Also, you can get an order to keep the parmour away from your kids. If you live in a state that allows it, file for alienation of affection.

Again, crappy lawyer. There's ALWAYS something you can do in family law.

MJ2010,
You have been given some very wise advise by some of the best this forum has to offer, and for some unknown reason you stubbornly cling to Plan MJ instead of the sound of advise of those who have no other reason to reply to you, except to save you from your own self directed path of destruction.

I certainly don't know how to make you see the path of untold mistakes in your attempt to R your M, but others, I susupect see it very clearly.

Your refusal to expose to everone who could possibly have an influence on your WW and help kill this A, is the result of your very own FEAR!!! Fear will keep you from doing anything because it paralizes you from moving in the right direction.

So ask yourself, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERN'T FROZEN FROM YOUR FEAR? WHAT WOULD BE THE NEXT RIGHT THING TO DO IF YOU WEREN'T COWERD IN A CORNER WAITING FOR PLAN HOPE TO TAKE EFFECT??

If this is allowed to continue, you will spend the next 6 months on here asking about whether we think you got a good D settlement or not. I can assure you, I for one, will not be responding to those types of Q's but, rather shaking my head and wondering why you didn't do everything at your disposal to avoid this.

Frankly, I'll move on to trying to give just a tidbit of advise to someone who isn't afraid to step up to the plate, put their fear behind them, and attempt the PLAN to save their M.

I do wish you luck. (you can put me on ignore now.)

All Blessings,
Jerry

Michael, your story is eerily similar to mine...

I contacted the OM'sW this weekend. She said a couple of interesting things:

I jsut found out for sure who my WH was having an affair with. I took a needle in a haystack chance (OW XH has a common name) and I was dead on. He called back and told me some very interestig things too...

1) She filed for divorce with the OM in late September. A few days later my wife told me she was moving out.

I told him when I believed the PA began, he said they were still married then. The D for him was out of the blue too. He is hesitant to give me more; he's afraid it could jeapordize he and OW's relationship, lol! But I'm guessing the timing was very close too.

2) If my WW thinks the OM is going to marry her, my WW is making "a dumb-[censored] move." The OM cares only about himself. I know, duh!

Um a bit similar here too, XH said that they probably deserved eacjh other as they are both cheaters. Still not too many details.

Then my WW called me. She too said a couple of interesting things:

1) Speaking for the OM, she said that if I contacted the OM'sW again or anybody close to him, he (the OM) would not be responsible for his actions. (I'm shaking in my boots).

Didn't get that one, lol. I think my WH and OW know that I would be a force to reckon with. Heck, my DS (10) FB'ed her and she panicked and deleted her account. Wait until she gets my DS and my DD (14) there; they are difficult for me to handle at times and they love love me. OW is in for a BIG treat as they are both furious.

2) She will correspond with me only via email.

Yep, got that one. When i stuck to plan A he came around and was sweet, but then seemed to feel guilty for that and was cruel. I wasn't strong enough to maintain my composure and did lots of LB's.

3) Her decision to move out the same time that his wife filed for divorce was coincidental. She (the WW) wanted to dump me years ago.

Got that one too. I never loved you, I've been divorcing you for years, I've wanted to leave you for years, I've been unhappy for years. But his actions and his emails tell a much different story. He just wants some strange.

Hang in there!

Hallelujah.

It seems there is often a denial component for newly BS's, I know there was for me.

My advice is to listen to the advice you get here from experienced people, and challenge yourself to take firm action. As you start to do this, you will gain perspective, confidence and momentum, and become truly grateful and aware of what you are dealing with.

Good luck. Take action.

I got a new problem: my in-laws and their siblings don't answer the phone when I call. I called my IL's 10 times, at different times in the evening on four days. They're not on vacation; they just don't pick up the phone, although I have not left a message. And their kids have taken me off their facebook pages. Is my only option to leave a message or send my IL's a registered letter?

---

Me: BS, 39
WW: 32
2 young kids
Never lived together, married 5 years
EA fall '08; move out fall '09
D-day 01/22/10

I'm sorry, Michael it sounds like your indecision gave your WW an opportunity to spin her own story about how crazy you are and how justified any and all of her actions are.

God's Blessings,

Say

#67# will hide your caller ID

Wouldn't a letter to my IL's work? Or how about the priest who married us calling them?

"Wouldn't a letter to my IL's work? Or how about the priest who married us calling them?"

Why not grow a pair and drive over to in laws house?

What is it that you want the priest to do?

