I don't know how to combine my threads so here's my story in a nutshell.

8 yrs ago - WH at A with my bf. We R and were doing good.

2007 - Unexpected pregnancy late in life. WH didn't deal w/it well.

Nov. 2008 - WH dad died without much notice. WH started going to bar and drinking regularly.

Dec. 2008 - I received letter that WH was having A w/bartender at local bar. He denied. I believe there was no PA or EA prior to this but was an inappropriate friendship with her (too friendly and told me nothing about her)

Jan 2009 - WH refused to stop going to the bar and I caught him kissing her at bar after it was closed. He was unapologetic. Said people needed to leave him alone and let him deal w/dads death. I made the decision to move a couple of blocks away for us to have a 'breather' Things were so intense and was not good for kids to be around. I told him I was moving out but we were to remain faithful to one another and work on our marriage.

March 2009 - I moved out. Continued to see him daily. Tried getting things worked out. Found out he was going out late at night. Found out he hung out till 3 am with OW and another couple 2 wks after I moved. Told him I could not deal with him having contact w/her and if thats what he was going to do it would lead to D. He continued to go out and lie about it to me.

April - caught her in my bed. I filed for divorce. He begged for another chance.

May - delayed divorce to go to IC

May - Sept. He continued to lie to me and have contact with her. I believe they had a full blown relationship during this time.

Sept. - started Divorce back up. He 'held gun to his head' and begged me for another chance. I stalled D again.

Sept - Nov - he continued to have contact with her. He claimed it was nothing more than friends. (He would go to the bar late at night and hang out w/her. He went there after everyone else was gone and stay with her till late)

Dec- said he was tired of playing games and paying my utility bills (court order) and gave me till the end of Jan to make up my mind on our marriage.

Dec - present - most of the time being nice and acting like I wished he would have a long time ago. Still not showing 100% ownership of what he did. Still wants to blame circumstances to some extent. But claims he wants me and his family back and wants to do what it takes to make it work.


I told him the other night the conditions to have a true R put in place. I don't know why I put myself thru this. I went back tonight to talk to him about the 'demands' I put on him if he wanted our relationship to work.
He says my demands are not fair. That it is obvious that I don't love him anymore. He says I am not doing anything productive to get our marriage back on track. I need to move back into the house before he can prove to me I can trust him and see that he is truly sorry for what he did.

I told him I was not moving the kids back into the house under the current conditions. I am angry. I admit I do yell at him. When he wants to talk about his needs or how I am not handling the whole affair and R 'properly' it is like fingernails going down a chalkboard and I explode!

I know what he is so angry about with the demands I made. I told him I would not be in a marriage or live in a house where pot is smoked. I told him I have done it for 14 yrs and I am tired of it. I am tired of the fights it has caused, the lies I have to tell, the odors I have to cover up, the guests I can't have for fear they might smell it. And that him having the affair does put me at an advantage to make certain demands. Also, living apart has made me realize just how much I hated living under the conditions I was before.

He said I was not being fair to him. That I have no love or compassion for him.

Am I being unreasonable? I did 'accept' it before. Although I tried in vain to get it out of my house. I also told him that after the first affair, I realized he was selling it to out of our home and I made the demand that he not sell it anymore. Well, during this A I found out he never stopped selling it, he just reduced the amount of customers to a few to pay for what he smoked. I told him it made me feel like promises were broken before and gives me little hope that these promises will be kept.

I left telling him I was not forcing him to quit anything he didn't want to. I was not going to force my beliefs on him, moral or religious. I told him I was choosing that I was not going to live with these things in my life any more.

Did I do any good. I am trying to hold my ground but he makes me feel like a complete [censored].
He did say that I was only thinking the grass is greener on the other side. But when I decide to go there I would be in for a rude awakening and realize how good I had it with him and wished I could go back.But it would be to late because he would hate me once I decided to divorce him.

I know my 'demands' are hard. I know that I don't want the man that hurt me back. I love him but the hurt he has caused me is so great and I am not going to put myself back into a situation that I feel is unsafe. I want to be happy, healthy, and live life. I am tired of being angry and hurt. I don't want to go back to the life I lived a year ago.

Am I wrong to throw away my 14 year relationship away because he won't quit doing the drugs he has done since before I knew him? Am I asking to much from him? He makes me feel like our marriage comes down to the issue of pot. I don't feel like that is it though. I think it comes down to trust, respect, and love. I feel like as long as he as things in his life he has to keep secrets about he will find a way to justify other secrets, that if he continues to do things that hurt me, he doesn't respect me, and if he can't live his life w/o pot than he loves it more than me. I want to be valued. I feel valued only if I meet his needs.

