velvet, exposure is your most powerful tool against the affair. I doubt it will end your H's affair because it has been allowed to become very entrenched, but it will cause great conflict in the affair. Here is what Dr Harley says about exposure:

here

Melody

She told my H and he told me because it involved me as well. They were not allegations about the A. They were allegations of financial wrong doing on a statement made my H AND me that had absolutely no connection to his A. They were false. I know this because I signed the statement and knew what I was signing. He made this up for revenge.

I didnt want to anger him when I was trying to get him to help me, so I vaguely alluded to it and told him did he realize he could have gotten me in trouble as well. He didnt deny he did it. Was lumped in with the other stuff he did because he felt "crazy".

Look the bottom line is he is a BS and I feel empathy for him in that regard, and therefore somewhat understand his actions, but he is not a very nice person in some regards. That is my own observation after talking to him, not just what H and OW have said.

Velvet

velvet, in that case, I would warn your husband afterwards that his victim might come after him. But your husband does not have the right to harm people - even abusive people - behind their back just because he wants to screw his wife. This man has a right to know what your H is doing to him behind his back and he has to pay consequences. Your H KNOWS this man is violent and is willing to take that risk. If he is not worried about it, then why are you?

Stop enabling your H's affair, velvet. Your silence enables your H and his skanky OW to harm you and the OWH behind your backs. Stop helping the adulterers with your silence. You help NO ONE by hiding their secret for them.

Your HUSBAND is not a very nice person, velvet. He is screwing the man's wife. Your H is the bad guy here, velvet. The OWH has a right to defend himself from your husband and his wife.

Being 2 yrs out and contacting OW out of supposed boredom is disheartening. How long have you been living apart?

It doesn't sound like he is too lonely and bored if he is still seeing his OW.

Yeah hes not nice sometimes. He is lonely and bored. His whole life he has worked and had sex. Now he basically has neither except when he is with me. I dont believe hes sleeping with her yet. The first email was a generic work thing with no comment....fishing, testing if email contact was safe. She wouldnt have waited 5 months to email if they were already sleeping together. I dont think he contacted her first.
Not that it matters so much.

Anyway, he just called. So, I asked him if he had been in contact with her. He said no. Why?

I said, "because someone told me you were" (ok sometimes Im not nice close enough to the truth) Then he got defensive and was working himself into full blown best defense is a good offense without me being able to say a word. I dont need this, blah blah.

Told him to calm down. I was just asking a simple question. Only needed a simple answer.(Thanks for that suggestion).

Oh yeah, I suggested OW must have told someone she saw/talked to him or why would they tell me that. That it was an innocent comment on their part. (OK i went past nice and lied). But I really just wanted to see how far he was going to go.

WOW He proceeded to rip into OW. Called her every name in the book. Said he would never talk to her again after her calling her. He never wanted to get in the middle of anything with her again. Shes crazy. Went on for a while.

I finally said, OK let it go. Finally, something we totally agree on.

Some other small talk. He's also sick.....poor poor thing lol so I let him go on about that.

Hes a bald faced liar. He will probably stew on this and figure out I got into his email but who knows.

I didnt tell him I knew he was lying yet and have the proof.

So what do I do now? By the way we have been living separately for several years, although he is here a lot.

Velvet

If you don't live together, he's a serial cheater, a liar, etc...why are you with him at all?

black raven

Im with him because I still love him and I know that he loves me.

I married him for better or worse.

He has flaws. So do I.

He doesnt want to be a serial cheater or liar. He stopped being an abuser. That is extremely rare.

I know he can stop cheating and lieing. If I didnt have faith in that I wouldnt still be here.

Velvet

Love hasn't motivated him and Hope is not a plan. I understand it is hard velvet but I think you are lying to yourself.

Ok next question....for now I am only going to expose to her BS and her boss as well as mine as a courtesy. I cannot expose directly to anyone else at work. I can do that through word of mouth.

The problem is I cannot do work today because I'm at home and cant email through our security. Is it ok to email BS today and then do work tomorrow when I return to office or should I wait and do both tomorrow. Not thinking it really matters.

H family will not be useful. My family Im not sure about. Have to think on that a bit.

Velvet

yes Pepperband.....there is obviously more therapy in his future if he wants to stay married to me.

His "break" from therapy got away from both of us and I didnt see that because things were going pretty well between us.

On the up side,his therapist told me he had never seen anyone work as hard in therapy as my H did. That is what I mean when I say I know he can do it. Its not just hope.

The down side, like everything else hes going to do it the hard way apparently

Velvet

Yes Ive already done that.

Thats basically what I did when I went NC with him until he dealt with the abuse.

Not as perfectly as all that sounds at first, but eventually I got there. However, I was only going on my own instinct so hopefully this will be better with having the right plan/tools up front, more support and voices of experience.

Velvet

I disagree. Adultery is abuse of the worst kind IMO.

I want to thank everyone for all the great advice so far. It is helping me regain some clarity that I gave up in response to my H off and on foggy behavior for the last year.

Sorry for disappearing mid convo but I crashed from lack of sleep and then I spent some time working on my Plan B letter.

And before anyone asks no I have not exposed yet. If that goes like last time my nuclear exposure will create nuclear blow back on me as well as them. Last time I let that assault melt me down. I cannot do that again. I have to be mentally ready.

And as I am typing, I am thinking I will tell her BS first. Let that nuclear blowback happen and then go to employer with exposure of the A and her harassment. They may or may not deal with A exposure but they will be forced to deal with the harassment. I know Melody mentioned sexual harassment, but Im not sure thats really in play as H no longer works there and it would be a reach to call anything she does to me sexual harassment. If someone sees that differently please explain.

I am not ready to post my Plan B letter yet, still working on it. But, I do want to post my conditions and get some reactions that I am on the right track with that.

Then I will come back to some of the most recent comments.

Again, thank all of you so much.

Velvet

hi velvet, my advice to expose at work was based on my misunderstanding that you all worked together. If your H doesn't work there, there would be no reason to expose to work.