The Road,

My IL's live on the other side of the country. Going there anytime soon is out of the question.

My IL's might listen to the priest. They apparently won't listen to me.

MJ - have you always been a conflict avoider?

Not at all; in fact, I am known as provocative, a loose cannon, and controversial. I know, hard to believe.

In my case, I think timing is part of my problem. I called my IL's the same day they left for a vacation. My WW's spouses were also on vacation.

I haven't avoided conflict. I've just tried to pick my battles. I sent my IL's a long letter about my WW's A, which they should receive later this week. I talked with the OM's W and my WW's boss.

My thinking now is that judging by my IL's reaction, I will expose soon to my WW's friends.

A new question: My WW has said she wants to divorce me, yet she hasn't filed. Is her hesitance the result of the OM's refusal to commit to marrying her?

---

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 32
2 young kids
EA fall '08, move out fall '09
Never lived together, together 9 years
D-day 01/22/10

She doesn't want to file because she wants YOU to file!

So YOU can be the bad guy. "See I was trying but HE filed!"

Karmarose,

Thanks.

I attempted to expose tonight. It was draining.

My IL's didn't want to talk with me. A mutual friend of my WW and I's questioned me calling him. The OM called me, dropped f bomb after f bomb, and denied seeing my WS after their EA 16 months ago. (He added that he should "start dating her and f_ _ k the sh _ _ t out of her" and lampooned the idea that my WW is my wife). And my WS reiterated her position that "it's over," "I don't want to be your wife anymore," and "I'm getting a divorce." She added that my letter to her parents was "crazy."

I talked with a friend in between who offered me encouragement and counsel. But am I right in thinking tonight went poorly?

No it didn't go poorly - you caused a lot of conflict in the affair and grief to the affairees. Well done.

A compliment from bigkahuna -- I'll take it.

I think it went just like any exposure usually does.

Getting your kids back in your home is imperative!

Custody is determined in the jurisdiction of where the child(ren) have lived for the past 6 months, according to what I've read about the Uniform Child Custody laws. Have your children been living in the other state for 6 months?

If it has not been 6 months, here is what I think you need to do:

1. Get a bulldog of an attorney, file for legal separation and temporary full custody. See if he can get you an emergency hearing on a Friday (the sooner, the better). I believe that you said you get the kids on Thursday, right? Do NOT tell your WW what you are planning to do.

2. Be sure that you get a cusody order that DAY!

3. When your wife comes to pick the kids up, have someone there to serve her. If you generally take the kids back to her, simply don't take them. Arrange for a process server to serve her, instead. Oh...and another thing...do NOT take the kids away from your home until she has been served.

3. Arrange for a few days off from work so you can make arrangements for the care of your children and to spend some time with them.

4. Last, but not least, ask your bulldog lawyer if you can legally do these things.

Our experience with this issue was when, while our two grandsons were visiting us on a Sunday afternoon, we learned of her affair from the OMW. The OMW said that they had "run off together". I immediately called our son, who was an OTR trucker and told him. He said, "Do not let her take my kids around that POS." I then called his attorney (a family friend) to get the ball rolling. In the meantime, the OMW let DiL know that she had told us. DiL called me later that evening and asked, "Are you going to let me have my kids?" I told her that our son knew and that our son said to keep the boys with us.

Our son was home by Tuesday. The lawyer already had the divorce petition drawn up, and our son signed it.

By Thursday, the judge had awarded our son temporary full custody.

I did not take the boys ANYWHERE until after the judge signed off on the custody. She would have had to get a court order to come onto our property to take the boys, but anywhere else, she could have simply walked up and taken them from me.

Our son gave us POA to care for the boys while he was on the road. We had the boys during the week, and he took care of them when he was home.

IMHO, your main priority should be taking care of your kids, because once she is gone for 6 months, she can file for sole custody of the kids in the other state.

In the meantime, you EXPOSE this affair to everybody whose opinion she values and blow it wide open. The fact that she and the OM are angry shows that they are afraid of people knowing their nasty little secret. Oh...and that stuff about your letter to her parents being "crazy"? Well, I think her parents gave her some grief over her affair.

Do NOT argue with her or apologize or anything like that. You can CHEERFULLY say something like, "I am fighting for our marriage. Oops! Gotta go! Have a nice day, honey!" Other than exposing the affair, do NOT lovebust her!

Your WW is no different than any other WW.

Snatch your pants back from her, put them on, and follow the MB plan! Expose, take care of your kids, and start your Plan A!