ok nm last reply I found it and thats good stuff. i will be a professional reverse babbler now.

About your up and down feelings on if it is worth saving, I am going to tell you that that is totally NORMAL. I go through those feelings almost daily, sometimes in minutes. What I try to do is focus on what brought me here in the first place and why I started it, I wanted to save my M.

I don't think that this has been mentioned to you on this thread yet, so I will state it for you. You have a huge chance of thinking about and even committing an RA(REVENGE affair). The way you feel about other women may lead you to that. BE VERY CAREFUL when you talk to women. I was a person who before my WH told me that he was going to leave me, I wouldn't find other men sexually attractive. I have been with my WH since I was 16 so, I had never thought about what it would be like to have SF with another man. Don't get me wrong, I could say, "He has a nice smile. That man had nice eyes." But that was as far as it went. Now since I found out about my WH's A, I see when guys are hitting on me(or I just think they are HAHAHAHAHA) and I have even started to have thoughts like, "What would it be like to date that man?"

You don't date while you are married. If you get a D, there will be plenty of time for you to date. Think about how unfair it would be to that other girl if your wife came back and you dumped her, crushing her feelings.

You really have done very well so far, focus on your plan.

ya I thought about how unfair to the other women it would be and so I haven't pursued nor will I any other relations. Why do you think she called me to "just check in?"

Jon,

You did awesome by revealing the affair to her lover's wife. Now for the affair to completely end, all contact must stop. No working or seeing each other, no texts, emails, phone calls, etc...everything has to be open. As most wayward spouses, she is probably very addicted to this man, so she will suffer a period of withdrawal. As hard as it might be, you will have to support hurt through this extremely painful process of giving up her lover. Communication is key. See if you can figure out what he provided for her that you did not. Did he listen to her? Did he compliment her? Did he pay attention to her? YOU need to fulfill all those needs that the lover was doing. You are going to have to do it fast & furiously as well.

I know you're suffering. It's like death to find out that your spouse is in love with another person, but your spouse is also in a very volatile state as well. Without her new found love, she may feel that life isn't worth living; it's very hard. Wayward spouses are more likely to commit suicide than their victims. She's suffering too. If you had a happy marriage, she would've never fallen for another man outside your marriage. As hard as it might be, start taking care of the needs that he has been fulfilling, then she won't need her lover anymore. She is still there with you, so on some level, she would like for you to be with her first. Even if she doesn't say it, go by her actions. Try so hard. Try harder than you ever have, but as long as your wife is still working with him, the affair continues. She must have no contact whatsoever with him at all. It sounds like that he is already on the right tract by ignoring her, so if that keeps up, you have a great chance of getting your wife back & having a better marriage than ever. Stay away from your computer, ignoring her, and give her everything emotionally she desires. Emotional needs are the number one reason women leave men, so make sure you are fulfilling every emotional need your wife has no matter how hard it is for you right now. You can save this marriage because her lover doesn't seem too committed at this moment.

Except your wife's failures too. It may take months for her to completely let go of him, but if you keep fulfilling her emotional needs and paying attention to her, you will eventually have her back to yourself for good. Then you will have to continue to fulfill her emotional needs for the rest of your life. A small gift from you to your wife to keep your marriage happy for a lifetime.

Best of luck to you both.

HS,

Love your handle. I see this is your very first post. Might be a good idea to just read for awhile or post your own story. Even those of us who have been hanging around here for several years like to defer to the "experts" who know the MB ways inside out. To begin, you will find the AP (affair partner) called many things on these forums but NEVER, EVER "lover." I prefer POSOM in the case of an OM. (other man) Lover is extremely hurtful for those of us who have been vistims of adultery and that would be just about all of us.

Good job on finding that thread, Jon. Now practice.

God's Blessings,

Say

She just called me again to "check in on the kids" we talked casually for a bit, but she didn't mention the D at all today. I told her I was giving the kids a bath (thats the first time I have given them a bath without her helping) I also got thier church clothes laid out and told her I was taking them to church in the morning even though my older brother wasn't going (she always thought I went to church just to hang out with him) I'm doing things small steps at a time. I had originally told her we could switch off staying in the house like every other night, but tomorrow i am going to tell her I am not up for doing this and I am staying her, she can stay somewhere else if she likes.

ok now this is VERY wierd! she called me AGAIN! she is just calling to talk this time not about D.

She is still getting on his facebook page and looking at all of the OM's pictures all the time.
I did get an interesting note from the OM's spouse that said "Me and you have never talked ok? NEVER, My husband never said your wife was in love with him he told me it wasn't like that at all, and yes me and my husband are trying to work out our marriage" in response to a note i sent her that said "my wife is still in love with your husband and she is still trying to contact him. Are you all working out your marriage?"
my WS also just bought a laptop tonight so there goes all chances of me monitoring her activity. So now what? just keep sticking to plan A?

LOL Good idea, Jon but be more tactful when you tell her. Tell her that you want to work on your M and you can't do that if you are staying in different places. Tell her that the best thing for your kids is to have both mom and dad in the house cause they need both of you.

Keep up the good work.

