My stitch is similar to some that I have read in this forum but with a couple unique differences. My W and I are both in our second marriages. We have no kids together but she has 2 S-17, D-14 and I have 2 S-16, D-13 from previous marriages. Her kids live with us full time, mine part time. For the most part we were one big happy family. Our kids love each other as if they were truly siblings, my kids love her and her kids love me. As her S said once, we are the only family he has known since we have been married 8 years.

My wife has always been one to enjoy life and party. That was one of the things that attracted her to me. She has hinted on occasion that I am somewhat boring. She is very attractive and constantly gets the attention of other men. I have been standing beside her in a bar and watch men hand her their number. She has insecurities I guess and no matter how beautiful I say she is or how much I tell her I love her, she is constantly looking for attention.

During our 8 years of marriage, her mother has passed away, she has lost her job and her brother has been through re-hab and is separated from his wife who just happens to be my W's best friend. She has issues with depression and handles her emotions poorly to say the least (she didn't even cry at her mother's funeral). So while I am stuck living life, taking care of the bills, cooking, cleaning, helping her emotionally and mentally when I could, she took frequent trips to this fantasy land where guys hit on her and give her numbers and she played the hurt person and went on outside of life.

So now to the actual point. She has in the past had guys that call her and text her and to her it was all harmless fun. Once the guys found out that she was not going to sleep with them, they gave up. She has always been attracted to the bad boys (which I am not). She convinced me two years ago to buy a Harley so we could expand our friends and have fun riding. I admit that I have had bikes before and do love to ride so I jumped right in. We met new friends, some good guys and some not so good. She tended to gravitate to the bad ones (drug dealers, fighters and the such). So out of the blue, I get the "there is no spark between us anymore" line. I found out in December that she has the hots for one of the bad boys. She has now told me that she wants a divorce becuase she is in love with this guy and wants to be with him. She is not in any hurry since she has no job, is in school, I make good money, pay all the bills (including her kids) and have all the health insurance (including the kids). She has flaunted this A with the OM in front of everyone we know. So I am at a loss. It is unique because the OM is single and could care less who knows or who I tell and practically everyone else knows about it. Who is left to expose to? Guess I really am stuck on it. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated and sorry for the long post.

My situation is similar to yours in that my wife had an affair with a single bad boy and wanted to start a new life with him because I am definitely not a bad boy.

I still exposed. I exposed to his mom, his siblings, his boss, and his ex wife. The ex wife was a gold mine of information that really made my wife think hard about who she was getting involved with. I think it helped shake her out of her fog a bit.

RK,

I sense you own eveything, if so move your wifes stuff to OM apartment, including her kids. Her blatant disrespect to you needs to be returned, do not endure this sham any longer. Cut off all financial support, that shoudl be going to YOUR children.

NJ

Expose anyway. Expose to all of the kids. Find out who OM's parents are, if you can, and expose to them. Expose to WW's siblings and parents.

How do they conduct their affair? Cellphone? Email? If you are paying her cellphone bill or for internet, cancel her phone and change her password on the computer. Password protect the kids' accounts and the administrator account so she can't create new ones. Tell her that you will not condone, finance, or support her affair. I'd even sell her car if you can. She doesn't need one since she's not currently working. She can hitch a ride to school or better yet you or one of the kids can take her and pick her up.

You hold ALL the cards here. Play hardball. Women respond to that. Yeah, she'll be furious. But she'll notice and she'll respect you.

Wow, lovebust much? Read up on them. They will kill a marriage in no time.

She sounds, well, frankly, sadistic and very messed up. I will never undertand this attraction to "bad boys". Funny that they are so "bad". I think most would get their asses handed to them by a lot of regular guys.
Tough to know what to do. Have your kids been informed? They might help get her head out of he azz.

Yeah the exposure is going to be tough. I only know the OM through mutual friends. My WW has only known him 6 months or so. I know that he is older probably early 50's. I have heard that his parents left him money which makes me believe they are deceased. He owns a home and a lake house and he and his brother have their own business. So on his side, I don't see many places to go. Oh and the way he suckered her in was a sob story about the love of his life dying unexpectedly. I have found out that his girlfriend did indeed die unexpectedly but they had been together 14 years, never married, and he cheated on her constantly. Love of his life, huh?

Can't do that just yet. I have met with an attorney. I hold most of the cards for sure but some of the laws here a funny. Believe me, unless something changes, the day will come and it will be ugly.

Expose to the kids.
Expose to her parents and siblings.

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

I must admit, I kinda love it when they get furious.

I would love to expose but the list is not that long. My WW's mother and father were divorced years ago. Her mother has since passed away tragically I might add. Her father is in another state and we hear from him a couple times a year. Her siblings have train wrecks for lives. It seems the entire family fell apart when her mother passed away.

