My wife and I just got married in July of 2008. My wife says that we have only had about 6 months of a good marriage then it started going down hill from there. I was in school last spring and this fall and I don't think that helped us out any at all and it may have helped to wait until after my degree was done. We also had my brother and her sister living with us for a few months which was probably the greatest hit on our marriage. She started playing volleyball in a city about half an hour away and would always stay in that city because she was drinking too much. She was always hanging out with a specific individual of the opposite sex that I didn't appreciate and I voiced this with her. The person was my track coach and she has been an assistant track coach with him for the last year and a half. She never really hung out with him while we were dating or while we were married up until last spring. He has gone through a divorce in the last 6 months so it doesn't make any matters better.

My wife has just started living at one of her best friends mother's house about a month or so ago and only really comes home when she needs something. We still talk if we need something from each other and we still talk to each other to see how each of us are doing. She just came home last August and said that she didn't think that she loved me any more and she had to figure out what she wanted to do. She is still coaching with the person that I don't like and she will randomly go to the bar with him to have a few drinks. I found her at the bar with him the other night at 12:45 am and I got really mad at her which didn't help any at all. I have tried everything to make her happy and I have run out of things to do. I have bought most of the books on this site and none have really helped us any. I don't think she is cheating on me but I don't know. Her brother is having a rough time with his wife cheating on him so I don't know if she would make me go through the same thing. She is a christian woman with good values, but apparently that doesn't make much of a difference. I see her with the other man and she is always smiling laughing an having a good time; I have asked her if she loves someone else or is doing anything with him and she always tells me no. The other man is about 10 years older than her as well so that deters me from it a little bit. I ask her why she hangs out with him so much and she just says that she used to do it before her and I were hanging out and she had fun just talking.

That is a little background info on the situation. As of now, she is staying at her friend's mom's house and she still talks to me. I blew up on her the other night and she went to her parents house for the weekend. Everyone thinks that we need to work things out but we don't really know how. I try to get her to do things with me and she just doesn't want to or always has an excuse why she can't. She doesn't ever have an answer for why she doesn't love me any more or how I can make her happy. She said she started feeling bad about our marriage 8 months ago when I wouldn't give her enough attention. I let her play volleyball because it made her happy and how she says that I should have stopped her from being away too much or I should have driven to pick her up if she had too much to drink. She never once told me this when it was happening and she seemed to be having a good time when she was doing everything last summer but I guess I let my giver take charge and that didn't help at all.

Right now I don't really know what to do. I don't think that she is cheating on me but I have had the suspicion cross my mind. I have tried many things to get her to love me again and I have done everything that she asks like keeping the house clean, daily chores around the house, walking the dogs, everything. It seems right now that there is nothing that I can do that can make her happy and I just get to take the back seat while she can go out and hang out with another guy and make me very angry by doing it. I have almost had enough and am almost to a breaking point, but I still would like us to stay together. It will be a long road to recovery if we figure it out. I have been told to just leave her alone and let her figure out what she wants to do, but I know that that may result in divorce. We still talk to each other and ask how each other is doing, but we just don't hang out. I need some help in my issues if anyone has any advice. I think that the first thing that would help is if she stops hanging out with the other guy and starts hanging out with me, but there is no possible way I can make that happen. Ideas???

How old are you and your wife?

I am 22 and my wife is 24, she will be 25 in april.

Yes, it is my plan to do that. She isn't an alcoholic by any means. She just decided to hang out with her friend too much and they would all buy her drinks. She has hardly been drinking at all the last 6 months and I think the most she has had is around 3 beers. She is more of a social drinker and I know that she has planned on kids in the future. She isn't stupid at all and she knows when she can and can't drink. It seems like she would just try things like that to see what I would do and to make me try to read her mind.