God's Bessings,

Say

Everytime I tell her "I want to work on this marriage" etc.. she says "there is no marriage to save, me and you are done and I want a divorce" I usually say "Well i don't want a divorce and I DO want to save this marriage" I will tell her when it comes up that the best thing for the kids is for both of us to be in the house for them. She is going to stay at her aunt's house which is our neighbor's I'm sure because I told her I am going to sleep in the bed and she said "I can't sleep in the same bed with you, I do not love you like that anymore" We do have 2 beds and I may mention that we can sleep in seperate beds but we would still be in same house, we can see how that goes.

Don't tell her you want to work on the marriage. She knows. Just let it happen in time.

Wish me luck today She got a laptop so no more snooping the comp was my #1 source of info before. Plan A continues.

Don't offer a solution to the bed situation, Jon. Let her come up with that on her own if she wants to come home. Married people should sleep in the same bed and you would be if she had not brought a third party into your M.

Good luck today. You are doing great.

God's Blessings,

Say

Everytime I truly think about whats going on it breaks me apart inside. Just knowing I love my WIFE and she doesn't love me.
I don't show it on the outside but inside I'm being ripped apart. I just wish the fog would lift, they have not been in contact at all and the OM said he is not going to contact my WS and the OM's spouse told me also that they are going to try and fix their marriage. How much longer do you think it will be before the fog lifts? They only met for sex 1 time, they were talking for 2 months but just on the comp not in person. She probably only fell "in love" with him for 2 weeks at most. The A is over, he was just using her for sex obviously but how long b4 she realizes it?

Well today didn't go so well at all. When she got back from her trip with her aunt she had her wedding rings off. I told her I am staying in the house she said "you already agreed to switch houses every now and again" I said well I think it's best for the kids if we are both in same house.
She said "the kids won't know because they will be in bed when I leave" I said we can switch off using the couch and she said "it's to wierd staying in this house with you" I said "we have stayed in the same house for 5 years and slept in the same bed for 5 years how is it wierd"? she said I am not sleeping in the same bed or house with you.

I said "it doesn't mean were going to do anything or try anything it's just a place to sleep" her aunt is going to have war she has a very bad temper and I agreed to switch houses to her but now I'm not going to. she also said "we need to figure what half of the stuff you get and have an amicable divorce"

I said "I am not going to cooperate with a divorce because I don't want it,I love you way to much to be amicable because if this ends I could never see you or speak to you again, it would her me to much". she said "we need to be amicable for the kids" I said "thats the reason I can't be amicable, how could I ever look the person that destroyed our family in the face again"? she went speechless and thats when she left. Before the divorce talk we were joking around and playing with the kids. She bought a laptop and I was helping her get internet connection she said " I don't want you putting anything on it to spy on me" I said "that really hurts that you would even think that, I am trying to help you get this working and show you how to do it and now that you said that I will let you do it yourself". she said "I'm sorry for saying that, I just want you to teach me how to do it".
so I showed her how and we laughed together and played with the kids, but she stayed on the laptop the whole time while me and kids were having a good time in other room. Did I do anyhting I shouldn't have, or did I handle it ok? What do you all think about this situation, is it still possible to save this marriage?

I think you are allowing her to drag you into too much relationship talk. You owe her no explanation. Tell her very briefly what you are or are not going to do and then give her the old "Would you like a cookie?"

Please read up on plan A. Your expectations are way too high. Again, Plan A is for you. Provide a pleasant home environment, look good, be kind, have fun with your kids. Invite her to join in if she does not, let her miss out.

Jon, please don't panic. Your wife is in the height of her fog stage. Her A is probably over. PLAN A HER!!!! Read your whole thread again and read other people's. You can do this. You are expecting too much too soon.

God's Blessings,

Say

I didn't really talk about the raltionship at all, and I was using lines from the other vets they told me to use when she said these certain things.
I know it's going to take time but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I read and read plan A and I didn't use any LB's and I told her the reason i won't be amicable is because I love her so much. This is the advice from the others I am using. I try to take it one day at a time and I don't show her that it bothers me at all.

The sleeping arrangements conversation was unneccesary and would be viewed by your WW as inflamatory.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel in Plan A, Jon. You are doing this for you. It is often successful in helping to bring a wayward out of the fog but it is mainly for you. Reread the articles on it and hopefully some of the pros will chime in to help you to understand it. Any expectations sabatoge your efforts. You are not making these changes in yourself for any other reason except to make yourself a better person. If your WW defogs enough to see what she is missing, then R will begin. If not, you will be able to tell your kids that you did everything that you possibly could to keep your family together.

I am praying for you.

God's Blessings,

Say

Ok guys, she got the divorce but she is practically giving me everything because she wants out. She is going to pay me spousal support, the schedule for the kids is great, I get like 75% of the stuff in the house. She even has me still living at the house.... She told me thanks for trying so hard to save the marriage, and that she wants to feel love for me again but she can't.
I have accepted the fact that it is over, and I have became such a better person from all the advice you all have given me, and I will find someone who will appreciate the knowledge and abilities I have learned. She knows I didn't want the divorce and my kids will always know how hard I fought to save it.
I will still keep being the same person I have no become forever. I got the car in my name, the bills were split evenly and she is going to make the payments on my part until I get out of school then I will begin paying my half. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your support and prayers, and as much as I wanted to save my family from this it has already happened. It won't be long before I join the life after divorce forum

Hmmm... Still sounds foggy to me.

Make sure you get that all in writing before her fog clears - could be to your advantage later on.