I've been reading posts on here to try to give me advice on my marriage crisis. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together for 17 years, married 9 of them. We now have two boys, ages 6 and 4. I'm a stay at home mom. Throughout our marriage, we've for the most part been very happy but I have had health problems that are now better. I had to have a heart procedure (SVT) 6 years ago and it's fixed, then I had a large cyst on my overy 4 years ago and had it removed, then I also went through postpartum depression very bad after my second son. I seeked help right away and have been doing very good. My husband was very supportive through it all. For the past years, we've had times where our love didn't seem as strong but we still seemed for the most part happy. We focused so much time on our kids and did everything together, but very seldom ever just my husband and I. It was all about our boys. So...about 9 weeks ago, on a Sunday, I asked my husband what he'd rate our marriage, I said a 2 or 3. He said, he probably wouldn't even give it that. That's the first time he's ever said anything negative about our marriage. Since that day, he's told me he doesn't love me, only as the mother of his boys. He won't kiss me, hug me, say I love you or anything. He says there's no hope. The boys and I stayed with my parents (close to our home) for 2 weeks, thinking he needed space. He said he didn't feel any different. So, the boys and I moved back home and he left to go to his parents and has now been there going on 3 weeks. He says he'd do anything for our boys but doesn't love me and doesn't even say he wants our marriage to work. It's killing me but I'm trying to stay positive and strong. We went to counseling 3 times and he hasn't tried anything the counselor has suggested (date night) or anything. He said he's sorry he never said anything to be sooner but he didn't and now he can't go back to loving me. I admit that I could've been more affectionate at times, and other things but I never dreamed he felt like this about our marriage. I've caught him in several lies (he said he was at his parents and wasn't, he was driving around). Also, while I was at my parents home, he was staying at our house. I noticed on his credit card that he'd gone to a hotel one of those nights and stayed. When I saw the statement, he denied it and said that date must be wrong. I called the hotel and he did check in. I called him back, he admited to it and said he just wanted to go and think, went to the hotel bar, drank too much and then got a room. It didn't make sense to me bc he had our house to himself that time anyway. He says there's no one else but part of me doesn't believe him. I never thought he would give up on our marriage like this. He knows that the decision is up to him and that I'm doing everything to keep us together. I've apologized and said everything I can. He hasn't been wearing his wedding ring for two weeks now. He's mentioned divorce but that's it. He has no hope for us and I don't know what I should do to keep us together. I've prayed and prayed, trying the Love Dare and talked with our pastor several times. I'm trying to stay strong but I'm a mess. Even though he's said hurtful things to me, I still love him and want this to work more than anything. He knows I won't give up.

......He is not willing to work on the marriage and says he just wants to be able to see the boys. What's hard is that he all of the sudden, one day, quit saying he loved me. We were even trying to have a baby since June! How does that happen?? When I asked him why he was also wanting to have another baby, if he didn't love me. He said, he thought that would make things better. I don't buy that! Today, I hadn't heard from him and then he sent me a text, wanting to take our little boys to a ballgame an hour away. I didn't know what to say. He can go and do what he wants, and when it's convenient for him, ask to see the boys. I feel like I'm on pins and needles bc I want our marriage to work. I did all the apologizing in the beginning, nine weeks ago, when he told me all of this on that Sunday. It hasn't worked. He says he's been praying and hasn't gotten anywhere and that he still doesn't feel better towards me. THen he'll say (or text), I hate doing this to you!!! Then why is he doing it?

I do wonder if he's seeing someone else. I've caught him in several lies, saying he was at his parents when he wasn't. Then, he says he's been driving around just thinking about things for a couple of hours. I don't get that! The bad thing, his cell phone is through his company. So, I have no way, that I know of, of getting his call records. That would tell me a lot!!

So, if he's not willing to work at this or he can't even say he wants our marriage to work...what other approach should I take? As bad as this sounds, I love him so much and have been with him for 17 years, high school sweethearts! He's my one and only love and I'm just 31 and he's 34. This is killing me......

Please help me, thank you!

He never told me there was a problem. I mean sure, we focused so much on our little ones and didn't take enough time for one another sometimes, but to me, we were overall happy. We did everything together, but agree we needed more time for the two of us. At times, I took some things for granted and so did he but nothing that can't be fixed. We didn't communicate well about those things. Then one day he tells me he doesn't love me. He said he never thought he'd get to that point of not loving me anymore but he did. He said he slammed that door and can't open it. He also said he prays every night and hasn't gotten anywhere. That, I don't believe. We go to church but would miss maybe one SUnday a month at times. This is just killing me that he can't say he wants our marriage to work. He doesn't say much to me at all. It's just not like him. This happended all one day, nine weeks ago and he's been this way ever since. No warnings. I don't know what approach will maybe make him wake up. I've said Im sorry many times, in the beginning for taking things for granted and maybe not giving him as much affection, but we can all do that. I've quit with the I'm sorries and I love you so much...etc. although I still want to say those things. But he knows he holds the power as to what happens. But nothing seems to be affecting him. I suspicion he may be seeing someone, just with his lies but have never had any proof. He swears he's not. But many do. What approach, if any, will make him wake up?

Hi Renee, welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm sorry you found a need to be here.

I have to confess, having just recently been burned by a wife who seemed to change overnight and who has now moved out, the reason behind it was the affair she got involved in. It wasn't until about a week before "D-day" (discovery day) that I even suspected there was something amiss. Like you, we had a lot of things that were distracting us from meeting each others' emotional needs. Then, WHAM!

One thing that strikes me about your story is that your husband has not mentioned divorce. This is a big warning sign, to me. It says to me that your husband isn't ready to chuck everything, because there is still something (besides the kids) that he is getting from your marriage.

Ordinarily I'd suggest you ask the moderators to move this over to the Surviving An Affair forum, but you have no evidence yet that this is the case. But as I said, I'm pretty sensitive to that right now, and I'm pretty wary right now, given your story.

His unexplained absences, the evasion about the hotel and where he's been/going all raise to me. If I were you, I'd suggest not telling him that you have suspicions, but I'd start snooping like Sherlock Holmes' wiser sister.

If his phone is a Blackberry or other "smart phone," you can purchase and install flexispy with only minutes access to the phone (while he's showering, for example). You can also get a GPS tracker to find out where he's taking the car, and you can hide a voice-activated recorder (VAR -- available from Radio Shack) in the car to find out what he might be saying on the phone while he drives. If you have the money, you might even hire a private investigator. They can find out an awful lot in just two or three days, believe it or not!

In the mean time, keep posting here, and the good folks will advise you on how to get through this. While you are waiting, please make sure you familiarize yourself with the Basic Concepts of MarriageBuilders. There are a lot of great articles on this site that are free! And there are also some very good, easy to read and understand, books by Dr. Harley, the founder and owner of this site. Knowing the MB concepts will go a long way in helping you understand the help that will be offered to you.

Good luck. Keep us updated!

Again...click 'notify' and have the mods move your threads (combining them). On SAA you will find people who have been throug the same or worse as you.

Thank you so much for the advice!! I'm definitely going to check into those things you listed to find more out about what he may be doing! I appreciate it so much.

Renee, snooping on your husband may seem like an immoral act --it most certainly will seem unnatural-- but it's vital that you do this if you are going to move forward.

From Dr. Harley's article, Coping With Infidelity:The good doctor has been doing this for more than 35 years. His book His Needs Her Needs is consistently ranked by patients in counseling as one of the top books used to help solve marital troubles.

If you have any questions, please bring them here. We want to help!