I need some advice on how to make my FWH feel safe to talk about the A ocassionally. I will admit that for fourteen months after D-Day I was a complete psycho. I went ballistic on my DH all the time. It was so out of character for me because I have never verbally or physically abused my DH in the twenty years I have known him but I was a crazy woman. After D-Day my DH answered every question I would ask him for about five months. Some of his responses were really bad but he gave me an honest answer. I am surprised that our M lasted through my manic depression. I really should have been on ADs but I hate to take medication. We went through MC for a couple of months and I would do OK for a couple of weeks and then I would spiral into a downward slope and lash out like you wouldn't believe. My DH has become deeply religious and he is doing everything to live a transparent life and meet my ENs. I have tried really hard to meet his also but during those crazy months I was like a volcano waiting to erupt. I think I may have took his A harder than most ppl because I thought our M was so wonderful and if I had one word to describe my DH it would be character. I now realized he failed but he is still a wonderful H and father. It has been four months since my last outburst and I learned through T and a LOT of prayer how to control triggers and my temper (which I never had before D-Day). After my last outburst my DH slept in our car and I felt so awful I went outside and begged him to come inside. It was really cold outside and I hated to see my honey outside like that.

I made a resolution to myself that I would never allow myself to get out of control like that. I also stopped drinking wine which I didn't do before D-Day but had started having a glass or two weekly. I am not a drinker and never have been.

Now my DH are at a good place and sometimes I just want to talk about the A but he is so gun-shy now. He begs me to stop talking about it and even asks me to pray with him when I start talking about it; but I really need to sometimes just talk about it. I can't ask anymore questions because I have asked about every question I can think of and he answered them.

How do I make him feel safe and get him to talk about it every now and then? I still think about it every day. It has been 18 months since D-Day. Should I still be thinking about it every day? Should I not ever talk about it?

I do love him and would never want to hurt him again. I have forgiven him but sometimes I just want to talk about it.

Is that wrong?

I don't have very good advice here. I was unable to stop asking questions about the A. I think it was because H lied for so long and gave me "trickle truth" for so many, many months. For me, I find once I know it is truth, I process it, put it away and don't feel the need to bring it up again. But it took a break in contact, being willing to never see or talk to him again, appt with a divorce attorney to get to that point. Are you at ground truth?

AM

Tell him your need to talk about the A. Say let's schedule a talk one hour one evening a week.

Offer to talk by email if face to face will be easier for him.

Also, how about doing some marriage building - the MB stuff that rekindles love? Playing together? Having lots of sex? Romantic dates? Thoughtful gestures?

Are you getting your needs met?

I do have to say that we are meeting each other's need, LOTS of great off the chart sex (but we always have even during his A). Romantic dates and thoughtful gestures. I guess I am just still afraid that he is going to do it again. I feel like I don't ever want to feel safe with him again like I did before because of the pain he caused.

Also, he admits that we had a great M before (emotional needs met, SF, communication) and he has tried for 18 months to determine what was missing and what he got from the XOW. He maintains that it was nothing and that he allowed the pressure of being overseas alone and not putting up good boundaries to make him fall prey to the A.

I am going to try suggesting to him that we set aside time to talk about the A at least once a week. The poor guy didn't trickle truth, he told me everything. After D-Day we locked ourselves in our bedroom and he talked about the A and we cried and prayed and of course made passionate love. For months after that he continued to answer questions even when I was manic.

Well, being away from home alone is enough. My H's A occurred after 3 and 1/2 years out of 5 being away for military deployments. We thought we were supporting each other, but it was not possible when we were not together.

Dr. Harley's advice to Goldenyears about this issue was to STOP talking about it. GY has had alot of trouble doing that and for me it has been even more difficult. But when I want to open my mouth now, I ask myself if I want to be hurting the one I love. 90% of the time that stops me - wish it were 100% of the time.

AM