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Joined: Jan 2010
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The OM is a recent friend of a friend. Yes the W knows but unfortunately that's of no help as she was complicit to the A. She's a lesbian and they remain married out of convenience. In effect, it was a way of dumping her own H without the guilt, by hoping he 'found' someone else. And how do you know she knows and was complicit in the affair? How do you know all this? Snooping
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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The OM is a recent friend of a friend. Yes the W knows but unfortunately that's of no help as she was complicit to the A. She's a lesbian and they remain married out of convenience. In effect, it was a way of dumping her own H without the guilt, by hoping he 'found' someone else. And how do you know she knows and was complicit in the affair? How do you know all this? Snooping what does that mean?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 810
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Melody gave you the carrot and stick of Plan A.
Basically
1. Make the marriage and home a good place.
2. Make the affair a painful and bad place.
3. Make the marriage difficult to leave
Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Reading journal entries....She actually asked my W if she would be interested in him as he had a crush on her.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Junior Member
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Melody gave you the carrot and stick of Plan A.
Basically
1. Make the marriage and home a good place.
2. Make the affair a painful and bad place.
3. Make the marriage difficult to leave I understand that and did that for 6 weeks. When I learned of broken NC on 1/5 is when it appears I prematurely moved to plan B and that was a mistake I recognize now.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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WCOM, have you exposed the affair? Wide spread exposure is a very effective tactic in killing an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Yes...even our older child knows.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Yes...even our older child knows. Who has been told what exactly? What was your child told?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
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He overheard us talking one evening. Since there was only one physical encounter (yes, I know, likely more), the conversation that was overheard was dealing more with the EA and for now that's all he knows. I'm not sure it would be prudent to expose to him that his mom slept with another man. He's already pissed enough at just the EA. The MC counseled us not to tell him anymore either, but it appears our MC may not be productive either.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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He overheard us talking one evening. Since there was only one physical encounter (yes, I know, likely more), the conversation that was overheard was dealing more with the EA and for now that's all he knows. I'm not sure it would be prudent to expose to him that his mom slept with another man. He's already pissed enough at just the EA. The MC counseled us not to tell him anymore either, but it appears our MC may not be productive either. WCOM, your most powerful weapon against the affair is exposure. Everyone should be told that she is sleeping with this man. Her parents, your parents, close friends, pastor, the OM's family, your children. I think you should also contact the OM's wife and have a discussion with her too. Children should not be lied to in order to whitewash the crimes of a parent. That just teaches them to be dishonest themselves. Here is what Dr Harley says about exposure: "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." entire article here And here are his words about exposure to children: "The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
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All that's happened except for full disclosure to the children and the conversation with OM's W. Considering her and my W are/were friends (NC has been with her too), I doubt that would be fruitful.
I'm thinking it might be helpful to dump our MC and start phone counseling with Dr. Harley. Neither one of us (my W or I) have been crazy about our counselor.
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