My wife and I just got married in July of 2008. My wife says that we have only had about 6 months of a good marriage then it started going down hill from there. I was in school last spring and this fall and I don't think that helped us out any at all and it may have helped to wait until after my degree was done. We also had my brother and her sister living with us for a few months which was probably the greatest hit on our marriage. She started playing volleyball in a city about half an hour away and would always stay in that city because she was drinking too much. She was always hanging out with a specific individual of the opposite sex that I didn't appreciate and I voiced this with her. The person was my track coach and she has been an assistant track coach with him for the last year and a half. She never really hung out with him while we were dating or while we were married up until last spring. He has gone through a divorce in the last 6 months so it doesn't make any matters better.

My wife has just started living at one of her best friends mother's house about a month or so ago and only really comes home when she needs something. We still talk if we need something from each other and we still talk to each other to see how each of us are doing. She just came home last August and said that she didn't think that she loved me any more and she had to figure out what she wanted to do. She is still coaching with the person that I don't like and she will randomly go to the bar with him to have a few drinks. I found her at the bar with him the other night at 12:45 am and I got really mad at her which didn't help any at all. I have tried everything to make her happy and I have run out of things to do. I have bought most of the books on this site and none have really helped us any. I don't think she is cheating on me but I don't know. Her brother is having a rough time with his wife cheating on him so I don't know if she would make me go through the same thing. She is a christian woman with good values, but apparently that doesn't make much of a difference. I see her with the other man and she is always smiling laughing an having a good time; I have asked her if she loves someone else or is doing anything with him and she always tells me no. The other man is about 10 years older than her as well so that deters me from it a little bit. I ask her why she hangs out with him so much and she just says that she used to do it before her and I were hanging out and she had fun just talking.

That is a little background info on the situation. As of now, she is staying at her friend's mom's house and she still talks to me. I blew up on her the other night and she went to her parents house for the weekend. Everyone thinks that we need to work things out but we don't really know how. I try to get her to do things with me and she just doesn't want to or always has an excuse why she can't. She doesn't ever have an answer for why she doesn't love me any more or how I can make her happy. She said she started feeling bad about our marriage 8 months ago when I wouldn't give her enough attention. I let her play volleyball because it made her happy and how she says that I should have stopped her from being away too much or I should have driven to pick her up if she had too much to drink. She never once told me this when it was happening and she seemed to be having a good time when she was doing everything last summer but I guess I let my giver take charge and that didn't help at all.

Right now I don't really know what to do. I don't think that she is cheating on me but I have had the suspicion cross my mind. I have tried many things to get her to love me again and I have done everything that she asks like keeping the house clean, daily chores around the house, walking the dogs, everything. It seems right now that there is nothing that I can do that can make her happy and I just get to take the back seat while she can go out and hang out with another guy and make me very angry by doing it. I have almost had enough and am almost to a breaking point, but I still would like us to stay together. It will be a long road to recovery if we figure it out. I have been told to just leave her alone and let her figure out what she wants to do, but I know that that may result in divorce. We still talk to each other and ask how each other is doing, but we just don't hang out. I need some help in my issues if anyone has any advice. I think that the first thing that would help is if she stops hanging out with the other guy and starts hanging out with me, but there is no possible way I can make that happen. Ideas???

Hi Jordy, it's the weekend and things are much slower than during the week. I'm sorry you have to be here, but here you are. Welcome.

A few questions. I'm not ready to give you advice, yet.

How do you expect to "work on your marriage" when the two of you are living apart? As long as you live apart, you are essentially married in name only.

You've made a lot out of this coach she hangs around with, but (weakly) maintain you don't think she's having an affair with him. What's your honest opinion?

Here's my advice: Invite her to move back with you if she wants to work on the marriage. If she resists, you pretty much have your answer: she's found someone else she'd rather be with more.

To be honest, you haven't made the marriage very attractive. You say you've read the MB books, but I don't see where you've implemented any of the principles. By not insisting she come to the marital home, you're sending her signals that say the marriage just isn't that important to you.

You're young, you haven't been married long, and you have no children. NOW is the time for BOTH of you to decide what you want out of your marriage.

But you can't do it long distance. That way just leads to the divorce court.