Its been about 6 1/2 weeks since D-Day. Really struggling. WH admits to saying I love up all the way up until he was caught. I talked to the OW and I asked her point blank if she thought/think they are in love. She said yes.

I'm stuck on this: how can my husband, who had a three year long affair, both emotional and physical, who has fallen in love with this woman and said the words "I love you", want to stay with me? How can he possibly put that relationship aside, end it so abruptly, and tell me that he only wants me? He didn't want me for the last three years. There was no plan to end the affair and whe was caught by the OW's husband, who then called me.

We have been in therapy about 8 times and I'm desperately trying to figure things out. Can we make it? Im not sure I can do it.

im,
let us know some details.
How old are you and your H?
1st M for both of you? kids?
I am a survivor of a 5 year A by my H. He thought he was completely in love with her, nevermind our 30 year history and three children, and nevermind that she wasn't interested in leaving her own M. And it was his 2d A.
They can and do change, so what you see now is not real. He is an alien, under the influence, and completely insane. You do not need to be insane, you need a plan.

I'm not an expert (only 6 months out myself) but my H said something that really stuck with me and I'm going to share it with you, I hope it helps make sense of the unsenseable (I know not a word, I made it up). He said when I asked him the same question about this "Love" and we had the added issue that sex between them was horrible yet the OW told be it was the best she had ever had...Huh?

He said when you are cheating you need to justify it in your mind so you say and do things that are not true. Think of it this way, could your husband had carried on that long saying..."well I like her alright, she is a nice friend". To make their fantasy real they have to make believe things like love and great sex and this is forever.

I had such a hard time with his e-mails to her, filled with I love you's and when we spend the rest of our lives together...Hello remember me, your wife you are making plans with...No he didn't only when I would get in his way of contacting her.

It isn't real, his love for you is. JMHO

Reyna

Dear Imstrong,

Right now, your H is foggy, insane, alien, you name it, his actions and words don't match, they contradict in every aspect. His words are not true and his actions prove it. Even if you want to believe that he loves you, stay calm and don't jump to conclusions, because you will hear many variations on subject Love... "I love you; I don't love you; I have always loved you; I have never loved you; There is no love left between us; there has always been love between us" are just few examples.

I would suggest that you read one of the notable posts here by Bob_Pure, which is for the betrayed spouses. My H once said that this helped him a lot, as he was BS.

Bob_Pure Toolkit for BS

It is, of course, very individual and everyone has its own experience to talk about, but I was wayward, an alien as it is said, and I started practising MB quite shortly after D-Day, and it was like 3-4 months after the D-Day, when I could honestly and truly feel that I loved my H. And this love is quite different from all the "love" I felt for him during the dark times.

imstrong, heroin addicts also feel like they are "in love" with heroin when they are high on the drug. It is the same thing with affairs. It is an addictive high. The important thing to understand is that your husband CAN fall in love with you if all contact with the OW ends. And his love affair with you is sustainable; his affair with the OW is not.

The biggest issue you will have is the fact that they work together because your marriage cannot recover unless all contact ends. Is there any plan to change that?

imstrong, there is nothing magical about his supposed love for OW. Romantic love is created when you allow someone to meet your top emotional needs. The chemical reaction in his brain made him feel like he was "in love." It is not a special connection he had with her. Anyone, including you, could feel in love with someone else if they allow someone else to fill their emotional needs. That doesn't make it special or magical. It is just that you (and other committed spouses) have personal boundaries and protections of their marriage that prevented this for yourselves.

Why would they force themselves to think that sex was great and that they are in love? My H told me after his first A that yes, sex with OW was great and that yes he felt a strong pang in his heart everytime he saw her. He thought that was love.
I guess he had to go for it again and for the great sex again in his second A.
Guys, if the sex was not good and the feelings were not strong they would not bother. It is the intensity of the sex and the love pang that gives them the addiction type of behavior.
We can tell ourselves all the little stories that we like, but the reality is...their is a strong component of sex and love in A. We know it is not healty and we know it might not last...but IT IS there. Why deny it?
blessing

Imstrong,

On the substance of your question, yes, it's possible that he could have professed love for his OW and yet now recognizes he loves & wants/prefers to spend the rest of his life with you. Having said this, I also think it's too soon for you to be assured of how he feels about you, and after 3 years' waywardness, you're right to be skeptical, and to base your evaluation of him on his actions, not his words.

Suggestion: Ask one of the forum moderators to please combine your different threads. You can post successive questions on the same thread, and this makes it easier for people here to catch up with your story & the background you've provided elsewhere, so as to be better-able to offer you relevant advice.

I saw MrsW (if it wasn't you I am sorry) state to someone that it was "in love" feelings that were not based in reality.

Not that the feelings themselves aren't felt, they are REAL but since they aren't based in reality then they don't last. As long as the affair is going on, or the WS is foggy the feelings will seem "real".

imstrong- the feelings your WH and you shared were based on reality and thus long lasting. I believe WH would be able to get those feelings back for you, and you for him, if you follow the plan for recovery outlined by Dr H.

As far as how could he want to stay with you after having not wanted you for the past three years, it is simple. He was cake-eating, as it is affectionately called around these parts.

The real question you have to answer for yourself right now is, "What do you want to do?" If you want to R your M, then there are many people here who can help guide you through the process.

Well said !! You hit the nail on the head.
Love is something you FEEL When your EN's are being met. Where ever your EN's are being met from you feel love from that source.
If the 2 of you commit to meeting each others EN's exclusively then the Love will be shared between the 2 of you replacing any other past "love" feeling.