So you were both married to other people when you got together. Why do you think it is wrong for her to be with someone else now while married to you?

Well, I do have a couple details yet to work out. The state I live in is one of the few left with an Alienation of Affection law which means I could possibly sue the living crap out of the OM if I can prove that he had influenced the demise of our marriage.

So before I start making her think that I am going to stand up to her, I need to make sure I have that one in my back pocket.

I really have no answer to that. I knew my marriage was over. She had told me hers was too. We started out being best friends helping each other through tough times. Affairs are wrong and we each have to live with our regrets.

So this morning I tell her things can't keep on like this. She says we need to talk. I assume that means she will be trying to figure a way out. But she keeps talking about how she will make it, not how they will make it. Is it normal for her to leave on her own without the OM's help and then go to him later?

Folks, I know I am far from perfect, but still need any advice I can get.

Who have you exposed to? How did it go?

Did you tell her you�re not going to be paying for the cellphone any longer?

Go back and read this thread from the beginning. You�ve gotten tons of good advice. Read it, and reply to it.

Read up on ENs and meet hers.
Read up on LBs and eliminate them.

Talk to us about what her top ENs are and what you�re doing to meet them. Tell us why you think they�re her top ENs.

Talk to us about your LBs and how you�re dealing with them so we can encourage you.

Sorry, I know I sound desparate but then who doesn't in this sitch?

I haven't exposed yet because I am waiting on some info from a PI. Sounds stupid I know but I do want to cover all bases before I drive her undercover. The cell phone account has her phone, her son's phone, her daughter's phone, my son's phone, and my daughter's phone all together. She is the owner of the account so I can't cancel a line. I am not real sure how to handle that.

I have read and through long and hard about ENs. The only two that even seem plausible is Conversation and Recreation. The reason I say that is when we first met, we became best friends. We talked hours on end about everything. My W is a health nut and then we both ran. A lot of our conversations were during a 45 to 50 minute runs together.

Now life has made it so we don't have the time to talk like we used to. Most conversation is limited to issues with kids or idle chit chat. When she started complaining about needing time to herself, I stopped working out with her to let that be her time.

I have tried the last couple days to get more into her thoughts and engage in more conversation but at this stage she is really not into talking with me. I know if I told her I wanted to start working out again with her she would have a fit.

As for my LB's, the only thing I know that I have done is allow her to always be in charge. I have always tried to let her have her way but am now seeing that maybe I should have put my foot down more. She sees me as weak and boring. OM is an a$$ from what I can tell but I guess that is what she needs.

You're smart to wait for the PI info. That could give you rock solid evidence she can't deny.

Your W sounds like a broken woman with many psych problems. Her constant need for attention from men tells me she was likely the victim of some sort of childhood abuse.

You are at fault for not having boundaries or setting them. Friends of the opposite sex in a marriage are a recipe for trouble. You brought some of this into your home by tolerating this behavior.

But that's neither here nor there.

From what you've said, I wouldn't want this woman in my life. She'll likely break your heart again and the truth is at that there are many good women out there that would make a much better wife for you.

If you D, then be alone and without a wife till your kids are out of your house.

Her kids will put much pressure on her and are likely to not be too friendly to new men in their lives.

Exposure is your friend. I gather from your posts that you won't be a weepy and whiny and foggy BH but a man who will keep his testicles through this process. Follow the advice on this board. It works like a charm. Read some of the other threads if you don't believe me.

Best of luck.

Help,
You are very perceptive. Her mother and father divorced while she was young. Her mother had a string of boyfriends. One in particular that I am sure was abusive. She does not talk about him much but has said a few things that led me to believe her life at that time was not all that good.

Perhaps that also explains why I am the way I am. I kept thinking that I could show her by my actions how love should really be. I put up with a lot but kept thinking to myself that one day she would see the light.

It is almost comical but I guess if I read this thread and it belonged to someone else, I wouldn't want the woman either. And even funnier is I know a dozen or so single women right now that know we are in trouble and think she is an idiot. But believe me, the last thing on my mind right now is a woman. I do wish I could somehow magically fix the one I have since I do love her even with her faults.

I think she is trying to stall until her kids are out of the house. I think she cherishes the single care free life. This OM will most likely not last and she may even know it but not sure since they say they love each other and have a plan.

After 5 or 6 years of this, the tears are all gone. No matter what happens, I will either lose a W or lose all my friends who think I am being weak by not kicking her out of the house. Not a fun spot to be in especially when you have no control on where the spot is in your life.

Road King

So the shock of what has happened probably has your reeling right now. You want to fix it but you are not the one in control or making the decisions. The best you can hope for is to follow the advice you have been given here. Take a deep breath. You sound like you are starting to panic, and that is understandable as your life has been attacked, you want results, and it seems all the outcomes you can see are not pleasant.

I will suggest you look at some of the characteristics of a person with a personality disorder. Zelmo usually points that out as he had to endure a horrific time at the hands of his wife. The MB principles will be very difficult to have an effect on a person with a personality disorder, same as Dr. Harley tells people the principles will not work if the person is dealing with an addiction. MB principles work with people who are relatively normal (so to speak, if you can classify someone who is involved in an affair normal).

From what you have described here there seems to be more at play with your wife than the affair.


Depending what happened in her home could have a dramatic impact on what is happening today.

Not if you are dealing with an addiction or personality disorder. With a personality disorder you do not matter except for what you can supply to make her feel better. Your feelings are not even on her radar screen. It is bad enough for the wayward spouse in the fog, but it sounds to me like she has not cared about how you feel for a long time.

