I absolutely do not trust women any longer, period.

I am convinced the church is nothing but a bunch of sanctimonious hypocrites.

Some women can't be trusted but some can.
Some churches are a bunch of sanctimonious hypocrites but some aren't.

I hate to see someone feeling this way ---- but I totally get it.
A walk through life is like walking on a frozen pond--you never know when you might step on thin ice. To stop walking however, isn't an option. You just have to choose your paths wisely and move around obstacles with determination.

We hit that thin ice and fell in....if you're like me you're pissed that you fell in and now you've got to start out again all cold and wet. But the positive in this is that we know to watch for that thin ice!

Fred and Zelmo,
OMG, I have officially gone 'round the bend!!! I now realize that Zelmo and then you were not responding to my response on this thread as it appeared to me. How paranoid I have become!!! PLEASE FORGIVE MY TIRADE AGAINST YOU. I promise to be a better MB forum member. Please forgive me.
GY

Very well said wannamoveforward, I agreed that I spend way too much time thinking about her, my H told me the same thing. I gotta let her go and move on. I know that there is a NC letter for the WH to send to the OW. Is there a letter for the BS to send to the OW. I want to send her a "this is the end" letter. What do you all think about that?

I personally do not want either myself or H having contact with OW once NC letter is sent.

Funny you should say that.
I did write a letter to OW saying "good bye"

I wanted to send it but it did not get sent.
I am glad I wrote it
I am glad I did not send it.
There was no need to.

I think writing a letter to OW for YOUR EYES ONLY will help you a lot in your personal recovery. Heck write 10 letters of you need to. Write a novel if you must. Stop writing when it no longer remains important to you that you do that.

26yrs,

Please, do NOT buy into this line of BU77CHIT.....Your H has NO RIGHT to tell you this. NONE...NADA....ZIP....

His last contact was made what, 2 weeks ago, with a hidden cell-phone in his UNDERWEAR!!!!Give me a friggin break.....

The reason she is forfront on your mind is because there is STILL CONTACT. She is there because HE is putting her there, not you. And this will not lessen UNTIL contact has ceased. Each and every contact he has with her puts YOU (and him...but that's a whole nother issue) back at square 1. Do not let him or anyone else tell you anything different. What you are feeling and thinking is normal, considering the HUGE attack his affair has done to you.....



This will NOT happen until NO CONTACT has been established and followed for quite some time. And not before. It took me a WHOLE YEAR before she was not taking up precious brain cells. It wasn't until 18 months until the thought of her induced nothing in me, except pity maybe. You will work THROUGH your feelings about her, but not until NO CONTACT has been established between your WH and her.

This is your WH's job. He is the one to send an NC letter, written by him and approved and sent by YOU. As you have seen in the past, talking, writing, T.M. this ho is nothing more than a waste of breathe. I agree about writing her a letter for YOU, but not for you to give her. Heck, write her every day if you have to (to ease your anger with her....), but don't give that OW anything else of yourself.....

(((26yrs))))

I do feel for you....I know where you are, and its tough. oh....

and my advice to anyone on how to deal with the anger, take a kickboxing class. Pretend the OW's face is the bag (or your WH...whomever is angering you the most that day...). The class will help reduce your stress, alieve aggression, and as an added bonus, it gets you in shape.....better than any IC, if you ask me.....

not2fun

Ok, my husband has done the NC letter and I mailed it off. Well, we both were at the post office but I dropped it in the slot. So, I shouldn't write her a letter? Thing is I did, but I read these comments first and changed my mind. There are some things that I just want her to know. Things I never got to tell her. I just want this last opportunity to tell her off, sorry but that's the truth. I'll tell her off in a nice way. I want her to know that she was stupid for ever thinking he would leave me, he even told her that would never happen but some how I think she wished he would. I want her to know that she can never replace 26 years of memories. She could never replace the memories of us traveling all over the world, our most recent trip in November to Hawaii. I just want to rub it in her face. So, I shouldn't? Come one, somebody tell me I can send this letter, just the final chapter in the book. Honestly, if you all think I shouldn't send it, then I wont.

Don't send it.

"Letters I've written, never meaning to send..."
--Knights in White Satin, Moody Blues

OW is the last person you want cluttering up your mind. Focus on your H, your M and yourself. Not necessarily in that order.

Thanks Fred in VA, as much as I don't want to, I'll rip it up.

Here's a shortened version:

You lose! But losers always do.

All Blessings,
Jerry

What do you hope to achieve by sending it ?

Are you expecting an " I am so sorry , thanks for making me see how foolish I was " letter back ?

Write it , burn it!
Write another one when we feel differently in a few weeks and burn that too.
Write and burn until you have nothing left to write about.

