My H and I had a conversation last night that was good, bad(as in foggy) and indifferent.

He's working through whats gone on. I can almost hear the wheels grinding in his foggy brain. Havent heard from him today so hes probably licking his wounds trying to figure out what to do next or whether he should just hole up in his cave for a while.

He shared more of his convo with OW. First time he told me she told him some top level work stuff and swore him to secrecy. I asked what and he wouldnt say. This time he told me and we both laughed at how ridiculous she is because at least 20 people know by now. Also, I was glad he betrayed his loyalty to keeping her secret. Plus another unprofessional disclosure of confidential info from her boss I can use in my exposure letter to him.

H is also very angry. He has convinced himself she told people they talked and thats how I know. He's further convinced himself she did it to hurt me. I didnt disabuse him of this notion or encourage it.

Is it wrong of me to let him keeping thinking this? When I expose to her BS, I will have to tell him about the email. She will likely call H or leave voicemail to tell him his email is no longer secure. BS will not be able to maintain from my past experience with him.

I mentioned to H that it seems he is trying to "white knuckle" through this. He said thats exactly right. I told him thats not a good plan because most of the time when people do that they fall off whatever wagon they're on and worse it will never bring the kind of joyful life that he could have.

I didnt bring up my conditions and neither did he. He's either still thinking on them or hoping they will go away.

I did realize after the call ended that if he told me the truth about when he talked to her it was after a great weekend we had and a day he stayed here all day while I went to work and was here when I got home. Meaning he must have called her from our home. That made me angry.

Still I finally got sleep last night. This morning lot of confusion. Badly wanted to call and say so what about my conditions but I know thats not productive so I didnt.

Instead, I did a few things to take care of myself.

Then I wrote exposure letter to her boss and her parents. I feel bad about contacting her parents. They are in their 80's and father had a stroke couple of years ago. Hopefully it will not be too distressing to them.

I feel alternately sad and hopeful about the latest events. But, at least that awful feeling of numbness that was starting to resemble depression has lifted. It was paralyzing and also for me terrifying. I have a history of severe clinical depression that predates my marriage related to issues with my rape. I cannot go there ever again if I can help it.

Velvet

Oh thank you Pepper. I needed to hear that.

Just got off phone with H. More good, bad, and foggy lol.

He called said he finally got some sleep almost 8 hours. Hes barely had 2 for the last 5 days. Trying to avoid dependency on the sleeping pill his doctor switched him to.

He was feeling "relaxed, warm and cozy" Some chit chat.

I told him that after we got off the phone last night I realized if he called OW Mon he called from our house. He said "No then that cant be right." I must have mixed the days up. He switched the day to Friday lol before she even emailed him. Thats after trying out Sat/Sun until I pointed out how could he call her at home. Liar liar pants on fire. I pressed him a bit on the sequence and he went a little ballistic. "I didnt do anything wrong. It was just a mistake. I just talked to her. I cant keep being punished for this. I thought we were past this. You can never let anything go." Oh yes and his short term memory is not what it used to be and since hes retired he has trouble keeping the days straight. Hee hee poor guy.

Before he could hang up, I just said ok...I just needed a simple answer. Then he went on about how I ruined his mood and state of relaxation. I just said Im sorry not my intention. He started backpeddling, calmed down and gasp an unsolicited apology for "giving me the wrong day" ROFL apologize for the right thing buddy. Keeping this story straight must be making his head explode. I know I could not keep it straight except I have it all written down including his lies word for word.

I goofed and said well I guess you'll tell me the whole truth when youre ready. That really made him mad. He's really off his game to have not realized I know hes lieing yet.

This bit was mindblowing. Im still not sure what to make of it. He preceded it by telling me it would probably make me mad and sound crazy, but he felt better after he talked to OW because it made him feel closer to me.

You got that right buddy. I was struck dumb which rarely happens. He rambled and bit struggling to explain it then said, "I think I was mad at your or blaming you I couldnt talk to my friend."

I said, "so you were feeling resentment toward me?" He said, "Yes. You were keeping me from talking to my friend."

