Hello Everyone, this is my first post here,

Let me start off b saying, I found this site about a month ago, at that time, I told my wife about it, so we are both registered on this forum, and I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing but alas I have no idea what is left for me to do.

My Long Story, I am not familiar with all the abbreviations so I will post as best I can.

My wife and I are both 39 years old, we met in 1994, she had a boy aged 4 (now 20)at the time, she had never married his farther, in 1995 we decided to have our first child as age gap from our son was growing and we did not want that, in 1995 we got married and she gave birth to my daughter (now 14), everything outside of our financial situations was good, in 2000 we had our second girl (now 9), and still the finance side was our only major problem that I was aware of at the time.

In 2003, I to this day do not know why, but lost the plot of our marriage totally, I had a ONS (No SEX) while I was out of the country, later the same year I went on a trip out of town with a co-worker, this was the start of a PA (No SEX), it took me about two months to figure out what I was going to lose if I let this carry on, I knew I loved my Wife and ended the A, I have had NC since that day, the OW left the company, and also went on to destroy another marriage I found out a year or so later. I had never told my wife about the PA or the ONS, hindsight is a [censored].

Now onto my Wife, in 2005 I found proof she was having both a EA and PA (No SEX that I was promised by her) with two different guys, I confronted her, exposed to my folks and also gave an ultimatum to the EA OM as he was the only one of the two I knew, sadly he is my sisters fianc�, in no words other than I told him I would K him if he hurt my sister. My W and I with the help of my folks got threw this, I never knew the things I know today from reading more than I have ever in my life about this thanks to MB site.

I know we did lots of things wrong and I for one never figured out the EN thing and that ultimately I believe lead to her in 2009 ending up in another PA, for almost a year, first minor D-Day for this A was early 2009 I knew the OM, not directly but knew him from an online game we played, we meat him once at a get together with a bunch of friends from this online game and it was at this occasion that my Wife did not admit to nor did I think anything in the lines of a PA, just there was physical contact on that day with the OM that was very inappropriate, she at first denied it till I told her I video taped it on my mobile phone, we did talk about it, I did everything wrong I believe, did not do anything that this site has spoken about the Plan A at the time and ultimately that lead to her being able to carry on with the PA without me even thinking of it or even having know anything about trying to restore her LB, or addressing any of her EN, I did make changes to our lives the online game was a big influence and place for her to be able to indulge in this PA with the OM, this was just one of the mediums they used to make contact, and ultimately the only medium I could install a form of a key logger (I am in IT) that ultimately provided the final proof I hoped I would never find about her PA, the D-Day was 3rd Dec 2009, since then we have done lots of talking, she opened up to me and gave me more details about the PA.

At that time I had told her some truths about my PA of 2003 but nothing of the ONS I had had in 2003, yesterday I sent her an email with a tell all, and ask all about my ONS and my PA, things I had till yesterday lied about, this was very very hard for me and I am sure even worse for her as she has live the last month or so with her guild and to some degree of truth my PA.

Now I come to my request for help or advice.

Can this mess of a M be saved, I am not sure if she wants to try anymore, I know I love her, and will do whatever it takes to start us over.

I know today is a very bad day for her, I feel I ended her world yesterday, like she did mine, but I also add to that am not sure where she is with the A, I was still under the impression she was in Withdrawal, and now I have gone and added wood to the fire, I know I could not start to fix us with lies, but was my timing bad, today she is not sure if she has anything left in her to fight for us.

I know time is something we need, I know I love her and have patients, but how do I keep hope going that she might one day feel the same, or still want us, have I driven her back to the OM, we have not filled out the EN yet, we both have a copy printed, but not sure when this needs to be used, will it still help or does she still want to try

Sorry for the very long Post, I am hurting, and need some help please.

Both of you need to get the truth out. First step in rebuilding trust.

NC letter must be sent to OM.

You both have to lie transparent to verify NC and no new affairs going on. So access to passwords to computer, emails, cell phones, etc.

Also does your WW post here, what name?

TheRoad,

She has not posted, I am not sure if she is ready for me to tell her forum name, I know she has read this post, am sure of it, so I will ask her.

I am aware of this and that is what I decided to do yesterday, I offered her the full truth, I pray she is also at the same truth point, I knew it was going to possibly kill what was starting to look like a road going somewhere at least, and I know I had no choice if I wanted to make this M go in the right direction, we have not spoken since yesterday, we have send a few TM but no verbal contact as such up till now, as for the NC, I did mention I am not sure where she is with this PA, she knows what a NC letter is, we have spoken about it, I have not insisted on it either, I want her to find where she is with the PA, and I have no idea what more to do, with this new hole in our road, not sure she cares right now either.