He77 no, you aren't being unreasonable. There could be many conditions that led to his adultery, and you have every right to require that those conditions change in order to stay M. It is not like you are asking him to do something in a vengeful way that serves no purpose (like standing on the corner with a sign saying that he's a cheater). You are trying to protect your M and protect your children from him. Sounds like he is nowhere near committed right now...

It is perfectly reasonable and it is the RIGHT thing to do for you to place a boundary on drug use.

Set the bar high and see what your H is willing to do to build your new M.

You telling him..


..is possibly not the best way of setting the bar high though.

You are demanding that he stops smoking pot in your home because it is wrong for him to do that.

Giving him even an inkling that you are making the demand as a punishment for his A is not IMVHO a constructive way to convince someone to change behaviour.

He needs to understand that you are making this stand not as a way to punish him but because you now believe that smoking pot is wrong.

OKAY, All I had to do was read your thread title and nothing else to answer "No"

I think that as a BS, we have the right to set the bar for R HIGH. Just because you accepted something in the past, doesn't mean you have to accept it any longer, especially if you believe that it helped lead to the A in the first place. You are protecting yourself and your children and that is a good thing.

You aren't asking him to do anything that is outlandish. If your conditions(I would avoid using the word DEMAND) had nothing to do with creating a safe environment for yourself, your children and your marriage, they would be ridiculous, but they are not.

You should write a list of conditions that he has to meet for you to move home, and don't waver. Then you could have another list of things he would have to do to be worthy of staying married to you.

I have a short list of things that my WH would have to do to have contact with me again and then another much longer list in the event that he wanted to reconcile.

BE STRONG, you can do this.

EXACTLY.

Also, I believe that, if he is selling drugs from your home and gets caught, your assets could be seized.

Do NOT lower your standards, or you will be where I'm still at today...with an un-remorseful, entitled, wayward-minded (even though he's not cheating NOW) that I cannot financially afford to leave.

Your WH is nowhere NEAR remorseful and is full of selfish entitlement.

I would tell him, "You can do whatever you want to do, but if you want me to live with you and rebuild our marriage, these conditions will have to be met."

Keep your boundaries to keep your family safe.

Your H is dual addicted to both the A and the drugs/drinking.

If your house gets raided your kids will be removed from the house. period. Do you want that.

Do a NC letter. In it express your love for H and that you value your M. Ask for MC with the Hartleys.

Your H is trying to guilt you for HIS bad behavior. Do not let it happen. He is a cake eater.

Let's examine this:



Are you wrong for wanting a non-addict husband?
NO.




You are asking him to become healthy before you continue your marriage.
Does this sound wrong to you?
Not to me.



I think, illegal drug use is an appropriate place for you to take a stand.

I took a stand on my H's alcoholism, a legal drug!



Feelings won't help you right now.
Feelings have no IQ or morality.
Use your brain!
Use logic !
Use your common sense.


Never trust an active addict.
I never respect illegal drug use. Do you?
Love, in the sense that you are using, is a feeling. Without IQ, logic, or common sense.
Love, mature love, is a verb. It means acting toward your love object in ways that lift and elevate your love to a higher level.
Right now, your WH loves the way his illegal drugs makes him feel.



Huh?
He's an addict.
That's what ALL addicts do.
They blame shift.
They play victim.
They "boo-hoo"
They find a way to make their lousy choices someone else's responsibility.



Value yourself.
Value your choices.
You cannot rely on measuring your value via a person who is addicted to illegal drugs.

I think, you should refer to his pot use as his ILLEGAL DRUG use.
It drives it home more in your brain.
"Pot" sounds like a cooking tool.

HE IS ADDICTED TO ILLEGAL DRUGS.

He showed up in the morning to tell me the OW called him several times starting at 5 am. Said she would not say anything, just hang up after a minute, then call and do it again a little later. He wanted to know if I had tried contacting her. Uh, no....I don't want to talk to her. I actually wasn't mad, wasn't shocked. He said she probably realizes I haven't moved back in and thinks she might have a chance. It almost sounded like a threat, but I surprisingly don't care. He continued to say I wasn't fair on the conditions I set. Blah,blah, blah....

