God never said that horoscopes did not have a shred of truth in them. He simply says that they are not the way that leads to spiritual life. Take everything in thats positive Traci.

Ok short story. When my wife andi were first together she had a problem with alcohol. After two years of watching and waiting for her to pull her crap together I finally left as she got worse.

I thought I would never go back to the marriage. I had no plans to be with anyone else but after 6 mos I got invoolved with another woman. I was with her for about a year. While this was going on OW kept saying she wanted to be married to me. I said no way. I already had 3 children an no carreer and I couldn't handle the stress of a relationship any more. My Wife was telling me to come home and that she hadn't drank in 1 1/2 years and she wanted to start fresh. I didn't beleive her either.

I was torn between going back or getting divorced and being with New woman. The OW kept asking me "what if you could forget all that happened in the past and start new?" Inside I knew the answer was if that was posible I should do that with my wife, not with OW.

The OW eventually on advice of her counselor who we met with told her to have no more contact with me because I was just to screwed up. He was right.

After 6 mos of soul-searching and questioning everything that I knew I went back home to wife. We had another son and 10 years of a muc more healthy andfufilling marriage than I ever had before.

He is getting his "Me in drama" fix Traci. The sad-sack misery that he has with OW is in his fantasy something he wants desparatly feels gives him some validation for his emotions. He needs to stay away from her.

I loved this and I will be praying for you guys too

(((Traci)))
I'm so sorry you've had this setback. Please know that it is very common and part of the process. This "closure" he's looking for will never come.
He needs to understand that somethings don't close--they fade with time, but they never close. A strongly worded no contact letter is MANDATORY at this point. Several excellent ones are available on this site.
Like I said before, you really need both of you to talk to Steve Harley so that your H hears it from an unbiased source. Steve will tell hime that the "closure" is a cop out and that he needs to protect you from his weaknesses. He'll say a lot more, I'm sure, but I'm not the expert.

I am going to have H write a NC letter and I'll make sure it is sent. So far he hasn't had anymore contact with OW. I showed H a thread from a WS on notable posts about the same thing he was talking about and all the responses were from WS and they felt the same as him and their response was no contact what so ever no matter what if they wanted their marriage back.

Still hoping and praying.

Make sure you follow the NC letter script. There are some excellent examples on here somewhere. If you can't find them, let's start a new thread and have people post to it. There should be no excusing each other's behavior. No last unrequited love crapola.

Today after talking to H I had made a decision to have him leave and move in someone he knows who is looking for a roomate. I even wrote him a 2 page letter telling him exactly how I felt and wanting him to get his head out of his butt or over his fog. Told him that I loved him and would always love him but that he had to make a decision as to what he wanted to do because I am tired of hurting. Also told him that I was 1000% better than OW and she wasn't even in the same class as me and I didn't appreciate the comparisons he made between us. I even said that he had destroyed me with what he had done and had torn my heart out. Even said that I had finally gotten my self confidence and self esteem back that he had destroyed. I said that when he was over "her" and wanted to work on us to let me know. I folded said letter up and put it in my purse to give to him tonight. Funny thing is, is that DD 19, who just went in to the Air Force last week called my cell phone at 2:05 today. My phone, which is never out of my uniform pocket was out and lying on the counter. I saw that I had a message at 2:10 and DD 19 was crying on it and saying she would probably be home in less than a month. I never gave him the letter because of that. I feel that I wasn't suppose to give it to him, at least not yet. I'm going to keep trying. This is so nerve wracking and tiring. I am not sure which was worse, plan B or trying to recover my marriage.

I am not sure if God is trying to tell me something or not, but I feel that everytime I try to give up something happens to stop me.

Still hoping and praying.

I would say they are all hard in their own forms.

Traci, I really hope you know what you are doing.

Must be tough that DD is in crisis at the same time.
I like it that you are telling H he needs to reach down between his legs and grab his ears so he can pull head out o' butt.
As long as you keep your self-respect and are willing to work on the marriage relationship I guess it might be a good idea for him to go to friends house. But then what about building up the love bank?

I would defer this question to Doc H and company.

God Bless

You have every right to let him know how you feel. If there are no ultimatums in it- I t hink a letter is a great way to tell him how you feel. Like the comparisons of OW to you. He may not know how this hurts you (duh). I respect that you are putting up boundries, but, Traci, the FOG can last months.

You know that, right?

If you stay away from DJ's (ok maybe a few at OW) and AO- girl, you are fine. Is he still moving out?