Has she ended the affair?

She gave me her word that she has, we have not done the NC letter, I have no way to ensure she keeps the NC promiss, right now after what I revealed to her yesterday, not sure she cares, I do wonder about the NC as I am not sure what phase of the A she is in.

Do I push for the NC letter, as I gave her a big bomb yesterday do I wait, not sure what to do right now. Today I am sure she does not care, she is hurting right now.

Bouyant, yes, I would ask her to send the NC letter as described in Surviving an Affair. Additionally, if the OM is married, his wife should be notified of the affair so she can protect herself. I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there.

Here is an overview from Requirements for Recovery:

continued here


another good link: How to Survive Infidelity

here



[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Do I ask her to do this even if right now she does not know what she want's, my brutal honesty was a killer to what had started to look like it was on the right track or should I give her some time to be sure she still wants our M

Thank you for the links, I will go read them again, I have read tons of stuff on MB, just lots to take in, and understand fully.

Bouyant, yes I would ask her to send the letter. Even if she doesn't want to work on the marriage, it would be the right thing to do to end her affair.

Is the OM married? If so, does his wife know what they have done to her?

MelodyLane, no the OM is not married, he is about 10 years our junior, most of thier A has been from what she has told me in the virtual world of the internet, and the online game we all played together, He does not live is the same area as us but tbh is just an hour flight away, I will ask my wife if she is wiling to do the NC letter, she has access to this forum and knows about my post here.

Have any relevant spouses been notified of your affair(s)? It almost sounds like recovery has to go both ways since adultery was involved on both sides.

Lurioosi2, My folks and my DS now about my A's, as for my WW A's, she only has her mother left, not sure how much her mother know as she lives with us and see what is going on atm, I have not spoken with her mother directly about this. our oldest two kids know about her A's also, I did not say anything to the youngest. Her Brother know about her A's and I am not sure if she has said anything to him about mine, our only what I can say real mutual friend knows about her and my A's

I have been an addict to an online game for the past 5 years called World Or Warcraft (yes almost 40 and I played online games) this I think is one of the root cuases for us being at the point we are at in alot more ways than one, I have ended my addiction to this game.

In addition to luroosi's question, was your sister notified about your wife's affair with her fiance so she can protect herself?

Bouyant, luroosi's question is about the SPOUSES of all these affair partners. Have they been told? Has your sister been told what your wife has done to her?

MelodyLane, yes my sister was told.

Sorry to clear up, the only spouse any of our A's had that I know of was one in the EA my WW had with my Sisters Fiance in 2005, and she knows about it.

How does one keep thier hope alive when they see no light at the end on the tunnel.

Everything now is about what I did, this I am fine with me, as I deserve every bit of it, I have been truthfull about everything to my own death, maybe to late, anyhow, Thank you All for the advice so far, we still have not spoken about anything, not to metion the NC, or total transparency, she has not offered any access to any of the communication tools they used, this futher makes it hard for me to believe she has NC, she has no idea what she wants right now, and I do not blame her at this point.

Anyone have experiance with both Spouses having had multiple A's and have gotten to the R phase of thier M, please give me some insight, what am I doing wrong, should I give this more time, the wounds for both of us are very fresh, still bleeding imo.

Hello All,

My WW yesterday asked me if I would mind her going away on her own for a few days, to try get her head sorted out, I gave her a long email, saying that I felt this would be a very bad thing for us at this time to spend a night appart, I have so many fears, I told her I could not stop her, but explained that I did not want her to go, today she tells me she is going to go stay with her sister in another town about an hour flight away, how do I handle this, is it normal, do I not allow myself to get angry about it, I know we are only a few weeks out from D-Day and her hurt it seems is much more than mine.

I don't know how you all keep hope alive, I am almost at the end of my string.

Yes, you cannot tell her what to do. You can only control yourself.

Chances are excellent that she is going off to do the OM. This is not a good thing. At her age, it is very flattering for a younger guy to want her, if only for sex. This is the same thing for guys, and you know what I mean.

BTW, PA means to do the deed (sex). EA means to be emotionally involved without the sex.

I assume that you have read about Plan A. I assume you want to salvage the marriage. Unless you want to salvage the marriage, you will not credibly act in such a way as to promote the emotions in your wife that are generated by Plan A.

Larry