I just found this website and thought it would a good place to start healing.

It is a great place, with a lot of wonderful caring people...when you have a chance you should post your story.

I'm the board favorite. My name is DUDE. Nice to meet you...DUDE

Yeah, DUDE is the comic relief...

manswers

What do you want to tell us?

The story starts by finding out this weekend that my wife has been having a affair with her boss from a job back in 04. They had long coversations at odd hours, secret meetings at work if you know what I mean and trips to Vegas and Arizona for so called job oppurtunities. In Dec,09 at a party of ours, I caught her kissing a neighbor, explanation...drinking caused it to happen. Then this last weekend, I just so happen to go through her phone and see texting, massive calls to and from her old boss who is one fat, disgusting person. I asked, what is going on? She told me the details and the reason why it took place. I was told that I never paid attention to her because I was so involved in working 6-7 days a week. Its been very hard these last few days visualizing a fat, disgusting man on my wife. Counseling will start on thursday with our pastor, then a marriage counseler. We both understand our failures and want to start over, its the fact of being betrayed and the visual thought in my head. I really need help!

They will subside over time. A LOT OF TIME. I know exactly what you mean. WW seem to always AFFAIR DOWN. This is her choice. Nothing you did caused her A. Can you get her on here? Is she not seeing any of these OM any more? DUDE

Yes, you need to make sure she has NO contact with her old boss. Have her write a letter to him if you can. The pain of the A, unfortunately takes a litte while...but it will subside, over time....This forum is full of people who understand your pain.

And read read read all you can on this website...It helps to rebuild your M.

Dr. Bill Harley & Jennifer Harley Chalmers outline a superb path to marital recovery in their book "Surviving An Affair". I strongly recommend you pick it up and read it as soon as possible. It will provide a roadmap back to recovery.

And on a side note, you have no idea which of these affairs are still going on. You should probably snoop as much as possible, because if she's still in contact with any of these men, you can safely assume she's still having the affair and it must end before recovery is possible... and before counseling is remotely useful.

I started that process already by putting her on notice as well as the others involved not to be contacting her anymore, restaining orders as one threats and blocked incoming and outgoing numbers I found to one of them on her cellphone and no more contact in person or meetings. I started the 3 step process of what the Dr. Harley had put on this wedsite before I came here to heal, so I have some sense of what to do, just need more information on how to deal with the fact of her being this way and how to deal with my emotions and her needs from me.She has addmitted about the fact that she was wrong in doing what she did. Being married for 16yrs and together for 18yrs, we both want to start our love over, but my vision of that man on my wife will haunt me for a long time.

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB.

Has your W agreed to a plan of recovery, including NC with both OM, being transparent, etc?

also

Are either OM1 or OM2 married? If so, has this been exposed to their wives?

We were good friends with her boss and his wife. They had 3 kids, large home and always invited us to their xmas parties. I wrote a letter out today to his wife telling her what has taken place, I just need to know if I should send it. My wife said yes to send it. She broke it off last year after the BS Arizona trip, but started to persue her more in these last few months over the phone which busted them.

Manswers,

I feel embarrassed even writing this but....

When I first discovered MB, my wife and I were in a horrible place in our marriage. This 85 years old dude who was completely disgusting and loathsome, even personality wise, had been giving my wife gifts and my wife had been taking him
to church, to dialysis, had been at his apartment etc.

My wife was also talking about how nobody had complemented her like he did, for more years than she could remember, so he was meeting emotional needs my wife had I was not.

I am 99.8% sure nothing was happening, but even after I had put a dead stop to her doing things for him she was asking me about taking him to church with us because she felt so bad for him.

Emotional needs can be supplied from any container. I still get sick thinking about what could have happened.

NJ

It would be best if you could call the wife up and talk to her in person.

What about the neighbor, is he married?

The neighbor is married as well, and that was a great friendship there as well. To drunks don't make it right! It so happen to happen on my day of gradeuation from the police academy..go figure, the only time you could'nt assault the idiot kissing your wife. I just need to vent and talk to others out there who have been betrayed and need some guidance. I need to speak to those who felt the pain and how long or if ever will it go to being forgotten.

Yeah, sorry we are bombarding you with advice...I can completely understand your pain I also was with my H for a long time...I didnt handle the pain very well...but you are waay ahead of me because your wife is choosing YOU. And know that the A has nothing to do with you, it is a problem your wife has with boundaries....she will need to work on that.

As far as the pain...its just time...and your wife will also hopefully reassure you of her love for you. That will help also. Spending time with her, working on MB with her...etc. will help. I can tell you that time is just the biggest healer, I know that sucks, but it really is. But I totally can relate to your pain, it is devastating. Sorry you are here, but it is a great place for you right now.

Thanks for all of your support, I feel I can speak and decompress some of the pressure that has been put on me. I have no one else to talk to other than my family and hers, we decided that is was not a good idea to do so. Counseling and hopefully rekindling our love for one another will be much more stronger than it was before. We both felt like roomates with kids and a job to pay for the toys and be happy, thats what its not about. Its about love, being happy with what you have and who is in your life.

Yes, your wife needs to realize that she is not going to fix things in your marriage by looking for her needs to be met in someone else....happiness comes from within, not from someone else...and I am sure there were needs of yours that she wasnt meeting either (same in my M). You guys have to work together to figure out those needs and getting them from each other.

You are working the right program for the best chance to have a happier marriage then you ever had.

Manswers,

Before I read MB and understood emotional needs I had no idea that anything COULD have been going on.

So don't beat yourself up too much for not seeing what was happening, criminals are still responsible for their crimes not the victims.

NJ

Both OMWs must be told. Better to do so by phone. This way you know OMWs got told. Letters can be intercepted.

Also WW can no longer work for the same company as the OM boss, and you need to move away from the OM neighbor. There must be 100% NC.

Block OM's phone, emails. Better yet get new emails and phone numbers.