She's not sure...at all. A hurricane has just come through and ripped up a whole lot of your life and her life. Everything is emotion right now. This is the withdrawal period. She is going to say things that hurt you. You need to have the wisdom to look beyond what she is saying. There is no instant remorse, it's going to take a while for her to come around (if she does). If you really want to recover the marriage then stop the divorce talk and if she brings it up, steer the conversation the other way.

You need to show ultimate patience right now. Her brain is mush and she's going to say stupid things, just accept that and don't take anything personally.

IMO, the two things you should be concentrating on right now are:

1. Ensuring NC continues. If there is C, then you will know - she'll be all happy and playful. There can be no recovery without NC.

2. Keep your kids safe and happy. Mom ain't providing squat to the kiddos - you need to fill in. This will just endear them to you even more so that if D does come around, you and they will be prepared.

All the other bases (legal, financial, etc.) are covered right now, correct? If so, then just stick with 1 and 2 above until WW works her way through withdrawal. Stick to it, it's really tough but the payoff, in the end, may be worth it.

Oh yeah, and don't move out (but I think you get that by now).

Pat,

She does not have a choice. If she is fanancially supporting the family she MUST supplement. Even if you got the apartment, she must pay for it. Men are forced to do that all of the time.

If she won't you file. I believe it is true that in Texas there are no legal separations but I think you can file to make her support the family.

Don't you dare wimp out on this. You will lose your marriage and your family if you do. If you hang tough, you have a good chance of keeping the kids and losing the marriage is her choice. YOU MUST HANG TOUGH ON THIS.

God Bless,

JL

Do not move out of your house- PERIOD.

Pat,

Just another thought. She doesn't understand why you are being nice. She did not understand what it took for you to be a stay at home H. She feels those positions are positions of weakness and she is going to try and exploit the fact that you are weak.

If you move out, she will know you are weak and at that point not worthy of respect or marriage to her. I know this is messed up 'logic' but that is often how it goes with women.

You can be nice but you must be tough and resolute about your boundaries. Moving out is out. Allowing contact without consequences is out. Her using the kids is out. Her abusing you is out. You stand your ground. You can be nice, but she needs to see and feel the steel in your backbone before it starts to cross her mind that SHE is the one that really messed up.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Just chiming in to reiterate all the great advice you are getting...For sure don't move out! You are the leader of your family...LEAD...She is in heavy conflict right now - IGNORE IT...A simple "no" will suffice when she asks you to move out again...

Patriot, I pulled that baloney...Shortly after OM broke up with me, I told Mr. W I wanted a separation - He very firmly and quietly said, "NO"...I didn't really know what to do with that, I just shut up about it...

My guess here is that OM has completely shut her out - she is in desperate mode - she [wrongly] thinks if she gets you out she can save her affair - it's too late, the damage is done...The fantasy cannot recover from this - The affair is O-V-E-R...

You sit tight and be the leader...if she yells, you whisper...Gentle strength, Patriot, gentle strength...

You can do this...

Mrs. W

When she says, "I'll never go for you having full custody," that means, "I guess I'm stuck being married."

You need to stop talking divorce and separation with her. When she wants to start talking about the issue you just say, you know how I feel about our marriage, so I'm not going to talk about it. Do not discuss these things. Let her wonder what you are thinking and how your feel. This will make her feel more uneasy about moving out of filing. If she doesn't know what you'll do or how you'll react, she'll be less include to take any action. She's poking and prodding for information to see what you'll do if she pushes for divorce, trying to negotiate a favorable outcome for her if that's what she chooses. All she has to know is that you won't accept the destruction of your family and if she pushes for it, you will push for primary custody.

Talking about this stuff is a major love buster, so you don't want to do it. She'll waffle and go back and forth, and in this time you start laying the groundwork and meeting the needs she'll let you meet. If you do that, she'll get more comfortable with you, and she'll start letting you meet more important ones that may cause her to fall back in love with you.

Don't try and talk to or reason with her about your future. She's a mess right now and has no idea what she wants or what she'll do.

Another vote on not leaving the residence. She is trying to manipulate a way to get back to those wonderful feelings before exposure.

Here is what I pulled from Atty website


there is some good stuff in this link for Texas divorce laws - with some key strategies - there are some inconsistent advice compared to MB but thats goes with the territory that an Atty does not want extra drama such as exposure. There main purpose is to win the battle in divorce court and our battle is to save a marriage. However there are some things that strategically destroy you if you fall victim to a manipulative wayward.

Link - Texas Div Info



Here is a sample:

When she say's she wants an apt. tell her how is she going to afford the house and the apt.

"I agree, she can go if she wants. Problem there, she would have to suppliment in order for us to stay in the house and she wont do that"

That's why you hire a lawyer at that point.

You also do not move out or let her take the kids.

You move out she will claim you abandoned the family. She gets to change the looks. Keep you from moving back in. Moves the OM into your house. You just made it harder to get custody of the kids, have her pay CS.

Boy O boy does your WW have you trained. How long have you been doing exactly as she tells you?

