In short, my wife has had two affairs. One was about 2 years ago and the other was 6 months ago. I found out about both around 6 months ago. She has made great strides to put things to right and is doing everything that a WS should do to try and �fix� things. But I�m having a very hard time letting go of what she has done. What am I feeling? When ever I think about what my wife has done, I get very upset. I just can�t believe that she would do something like that to me! I can�t believe that she thought so little of me, disrespected me so much, could lie so bold faced, that she could give up on her commitment to our marriage. I really wonder if I don�t love her anymore because of these hurtful things she has done to me. I just don�t feel like being around her, talking to her, touching her, etc. I�m totally fixated on what she did to me in the past and it is depressing me and greatly affecting me going forward. I can�t seem to let go of the humiliation and betrayal. What am I feeling? How do I move forward?

Six months is not very long in... most of what I've read says that at least 2 years post-dday is a typical recovery time even in the best of situations where both partners are fully committed to recovering the marriage pretty much from the outset.

Do you feel like you have the 'whole story' from her -- i.e., has she willingly told you the complete truth about her affairs?

Is she living transparently now?

Can you tell a little more about your circumstances? How long married, any children, with whom did she have affairs (co-workers? former friends?)

Hi Jeff, I'm sorry you had to find your way here. But here is where you can find a lot of help for your situation.

There are a number of great articles on this site as well as some terrific people who have walked in your footsteps.

To the right of the page is a box labeled "Most Popular Links." You might want to start with the "How to Survive Infidelity" article, which contains items #4, Coping with Infidelity: Resentment.

However, it might benefit you to start first by reading Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, as understanding these is vital to comprehending the entire Marriage Builders approach.

Your wife has very poor boundaries and could benefit from counseling. After reading the articles here, you might want to consider setting up a counseling session.

My immediate advice is to start reading, and in a short while the "veterans" will start showing up and offering you their advice and opinions.

I am sorry what you are going through. She had an affair 2 years ago and now another one again 6 months ago? Depending if you have children you may wish to consider if you wish to recover or not. She sounds like she has become a serial cheater. You forgave her 2 years ago and now again. How many times is it proper to forgive a person for cheating with other men and putting your health at risk for STD's? If the roles had been reversed do you think she would be as forgiving as you have been?

jeff

If today was you D day, discover day, and you just found out and came here you would of been told that at the six month mark from D day you most likely go through an anger phase for up to six months.

Then you would of been told recovery takes two to five years.
Do not dispare because you can wind up having better marriage post A.

Now on to the questions

How did you find out?

Do you know who the OM is?

Is NC, no contact in place?

NC letter sent?

Exposure done?

Not saying to do all these things now. Members will help you through each step.

As you fill us in then we will be better able to help.

Thank you all for the advice and for taking the time to help me. But part of my problem and frustration stems from that nothing seems to be helping me. I�ve read numerous books, I�ve read ever single article on this web site, at least twice, I�ve been seeing a counselor for about 5 months and I�m on Prozac. My wife is doing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING she can to try and remedy the situation. She�s read everything I�ve read and more. She�s seeing a counselor. Her life is completely transparent to me. My wife is a model wife right now! My problem is not the future, it�s the past. I can�t seem to let go of the negative feelings of what she�s done to me. How do I do that?

(Bryanp, I found out about both affairs around the same time. I �caught� her 6 months ago and as part of our recovery she confessed to an earlier, previous affair. So, yes, she�s cheated twice, but I just found out about both around the same time.)

Maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon. That seems to be what everyone says. I need to give it time to heal but I'm tired of living every day in pain.

Sorry to repeat:

--Do you feel like you have the 'whole story' from her -- i.e., has she willingly told you the complete truth about her affairs?
--How long have you been married?
--Any children?
--With whom did she have affairs (co-workers? former friends?)

Jeff, your feelings are pretty much normal. Adultery is as traumatic as rape, physical assualt or the death of a child. You have endured this TWICE, so you have alot to recover from. You can't cure normal. Your pain will fade in time, as long as she has told you the entire truth and taken steps to affair proof your marriage.

Has she answered all of your questions to your satisfaction about her affairs? Has she ended ALL contact with these men and taken steps to ensure it doesn't happen again?

Lastly, I would strongly suggest you get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley and follow the outline for recovery in there. It will help you understand what has happened here.

Jeff, please take the time to read this article, it was immensely helpful to me: Forgive and Forget?

Actually, from what I have read, 2 years is about the minimum time for recovery. In many cases, it is 5 years, or more.

I am really sorry your wife did this to you. You are dealing with a serial cheater, a different breed, not like those who do this once and then realize how messed up it is. with the serial types, IMO, it is much more difficult to recover. They are much more broken than the average WS(who is deeply flawed, as well).
Most people do not get past their feelings of betrayal and resentment. Most marriages touched by infidelity end, as the damage is to great to get past. So, do not feel you are abnormal if this is something that you cannot get past.
I think you need to look within for a good long time and try to imagine if you can let this go. And, you really need to start assessing your wife and her brokeness. She may well be so damaged that she is unfixable. Is she messed up in other ways, like overspending, abusiveness, eating disorders, bad credit or job history?

Zelmo's right. That's what I meant by "even in the best of situations" -- my apologies for not being clearer for ya, Jeff.

I don't know if I have the strength to live with these feelings for 2 years! But I don't think I want a divorce. I know that wont heal the pain either.

What you say is interesting, "Most people do not get past their feelings of betrayal and resentment." And I'm wondering if I'm one of those people. But since I want to work it out, doesn't that mean I should be able to get past my feelings of betrayal and resentment? And when I say my wife is a model wife now, I'm not exaggerating or glossing over anything. Other than the past affairs, any man would be happy to have her as a wife. Therefore shouldn't I be?

I'd also like to point out the thing that set me off this morning is that I read the article about John Edwards admitting to fathering a child with Rielle Hunter. That has absolutely nothing to do with my wife. But it's still a trigger for negative emotions.

Jeff, you may be one of the folks that can get over this, in time. There are folks here claiming their marriages are better than ever and they are happy.
This is so early on for you, it is difficult to know if you will get past this.
I doubt you have the whole story from your wife re past affairs. Irealize she volunteered the info on the one from 2 years ago, but that may be because she felt discovery was imminent or she was throwing you a bone in the hopes that you would not investigate further.
She needs to take a polygraph, IMO. You both need to have STD testing before resuming physical relations. If you have kids, you might want to look into their paternity, as well.
Once you have this info re prior affairs , the health issues , and paternity, you can make a beter assessment of your willingness to remain married.
Presumably, with the "model wife" behavior, she will have no objection to this type of further investigation> If she does, that is a huge red flag that there is more out there.

I think another problem is that she has now had two separate affairs with two separate men and you apparently had no clue. The latest being just 6 months ago. What would have happened if you did not catch her? This means that your wife was very good at lying to you and keeping a secret life from you. I don't know how you could ever trust her now or in the future.

Bryan's point is well taken. Would she be willing to establish and pay for a fund where future polygraphs could be randomly administered? Same with periodic STD testing. This might help.