I have already read all of the basic concepts and I have read Fall In Love, Stay In Love. She has read the His Needs Her Needs books and we haven't really gotten any ideas out of them. She continually says that she doesn't know if she can love me again and she says she needs to let herself love me again if she ever wants it to happen. Right now she has stated that she doesn't think it will work. She said that she didn't learn anything that she didn't already know from that book. I don't really know what is going on in her head right now, but I don't think that it is good. I know all the basic concepts of the love bank, love busters, emotional needs, etc. I have been trying to meet all of them, making deposits, caring for her, avoid love busters, etc. I didn't do a good job of avoiding an angry outburst the other night though. I haven't really gotten any ideas of where to go next because she says that she is the one that has to allow herself to love me again. I try everything to make her happy again.

When we were dating, she decided to leave behind her friends and I think that hurt her a lot. She was happy with me, but I had friends around the area and all of her friends were gone. I don't know if it is an issue of immaturity or not, but she just seems to be confused right now. All of my friends see her talking to the other person excessively and they all ridicule her for it because they see that it is hurting me. Yes I have been hurt by her ignoring me and giving him attention, but I don't really want to end the marriage. I just don't really know what to try as of now and I was looking for ideas. I don't know if I can try anything or if I just need to let her be and figure out what she wants to do.

I'm so sorry for your pain, Jordy. Also sorry that you didn't "really get any good ideas" out of HNHN. I am 58 years old, in my second M for almost sixteen years and I found it life altering.

You can't fullfill any of your wife's emotional needs because she is allowing someone else to fill them. At the very least, she is having an EA (emotional affair)

God's Blessings,

Say

Yeah, I have discussed the emotional affair thing with her. I told her that is what I felt was going on even if she wasn't physically having an affair. She says she is sorry that she feels that way and sorry that she causes me pain, but she doesn't ever do anything to solve it. She thinks that the only thing that will solve the way that we feel is a divorce. I still express with her that I love and care for her and that I am trying to find ways to help her love me, but there is nothing that I can do I feel.

bump...

any one got any advice for me? I don't know what to do as the next step. I have done a lot of the snooping things and have found nothing. She just likes to hang out with the other guy and talk a lot. I think that he has to be gone or at least visited less in order for us to continue.

I think it's likely that a lot more has happened than just a lot of talking, sorry.

You've been M'd for only a year and some change. No children involved. And your W doesn't appear to be concerned about how her actions are affecting you. Do you really want to stay M'd to her?

Sadly, so do I.

This doesn't look good, if you ask me. PA or not, EA or not, the fact that you're going through this at this early stage in your marriage does NOT bode well.

Your wife would rather spend her time getting her needs met by another man and doesn't seem to care that it bothers you.

We can help and advise you, Jordy. But make sure you know what you want, and be prepared one way or the other for some very difficult times.

Jordy, I would call OM and ask him to leave your wife alone. He needs to understand that he is getting more time than you are. Ask him to help save your marriage.

Read the articles here and look to meet her emotional needs. Find what they are first of all. Especially avoid lovebusters. Lovebusters kill a relationship far faster than neglect.

While many folks here may think that divorce is the answer, I think that it is worthwhile your learning how to fight for the marriage.

He is 35 and your wife is 25 and she is hanging out with him at bars....and because he is 10 years older than her you think its unlikely that anything can or will happen...?

That age gap is nothing my friend.

Yea he is just 'a friend', this forum is full of stories from people who's spouses had sex, eventually, with someone who was just their 'friend'. Myself included.

I do not think that divorce is the answer by any means. I think that I am going to talk to her again about the situation and the information that I have been given and see what she has to say. I well tell her to stop hanging out with the other person like I have tried and if she continues that I will start talking more to her family. I will also call the OM and tell him to stop hanging out with her because he is ruining our relationship. I don't think that many of her friends and family see it the way that I do because she isn't going to tell them that she has been hanging out with another guy. I don't think that I have brought many other people into the situation and that may be one thing that I need to do because she needs to hear it from other people.

Jordy, keep your sources to yourself. As things unravel, you might find things are worse than you think. If that happens, you'll want to have MB in your corner and not at the disposal of your enemy...

Thank you everyone for your concern. I think that right now I need to try to get her to come back into the house. Is there any ways to motivate her into doing that besides just saying will you move back in? I know that I need to tell her that is the only way that we will be able to work on things.