I found out my W was having EA with a guy she new for 1 month 20 years ago. They started talking on Facebook in October 2009, they only talked for three weeks before I found out and confronted her about it. She told me it was none of my business and she hasn't been happy for a long time, I got upset we started arguing I went to close the bedroom door as to not wake the kids.(3 kids 2 boys ages 10 and 4. 1 girl age 8) she ran to the door and tried opening it and I held it closed trying to talk to her with out waking the kids. But it was to late the older 2 kids came running so I opened the door we both told them we loved them and that mom was going to stay at her step sisters. I waited then called her to see if she made it o.k. she didn't answer so i called her sister and asked if my W was O.K. her step sister informed me that she was not home, she was visiting at her parents with her H. So I exposed to her the situation and she supported me. The OM is the step sisters cousin.
During the next 2 days my WW contacted the OM by phone and talked and they both stated that they wondered if things didn't happen to make them break up 20 years ago what would have happened.( she was 14 and he was 19 his mom made him cut contact back then.)

She came home on the 3rd day and confessed she has been in "love with him for 20 yrs and she would regret if she didn't try with him. I said and what about our children? She said they would be fine.

I then called her sister and told her what my w had said. SIL stated my w was crazy. Then called her cousin(the om) and told him the situation and he said he would break all contact.

On the 5th night my w went to the police and stated that i held her down and would not let her out of the house. witch has led to charges of domestic violence.

I talked to SIL after the police came and she was meeting her cousin that night after the sil and OM meeting the om contacted mt w and broke it off. Almost immediately after my w called my and asked if she could talk to me. she came home we talked she apologized for everything.

The next 3 weeks were great like we were just dating again. Then she started to distance when i asked what was going on she said she didn't think we were meat to be and she was confused and it was going to take time. I found out a week later the om contacted her and they had been talking. I confronted her and she lied said she didn't even think he would talk to her again. I the showed her proof (an email I printed out) she started crying and said om is more like a friend now and she wouldn't contact again. the om called the sil and said he messed up and talked to my w and said he would not do it again.
My w stated that she still wasn't happy and started becoming very secretive and when I asked about the OM she became very defensive and said I'm controlling and have always been that way. She would say I ways pushing her away. That was the middle of November. Even though I am new here as of yesterday, I have been working part of plan A mostly being a good H and father except for the questioning her about the relationship and the OM. Sometime after xmas my w convinced my SIL FIL and MIL that she hasn't been happy for years and that I was controlling and was acting crazy. I talked with sil 1 week ago she said that the W is not happy and it is not fair to kids that she stay in the marriage. I said we could work on her happiness and Sil said my w just want space to think.
Yesterday was the om birthday and my w had her planner open on her lap and i noticed that there was a 40 written on that date and asked her about it, she it was a note and didn't have anything to do with the OM. I said what a coincidence that he is turning 40 and there is 40 on your planner on h bday she started crying and said leave my alone. I told her not to contact om in this house she said I have not talked to him since i told you i wouldn't(that was nov 29). she then called sil had the sil talk to me. while on the phone w/SIL my W called Bil to come over (they live 2 miles away) bil showed up and said we need to talk. she has them all convinced that she is not happy and needs space. While bil and i were talking she came down to talk with us and told my she wants to get out get a legal separation and she were it goes from there.
I did find 1 email in the draft folder to om about his bday a couple of days ago but it was gone the next day.

Sorry I am new her and looking for advice on where to go from here.
I am thinking about confronting OM today at his work.
is that a good idea?

Hi Dastone,

Know what you want when you speak to OM. Tell him that you are fighting for your marriage. Does he have a wife or girlfriend that you need contact.

You may have to have a tape recorder on you person when you are communicating with your wife. This is to ensure that you do not get fingered for domestic violence again.

Read the "Carrot and the stick" by Pepperband. Find out what your wife's emotional needs are. Do NOT lovebust. Read the articles at the Red column on this page.