He then showed back up last night unexpectedly. Me and our daughter had been having good conversation (she's 14 and I treasure the times she 'wants' to talk to me). Our 2 yr old was playing and being a sweetheart. It was a good time. He came in and didn't speak to any of us. He finally asked if I was going to talk to him or continue ignoring him. I told him he was more than welcome to participate in the family time. He didn't. He asked why I didn't find 'time' for us in January (dates, etc) That Dr Harley says '15 hours a week'. All I could think was, 'We spent way more than 15 hrs alone each week, but all we could do was argue about the affair and you not being happy'. Smart [censored] thought I know. But the way I seen it, he had the perfect opportunity to make a good impression on me and the kids last night by being an active participant. My daughter even asked me if she could let her dad have it for pouting!

After he made his complaints known, he got a call from his buddy and left. He had made plans yesterday to see his friend from out of town. That was totally fine to me, but why the heck would he feel it productive to come over with that attitude?

Crazy,

I know exactly how you feel and you are not "crazy." Thank you so much for posting your experiences with this addiction. Be strong and take a stand. You have every right to protect your family even if the enemy comes from within.

Thank you to those that have offered advice.

He keeps telling me he wants us back in his life. That he loves me and will do whatever it takes but I am asking for a lot. He says most of the things on my list he is willing or has already met. He feels I am just afraid he will meet them but still wont be happy. I don't know, maybe its true. Why is it I can't make up my mind? He came over looking and acting like a broken man. He says I can't see all the remorse and feel it b/c I am not living with him, that I need to be with him to see it and feel it. Is this true? Here is the letter he wrote to me. What is your opinion?

I know that you haven't felt like I have remorse for what I have done. I don't know all the answers to help you. Let me tell you I see more and more of the pain I have caused you. This makes me ashamed to be alive. I know I have let you, your family, my family and our family down. I wish I could change all that I have done. It kills me to see the hurt on your face. I hope in time I will be able to put a smile on your face to replace all that pain. This whole past year has been the worst ever in my life. I know my dad must be totally ashamed of me and my actions, this tears at my heart just like it does when I look at you. I may never understand why I have done what I have. I am trying but if I don't know myself then it makes it nearly impossible to tell you like you ask. I keep looking for the reasons why but everything I come up with just feels like another excuse and I know there is no excuse that could ever be good enough.

I know you are looking for change in me. Any change is hard but I also know I have needed changes for many years. I will continue to do my best to show you that I am trying to make those changes. I also see that all of this has changed you, I understand why that is, but it does worry me that to many changes in either of us to fast might cause issues so I think we must be very careful. If you give me a chance I am sure you will see positive change. We both will forever continue to grow and mature in our relationship. I feel it would be good for everyone for us to be married and happy. I feel we both have a lot to gain by being married to each other. I definitely know our two kids will benefit by that. I feel any other choice would be selfish on our part. The sooner we all live together it will help the kids, even if we are not 100% there are ways to make that work for them and us. I don't know what all it will take or how long to make this up to you and the kids but I am determined to keep trying very hard. Sometimes I feel I'm getting on the right track then your hurt and anger comes out and I feel frustrated that I can't make it happen fast enough or good enough for you. I know I'm struggling. Just can't believe I let this all happen, now I'm lost but I'm trying. Hopefully you will look close and see there's alot of good left in me. I want to show you there is something left in me you can be proud of again. I truly love you and the kids dearly and miss all of you just as much.

Please come home!
I love you very much!

Not ignoring your comments, they have been very helpful. Just want to get others opinions. It helps me to vent and tell my story. Many of you have gave me great insight and many other ways to look and evalute the situation.

Thank you for all your advice. I do appreciate them Pepperband.

Here is another opinion you can ignore.

You have gotten great advice from all who have posted but particularly Pep. She KNOWS what she is talking about.

You seem to be as addicted as your H. His is drugs, yours is drama. He has cheated on you for years. He has used and SOLD drugs out of your house for years. These actions have endangered your life (STD's, drug culture, etc) and your children's. And yet you overlook it and wonder "Have I demanded too much?" Are you unfair? I will tell you life is not fair, it never was and never will be. I will also tell you essentially what Pep said but in a different way.

Dr. Harley will NOT counsel anyone about their marriage if there are active addiction in place on the part of either party. He knows the traits of an addict and they are not compatible with rebuilding and restoring a good and productive marriage. Now tell me are you being unfair?

So let's have a look at your H's letter. He said

Translation: What is your problem? yes I cheated and used drugs for years, but can't you tell how much pain I am in? Yes, it kills me to see you hurt, because that means I have a harder time having my cake (you taking care of me) and my affairs and drugs. Yes, I have had affairs covering a good bit of our marriage, but really it wasn't meant to hurt you although I know you knew. And you should cut me some slack because this last year has been bad for me. You should take pity on me because of all of the pain I am in.






