Well the title says it all. I will try to explain as much as i can. My husband and I have been together 8 years. He is 27 years old and I am 24. After we had been dating for over a year he received oral sex from a male friend twice. He said he was sorry and would never do it again and he just wanted to experiment. I have never hard these feelings toward another woman and never thought about trying anything with them. But i was young and believed him. We always had sex a lot until about 2 years of being together. We were married at this point. Now we have sex maybe once a week and he never acts interested in me. I come to bed with sexy clothes on and he will still says he doesnt want to most of the time. We hardly ever kiss, maybe 2-3 times a month but probably not that often most of the time. I try to keep my self in good shape. We have 2 kids and I weigh 115 lbs. I only weighed 105 when we were dating. He says its not me but i can't help but think it is. He use to watch gay porn the first couple years of our realtionship but i have checked his computer and he hasnt been watching it anymore. He has unlimited text on his phone and i can check how many text he has used but it doesnt tell me who the are to or from. He has used over 200 in the last 10 days but he keeps them all deleted unless its from his sister or some other family member. His sister told me a few months ago "you know he likes men don't you" and laughed about it. I asked him about it and he said he thought he did when he was younger but he doesn't now. I don't know how to catch him and i don't want to accuse him but its really hard not to. The only way i think i will be able to is with the text messages because our computer is in the living room and he doesnt really have a chance to be alone on it. I have stop having sex with him because i'm afraid of what he might have if he has been sleeping with men. What should i do next?

Depending on your cell phone carrier you may be able to get detail of the numbers that texts are being sent to/recieved from. Mine is Verizon and they do provide that detail on line.

Put a voice activated recorder in his car and a keylogger on the computer. Please get yourself checked for STD's.

Put a GPS on his car, and a voice-activated recorder. See if you can find out the locations of 'tea rooms' or 'cottages' in your area, and if visits these.

But you already know the truth, right? He's cheated on you with men before.

What do you want to do about being married to a homosexual man?

So sad that he is acting the way he is. Sounds like you take pride in yourself to make him love you more. I just learned of my wife kissing a women, having a affair with a obese man and kissing my neighbor. I confronted her about it by checking her phone last Saturday, she explained to me what has transpired in the last 5 years, not paying attention to her and I admited to that. We both went to our pastor yesterday and I saw him again today to talk about what happened. I don't go to church, but only once in a great while. What I'm telling you is you have a chance to find out the real story by going to someone in person who has dealt with this or your pastor who married you both and talking about your needs and his. I'm learning new things everyday and its a wakeup call. You sound very upset about this and the only way is to meet it head on. I've done alot of investigating, phone records, tracing numbers, calling those numbers, other friends and associates. It takes a little more than asking because they devulge everything you ask them.

canwemakeit, if I find out he is cheating again I am going to leave. I really want things to work but i can't stay with someone that cheats.

You should not stay with a man that is having sex with other men. It is too risky.

BS, I am sorry that you are here.

It is always risky to have sex with a wayward but it could be even more risky in your case.

Your H is withdrawing. He is trying to live a life that is starting to implode.

Even though you take care of yourself, your looks, your weight it won't matter because if he is cheating with a man he will not be attracted.

This is a tough situation because of his potential sexual orientation. I think his sister is trying to warn you.

I think your right.

He is Bi-Sexual at the minimum.

I was going to make a note regarding the spectrum of sexual attraction, but Gack1 pretty well hit it. Just because a man fantasizes about or interacts sexually with men doesn't make him gay, any more than fantasizing or interacting sexually with women makes a man straight.

You may have heard of the "Kinsey Scale" before. This scale evaluates sexual preference, experience, and lifestyle on a scale from 0 to 6, with zero being exclusively heterosexual, and 6 being exclusively homosexual. I am a straight man, in a marriage with a wonderful woman, yet I typically score around a 1.5 to a 2 on the Kinsey Scale tests.

The problem isn't necessarily the homosexuality. That's how he's acting out. The problem is he's carrying on an affair -- or multiple affairs -- with other men.

Solve the affairs first, figure out why they are happening and how to stop them (exposure may be a VERY powerful tool here, considering the societal distaste for homosexuality), and otherwise follow Dr. Harley's program in your marriage. From your description, it doesn't sound as if your husband is exclusively gay. Women turn him on... but just not you, not right now, because he's involved in another relationship.

Step 1: Read "Surviving An Affair".
Step 2: Apply the principles in SAA.
Step 3: Negotiate with your husband to end his extramarital affair(s)

I would, however, strongly suggest an appointment with the Harleys. I look at this as an infidelity problem, not a "gay" problem, but Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley Chalmers might disagree.

Thanks for all your thoughts and ideas. I don't have real proof he is cheating. He would never admit it. The only reason i know about the first 2 times with his friend is because i caught him once and only then he said he did it 1 other time. Months ago we talked about the trust issues and he said he isn't doing anything and feels really bad about the first time. But I knew thats what he would say.

Snoop. Find the evidence you need. He's sexually distant, he's not talking to you...

He's getting his rocks off somewhere else. Now it's your job to figure out how.

Is it porn? Get treatment for the addiction.

Is it another person? Get treatment for the affair.

How to snoop? Try Spying 101. Yes, you're going to feel sneaky, but your husband is OBVIOUSLY depriving you of information that is VITAL to your marriage. Find out what that information is.

The best snooping tools -- the "catch 'em the first time" kind of tools -- tend to be voice-activated digital recorders, computer keyloggers, and GPS units in their cars. Your investment will be a couple hundred bucks, and some time spent reading the user's manuals and devising a plan to plant them without getting caught, and gather their results the same way. A wayward spouse is typically very, very sloppy... almost as if they hope to get caught, if you care to look.