The only communication they have is cell phone and texting as far as I can tell. Pretty much on a regular basis. Unfortunately that account is in her name even though I pay the bills. I am sure they see each other at least a couple times a week. Her car is the only real asset that is only in her name. The house is jointly owned.

Tell us how you and WW met.

Expose the affair to the kids.

Then cut off financial support so your WW can't carry on the affair.

Get your WW and her kids to move out. If WW won't leave then see if you can get her parents to take them. Tell them you need this favor because it is to painful for you now because WW is sleeping with the OM. Once WW leaves then change the locks.

Then do a plan B.

Last go see a lawyer and file for divorce. If your not ready to D yet tell your lawyer you want to scare WW off of the fence so file but then drag his feet.

This should break up her affair.

Her kids will applying pressure on there mom to go back home.
The OM will most likely dump her when he is faced with haing to provide for her and her kids.

Normally people are advised to do a plan A first. But being that their is no one else to put pressure on the OM it is best for you to turn the pressure up on your own.

Yeah, admittedly I am a peacemaker and not a bad boy. But what's so funny is that my WW and I have tons of friends. The bad boy has just a small few. All of our friends are done with my WW because of how she flaunted her A right in front of them all. All of them to the last one want me to dump her and move on. She now has two or three friends at best and only because those few have zero morals and condone what she is doing.

So not only is it uncomfortable here at home, but if we ever do go out together it is very icy around our friends. It's just a freaking disaster.

We met at work. She was separated and I was going through one myself. Probably not a great way to start a relationship. What is so funny is when we met, she talked about her first husband and she described him as a bad boy type. Not really tough but uncaring, never around, put himself first, everything that was the opposite of me. That's why I figured I would be exactly what she needed forever.

I guess you can never take the bad boy desire out of the bad girl.

I do plan on telling the kids. I just have to make sure I have everything ready. She is very close to her S. So that will hit home.

She is cruising down the path to self destruction. This will bite her behind, big time, at some point. But, she is too messed up to see it.
Do you wamt a marriage to her. If so, try the kids exposure deal and cut off the $$ asap. Best sign you are having an effect is if she goes ballistic.

Oh and I forgot to mention, when she originally gave me the No Spark speech, she wanted us to have an open marriage. In other words, still live together, still have sex, no one knows we are in trouble but in three years when she is done with school, she is out. I, of course, called her insane.

Now that the A is out, we no longer have sex, we rarely talk, and life here at home is unbearable to say the least. I mentioned that to her this very morning and she says we do need to talk. My guess is she will try to find a way out but still have me supporting her. Like I said, insane.

From the sounds of it, she does not place that great a significance on sex, in that she is willing to simply use it as a pleasurable bodily function with you and whoever else she is attracted to.
I guess that is okay for some folks and they can do the open marriage thing. But, it sounds like you do hold the act as somehwat sacred.
If this is the case, she has fundamentally different values which may be hard to live with.

Now that is the million dollar question. Do I want a marriage with her. I have put up with her chasing men for 5 or 6 years I know. Not that I believe she slept with any of them but the chase is a powerful aphrodisiac. sp? But for some strange reason, I am attracted to her like a moth to a flame.

Her big complaints with me are:
1) I made her the center of my universe when we got married
2) I do not give her space to party with her friends.

My responses are of course you are the center of my universe becuase I love you and you are my wife. It's not that I wouldn't give her space, I just truly enjoyed be with her. And of course, when I did start giving her the space she needed, how did it end up? Her having A.

I believe you are correct. I am not so sure that sex with this OM is a driving force but simply something she would have to do to keep the A going. Honestly, maybe they were meant to be. I know that me and her are about as opposite as two people get. It still hurts to see it ending.

"I do plan on telling the kids. I just have to make sure I have everything ready."

There is nothing to make ready. The truth is the truth. Kids can handle and want the truth.

Cut of WW money. She is only hanging on to use you.

Don't you see this.

WW is a fence sitter. Time to finish exposure then have a lawyer serve her for divorce.

If you don't man up WW will have you pay for her life while she bangs the OM.

Believe me when WW tells the OM she wants to move in with her own kids the OM will drop here like a hot potato.

You know, before all this research and talking to folks, I would not have reached this conclusion. But, with your wife's need for external validation and her active participation in flirting all these years, I bet you a year's salary that she has cheated on you before.
Now, I know we can not ever really know this for certain, unless she confesses or takes a polygraph, which she will never do. But, she really has issues.
I knowyour relationship started while both of you were still married, so that is a clue. I bet if you talked to her prior H, he would tell you she had cheated on him even before you came along. He may not like you, though.