You have been told not to talk divorce and what do you do you get sucked into lets get an apt. and rotate. Yeah right rotate you out and ounce you are their she will decide she is staying she does not want to rotate.

In the immortal words of the great comic Bugs Bunny: what a morrrooooon.

You need not get yourself sucked in by WW.

This is the best advice in a nutshell that you have gotten on dealing with her. Don't bring up money or finances with her. That is her problem. You are not the one that brought a third party into your M and created this mess.

God's Blessings,

Say

You're right. It's easy to get sucked in when your goated. Each day gets better and easier to deal with. I'm not the most patient person at times, so it goes against my grain....but I'm learning. Hard to be patient with someone who has wronged you so badly. I must say though, I do feel a lot better when I kill her with kindness. It also confuses her and makes her think I'm up to something.

Don't move out. You'll hurt yourself in the legal front.

She was the one who violated the vows. She can move out, but the kids and you stay in the marital home.

Don't talk divorce either. Any talk of moving out or custody or anything of the sort is to be handled by your lawyer. You only talk marriage.

I hear ya - reason for Plan A time limits. Are you sure the OM didnt make a trip up to OKC as well?

Here's a tip - lovingly detach from her storm. Dont talk about the marriage, separation or divorce. Keep focus on the kids. Go for an outdoor activity this weekend with them.

One thing about Austin - lots of outdoors.

Just had a very lengthy, good conversation. She told me he has contacted her. I asked her if she planned on meeting him. She said no-I don't know. She said they were both sad about the way it ended. She then asked what would happen if she did? I told her I had my limits. It's your choice, I'm here for you and I want to work on this, but that is not acceptable. I told her if she felt she would be happy in making a life with him, I cannot stop you, but as long as there is a chance I was going to pursue it. She said I know, but I don't know if there is any coming back from this. I told her I recognize that, but I'm resolute in my belief, I want to fix our marriage but not if he comes back. That I am here for her and am commited to making this better. I told her that only she can decide what is right, but my feelings have not changed. She then told me she was confused, that there is "something wrong with me, that I don't know what I'm doing".

When she mentioned divorce, I told her that was not an option for me, that she would have to do it. She told me that he was not the issue, that it was us. Even if he hadn't shown up, she was very unhappy and was thinking about divorce. She asked if I thought about an apartment and I told her I wasn't going anywhere. She said maybe I should get one. I again said, that is up to you. But I'm staying. She went on about how she didn't want to hurt me anymore. That the reason she had the affair was because she felt our marriage had eroded to a point that she felt it wasn't wrong. I told her that dosen't make it right, but I am fine, that the anger has dissipated and I am more disappointed than anything else. Who knows what she feels. The fact that she calls me every hour I guess is a good thing. I think she knows that there is very little chance that they will ever make it together. But the attraction is fresh and raw and the fact that they only have a chance to see each other every 3 weeks or so makes it enticing. Who the hell wouldn't like a relationship that stays new and has no outside influences? That's tough to compete with. But her offer to get an apartment I think is an opportunity. She dosen't like to be alone, and he is 3 hours away. I go to plan B and I know that would kill her. I accually wish he was closer so he could see what a slob she is and get a taste of what living with her is really like. As I told her, no matter what happens, I will be a better person. Not for her, but for me and my kids.

Not time for plan B.

Didn't his sister contact you before? Do you have her number? I would re-expose as much as possible. The sister would not be too happy about her brother's continued adultery.

You also mentioned before that you thought he might have closed down his Facebook. In fact, it may still be open, but he might have just blocked you and your W, so you cannot even see that he has a page, and any of your friends on Facebook would not be able to see that he has a page. You could perhaps make a new Facebook contact and look him up to see if he is still on. You could not post to his wall, but you could send emails to his friends.

That was not a good conversation for her recovery. Not just because of breaking NC. They are not sad because of the way it ended. They are just sad that the fantasy ended.

Well what do you do if she gets back with him and wants to get her own place? Tell her no, I want live here... continue to be nice and act like nothing is happening?

Yes, you're right about her being sad they are not seeing each other. I'm going to continue with the program. Avoid D talk, be nice and try and create an enviornment that is attractive and inviting. My biggest issue right now is the job. I have two more interviews this week, so hopefully something pans out. If I have a job, it changes everything for me. If I don't have a job, then I have to depend on her and that sucks. I'm about ready to apply for a greeter at Wal Mart (not really):). Well, all I can do is wait and see.I know once I'm back to work, the kids and I will be fine. I can stay in the house, the kids wont be disrupted and that right now is of paramount importance to me. Two weeks ago I don't think I would have said that, but I feel 1000% better about where I am at and what I am doing now, as opposed to then

*****WONDERFULY AWESOME JOB*****

That conversation went EXACTLY how it should have gone.....

Great job......

(notice how YOUR behavior is confusing her???.....it causes her great conflict which is what you want!!!!)

not2fun

How?
When?
Can you stop this?

Any recovery attempt is useless until this stops.

Pat, I stole this from one of the wisest vets on this board, who posted this on some1 else's thread:
This POSOM is inhibiting your ability to R your M. If need be, your W needs to get a new cell phone number so that he cannot call. NC means NC!