It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I think I have finally been able to put to rest some of my feelings about H's EA back in 2005. I could never reconcile how he could say he loved her, how he could have let this happen, etc. Well, you know the drill...HE didn't let it happen...WE both made the atmosphere that allowed this to happen (and he made the crappy decision..) Here's what I started to write on another thread and realized I should probably just form a new topic since the light bulb lit up!


My H had an EA....all took place over the phone and the internet with an old highschool girlfriend he ran into at a reunion during a particularly low point in our marriage.

I am just coming to realize now, that if our marriage had been healthier, if I had been doing my part to ensure he was and remained feeling in love with me, that nothing would have happened with this old girlfriend. (It's taken me 3 years to realize that!) In fact, she had tried several times before our wedding and over the years, to proposition him outright and he refused. (and yes, she was married at the time..and that says it all for her set of values...)

I remember asking H about his emails/chats that proclaimed his love for her and he said "they are just words on a computer screen and mean nothing. They didn't come from my heart."

For the longest time, I couldn't reconcile this. Now I can.

At the time, I think he did mean them. But I don't think he really meant them FOR HER. She was filling his love bank and I was doing nothing but making withdrawals. He wanted to be in love..WITH ME...but that wasn't going to happen in the toxic atmosphere we had. So he transferred those feelings to her. Yes at the time, he was 'in love'...they had a previous relationship in high school and again about 7 years later (all before me), so it was easy to go back and rekindle that.

Hey OH,

Three years, one year, 2 years and 37 days....Hey, we're all different and we all walk through the process AT OUR OWN PACE.

Trust me, some things have been told to me many times, but it just had to seep through that thick skull of mine in order for me to truly process it and put it into action.

Sounds like you're making some headway in terms of historical evaluation and analysis. Good for you. I am happy for you, and hope for more growth and prosperity as you continue your journey.

TB

And some people never get it...

Congratulations!

Yay Our House!!!!!

Yes, I'm thick!

Now...how (or if?) to tell H that this is what I've come to realize.

OH that is not necessarily true. A spouse can cheat even in a good marriage. It only takes one bad decision to start the A ball rolling and many more to continue it. Maybe there are things that all BSs could have/should have done better but even that is no guarantee our WSs wouldn't have cheated.

ITA with this b_r, the state of the marriage is not always the reason the WS cheats....

OH that is not necessarily true. A spouse can cheat even in a good marriage. It only takes one bad decision to start the A ball rolling and many more to continue it. Maybe there are things that all BSs could have/should have done better but even that is no guarantee our WSs wouldn't have cheated.

I third that opinion. My DH and I have beat our heads against the wall for over a year trying to determine what EN the XOW met for my DH that I wasn't meeting. We went over the EN questionnaire, had MC for many months and everything. My DH could not figure out what he was missing from our M. His top needs were being fulfilled and his greatest need is SF and he nor I never miss a beat on that one. The others are also satisfied. We both agree that we had a great M. I think MB puts a lot of emphasis on the WS having an A because someone else fills the WS love bank but that isn't always the case. This theory is sometimes disheartening for a BS who is doing everything he/she can to fill their spouse's love bank and they still get cheated on. I know it was for me anyway.

OH:

The last three posters have a point. Your marriage could have been wonderful, and your husband may have STILL had his EA.

But you don't feel this way, NOW.

The OW was throwing herself at your H long before he got married and continued after you got married. He broke down and gave in after the marriage started getting bad.

He made a choice. Instead of finding a way to a better marriage, he decided to look up an old "friend".

Your coming to terms with what happened in the past. This is good. Your H appears to be coming around too, this is even better.

Stay with it.

LG

ITA thats sort of the whole MB concept isnt it. Prioritize filling each others love banks pay attention to what fills it up and steer clear of LBs.
I am glad that you are at a healing point where you are ready to move forward and make a healthy marriage for yourself. In the big picture it does not matter WHY the FWS has an A. What really matters after the pain and devastation of the A has subsided is that the BS and the FWS heals(perhaps at different points) and then re-commits to sustaining a new and better marital environment. Kudos to you and wish you happiness and success.

I'm not excusing what he did. We were both in the same situation, but I didn't cheat.

What hurt more than anything for me, were the declarations of love. Granted, they were way more from her side than from his (I read almost everything they'd written, once I hacked into the computer...don't know what was said during hours-long phone calls though). Her sending him poems, claiming they were soul mates, etc. Him saying she 'got' him like no one else. I couldn't figure out how after D-day, he could just tell me that the stuff he told her didn't mean anything, didn't come from his heart, were just words on a computer screen.

For a long time that meant to me that he was either a liar in everything he did and that everything he told me about how he felt about me was a lie as well, or he really did love her, and in my mind, you can't be in love with two people at the same time.

But this is the way I've reconciled it in my mind...it goes with hours of talks post D-day and even more recently. And after reading MB material, understanding the *mechanics* of how love works (because it really is an action more than it is a feeling)...for me, as it relates to him...I really believe that he wanted to love me, but I was very unloveable at the time. So he loved her instead.

OH....your husband had an affair because he had no boundaries.

One of our posters here, who hasn't posted in awhile, brought this up in recovery some time ago. She was concerned about the need meeting being THE reason for affairs, because she felt like she was constantly afraid her attempts wouldn't be enough, ever good enough, always afraid.

What if you're very ill for a long time, and you can't meet needs? Are you going to be ill and be afraid you're husband is going to have an affair? That's not right.

This poster I was referring to talked to Dr. Harley about it. He agreed that needs being unmet can make your marriage suspectible to affairs, but it's the boundaries one has that keeps that from happening. Boundaries need to be around you and your husband to not let anyone meet your needs so an affair doesn't happen again.

It's good that you've learned that needs do need to be met so that you can create a loving relationship, so that one doesn't want to go outside the marriage, but as some others have said, affairs can happen in good relationships too.

Saying it's all about the "needs", pretty much blames the BS for the affair happening, and that isn't so. The blames falls directly to the person allowing their boundaries to be crossed.

I've had ample opportunity to have an affair. I've had hints dropped to me that I don't respond to. My needs are NOT being met. The only thing keeping me from an affair are my boundaries which don't allow me to reciprocate these advances.

If needs were the cause, I would have many affairs in this marriage.