I just talked to OM he says he jumped out in November he even showed me his call history and contacts and she was not listed.
He said if she does try to contact him he would tell her he is not interested.

At this point I think she is hoping that if she is out of the marriage that he will show interest again.

She just called me and said she did think she wanted the separation right no but she wants to move out for a while and see where it goes from there. She wants to talk more about it tonight when i get home.

I have been using my phones voice recorder when i talk to her as a precaution.

Put a key logger on the computer so you can monitor emails and chats.

If she has a cellphone check the txt and call history online. Don't bother checking the phone itself because history can be deleted from the phone.

Does OM live nearby? If so put a GPS on the car that can send you reports of where she goes.

IF you find that she is still in contact with OM it is okay to tell her you know they're still in contact, but do NOT tell her HOW you know. That will only cause the affair to go further underground (prepaid disposable cellphones, work email accounts, chat sessions from the library computer, etc.)

When she talks to you tonight about moving out, let her know you love her and while you prefer that she stay in the marital home you cannot stop her from leaving. Be firm, however, that your children won't be leaving the house, and be firm that she will be paying for her apartment, utilities, groceries, etc. herself. If you're paying for her car and/or insurance, stop that too if she moves out. Tell her you're not going to finance the destruction of your marriage.

She may threaten divorce, to force you to pay alimony and child support. If she brings up D, tell her you're not interested in talking about D at this point, that you're only interested in repairing the marriage. Be a broken record and don't get lured into further discussion about D.

Stay VERY calm. Record everything. I wouldn't even try to hide the fact that you're recording, either.

I wouldn't trust this. He may have a secret phone.

I wouldn't confront the OM at his work. That will only lead to an argument and them hiding the affair even better.

Who have you exposed the affair to, other than WW's sister?
If you suspect the affair is ongoing, you need to expose. I suspect it is; otherwise WW wouldn't be wanting to move out.

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

dastone,
You're in the right place. Ditto everything turtlehead said in both posts. You can't go wrong following that advice.

I put a key logger on a couple of weeks ago and she came very close to finding it so i removed it. It was there for a week and i did not see anything just got account passwords.

Cell phone records are call history and number of text msgs only. She is not using her phone to call him.

the OM lives about 35 miles away. I really don't think they have met in person yet.

WW is in graduate school 1 night a week and then an internship 2 days a week other than that she has our 4 year old most of the time.

I will tell her those things tonight about not financing the destruction of our marriage. I am i little worried about the domestic charges and what she can do with the kids. I live in utah. not sure what rights she or i have as far as children go.

The OM has no GF or W He has 3 kids i think 7 16 and 18?? not sure of exact ages though. I don't think he has a reason for another phone.

I think this is very serious. She has lied to you time and again and had no problem filing bogus domestic battery charges with the police against you. Clearly she has no problem destroying your career and the well being of your children. You need to protect yourself at once. Please contact an attorney on how to protect yourself. She sounds very very unstable.

I feel WW could be very unstable right now aswell. She takes quite a few different meds mostly for depression, anxiety and sleep.

I was just contacted Friday by the attorney that I was appointed. He said he would get back to me when he receives all of the information.

I exposed WW to step sister, step mother, father, bil, step brother. The sister exposed to OM aunt and three or four of his cousins.
After talking with OM I believe he has nothing more to do with her now. He told me that he did not want to be the reason the marriage ended. He did not want the guilt.
I think she is still in a confusion and thinks if she can end the marriage he will be interested again.

I talked to WW last night about separation and we agreed to a six month trial. She would find a place not more than 2 miles away and kids are here and could stay at WW place when needed or wanted. She is willing to pay most of her own way. I will help a little if need be.

About the EA I am pretty sure it is still a fog in her head. I have checked her facebook and email accounts she haas tried to contact OM once last week and he has not responded.

She wants to move out asap. I don't know where to go from here, any advice would help.