I don't know why I want to send it. I guess there is so much that I never got to say to her that I want to say. Just for selfish gain and pleasure I guess. I want her to hurt, and I feel if I send the letter and the contents in it, she'll feel a little more pain. Sad isn't it? I'm not even that type of person, or shall I say I never use to be this type of person. I just want to say goody goody, where is he now? When was the last time you saw him? I just want to rub a few things in her face. But, again I will not send it if you all think I shouldn't.

Yep, parts of me are "someone else" and parts are the same.

The parts that are different..

I don't trust people anymore

I don't have a genuine smile anymore; I try to smile around the kids and WH but it's fake

I don't believe in love anymore and wish I didn't still love my H who pretty much died in Iraq

I lost all hope for the future; used to be on the National honor roll and now have pretty much dropped out my senior year of college and I can't imagine ever trusting or loving again. I feel like all our dreams have been shattered, and I will live alone forever (by choice).

The things that are the same...

I don't look at other men in a sexual way; I really never noticed when men were supposedly hitting on me. I still don't. The thought disguists me.

My heart is still very raw and pure; I've always worn my heart on my sleeve

I'm still very honest, sometimes brutally

I'm still empathetic to others; maybe moreso now.

I still have faith; although I nearly lost it.
.
Sorry it's all so negative, but it is what it is.

I don't know OW, so I'm not surprised by her actions, but my H....I just don't understand at all. Our family and I were everything to him; the him deep inside.

I think even if he came back and we worked on our marriage and made it the best marriage ever; I'd never truly be the same. Our marriage would be better and that is what I pray for, but I don't think scars like this ever heal.

You know what, not only has the affair turned me into someone else, but it has also turne my husband into someone else. It's like he's not the same honest man that I married 26 years ago. Does anyone believe in evil spirits being cast on your spouse to make them do what they did? I think I'm going to make a post about that. Just curious.

Wow! You expressed exactly how I feel. I am definitely someone else since the affair and I don't like the person I have become. I used to be cheerful and happy go lucky and I want to get that back.

Now though, I don't trust my husband anymore;
don't believe in love anymore;
wish I didn't love my husband;
dread the future;
feel that life sucks;
can't imagine ever trusting again;
feel that my dreams have been shatterred;
am very insecure;
and though I am a one man woman, I feel that
I was never meant to have a one woman man.

We are trying to work things out so I put on a fake smile and hide my pain so as not to distress my FWH who feels badly enough already. What a mess!

Very nice Sure! I feel your pain, I only wish my H felt badly about all this too...Maybe he will someday. Not that I want him to feel badly necessarily, but it would at least reassure me of his love; something I yearn for so much right now, but as of now there is only a void.

Don't send it.

You will just open the door for contact again.

She is not worth it.

Do not return evil for evil. Take the high road.

If your WS allowed evil into your lives, that was his choice. He has to own that.

The evil that was the ow was allowed because of his choices. It's not a spell. He followed the wayward handbook. All WS lie, and do things they would never do. He is typical and normal for someone in an affair, and made choices that allowed these things to happen.

You are shifting responsibility off of him when you think that he was under a spell. Not the case. Just an alien like the rest of WS.

Try to focus on the 26 years you have had. Are you going to let a short amount of time where it was really bad dictate your future? It will get better, and hopefully you will have a better marriage using MB principals.

Your H is getting better, and these things take time. Don't give into hate and vengeance. It will eat away at you and not be good for your recovery. We all hate ow. But you can't change them, you can only change yourself, own up to your own mistakes and do your best to have an even better M.

Don't choose to put yourself at that level. Get up every day and think of what you have to be thankful for, and what blessings you do have.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Don't mean to sound harsh.

The ow in my situation had no conscience, and was never remorseful, and stalked me after the A ended.

It took around 6 months or so for my H to see her for what she really was, and to come to a place where he realized the damage he did not just to me, but our children.

He sucked it up and took it from our DD, she was really, really angry. It took her about 4 years before she forgave him and she gave him h e double hockey sticks for a long time.

They are now very close, and we have healed.

This does change you, I will never let my guard down again. But we are happier than we have ever been, and my H has really grown and is a much better man who has come to grips with a lot of things.

When you spend your time obsessing about ow, it gives them power over you. Don't let this change you into a bitter person.

It's really hard stuff, recovery. Focus on recovery. Your H is back on board and will come around. You will never forget, but you will be able to reach forgiveness of your WS as recovery moves along.

It takes awhile.

I wish you the best, you are WORTHY.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

So lets say you send such a letter
How will you know if she is hurt by such a letter or laughs at your for thinking you have won a victory.

Will you spend the next x years wondering how she felt when he got the letter ?
Waiting for a response in some form that confirms that your letter has done its intended job.

How long before you give you waiting to see signs of remorse from her.
Cause thats how long you will continue to keep her alive in your M.