Cell phone records are useful, too. You can almost always request the usage records be sent to you if you call customer care for the phone company, explaining that you've misplaced the bill or it was sent to the wrong address. There you'll see a text-by-text list of who the texts went to.

If he uses a smartphone, Flexispy is fantastic for getting both sides of the phone conversations.

What you need right now is INFORMATION, and since he's not giving it to you, you have one way to get it: snoop your butt off.

We're really big on Radical Honesty around here, but there are two exceptions:
1. If you catch your spouse cheating, don't ever reveal your sources.
2. You need not tell your spouse you intend to expose their affair before you do so. Afterward, by all means, be as honest as you need to be, but being "honest" before exposing ends up as a threat... exposure should be a surprise and totally "nuclear" -- as many people as fast as possible -- for maximum effect.

Thanks for the advice Doormat_No_More. I really think it is someone else and not porn. He has straight talk so we don't get a bill. You just buy the $30 or $45 dollar card a month but you don't have a contract. How does the GPS work? He has a GPS that he uses because he travels to 5-10 different places for his job. Is there a way to get text messages forwarded to another phone? When i checked his minutes he hasnt used many, it is the text messages he uses. He is not suppose to talk on the phone on the job so i guess it is easier to text.

Also, i have been avoiding him really as much as possible. Should i just act normal so he doesnt think anything is up until i find something?

@blueskies Keep your distance for a few days or until you feel you can keep your Love Busters under control. I assume you've read Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts, but to review, the most common Love Busters are:

* Selfish Demands. These are requests that you often think are perfectly reasonable, but cause your spouse to resent you.
* Disrespectful Judgments. These are most commonly efforts to "straighten out" your spouse, to change their thinking.
* Angry Outbursts. Although when angry you typically don't believe it of yourself, anger is a form of punishment. It's an attempt to coerce someone else through a form of torturous emotional abuse. You know it when you feel it, and if you get angry, the right course of action is to walk away from the situation until you gain control of yourself again.

There are other common Love Busters, including Independent Behavior, Dishonesty, and Annoying Habits, but those are far less likely than the three above to make enormous Love Bank withdrawals from your spouse.

So take control of those actions. Don't make demands, try to straighten him out in any way, or act angry toward him right now. Once you know you have those under control, you can start working on meeting his Emotional Needs.

This is all detailed in the book, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Stop what you're doing right now and buy it. You can buy it for Kindle and have it instantly on your PC within just a few minutes for $10 from amazon.com. It's a quick read, and worth reading several times to understand how these things start, how they progress, and how they SHOULD end.

I saw on Oprah once about men that like the "down low". This doesn't mean they are gay - they like to do certain acts with other men. I don't remember the author's name who wrote a book about the men like this. Maybe your H is one of these type of men.

Gg

Is he in IT? He might just be doing a better job of hiding his activities on the computer.

Installing a keylogger on his PC will help you determine what he is REALLY doing on that PC.

If you're husband is gay, and it sounds like he is, it doesn't matter what his EN's are. You, as a woman, will NEVER be able to meet them. The fact that you walked in on him with another man should have been a HUGE red flag for you.

I also watch Oprah and I have seen several shows about gay men that marry women to cover up the fact that they are gay. You should really consider all the things you know to be true. If you have this much doubt about him, you are probably right.

I can't imagine going to bed in sexy lingerie and my husband not touching me, he would be all over me!!

I'm so sorry about the situation you are in. You are young and you can find someone that wants you and only you. You deserve to have that! I know this site is geared towards keeping marriages together, but you can't stayed married to a man that is gay. Good luck to you and God bless!

blueskies,

You treat this like any other affair - it is NOT different...Homosexuality is a choice, just like having an affair is...

DNM has given you good advice, DO call the Harleys for help...

Take a look at what Dr. Harley has to say regarding homosexuality...

From Defending Traditional Marriage by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley

Can Gays and Lesbians Become Heterosexual?

I've heard most of the arguments used by gays and lesbians against the possibility of changing their sexual orientation. But I know from my counseling experience that it is possible. I've seen many who were same-sex oriented. It's possible for these individuals to be just as attracted to and just as much in love with someone of the opposite sex.

The reverse is also true. Those who are attracted to the opposite sex can become attracted to the same sex. In fact, most of us can become sexually attracted to almost anything or anyone under certain conditions. Eliminate attractive opposite-sex alternatives, and people find that they can respond sexually to whatever happens to be available.

That's why I'm so concerned about educational programs in schools that teach children that we are born to be either same-sex oriented or opposite-sex oriented. In those early years when children are very impressionable, they may be influenced to believe they are gay or lesbian simply because they experience some same-sex interest.

Quite frankly, most children at one time or another will find themselves sexually attracted to members of their own sex. If, as a result, they begin to focus their sexual attention on those of the same sex and create skills and neural pathways that make same-sex relationships far more satisfying than opposite-sex relationships, it's easy for them to think they were born to be gay. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if they recognize such same-sex attraction as a natural response to certain circumstances but remain open to opposite-sex attractions that will also develop, they'll likely go on to pursue opposite-sex relationships that ultimately will provide the stability and fulfillment they're looking for.

Sexual orientation is not determinded by birth but rather by choice. The truth is that we are all capable of expressing our sexuality in ways that we haven't even considered yet.

People can become sexually oriented to just about anyone or anything. And they can change that orientation if there is good reason to do so. In the case of gays and lesbians, a change to opposite-sex orientation can help them achieve more fulfilling relationships for themselves. And it provides the best opportunity to raise happy and successful children as well.

Mrs. W