I said, whoa, I cant keep you from doing anything. You kept yourself from doing it. He said, because you wanted me to. I said and I appreciate that it was the right thing to do.

I think he went into the lonely, bored, missing my friend thing again. And, I said, I get that, but she cant be your friend. If shes really a friend and all is above board, lets call her and her BS up and invite them to dinner. He had the good grace to acknowledge thats ridiculous.

Off and on during this his temper flared. Finally, I asked him why he was so angry. He said all the stuff Ive already written and then finally said, "I dont know why Im angry." I just said ok.

Then he calmed down and whined he thought this was over, we had a good convo last night, said we were ok when we ended it, he thought I was over this, I can never ever let anything go. (Oh yeah buddy, I wont be letting this go, figured that out yet? lol)
whine all you want.

I said, I hear you, but now that you mention it, you said some things yesterday that have been bothering me. You are upset that I never let anything go, but you were bringing up some really old stuff(me having him arrested for putting his hands on me 20 years ago; him storming out of the house before he lost control and got arrested again and me inviting him to stay out until he got help). He had also sort have mocked me calling him abusive....then not now.

I said its really disturbing to me that you seemed to be minimizing that you were abusive to me. Are you now saying that you dont believe you were? Because I thought we agreed on that and it was behind us. Obviously you still have some resentment around it.

He said "No, Im not saying that"

He said he felt he had no choice to leave or I would have him arrested. I said, you were threatening me, I was scared of you. You left because you knew you were reaching an out of control point. You did the right thing. I did the right thing not letting you come back until you got help. You got help. I'm sorry it had to happen that way and that neither one of us were able to quickly do the next right thing. Told him I felt abandoned and angry/hurt by him and angry at myself. But that we have to let it go, be vigilant that we never go to that place again and let it go.

He has a ridiculous cell that something is wrong with and it died so he had to call back on land line. He was very calm when he called back. Got some good stuff in.

Im going to take a break before I post it.

Velvet

So he called back and was relaxed again.

He didnt have a lot to talk about since he's been in bed all day lol. So, I told him I had been looking at a relationship website before he called that had a lot of good stuff.

That I really liked it because it made a lot of common sense. Very briefly explained the concept of meeting each others EN. Told him I thought I shared some of this with him when we first got back together. I know I did; he didnt remember.

So then I said, can we go through them just hypothetically so I can show you what I mean? He said, we should probably do that with a counselor.

I said, Yeah we could do that, but there are no right or wrong answers. I guarantee you cannot get yourself in trouble. Hee Hee.

He laughed and said thats the goal. Then he said, OK, go ahead. So I gave him the average top ten EN. Explained his could be different and ours would likely be a bit different. That they could be whatever they are. No right or wrong.

Was not my intention, but as we talked we got to our top five and agreed where we had some trouble spots. I explained to him that if the need wasnt met resentment builds and then the instinct is to stop meeting the other persons need.

He got it. Said it made sense to him. I told him theres a lot more; I really like this site. He said, "I guess I would have to look at it to see if I like it too."

I said, they also have counselors you can talk to by phone. He said that seems crazy, not sure about that. I said, yeah I know but it might be worth a try and even be more convenient and effective. I said, did your counselor do marriage counseling? He said he wasnt sure.

So....I could not restrain myself and asked him if he had thought about the things I asked him for. He said, "I dont know if Ive consciously thought about them yet, I was sleeping most of the day."

He was fading and we reached his verbal limit. He told me he would call tomorrow to see if I felt like him coming over.

Forgot and I dont remember exactly where it was or which call. Asked him why me talking to people online makes him so angry("my online buddies"). He said, I saw some of the stuff you told them about me being abusive. When I asked when and what, he said a long time ago. I said, how did you see it? He said you left the screen up. Not sure thats right or if he saw it in forum messages sent to email.

Anyhow, he said the stuff I said was really mean and made him sound like a scumbag. And, they were all telling you to leave me. I said, well I didnt leave you did I? Also, Was it true?He couldnt remember what it was but said I was exagerating. I said, well without seeing it I dont know. Said, I was really hurt and angry then, but I was always waiting for you to find your way home.

Hopefully he remembers this if I have to go to Plan B.

Velvet