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I went back and read my posts from a year ago. It is amazing to look back with 20/20 hindsight and examine my thoughts and feelings.

Some red flags of false recovery that I ignored at the time:

- I made wholesale changes in the way I treated my WW...and she went about things business as usual
- Got her flowers, card and gift for Valentine's day...she got me nothing
- She read a little from book that IC gave her, but only day before their next appointment. Never picked up SAA although i left it around the house
- Never brought up subject of the Affair to me...I was always one initiating conversation on this topic
- I hinted that I needed the nitty-gritty details of the hookup, but she never brought up the subject...(she eventually did...)
- I felt like she was just existing, waiting for this to fade in to the past.
- Said "I need to be a better wife" but did little to show me. Lots of talk, very little action.
- Filled out ENQ and I peeked at hers (I'm meeting those top ENs), but she didn't ask to see mine (months later she did)


The very good peeps here kept telling me something was not right, something smelled rotten in Denmark...but I would not listen. Thankfully I snooped...and ultimately discovered OM#4...it was Plan D from there. LG, out

Basically a "false/failed recovery" (and I had inklings of several both before and after divorce) occurs when one of the following is present:

1. The A is unknown, hidden, or unadmitted to the BS (cake-eating)
2. The A is known but ongoing in secret (no-contact lied about or never initiated)
3. The A resumes because no-contact isn't maintained (boundaries/separation not enforced vigorously by the WS)
4. The A is truly over but the WS refuses to own-up & earn back trust (no "just compensation")
5. The A is truly over but the BS refuses to fully reconcile (as is his/her right to decide)

The vast majority of FRs (#s 1-4) occur because the WS/fWS still values the affair/OP more than they do the marriage/BS.

BUMPING

BUMP

for Hopeful30

DNU1, your list sounds like my WH now. I hope I'm not in another false recovery. Makes me really think.

I was totally honest with her and explained how I found out things (I admitted to the keylogger, voice recorder). Now she knew how to defeat that.

I didnt try really hard to get her into counseling with the Harleys - she said she wanted to do her plan - I know, it was stupid, it was no plan

I didn't put anything on her cell phone to track web use/messaging.

I didn't continue to snoop as much.

She did not want to divulge details of affair - said it was a love buster b/c it made her feel ashamed - not too ashamed that she did it with someone else

I brought up the affair - and subsequent arguments - too much - but I was nearly perfect in every other way - she was just not committed

She told people that you shouldn't have to try, shouldn't have to work at being in love with your husband. It should just be there. She took the easy road out by getting infatuated with a high school friend on Facebook during our recovery and quit.

1. I wish I would have started snooping right away. I wish I would have installed the key logger months ago. I wish I woud have not talked about the OW so much, reason being is that I think I kept her alive.

2. I don't think I missed cluses that he wasn't ready, I think we were healing the wrong way. I nagged day in and day out which in turn made our relationship seem like more work then it was worth. When I tell you I had him up until like 3 or 4 in the morning yelling and discussing the OW, that is not an exaggeration.

3. If you want something to die, you have to starve it. In the beginning get all of your questions out, yell and scream if you have to. But once you decide to take you WS back, at some point you have to let it go. Don't mess up a new day with the mistakes from yesterday.

My husband went back to the OW only in the since of conversating over the phone. She listened to him complain about me, she was a shoulder for him to lean on, at the time I wasn't. I kept her alive, but she is now dead to us because I no longer discuss her, thus allowing him to get over their emotional attachment. She's out of his site, out of his mind. If I could take it back, I would have not talked about her everyday for 4 months, yes literally I talked about her every day for 4 months.

I know how you feel
But I have to say I haven't done that...
But I have talked about it maybe once a month...
I am working on breaking that habit...

I did it when I seen he sent her jokes email...
He hasn't seen her in 9 months...
I think you are right though
Let her die by me keep bring it up
just makes him think about the OW I am sure
It would me...

And things are good here till I do bring it up...
So I am going to try and take your advice...
On letting her die...

Thank You

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Uh oh......this sounds too familiar

Some of these things can be done and you can STILL be in a FR. For example:

During our FR my H took me out for an amazing dinner and gave me flowers, a card and a g.c. for a spa treatment.


My H DID bring it up on occasion and even went so far as to tell me all the gory details (I'd asked); he told me how disgusted he was by the OW and the A and other things I hadn't asked.


We both did the ENQ and we discussed it.

Even though my H did these things it was his ATTITUDE that should have clued me in that something was very, very wrong. He went through phases where it was very clear he wanted to work things out and that he was sorry but he was still distant and just...not himself at all.

He would also go through phases of being unusually cruel. APs bring out the worst in waywards and that's always a huge clue.

MF is oh so correct...the clearest indicator for me was the cruelty in his behavior and the coldness.

Right. Truly, my H is a different man now. I cannot believe how the A and AP changed him during that time into someone he really is not.

1. WHAT did you do that you wish you'd done differently?

I wish I had found MB sooner. I wish I would have asked him to change jobs immediately. I wish I had listened to my gut. I wish I had kicked him out sooner and remained silent longer. I wish I had not allowed him into our home to see the kids...completely dark. I wish I had not told him how I knew information...that just made him sneakier.

2. WHAT clues did you miss (or ignore) that your WS was not ready for recovery?

He did not change. He didn't initiate change. He did not seem present. He continued to get blocked calls (told me they were from police officers) He got emailed texts. He continued to delete messages.

3. WHAT lessons did you learn that you'd like to pay forward to others, so that they might avoid a FR?

If it is a co-worker WS MUST CHANGE JOBS. No matter how much you need the $, no matter if they say they can avoid each other...no matter what. Do not trust too soon. I did not snoop deeply enough. Expose to WS family members.

My FWH used an email I did not know he had ONLY on his work computer so I could not track it. She called him through the general work line and had them transfer her so it could not be traced on her phone. WS are so good as deception.

For me -- We just stepped into FR on Friday --

I wish I had exposed from the very beginning.(unfortunately,there were underlying conditions keeping me from fully exposing)

I wish I had listened to the wonderful people on here when so many of them said that everything I was saying sounded like his A was still going on. I tried to justify the reasons that I thought it was over.

What clues did I miss? His resistance to talk about the A. If he saw I was upset, he'd get so mad and say "can't you just drop it?" or things like that. He was very defensive if I'd question his whereabouts. He was deleting calls from her.

What lessons did I learn? Unfortunately, I am still learning them. It's NOT my fault. I shouldn't feel bad exposing because this was HIS choice. WH can tell lie after lie and not blink an eye over it. Don't be too quick to believe WS is telling you the truth.

My false recovery was last year. I am now divorced. We had a 4 month false recovery that I led. My ex went along with my plan. It was never his plan. He never volunteered information. I always did the discovering to obtain the truth. I did the exposure - which he detested. I did plan A but I could have been better at eliminating LBs. I never thought I needed Plan B because my husband had agreed to NC and I thought we were recovering. He would also get mad if I acted hurt or had questions about the affair. He apologized often but was grudging in setting up EPs. He was never completely honest. He broke NC four months into our false recovery and filed for divorce shortly after that. A BS can lead a marriage into recovery if the WS joins them and participates. It cannot be successful if the BS is doing all the work.

Falsity (from Latin falsitas) or falsehood is a perversion of truth originating in the deceitfulness of one party, and culminating in the damage of another party.