BUt if I could come up with a good excuse I sure would. But the good news is since I don't understand what I am doing, and why I do it, I am not accountable for what I have done, and therefore don't really need an excuse. But, trust me I am going to fix everything I don't understand or cannot control so that I won't do, "whatever it is" again. Trust me on this.




Translation: I don't really want to change. I have no plan to change or any plans that would lead to change. And HEy you have changed and in my opinion not for the better you are so "judgemental and unfair" expecting me to actually change and do it sooooo fast. I mean it has only been YEARS since I knew I needed to change and a guy cannot be expected to change too fast you know, it is bad for the digestion and stuff.





Translation: Ok, maybe my approach isn't working so good. So how about a little sympathy here? I mean it is in everyones best interest if you accept me as I am and I'll try not to get busted for selling drugs, or lose everything to the feds, or really teach my kids how good drugs really are and they should try some. I mean I am not a bad guy, you just don't understand me very well. I want nothing but the best for...ME.



Translation: Ok, my case is a little weak but really this is all your fault. You shouldn't have gotten mad at my affairs or my lying, or my drug use. I'm struggling here because you just will NOT cut me some slack and I am dancing as fast as I can to get you to forgive me and let us go back to the way things were. My having affairs, doing drugs, and you forgiving me. I really miss those "good" times you know.


Crazy all I want to know is: Are you Crazy or what? You have young children and teenager and you have allowed them to be around a pot smoking drug dealer who cheats on you constantly. Do you think all this hasn't affect them? If you do you are NUTS! If you don't think it hasn't effected you, you are NUTS.

Get the heck out of this marriage...NOW! If and when he actually cleans up, goes straight, and shows he should even be around the children a little bit, then you might consider some sort of a relationship with him.

In case you haven't figure out this one fact let me YELL IT AT YOU.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE AND YOU SURELY CANNOT CHANGE A DRUG ADDICT.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

This is like 2M2L all over again.

You refuse to believe that there is nothing you can do to change your WH.

So what do you do?

You bury your head in the sand and continue to try and find ways to get around what you have to do.

Your children are not going to look up to you. Why? Because they are seeing that you refuse to protect them from someone like your WH who endangers them daily with these drug habits!

I thank all of you for your advice. I do take it to heart and it is helping me. I have been told by many they see me getting stronger and stronger.

I seen him for a few minutes this am. and he showed me a list. Said he just wanted me to look at it and asked if we could talk later when he was finished with it. I looked at it and these are some of my thoughts

1. this is a list of your conditions, what you are willing to do. You don't get to make list!

2. Even though most of them were the same as mine, where are the one's about smoking pot? You trying to negotiate that?

3. There is no mention of telling me who knew about your relationship w/the OW. uhmmmm? wonder why?

There are more but like I said it was a brief meeting. I have a few 'thoughts' floating in my head.

1. If he agreed to not sell pot and only smoke it occasionally (out in our detached garage away from us)is that something to consider living with to save our marriage if he did EVERYTHING else? I don't like it, don't agree with doing it but I do know there are a lot of people that do live like that?

2. He doesn't want to tell me who knew about the relationship because it would prove it was way more than he ever told me.(Wants to play it off as not being much more than sex a couple of times) Plus, it would show just how low he was.(If I knew the truth, I would be more ashamed to show my face in town than I am now). Third, I know he took her over to a guy we took in when he was a teenager, the same one that considered us his 'parents'. When I found out the kid did this, I said I was done with him and wanted nothing more to do with him (This hurt so much b/c I did consider him family too, and thought this was one of the lowest things he could have ever done to me) and he is afraid he might lose some friends if he tells me.

Do any of my thoughts make sense? Any other viewpoints?

A better solution would be to call the police if he ever smokes pot or you ever find pot in your house and have him arrested. Sitting in jail for a few days would be very good for him. Also, when he is convicted, the judge will make him come in on a regular basis for drug testing and if he fails the test, he would go back to jail. That would be the best thing for him.

I haven't read your entire thread, but if your husband is a drug addict, he needs to recover from his drug abuse FIRST before you even attempt to work on your marriage. It is impossible to meet the needs of an addict, so all your efforts will be for naught until he gives up the dope.

crazy, just like penicillin is the antidote to diseases, jail is the antidote to drug use and drug dealing. That is the BEST MEDICINE for your husband. Since he is out of control, let the legal system bring him into line.

So, go buy some soap on a rope and call the police!