Right now it does not matter what your friends think. Your true friends will understand. I sense you are beating yourself up because you have not "fixed" the situation yet. You are doing what you can do. You are in shock, pain, your life is turned upside down. You are trying to take into account the others involved and the impacts on the kids. There is no perfect solution. You just need to resolve to work your way through this.

Post here. Vent your frustrations here. You will be hard pressed to find a better bunch of folks who have experienced what you are going through right now. I had to post here regularly, I could see other peoples situation clearly but when it came to my own I was confused, and the good folks here helped me get through. And you will too. It takes time.

Blessings
BCBoy

Thanks BC,

I do know that it will be tough. I know that I have put up with a lot over the last few years. I know she has deep rooted issues. She truly lives for the next rush be it a party, a chase by some guy, or a major event. Day to day life to her seems unpleasant.

I guess I just have a hard time admitting that I may have wasted 8 years waiting and trying to help her get fixed. I mentioned in my original post that her Mother passed away 3 years ago. I didn't say that her Mother died from ALS. It was the worse thing that I have ever seen in my life. Her Mother was a wonderful woman. As full of life as any person I had ever met. She new that my W, her D, was not a stable person but her Mother loved me since I seemed to be the one who could tolerate the moods, the playing. I was a stable force in her D's unstable world. Don't get me wrong, my MIL was a very strong woman. She was the glue that held it all together for my W's family.

The night before my MIL passed away, my W and I went over to see her. We did not know she would be gone the next day but we knew it was close. By this time she could only move her eyes. So my MIL looks at me and then back at my W and then back at me. I knew exactly what she wanted. I took her hand and told her not to worry about my W. As long as I was alive, her D would be fine. My MIL blinked the tears out of her eyes as if that was one less thing she had to carry to her grave.

So how do you give up on a crazy woman after you make a promise like that? So I may not sound stable and I know people wonder why I want to stay, but I do love this woman and it would kill me worse to see something tragic happen to her.

I am sorry to tell you this but if you are in an affairage your support is going to be less than other's whose marriages started off the right way...the pain you are feeling now is the same pain both your exW and your WW's exH felt. Have you made amends to them?

All people involved in an affair demonize their spouse...they have to in order to justify the A in their own minds.

LYING about how awful the BS is is par for the course in an A.

Married,

I understand what you are saying. I was not the cause of my W's separation from her first H. I did know her through work but we only became friends after she had moved out and bought a house. She dated other men for almost a year before we started getting close. My first marriage was similar. I left becuase I could not tolerate my wife's incessant complaining and pushing me to be someone that I could not be.

Was it right for me to become friends and eventually date a separated woman? Maybe not, but then again I was dumb and lonely. And for the record, yes I have apologized to my former W for the hurt I caused her. And I have lived with many regrets. She is now re-married to a preacher (which is what she wanted me to be) and is as happy as I have ever seen her. As for my W, I do not know if she ever made it right, but I doubt it. Her former H despises me since I am the one that ended up with his XW. It's like I stole his car or something.

So maybe my marriage didn't start "the right way" but then again, as I said, I know I am not perfect. Just hurting along with everyone else on this board.

RK,

Many on this board will say that you married a cheater and are getting exactly what you asked for.

That being said, I won't kick you when you're down.

What I will say is that your WW is a broken woman that has massive issues which will not go away on their own. She has obvious abuse issues (likely linked to childhood sexual abuse) which have had a very deep impact on her psyche and her need for attention from men.

This won't go away quickly, easily, or without professional help.

My experience and my research on women like her is that they will not change unless they become aware of the impact that this abuse had on them and they accept that they need help.

My advice: Let her go. She needs to crash on her own and get help.

Life is too short to try and be a rescuer. You married a cheater. Her pattern of behavior is that this is never going to change.

Save yourself future heartache and eliminate this emotional cancer from your life or you will end up in an early grave from the heart damage. Trust me, I speak from personal experience. I've been battling out of control blood pressure that started with my mess. It's getting under control now, but it has already started to enlarge my heart.

This will literally kill you. Check your BP and you can see for yourself. I'm willing to bet money you're over 140/90. Doesn't your heart feel like it's going to literally explode?

Don't pay it, that solves the phone problem.

If you don't want a D, your true friends will understand.



That said, having read your entire thread, if I where you (And no one here has ever heard me say this) I would divorce her, and I recommend you do to.

I say this, because it sounds like she has always been this way. And if she has always displayed these personality traits, she is unlikely to change.

Never finance a WW's affair. Yes don't pay the phone.

What many on here will also say is that it is inappropriate and insensitive for you to seek help here on Marriage Builders with your affair marriage, when there are people here seeking help from affairs like yours, that ripped their families apart.

RK,

Don't let folks detract you from posting. Even SH himself tries to save affairages.

No, no one here likes them and they are rightfully condemned, but conisering that SH himself tries to save these marriages, then I won't kick someone while they're down for seeking help.

htld,

"SH himself" is not a BS. He is not on this board seeking help with dealing with an affair. He is a professional, and as such gives professional help to anyone willing to pay. It would not be insensitive nor inappropriate to go to him for him.

It IS insensitive and inappropriate to seek help from people whose marriages were destroyed by actions such as RoadKing took.

Would you be happy if your WW (I am not sure if she is still this, and whether you are still married) came here for help with her affairage while you were posting here? Would you see people reprimanding her as kicking her while she is down?