I take the point that ending the affair will take the efforts of more than my WW and I. It's a communal effort. But the WW has agreed to talk with me about her A. Why punish her now?

As Doormat No More says, the WW needs to be rewarded for her honesty. I'll tell the OM'sW and possibly my in-laws, but telling anybody else will infuriate my WW.

I know, I know: temporary anger is better than a long-term affair. But let me hear what the WW has to say. Then I'll decide whether to tell everyone who'll support me and my marriage.

Unclear to whom? Because it's crystal clear to me as far away as Australia.


No it's not good enough. You are enabling the affair. Tell OMW NOW!

I see you walking through a field of stones. Under each one of these stones lies a potential marriage-killer. Do you turn over every stone and disable the marriage-killers? Or do you only choose particular stones because they look more threatening than the others?

Do you leave stones unturned, or don't you?

Bad news on a couple of fronts today:

1) WW now refuses to discuss her A. Yesterday she agreed in principle. Today she threatened to communicate with me only via email and reiterated her desire for divorce.

2) Phone numbers for OM'sW don't work. I sent her a note via Facebook. (Thank goodness, it must be her; whether she checks her account is another question).

I could use perspective on the first news item. She changed her mind about talking because her fog reappeared? I suspect she had been out of it after she flew into a rage Thursday and apologized afterward.

---

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 32
Kids: 2.5 and 1
Married 5 years; together 9; never lived together
EA fall '08; move out fall '09

Michael, have you read any of the threads on here?

God's Blessings,

Say

I read all of the threads.

Michael - then you know what she is doing is typical. Nuclear exposure is the only way to go.

I contacted the OM'sW this weekend. She said a couple of interesting things:

1) She filed for divorce with the OM in late September. A few days later my wife told me she was moving out.

2) If my WW thinks the OM is going to marry her, my WW is making "a dumb-[censored] move." The OM cares only about himself. I know, duh!

Then my WW called me. She too said a couple of interesting things:

1) Speaking for the OM, she said that if I contacted the OM'sW again or anybody close to him, he (the OM) would not be responsible for his actions. (I'm shaking in my boots).

2) She will correspond with me only via email.

3) Her decision to move out the same time that his wife filed for divorce was coincidental. She (the WW) wanted to dump me years ago.

----

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 32
2 young kids
EA fall '08, move out fall '09
Together 9 years; never lived together

and????? It's all from the same friggin script.

EXPOSE

How long before my WW emerges from her fog?

Never will come out of her fog.

Cause you will never expose.

I agree. It is amazing the number of BSs that potentially want to save their marriages, yet resist the most important means of ending the affair. Why is that? Do they really want their marriages or are they simply posturing?

I think it's one word, Zelmo: Fear.

Betrayed spouses somehow think they are going to make things worse by acting aggressively to end the affair.

They have to be convinced that they can't make it any worse. I mean, how much worse can it get?

I'll post this again:

I've been seeing a lot of folks coming to this forum, distraught and devastated over their spouse's infidelity, much as I did not so long ago. I, and the rest of the BS's here, want to give them a hug because we know their pain.

Another thing I keep seeing is a strong desire for these broken people to 'help' their spouse keep cheating on them! Yes, I said HELP. And I mean that because of the BS's refusal to expose the A. I wish I had a nickel for every poster who has come on here, begging for help. And when the vets offer that help by explaining the importance of exposure, the BS responds with all the reasons for why they SHOULDN'T expose the A. For example:

"WS will lose his job." Oh, yeah. That's a good reason to let your spouse and his lover keep humping! NOT.
"My father will kill him!" Doubtful, don't you think?
"The OW's H is mentally unstable and will beat her up!" One, do you care? Two, her H has more than likely never laid a hand on her in anger.
"It will scar my children." Nothing like a divorce will.
"He'll get mad at me and leave me!" Okay. Then let the A continue so he can get the OW pregnant and THEN leave you. Or maybe just read some of the posts on here from FWS who are thankful they were exposed.
"It will destroy my in-laws if they know!" Um. Okay. But you might not want to keep calling them your 'in-laws'. Because they probably won't be that to you much longer.
"He'll lose the respect of his colleagues!" You think they don't already know?
"We can't afford for him to quit his job." Jobs are like buses. He can get another job. What you DON'T want him in is another MARRIAGE, right?

NOTHING is as important as your M! There is NO excuse to keep your spouse's affair confidential! There is every reason to let your spouse know that you will do whatever it takes to keep your marriage intact. If you listen to NO other piece of advice on this forum, listen to the vets who tell you when and how to expose the A! Exposure was what ended my FWH's A.

His timeline before exposure:

October: he thought the EA with his co-worker was just dandy, that as long as it was 'just' inappropriate comments and flirting it wasn't wrong. His AP's H knew something was up ("gut feeling") but didn't act on the feeling and resisted snooping in the beginning.
November: The EA goes PA. Too bad her BH didn't act on his 'gut feeling', huh?
December: WH is now addicted to the OP, but guilt has settled in and he has a hard time looking at himself in the morning and an even harder time looking at me, and he realizes that he's in a bad situation. Can't talk to anyone about it. His best friend is ME, so who's he going to confide in? He is now on a merry-go-round and doesn't know how to get off.
January: OW's spouse confronts my WH, which was a real wake-up call. He gives OW a NC letter. NC lasts all of one day. Why? Because they continued to WORK TOGETHER! LISTEN UP, newly betrayeds! Because they continued to WORK TOGETHER!
February: OW's spouse FINALLY sends certified letter to employer. A ends THAT DAY. OW's H makes her quit her job. They move away. My H confesses to me. Our rebuilding begins.

Look back at the timeline. Do you see where the A could have ended? Back in October, when the OW's H should have acted on his 'gut feeling'!

Don't expect your WS to be a standup person and do the right thing, because often they don't know HOW - my FWH told me he was GLAD the A was exposed, that he felt relief when his employer confronted him, because he didn't know how to end it!

Please, newly betrayed, please listen to the vets on this board if you truly want to save your marriage.

:::stepping down off soapbox:::

Hey everyone,

Actually I DID expose this weekend. I talked with the OM'sW and she told her WH to not let my WW near her or her kids. My WW called me furious that I had told the OM'sW. This exposure doesn't count?

It's a good start. Now, expand it.

"This exposure doesn't count?"

No not if this is all you have told.

You must expose WW parents and her siblings and if you have them your kids. Then move on to OM'parents

It's only a start. All friends and family (and OM's friends and family)

and she won't come out of the fog until she ends her affair. She is STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR.

She will remain foggy until it ends and then some.

That's a crappy lawyer. Yes you can do something. You can file for an order to have the kids returned to the marital home and establish primary custody for you with visitation for her.

Wake up and understand that you're establishing a status quo the longer you let this go on. You're not divorced right now and have every right to go get your kids, bring them to your house, and refuse to let her take them out of the marital home.

Get an order keeping them there.

Your rights as a father are at massive risk and you're letting them slip away. Wake up.