My husband told me the other night that he had been telling the OW that he loved her- up until he got caught a month ago having a 3 year affair with this woman. He tells me now that he doesn't really love her- just said it. I need to know if the OW feels that she and my husband are in love. Her marriage is over, she has no interest in repairing it. My husband has told her that he wants to try to fix things with me. I feel as though she is waiting to find out what happens to us and she is just waiting in the wings. I have not decided if I'm going to continue to work on the marriage or divorce. I need to know if she thinks they are in love... Is this foolish?

Anyone else confronted their OW? What other questions would you ask the OW? Not looking for screaming matches, name calling, or to make a scene. She is willing to meet me for coffee this week....

She has a vested interest in seeing your marriage destroyed.

Do you really want to give her access to your perceptions of what is and isn't going on?

I would stay very far away from her. Like a politician, she's going to spin her story to get YOU to believe what she needs you to believe for her to stay in power with your husband.

I totally agree with KA.....don't give this woman any inkling of your marital status. Focus your efforts on recovering yourself and, if you choose, recovering your marriage.

From my experience, being in contact with OW created my own deceiving BS fog. It also gave OW the opportunity to continue living her fantasy with WH vicariously through her contact with me (mostly emails but a couple phone calls, too.) She lives across the country so neither of us met her or her OWH in person.

Don't contact OW. Your marriage seems to be far from over.
Strive to minimize OW into a nothing in your life. NC for life not only involves your H but YOU, too.

If he hasn't yet, your H should write an NC letter that you approve of and personally mail. The first NC email we sent was useless because OW thought I wrote/sent it. The second one was hand written by my WH (his idea) and I sent it with a return receipt that had to be signed for (and a copy of Dr. Harley's His Needs, Her Needs and Carder's Torn Asunder). They say you can't educate a wayward but I gave it my darnest effort before telling her to 'have a nice life.'

Did you expose to her H? How do you know her M is over....did you check county records to verify this? Waywards lie. period. She may not actually be divorced so don't take her word for it.

Best wishes in your efforts,
Ace

I am all for confronting an OP during an active affair to let them know you will be fighting for the M but in terms of information/fact finding, I don't think you'll get very far.

I have had experience confronting 3 OW...my H's first OW by text messages, my H's second OW by phone...and my sisters and I confronted my sister's OW in person.

All three of the OW were liars/gaslighters. In addition, they were cold and unremorseful. HTH

The affair has to become too costly for her to consider it to continue.

She either has to be made to feel like she is nothing more than a worthless piece of snatch to your husband or she needs to think you are going to burn her house down in her sleep.

Ahha! we all love Pariah's sense of sarcasm, that has nothing to do with taking real actions, here.

This woman is an outsider to your M. She has nothing to do with you or your H's relationship. Really, basically she could have been any female, so why base your life descisions based on what she says?

You have to disregaurd her and her opinions, wants, desires, wishes or needs. Who gives a rat's rear?

Treat her like the turd she is-- flush her.

That question means nothing. "In love" is an emotion that is perceived when you allow someone to fill your emotional needs. I am quite sure your H was filling her top EN's, and she will be in withdrawal for him for some time. Continued contact by either you or your H will keep these "in love" feelings in the forefront. You already know what her answer will be, and it means nothing anyway. NC means NC for either of you.

DONT DO IT!

This low life scum has intruded into your life enough already! Don't give her any more space in it.

I agree - it is not about this particular OW. She could have been anyone. There are many like her.

Don't torment yourself with what she may or may not say, her voice, her remorse/coldness/indifference. Bottom line - she was never concerned with you or she never would have acted as she did. Why would she be concerned enough now to give you an honest answer?

I have struggled with wanting to contact the OW in my own situation. I would love to either: let her have it, try and induce guilt for what she has put my children through, shame her with the nude photos I have of her, ask her why, tell her to stay away, etc... What I keep coming back to is this: Don't give her any more of my life. She has taken enough and is not worth my time. A woman who would do this to another woman or another woman's children is not worth my time.

You will not be able to depend on what she has to say.

You can depend that she will say things whether true or not to get you to dump your WH.

Talking to the OP is like peeing against the wind. The wind doesn't care anything about you, and you end up all wet and pi$$ed.

Nice analogy, Dealan-de......Uh, I think.

I agree with the other posters, talking to the XOW is not a good idea. She had s*x with your DH and did things to him that only you should be doing and she didn't give a rat's booty about you while she was doing. As a matter of fact, she wanted to steal your DH from you so she pulled out all of her wh*re tactics to keep him coming back for more. I did talk to the XOW in our case. I told her what a low life sl*t she was and I told her that she is pitiful, disgusting and a dirty skank. I felt much better. I think a person like her doesn't even know how to be honest and truthful. She sees you as the only thing in her way from getting what she wants (your H). Stay away for the skank and work on your M.

Learned it the hard way.

You trust OW ... why, exactly?

>She is willing to meet me for coffee this week....

Of course she is. She will mix lies with truth...JUST LIKE HE DID. You know why? Because SHE IS A FEMALE VERSION OF HIM RIGHT NOW.

Gah. She knew he was married and didn't care enough to stop. Why do you think anything she would say or do would be honorable now?

Have nothing to do with this woman. There is nothing good or helpful for you that will come out of this meeting.

IMstrong, the feelings of the OW are completely irrelevant and don't matter. What matters are YOUR FEELINGS. The only thing the OW needs to know is that hell is coming if she doesn't stay away.

Has your H ended his affair? Will he send this skankho a no contact letter as outlined in Surviving an Affair?

A friend gave me the best advice:

The affair is not about her. In. the. least. It's about you and your husband. She is a piece of lint in the carpet of life.

.

Let her stew...you owe her nothing.


I don't have issue with a BS confronting OP but not for the reasons you are looking for. Consider the source. The OP is delusional and more than likely is going to stick it to you to get back at WH or to try an make you dump WH...or will try to relieve her guilt at your expense and play victim. If she says, they are in love what difference does that make? If she tells you no they were in it for the thrill, what difference does that make?

I contacted OW for the sole purpose of telling her what a POS she was. You can do that without name calling and screaming. The only questions I ever asked were rhetorical. OW tried to convince me that I had it all wrong ...that she didn't want my H like her BH had told me. My response: Oh...so you are a s#@t instead of a w&^%e? **crickets chirping** More idiotic crap spewed out of her mouth and I didn't even have to say much. The only thing I walked away from the conversation with was that OW was beyond pathetic and was desparate to spin her bull to not look in the mirror and she herself as a nasty tramp who volunteered to be treated as such.

If you are expecting much from OW...don't. And for the record, until D papers are finalized you have no idea if she and her BH will divorce or not. My OW said the exact same thing and then tried to recover the marriage but her BH told her to get lost.