yes i would battle. Just need a road map or plan of attack. That's all i'm asking. Don't want to play games here. I'm a good husband, good father, good friend, good man. Just want a chance at love and peace of mind. Depressed and sad right now. Energy is low. Starting on antidepressant meds. Will pray and meditate and read and read. thanks

Gary,

What Pep is trying to do, is get you to quit feeling sorry for yourself, stand up, and go learn a few things. A few days of reading here will help you develop a plan of attack on this affair.

The good news is that nothing is unusual in your situation, it is very common around here and it can be turned around. HOWEVER, it takes a strong commitment from the Bs because ending the affair is tough, recoverying the marriage is tougher. You have to make some decisions and so far it is not clear that you have. YOu say things, but what have you done?

I would also put down all of the rest of the books you are reading and stick with this site and Harley's books for awhile. It is not that they are bad, but Harley is one of the very few that has organized what needs to be done and how to do it. Start with that. You then see later that often the others are saying similar things but not as clearly or as well organized. You need a plan, and that starts with data, plans of action and how to evaluate what is going on.

Eventually, you may have to give her an ultimatum, but you want it to be when you have the best chance of being chosen. Right now, it is unlikely that is the case.

Hang in there, and really listen carefully to Pep. She is prodding you to think, evaluate, and then state what your goals are. So far you have ignored this. You need to pay attention.

God Bless,

JL

I understand, thanks for the heads up. will read and study and pray and pray. God Bless too!! p.s. i'm paying attention, but sometimes hard to see the forest thru the trees!

Actually it is hard to see the advice through the FOG. BS come here with fog of their own and it takes some good vets to clear it out for you.

READ READ READ. You will learn a lot on here. It will make it easier to grasp what the vets are telling you. A's follow a script and the vets have seen this happen over and over again.

There is nothing more frustrating than someone who just expects the answers to plop in their lap without doing any work. This is a long hard journey and you have to pull your own weight. So while you are waiting for more awesome advice, read and understand. Then when you think you have read enough, READ SOME MORE.

Go to other people's threads and find sitch's that are close to yours and see what the vets said to them. Use what is relevant to your sitch. This will keep you busy while you are waiting for people to respond. I have been on here for almost 3 months and I still have things to read.

How does she contact OM? Block all access to OM. He's thousands of miles away. Don't let her go back home without you.

i'm reading....really. thanks to all!!!keep it coming

You must gather intel.


LINK to another thread about "spying"


link to The Art of War


link to misapplication of Plan A


link to "It's the Fear"

Keep reading.
Order the book SAA.

Keep posting.

hi, hard to gather intel as HE is in south america. She only uses her cell.

Part of Plan A is exposing the adultery to people who matter.
What exposure has taken place?
Does WW attend church?
Is she a catholic?

Do i stay in plan A trying to expose this affair. Or do i get strength and tell her to leave!! There are not too many people who matter to her to expose to. The guy is in another continent without any means according to a mutual friend. He has no visa and can't come here. thankyou

Gary -

Glad you are still hanging in here with us. Please do more reading here. I think Pep was referring to the links she posted about intel.

Everything is in your favor. Most men here are dealing with an OM who is living close. So you have the satisfaction of knowing that the physical part of the affair is not ongoing.

You stay in Plan A for now. By the way, have you read about it? I'm not understanding what you mean by getting the strength to tell her to leave, because that is not the MB plan.

You need to be figuring out what needs the OM is meeting and try to meet those needs. In the meantime, don't facilitate their contact. Cut off the phone, cancel the ability to text, cancel the internet, if that is how she is staying in contact.

She may still get a pre-paid phone card, but at least then it won't be in your face.

believer, plan b is ceasing contact. wouldn't that mean asking her to leave?

Back tonite...been reading alot...including Love Must be Tough by Dobson.. Please guide me some more. I thing i'm starting to get it a bit. Very tired and worn down right now. Thanks

i guess weekends are slow...will check in later. thanks all

I think you should draft a planB letter, get an intermediary, and do planB. Thats what I think... But I think you should wait for more experienced posters to give you feedback about all this BEFORE you do it.

Gary, it is the weekend, and it slows down measurably. It's also the Sunday of the NFL championship games, so that's probably got people distracted, too.

From what I've read, you should be focusing on Plan A. You do understand the Carrot & Stick parts of Plan A, don't you?

In brief, the Carrot part has you being the perfect husband you were when your wife married you. It requires you to be 100% "Giver" to her emotional needs and 0% "Taker." This is very rough on your part, so Plan A is by necessity, time limited.

The Stick part is where you snoop, gather evidence and expose the affair to everyone who might have influence over your wife. This includes parents, siblings, relatives, co-workers, priests, etc. Exposure is best done in "nuclear" fashion. In other words, all at once. The reduces or eliminates the chance of your wife spinning the exposure by getting to the exposure targets first, claiming you've lost your mind, are angry, etc.

The purpose of Plan A is twofold. It is designed to put as much pressure as possible on the affair, taking it out of the realm of fantasy and bringing it into the light of truth. Affairs thrive in secrecy, so exposure is a MUST.

The second part is to get you to be the loving husband you were when the two of you got married. When your wife sees this, it puts additional stress on the affair because she now gets confused over who the man is that she wants to be with.

However, most affairs don't die because of Plan A, so then Plan B goes into effect. Plan B is SEPARATION and NO CONTACT. If Plan A is done well, this causes more stress on the affair because now the needs you were meeting in Plan A are not being fulfilled, and the OM must now meet ALL of her needs. That's usually not possible, which also serves to help kill the affair.

Plan B is started by your wife moving out and you handing her a letter that specifies the conditions for her to return to the marriage. First among these is PERMANENT NO CONTACT with the OM.

This is necessarily brief. The link I gave you should get you started. And by the time you've gotten the hang of Plan A, the veterans here will have returned and will be glad to assist you the best they can.

Thanks for this...i'll get to it.