and values your advice. I pray that, with our (tough) love for him will guide him, open his eyes, and put an end to, his hurtful and destructive behavior. I have forgiven him, but he needs to forgive himself.
I hope my intention came across clearly, that I don�t mean no harms. His affair is a wake up call for me. It gave me a better understanding about our relationship, about his needs, and about myself. Please pray for us as we go through this, and forgive us for all the heartache and wariness that we�ve caused you. I hope he knows how blessed he is to have you. I, too am so grateful to be part of your family
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WAY too long. Just say "WH is having an affair with OW. I'm trying to save our marriage, especially for the sake of our children. I hope you will support me in working to end their affair so that WH and I can work on improving and affair-proofing our marriage."
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Yes, it is too long. Use the sample by Catperson. Please pray for us as we go through this, and forgive us for all the heartache and wariness that we�ve caused you. Additionally, _you_ are not giving the heartache to anyone, please stop thinking that way.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Yes, it is too long. Use the sample by Catperson.
Additionally, _you_ are not giving the heartache to anyone, please stop thinking that way. Good point. Thank's...let me re-write it.
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First time chiming in on this thread.
The term the Harleys use for "fogbabble" is "contrast effect". The mechanism is that the wayward spouse had no basis for comparison, but now that s/he has such a basis and has an overflowing Love Bank, sees everything about the other person as positive and everything about their marriage as negative.
It is a history rewrite. But I think it's useful to know WHY it is happening. It happens due to the contrast. They are comparing the other person at their fantasy-best to you at your reality-worst. It's an unfair comparison.
Jennifer Harley Chalmers illustrated this to me when it comes to sexual exclusivity in marriage and the common practice of masturbation among nearly all males. It's impossible for real-life females to match up to the fantasy of pornography or mental movies playing through the man's head. The contrast effect makes her seem less desirable than this 100%, guaranteed satisfaction that his fantasy can bring him.
Contrast effect between the fantasy and reality makes the faithful spouse seem less desirable to the wayward.
How did you enjoy the dog-and-pony show your husband and the other woman trotted out for you when you confronted her via email? They really played their roles to the hilt, huh? Excellent acting, all around! Bravo!
Now you know the reality. He will lie to you. She will lie to you. The two of them are IN FAVOR OF ADULTERY. Stop exposing to the adulterers and expose to everybody else who matters to your husband or the other woman.
Last edited by Doormat_No_More; 01/14/10 01:33 PM. Reason: Grammar cop inside of me spoke out against a crime.
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I did expose to his family, my family, and his workplace. The result? Well...of course he was livid. He said my letter to his workplace was..MEAN....MEAN???? puhhleazeee... I told him I simply stated the fact, and if he thought it's mean, sorry. He left yesterday, not sure where...don't care either. I just got a text from him..."send me the list of what you want, I need to give it to my attorney tomorrow...." Reaction from my family...they told me not to fight on this. They said I can't make him love me (agreed), and that if this turned out ugly I'd have a hard time in recovery. His family...never heard back from them. They love in PA, we're in GA..so I sent an Express Mail to them. At this point, I think I'm done. Since D-Day #1, he did nothing to show remorse. Regret..yes, remorse..nope. After D-Day #2...nothing but ATTITUDE. Not even sorry, no regret. Plan-A wasn't exactly smooth, and plan-B is pretty much plan-D 
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Give it time. You always get this response at first.
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I think there is no attorney 
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I must be in 'denial' stage or just trying to make myself feel better. But I've been feeling almost 'peaceful' the past cpl days, is this the calm before the storm?
He sent me another text asking me about the list. He thinks we only have to figure out who gets which car and the furnitures. I told him to do his homework, what we have together is longer than a grocery list. Today is my b-day, turning 40...I sent him a text asking if I'm getting flowers or divorce paper...I know I'm messing with him, but I couldn't help it.
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Aww..thank you cat  Yeah....I have yet to get a break...D-Day was Christmas Day, my turning 40 might also be bing single again...lol. In spite of this mess, I think I'm doing ok. He's been staying in a hotel (or so he said). He came by yesterday to get documents needed to start D process. I gotta be honest, seeing was..bitter sweet. We didn't say much, I stayed glued to my Iphone. After he left, I felt a rush of familiar emotion....from a bad dream. not nightmare, just really really sad, that I'd ended up sobbing in my sleep. And he'd hold me and whisper in my ears until I fell asleep again. Only this time, I'm not dreaming. It's weird...I felt extreme sadness, loss, yet peaceful..?? Oh, he did mention that he couldn't afford staying in a hotel for too long. To which I repplied," not my problem". He mumbled something about coming home, and I told him that wouldn't be a good idea. I suggested to move in with OW. He gave me this look thinking I was being sarcastic, and said that's never gonna happen. I told him at this point, I'd rather for him to go to her. Him coming home is not going to protect my feeling and sanity. Now I couldn't stop thinking...Did I just bust any chance of recovery?? Am I kidding myself again? Mind you, all this time he has never expressed wanting to work this out. He even said it again yesterday.
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You have to show a strong front if you do ever want him back. The only way to take him back, at this point, is if he's apologizing and giving you everything you want. Including a polygraph and a post-nup agreement.
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You have to show a strong front if you do ever want him back. The only way to take him back, at this point, is if he's apologizing and giving you everything you want. Including a polygraph and a post-nup agreement. I think you're right. And I don't see any of that happening. Time for me to start reading from Divorcing sub-forum
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Try to be patient. We see WHs flipflop all over the place, week to week. Just keep doing a great Plan A, show him an amazing homelife he'd be giving up, stay calm, smell great, show a little skin, lol, make him ask himself if he's crazy for hurting you.
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