I have been married to a wonderful man for close to 5 years. I had an affair that began last year. I used problems in our marriage (that it turned out were mostly misconceptions and weirdness on my part) as a "justification" for having the affair. I thought I fell in love with the OM. Sick, delusional thought. My H saw my phone bill in lat Oct. and asked me whose number it was that kept showing up. After about an hour of discussion, I finally owned up to the truth. The pain for him was unbearable though I didn't fully appreciate it at the time. Obviously, he insisted that I break it off with the OM. I did so but only in part. My H did not expose the A. After a month of misery including a 1 week separation, my H and I reconciled. We fell back in love in a way I could have never imagined possible. He read the MB site and showed me some articles. Although I liked what he showed me, I didn't do any reading on my own. I wish that I had. Even though my H and I enjoyed the best days of our marriage EVER, I broke the cardinal rule of recovery,I had contact with the OM. Even though there was extremely little contact, either verbal or physically, it still happened. My H discovered that me & OM met again a few days ago. Once again, I owned up to what happened. He immediately called the OM, told the OM's wife, and confronted the OM. My H experienced the worst pain imagineable from the false recovery. Now I am too. My H does not want to continue our marriage out of fear of ever being hurt by me again. I can't blame him. But at the same time, I love this man more than anything. I feel the pain now too and want to take it away from him. I feel no withdrawal from OM, that was over weeks ago. Instead I feel intense pain over the loss of my beautiful H.

I am asking for advice from this community. I loathe myself for what I did. I detroyed the best gift any person could have, a marriage to a nearly perfect person. Please help.

u233, do you work with the OM? Live close by? Go to the same church?

What caused your recent contact?

Am I right in concluding that contact really never ended?

We work for the same company. It is large so it would have been possible to have no further contact. The contact never ended but was sporadic, only about every 2 weeks. I realize now that that is too much. Never again in a million years would have been better. I can't even stand to hear his name now, it makes me so sick. I feel like I have put my tongue in toilet water. Sorry for the gross analogy but it describes how I feel.

I can be a very wishy washy person at times. Even though my marriage was turning into heaven on earth, instead of breaking off the contact witht he disgust I feel now, I just played along passively. Everytime I had contact with OM, I would pray "help this get over with" but never got up the nerve to do it. Well, my prayers were answered, it is over with. But now I have lost my H.

Your husband is in an impossible position because he probably knows what he is in for if he stays with you. As long as you continue to work at the same place as the OM, there will be no recovery. We have affairs here that turned into 4, 5, 10 year affairs just because the affairees worked in the same building. They stayed perpetually triggered for years by seeing the OP's name on emails, car at work, meetings, etc. You can't escape him if you work together.

That is a no win situation for your husband. He would be crazy to stay with you unless you leave the job and send the OM a no contact letter.

Why would you get your honey in the same place you get your money? Aren't you concerned about your reputation at work?

Thank you. In addition to quitting my job and sending the OM a no contact letter, what next steps should I pursue? I have ordered the book "Surviving an Affair" and am reading as much as I can on the MB site.

u233, that is a huge first step. The next step will be to offer up your cell phone passwords, etc and pledge to live a completely transparent lifestyle, including telling your husband the full, unvarnished truth about the affair. Surviving an Affair will give you a great roadmap for recovering your marriage.

Here is the no contact letter that Dr Harley recommends from SAA:

here



[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Thanks for the draft letter. I will use it.

Here is the next problem. My H has access to my cell and computer (he also works with me). I am completely willing (almost begging) to have him review all my records, track my car and cell with GPS, and any other transparency ideas anyone can come up with. I am DYING to be transparent. He is so hurt now that all he can say is that he doesn't want to be with someone that he has to check up on. In other words, I can't even get him to be interested in the "checking up" that the MB site advocates. My actions were disgusting. But I love my H and want to heal the destruction that I have inflicted.

u233, the best you can do is demonstrate your sincerity and hope that he changes his mind.

It is his prerogative not to want to recover.

Your best bet is to do what the vets are telling you to do. Even then your H may not want to continue.

This happened only a few days ago. Your H may simply need some time.

You mentioned that you saw the OM a few days ago and that there has been physical contact between the two of you during your false R. What was the nature of your contact with the OM since your H originally discovered the A? Has the A basically been ongoing, or was the contact just work related? I guess what I'm asking is, whenever you saw the OM over the past few months, were you still being intimate with him or engaging in any sort of inappropriate contact?

Any contact whatsoever would have been inappropriate.

True, Melody, but she works with the OM and her H knew this, so I assume he knew there was the possibility of work-related contact. I just want to know if she's had any other sort of contact with the OM.

That should have been a deal breaker too. Work related contact is contact and would be grounds for divorce.

I think H is just too dazed right now to think about much. Knowing about contact and saying something are two different things...

Above is what u233 said about the contact. And whether it was work related or not, it sounds like the husband understands that both are an unacceptable breach of contact. Work related contact is still contact.

I agree, but apparently, her H was accepting of the fact that she didn't quit her job when he first found out about the A, even though he knew about MB.

I am not following your point.

Yes, sickeningly. I understand that he has grounds for divorce and that I have treated him in a way that is unforgiveable. But, I am visiting this site in an attempt to avoid divorce. From the posts that I have read, divorce avoidance seems to be the second goal of this website and forum. The first goal seems to be the avoidance of hurting your spouse and family. I am trying for both goals.