When we talked last night she asked me a few times why i wanted her to stay, I said because I want our marriage to work. She would respond with I don't want you and get very mad and mean. I gave in a couple of times on her babble and dealt some LBs. I finally walked away. About an hour later we talked and agreed she would only take necessary furniture (spare sofa, tv, a dresser and spare bed.) This morning she came to me all sweet and nice and asked if she could take the master bedroom set, I said I thought we agreed on what furniture was going. She started to cry and said I just want to feel comfortable and secure, then went and cried for while in the spare bedroom.

She just left for school and would not look at or talk to me. I said "you look nice, I'll see you later" and she said I don't want to talk to you at all right now and left.

This morning I checked WW facebook account and she has sent 2 private messages to OM in the last 2 days and OM has not responded to any of them. When I confronted OM 2 days ago OM said do you want me to call her? I said no. OM said do you want me to answer her call if WW calls and tell her something? I did not know what to say so I said Don't answer her.
But now I am thinking if OM is willing to call WW and tell WW that he is not interested and never to contact him again, that it may be just what we to try to save our marriage.??

What do you guys think? What should I have OM tell WW and how should he say it??

Edit: forget to include messages
first one wich i believe is the first try for recontact since early December
1- On 1/25/2010 "I hope you had a good birthday! Absolutely, no obligation to reply."
2- On 1/26/2010 "Sorry to bother you. I'll try not to again:) I know your are being a good..."

Thank you in advace for your advice.

Dastone.

I am meeting OM in an hour.
Any advice on what I should have him say to my ww when he calls her?? I plan on having him call her when I am there to so I can witness it.

Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated!
Thank you.
Dastone.

I'm not sure how this is going to play out for you, dastone. You seem to be willing to trust your WW and the OM - why? What in the world have they done to earn your trust??

Your W "almost" found the key logger, so you took it off. WHAT? Why would you remove such a valuable tool!? And who cares if she finds it? Go to SpectorPro and download software that will run invisibly. Trust me - she won't find it.

You take the word of OM when he shows you his cell. Why? He could just as easily be showing you his daughter's cell, his buddy's cell, an old cell he's had laying around.

How do you know your WW and OM aren't already suited up to 'pretend' to break up in front of you?

You cannot confirm on FB whether or not the OM responded to your W. He may have responded in another way. It's particularly glaring that there has been more than one contact sent to him by your W. Three times? I suspect contact, just not via FB.

And now your WW has moved out?? Why would she leave? To work on your marriage? Think about that. People work on things together, not separately.

Why do you trust these people and not do your own snooping?

Hi dastone, I'm new to your thread and see that you're quite new here. Not being a "veteran," I can't offer you any solid advice, but I can offer you my opinion. It's free, so consider it worth what you're paying for it...

Personally, I think you're giving OM too much power and influence in the decision-making process that should be between you and your WW.

Yes, it could be helpful to have him tell WW that they're through, but you've already given him time to set the stage for any gaslighting the two of them might want to try. What's to say he hasn't now contacted WW and told her, "Hey, your H is going to be here and is going to hear me say it's all over. Then, his suspicions will be assuaged and we can take this further underground and not have to worry about being suspected."

Call it my paranoid side coming through.

My understanding of the "MB way" is that the decision to break it off and go No Contact is a joint agreement between H and W, and that together they write the letter of No Contact to OM. It seems to me you're going about this backwards.

That said, I truly hope OM is sincere and it's over between the two of them and that you can start recovering your marriage. However, my trust level for anyone that would cheat with another person's spouse is slim and none. And Slim is walking out the door...

I have access to every account WW has (email,facebook, work email, cell phone record) the only thing I don't have access to is her internship phone. I am planing on putting the key logger back on tonight while she is at work.

I do think OM has been exposed to his family and that he doesn't want to be involved anymore.

Thank you for the quick replies Bliss and Fred.

I understand I am taking a huge risk here. I think he is being sincere.

OM does not know I am meeting him I am just showing up at his work to surprise him.