On Plan A. Trying to meet WH ENs and erase OW from the EA. Told WH I was going to get the movie, "Fireproof" to encourage our marriage building, and a few days later, discovered (via keylogger) that OW had sent WH a link to a music video from the movie...something about what I'd say to you...can't bring myself to watch vid.

I'm thinking he told her, for whatever reason, that I was getting the movie for us to watch, and she shoved her way into picture (no pun intended) by sending the vid.

Now, I don't know if I can sit through the movie, and particularly that part, knowing he'll be thinking of her. I've heard so many good things about it, though, and wonder if we should watch it anyway and hope my physical presence will diminish her virtual presence.

He knows I've got it on our Netflix list. Should I just postpone it and wait for him to mention it, or bring it on?

Reg, I wouldn't watch the movie, because it will trigger you both. But that is not your problem here.

RATHER, I would do something about his continued contact with her. If she is free to contact him and is doing it, then contact will resume. It is only a matter of time. I would tell him you KNOW about this and ask him to take steps to block her.

That could be done by sending her a nc letter and changing his email address. She should NEVER be able to get through.

Is this skank married and does her H know all about the affair?

"dear, i happen to know that the OW contacted you and linked the movie, Fireproof, so the thought of watching it makes me want to vomit now. I am sick that she is still contacting you and won't feel safe until that she is stopped."

Ask him to send her the nc letter in Surviving an Affair. [I think its on pg 73?] And ask him to block her on email or change his email address.

This kind of continued contact will lead to a resumption of an affair.

I will expose and do a NC letter as soon as I have something more solid than one chat to bust them on. I don't want to blow my keylogger cover just yet, and there is no other way of explaining how I got a copy of their chat.

And there's that whole, "she's an old friend, who has cancer, two of her kids have had cancer, they're losing their house...the violins just don't stop playing for this family.

My instincts say she's making some or all of this up, so am looking into hiring a PI near her town to see if any of this is true and to find a way for me to contact OWH without OW knowing. (Anybody know a good PI in the Greenbay area?) When I expose, I want all parties exposed around the same time on the same day so nobody can tip off anybody else.

I am confused. Are you sure they are having an affair? Has your H not admitted it? What is your evidence of an affair?

You can either

1. put other things higher on your Netflix list for now

or

2. watch it with him and during that part.....hold his hand, look into his eyes deeply and wink and or other stuff (hope you know what I mean)

I am big on 'reclaiming' things from OWs.

The OW in my situation has 'contaminated' nearly all venues of things imaginable (places, media, concepts, etc) lol.

I'd go nuts letting her trigger stuff and not making it my own despite her spreading herself all over the place.

MelodyLane, I'm pretty sure..long story on "Spiritualy Cheating". 1st mini-DDay Dec 10, 2nd major DDay Dec 27. WH swears it was never anything more than him helping out a friend, but hours of phone, txt/pics, and emails say differently, tho not solidly AFFAIR, till captured chat on MLK day revealed he longs to see her look at him and she longs to feel him close to her...not exactly Christian supportave friendship. Nothing since then, and he's deleted everything from her off his computer, but she's still on his FB. When he can't/won't chat with her, she sends msgs via the games he plays. Pathetic. But he thinks she's the Joan of Arc of cancer patients.

reading, that's kinda how I'm looking at it..as reclaiming something for ours. I do have the advantage of being physically with him, 20 years of marriage, 2 kids, etc.... I'll just need the strength of Job not to spiral up and explode.

Maybe y'all can help me with this one too. Should I give him enough computer privacy to hang himself, if he needs to hang, or should I leave him with as little opportunity to contact her, while at home, as possible?

I would do everything in your power to get the goods to bust him and ruin the affair. The fastest way to do that is to give him enough rope to hang himself, get the goods and then go nuclear!

We watched the movie and I think it helped a little bit, but I dunno.

We watched the movie early on in A and it was good, but hard for my DH in some ways. It brought to mind a conversation he had had with OW early on about her wanting to watch that with her husband, while she was really trying to get at MY DH.

That's the plan, MelodyLane. If there is more to this than he's telling me, when I bust it, it will be irrefutable and entirely demoralizing to both of them.

Course, if she dies before I have enough proof, I'll only have her heroic-Christian-love-filled ghost to live with. Don't know if I'll be able to help my husband mourn the death of OW. Does Dr. Harley cover that?

Trust, how did that make you feel, and how did y'all deal with it? (what's a DH? dear husband, divorced husband..?)

Regulus,

I'll let my wife speak for herself, but will take the liberty here of correcting the typo in her post to say that we watched the movie together early-on in R (recovery) -- not A (affair).

("DH" = "dear husband." By the way, abbreviations are here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=1984040&nt=3&page=1, although in this case, the "abbreviations" link wouldn't have helped ya!)

I won't speak re: how it affected my wife. As for me, in addition to the "trigger" aspect" for me of merely recalling the conversation with OW at the very start of my EA, by the time my wife & I watched this movie, in hindsight I could see how just the mere fact that this OW was spilling to me then about dissatisfaction with her marriage was a huge red flag & that I should've just cut off the conversation, instead of letting OW confide in me, which helped establish an intimacy that I never should've allowed. So being reminded of this brought up a lot of anger that I carry around at myself. And the Casting Crowns song that's featured in the soundtrack was one I'd actually heard back in the autumn of '08 when I knew I was in an emotional affair & was starting to realize where it might lead, and I remembered hearing that song back then & feeling like it was aimed right at my head, and yet I still ignored its advice/warning.

So in a nutshell, it just re-reminded me of how friggin' stupid I was.

This film has a good message & a useful warning for people whose marriages might be on shaky ground, or whose marriages are fine & who think that an affair could never happen to them. But for people whose marriages have already been wracked with an affair, it could be a little hard to watch.

Thank you, GloveOil; this is the second time one of your posts provided comfort and sanity. We aren't wrecked yet, but if he keeps being stupid, we will be. He's being very attentive, affectionate and verbal about how much he loves me and cherishes our marriage, but I can see he's still drawn to OW, and it's sometimes a struggle to keep from screaming, "You Lie"!

I think I'll go ahead and get the movie for us based on your descrption of it being useful for marriages on shaky ground. But I think I'll give the keylogging a couple of more weeks, and get a better idea of where we really stand.

Interesting that both you and your wife are active in the forum. Good for y'all!

Regulus:

When WH and I watched the movie, he was still in constant contact with OW. Me, being stupid and naive, trusted him when he told me he would tell me anytime he talked to her...anyhow...the movie left me quite unsettled. During my plan A, i was accutly aware of all the EN that i had neglected for quite some time. i spent most of that time appologizing for my part in the dimise of our marriage. I saw myself as the kirk cameron character and my WH as his wife. the movie to me, seemed to gloss over the fact, and almost make excuses for her looking outside her marriage. but, like i said, maybe i was not in the right frame of mind. even watching the husband work so hard to get her back, my WH seemed to accept this as the characters responsibility for being so horrible to his wife. almost like well....whaat do you expect. we went for a long walk after movie and he seemed to feel that it was the husbands responsibility to win his wife back, since it was his fault she was in the emotional state she was in anyway. well, needless to say, i could only agree with this somewhat. so, the movie was quite unsettling to me. maybe if we would have watched it much later, down the road. after contact had ended and fog was lifted a bit.......

now he takes responsibility for stepping outside of our marriage and looking outward, and i have started positive ways to really keep communication open and learn positive MB techniques to move forward past this horrible time.

best of MB luck to you