Traci, I was very happy to hear that you didn't give him the note. As I was reading your post, I was thinking, "No, no, no! Don't let him out of the house."
Right now, your H is troubled, but the way to marital recovery is for him to understand YOU can fill his lovebank. That won't happen when he's at a friend's house, pining over the skank. He'll continue contact with her, letting HER fill his lovebank. That's what's wrong with the situation.
Please review the well-written NC notes here first, have your H write one, it's very cathartic for both of you. (That ~~~closure~~~ thing)
Try that first. If you move him out of the house, you might as well go into dark plan B and start all over again. Right now you have logistics on your side--he's LIVING with you.
Have you exposed to OW's family yet? I can't remember. If not, think about facebook or whatever to let them know that you'd appreciate it if she'd keep her hands off your H as you are working to recover.
Don't worry about pride and such--this is not about you. Your H has a weak character right now, and you're trying to get it back on track. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Also, sending out some postive thoughts for your DD. If she's half as strong as you, she'll buck up and survive.

My thoughts exactly

I never gave H the letter that I wrote yesterday. I kinda figured that if he left he would go back to seeing OW. Right now I am trying to figure out my strategy. I am going to suggest we rent a motorcycle next weekend and spend the day riding with me behind him. I don't like motorcycles but I am willing to put that aside for us to spend time together and me to be able to keep my hands on him. This should shock and please him. We could have a really nice day doing this.

DD 19 is coming home on Monday. Not really quite sure what happened but I'll figure this out when she gets home. She sounded so beaten when she called me today. My heart just ached for her.

Still hoping and praying.

Hey Traci,

I haven't kept up with your thread in a bit because, frankly, it seemed like things were looking quite promising.

I agree with the others that achieving your goal is easier with him living at home than out and about somewhere else. That's been a major hurdle for me.

Very sorry to hear about the setback.

Keep it up, Traci.

TB

I am not giving up. I am in this for the long haul. I do have my ups and downs and that is tiring. I think everytime I feel like giving up I just need to take a step back and look at everything. I just need to take a deep breath and continue on. I guess I need to remember that he chose me and not her no matter what comes out of his mouth. Because like I said, ifhe thought he could make it work with her then he wouldn't have come back and if he didn't love me or care for me(which is more than he thinks and realizes) he wouldn't have been wracked with guilt and stress and thought of me every day. I know that he is in a deep fog and that it is going to takes months before he is going to start to come out of it. Once he starts coming out of the fog he will finally realize how much he does love me and that everything that I have been saying is true.

Still hoping and praying.

Sounds good Traci,
Triggers will occur through life now that this has happened to you guys. Both of you will have to learn how to deal with them and I am sure that H will eventually pull out of it.

I goofed last night, major LB. I wanted to have a drink or 2 last night after working four 12hour shifts in a row at the hospital. H said he a bottle of rum in his truck that he hadn't brought in yet. H got me a coke on his way home. He forgot to bring the rum in and I was going to get the keys and bring it in and he said he would do it and since I was already up I said no I would do it. He insisted he would do it and I got suspiscious. I said ok then he said well you can go out there with me and I said no. Later on I found his keys and thought this would be the perfect time to check his truck because he was out back smoking. I found nothing and got caught. Boy, was he mad! He asked me what I was doing and I told him the truth, I was looking for a 2nd phone(he did this before). He told me I shouldn't have done that and if I thought something was up that he would have taken me out to the truck and let me check it out. He said he understood that I have problems with trust and even though he wouldn't have been happy about it he would have let me because he had nothing to hide. I actually feel bad about what I did and wish that I had never done it. I brought up last week to him and he keeps telling me he was doing that for us. I just ignored that response because I will never get him to realize that what he did was wrong. I told him after last week that I think he will get in contact with her again and he won't tell me because he wasn't going to tell me he saw her last week if I hadn't caught him. H says he is being open and honest about everything and that we have been talking more than we ever have before and that if I ever have suspicions again to tell him so we can get everything cleared up.

Still hoping and praying.

Traci, you have done nothing wrong. Your husband's response--putting you on the defensive, trying to control how much you get to see into his life--tells me that you had better get to snooping again. There is no doubt in my mind that he is hiding his continued involvement with OW--I mean, come on--"oh, yes I am honest and open, but OH NO don't you dare go into my truck unless I am there to direct things."

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Liars have a problem with trust from the people they lied to--not surprisingly.

Set the bar for his return much higher. Complete transparency and he needs to lose the tude.

Tracy, IMO he needs to make a 180 degree turnaround.
He has to want to be with you and save the M and beg you to help him do that, not the other way around!. Less than that and he is going to be back at square one in no time either with same OW or in another A. I can tell you this from my first hand experience with H first A. Set the bar really high.
blessing

You did not goof.
You do not trust.
It's OK.
It takes YEARS to restore trust.

Y E A R S

This is why RECOVERY is so damn difficult.
There is a push/pull of emotions and expectations equally seasoned with hopes and suspicions.

Tell H that you are moving along this process at the proper speed FOR YOU.
Tell H that the forum says you are doing JUST FINE.