GG,
I am sure of my religion. Dating outside our faith is....like the Amish...we don't consider it....and we are shocked when a brother or sister does it. Maybe because I lived 26 years with a boy/man who converted to please and have me (pre-wedding) and then almost immediately dropped out, I see that life can be ok living with a non member. In my marriage although not ideal, it wasn't religion as much as his adultery and cruelness that did us in.

There would be no 'open dating.' If I openly admitted I am seeing him there would be a total no holds barred attempt to derail this relationship. If we married, my people would come around eventually. They would not be angry or unkind to him. In their eyes, he has done nothing wrong. It is my wrong.

I struggle with trying to please too many people. And even when I get to the point of thinking "I don't have to please anyone except God", I then look to my 10 yo son and wonder how I will explain this to him when I have taught him since infancy that he is only to marry in our faith. (Do as I say son, not as I do)

Things are quickly coming to a head though. This man is traveling for work now and it has been a disastor because he is not home enough to see his kids or me. He is coming out of that job next week and now needs to figure out where to land. There is my city. There is our old home town 90 miles away...where his daughter would like to spend her senior year....or there is Dallas which is about 5 hours from me and not really a school system he wants to put his daughter in. Daughter is fine with my city...fine with old home town....He wants to come to my city but I am terrified of that.

And it all comes down to me facing my people. I don't know how I can do it. What does that say about me? About my love for him?

He wants to marry soon....and honestly if I am going to continue a relationship with him I think we should marry...but I lose my alimony when I do and I want to be sure and all of that.

I dont know how to tell what to do. He told me the other day that one thing he has figured out about me is that I will suffer if it means I think I am doing the right thing. It has been such a complicated relationship that I feel relief when I think of ending it and no longer having to 'hide' seeing him like I'm 15 or something. But then I think about life without him and I get very sad and depressed and a little angry....

He is a very hard worker. However, he has nothing. Part of that is due to him walking away from his marriage with nothing and part is due to the very full life he has lived. Stunt man, racing....he has really enjoyed his life and I admire and envy that becaue I've always played it so safe. He has clearly grown up and is responsible now and he only wants simple things now like I do....but I worry.

On the one hand I want him to live in my city, with his daughter, and let us all get to know one another. I want to see how life is when it is real, constant...and not just him coming to see me every few weeks while ds is at his dad's. I fear we have romantizied our relationship because we have had no reality getting in the way. On the other hand, I worry that he might move here and I realize it is NOT to be and then what? He is in a city he would have not chose if not for the hope of a future with me.

I just don't know what to do.

So you are still married? It worked out?

He would pull his daughter out of high school SENIOR year in order to pursue a relationship with you?

I have a problem with this. You two are adults. It is her senior year. Those only come around once.

No. That is not what is going on. She lived with her mother until her mother was killed 4 years ago and the girl has been in constant turmoil ever since...due in part to his now Xwife and how mean she was to the girl (13 when he mom died). They actually divorced in large part to how the wife treated his daughter when daughter came to live with them. Last summer when it all blew up and he was trying to figure out what to do next his daughter talked him into letting her go back to the town/city she was raised in (when she lived with her mom) and live with her best friend and finish her last two years of high school. He allowed that. He now believes that was a HUGE mistake. She doesn't want to stay there now for her Sr. year. She wants to be with her dad wherever he lands.

Which brings us to his dilemma. Where does he land? He has to consider a)the job situation b)his daughter's senior year c)our future.

So no, OH, it isn't as simple as him saying, 'sorry dd, I am pulling you out of your life long school your sr. year to pursue a relationship with SW.' It is MUCH more complicated than that.

Yup, and I think given all the turmoil you described, it would behoove him to spend some time on his own, and settle down a bit. I am talking maybe a year or two; it would do him and his daughter good. You too, I suspect.

AGG

We are married, going through early stages of divorce. If I could have had more time to settle down my feelings, I think I would have had the where-with-all to walk away from this relationship before I got in so deeply. In all actuality, I DID walk away at about 6 mo. However, she reeled me back in, and in all actuality, after she changed some things, I went back willingly.

NO... it didn't work out. We were both, for the most part, REBOUND relationships. I had dated, but only one of all the women I dated, did we go out more than once. And it wasn't a relationship, it stopped at about 6 dates. It was good, because I had boundries and I stood with them. But when I met my wife, I buried my head, and refused to see reality, because I 'FELT' good being with her.

Be careful, because as you know, things WON'T get better with marriage, they will get worse. Drama increases and the worst thing is that you can't simply 'go home' and let it cool down. You ARE HOME and a part of it in its entirety.

Like I said... I was ready to 'DATE' no doubt about it. I just wasn't ready for a real relationship. When we are older or divorced, I believe we take each date as a 'possible marriage candidate'. I know I wouldn't have wasted my time going out with someone who, 'going in', I knew I wouldn't want to be with. But when we were kids/college, heck... I would have gone out with anyone who caught my eye. I wasn't worried, because I wasn't 'looking'. It is different as an adult though. At least for me.

One fear I have is 'finding someone' early, who seems to fit me well. I fear I will drop it, because I wouldn't trust it. What in the world would I think if the FIRST woman I met, turned out to be 'THE ONE'... HEH

SW, I don't know what to tell you.
I do know that you can't seriously teach your son to only marry within your faith if you yourself don't believe that.

I agree with AGG that everyone needs time to settle down, be without turmoil and get to know one another. I personally think having him be in your area would be the only way to really get to know if he's a good choice of husband for the reasons you pointed out. I can also see who it would very hard to handle the discouragement of those in your faith.

Yet, I think you need to deal with it. You said they'd try to derail the relationship. How could they do that? How much power do they have over you?

And lastly, I'm wondering if you've tried dating within your faith since your divorce. If going outside is verbotin, your church may have the structure to help you meet available men.

It is much easier to date when your family respects your choice. I personally would seriously reconsider anyone who my family disliked or disapproved of. Firstly because I'm very close to my family and I do not ever want to have to chose between husband and FOO. Secondly, because when I'm in the infatuation phase I may not see all the red flags. Is there anyone in your family or faith with whom you can discuss this?

You mean totally break it off? Neither of us is interested in a long term dating situation. We are not kids....45 and 47.

I am also very close to my family. They were aware I was seeing him around the first of the year but I broke it off with him and then started to see him again and didn't bother mentioning it to my family.

My FOO and my spiritual family do not know this man. At all. They have nothing against him---it is only the fact that he is not of my faith that makes them flip totally out over me dating him. And he isn't 'against' my religion. He is willing to go with me to services and eventually convert....he of course would be welcomed with open arms by everyone....it is just ME that will have gone against what we believe to be a Biblical command to marry only in the Lord.

I have other friends, outside of my faith, that know about him. Also my brother knows...and this man and I have many many many mutual friends since we were raised in the same small town. I can't find anyone who has anything bad to say about him. He is a man who has learned from his mistakes and really wants very simple things out of life. Work hard, be with your loved ones, eat good food, drink good wine and play when you can.

Interestingly enough he has a cousin that is married to a man who was raised in my religion....so he has insight into how it works....and the pressure her husband was under when he was dating her.

I love him. I think we could have a really happy life together. And I know my family would eventually get over me marrying outside of my faith....If only I could find a way to tell my family!!!!

Yup. Neither of you is ready for a healthy relationship. You are each other's band-aid, and that does not work out well in the longterm.

AGG

Sounds alot like hi school to me! Sorry but really , games like that are for kids, what's done is done, move on. Let the loser liar lay.