Sometimes the WS does come to you and tell you they are ready to reconcile. Other times the BS picks up clues, and tells the WS they think it's time to talk.

You have to watch what she is doing from week to week.

I hope YOU are doing OK, no matter how she is.

What do you think?

SS

Hi all. Been a while.

Things have been up and down for me the past few weeks but lately WW and I have had some real issues about treatment fo the kids. Without going into alot of detail Plan B has been busted on occasion and again last night.

I have the kids on Monday and Wed eves and I'm supposed to bring the home by 8PM. However, since Plan B went into effect I would pick them up @ home and she's supposed to pick them up @ my place at 8. If she didn't want to pick them up then they stay the night and I bring them home on my way to work.

Since plan B started, 16 Nov, they've been pretty much staying most of those nights. More their choice than WWs. But last night DS9 wanted WW to pick him up so they could spend sometime together before he had to go to bed and DS7 wanted to stay with me. Long story short WW said she would pick him up @ 8. At about 7:30 WW calls him and tells him she can't. She went out to dinner with "friends" and they were running lat. DS9 started crying and lost it. He and WW actually got into a screaming match over the phone and DS9 HUNG UP ON HER!

After calming him down and a little talk on showing disrespect for his mom, I called WW and calmly asked her what her priorities were and why she felt she had to get into an argument with a nine year old? After some brief execuses about friends being late she said her kids are her priority. To which I responded So then why aren't you here? and hung up.

I certainly feel I have to stand up to her when it comes to the kids and she was certainly going to know about how it took nearly 30 minutes to calm him down and how he spewed out that his mom doesn't care and all she wants to do is hang out with her friends and talk on the phone all night. LBs from me?

Well this am after I dropped the boys off and WW calls me on my way to work. In a nutshell she actually brought up counseling for the first time since we've separated. I asked what kind of counseling was she refering to? Therapy for her or marriage. She said marriage. I said I know of a counselor who has a unique technique and that if she was serious I could schedule. She actually said OK. Then I think I may have made a mistake. I said that she had to NC with OMs before we do that. She said i know and have a good day.

OK I know I broke PlanB but it actually may (big may) have been productive. Question I have is should i schedule a consult with the Harley's for us even though she may be still seeing OM? Could this be the start of a road back? When in recovery certainly no contact with OM but what about at this early stage?

Thoughts?

I think it's a toss up as to whether Steve Harley can get thru to a WS who is still in contact with AP. In my case it didn't work but my WH is a serial cheater. If your wife prior to her A had good solid character and integrity, it may be worth the $. He could turn her around.

In the 10 years we were married she seemed to be pretty stable, honest and dependable. That all changed 18 months ago. Since then she's been with 3 different men and possibly 4. Given that I know it's a long shot but based on info here and other sights I've visited not at all impossible.

That is a lot of $ to invest in a not so sure thing. I'm sorry you're in this sitch. BTDT.....

With a good history, small children involved, you could not stop me from making the call! MUCH cheaper than a divorce.

Stay strong... get her on the phone. Eitherway, you'll not regret it!

I think she sounds receptive to the idea of getting rid of OM -- so I think Steve or Jennifer could be very successful in solidifying the reasons OM must be gone permanently.

I think its RARE for a ws to transform / fog-clear immediately and have full and complete remorse. It happens in stages. So please use whatever tools you can to help that happen.

Oh sorry I thought you said "not possible" but you said "not impossible". So yes go for it!

Thanks all. I've sent an email to MB for Jennifers take on whether it's a good idea.

I don't know if it's just me but now that there may be a glimmer of hope that WW is considering counseling I'm filled with mixed emotions. Will this be a false recovery? Is it what i really want? Seems I really felt it was but now I have mixed feelings of fear, hope, doubt and joy at the same time. Kinda like pre-wedding jitters. Anybody else experience this when faced with the possibility of recovery after being in hell for so long?

Bumping this for some feed back if any could. Guess the way I feel has alot to do with all the uncertainty. Haven't heard back from Jen yet or WW.

Was reading AMs post and got through about half of it and the posts regarding her kids really got to me. WW really has no idea or cares not to have any idea about the effects on DSs. I could kick myself in the a$$ for ever moving out thinking at the time that it would just make things easier for the boys because WWs was making it so difficult to stay there. Don't remember who said it on this forum before but i was really in Plan Doormat (DM?;-)).

Right now I just feel saddened and am inthat "doubt this will ever work" mindset.

In spite of events from yesterday I'm still pressing on refinancing in order to buy WW out of the house. It has taken some creative financing but thimngs are looking good. Haven't decided what my next step will be after that other than moving in. I've drafted up a notification letter to WW informing her of the buy out. I've worded it so that it reads like a legal document and it left me feeling somewhat saddened because it felt so impersonal and detached. Hate feeling like I'm forced into this. Oh well.

Hey guys. Lookin for some feedback on my last two posts. Feelin jilted ;-)

You do not want a false R. YOu want your WS to want to come back to the M. She will have to be willing to take all the measures you and the Harleys are going to impose on her. Otherwise, if not, it will be a false R and you will suffer.
Be strong.
blessing

IIWY I would move forward as though you're separating for good; that way, no matter what happens, you're protecting your family. She doesn't deserve your trust yet. And you can always get together later.

Things did not pan out as I had hoped. WW did not attend my session with Jennifer and to date she has not gotten back to me.

Had to retain an attorney and WW will get a letter this week trying to compell her to meet with me and our mediator to make any changes to the separation agreement before it gets filed. However, she will not contact him to schedule. As far as I can tell she still does not want to get divorced but I'm sure it's for very selfish reasons (cake eating). I don't want it either but I feel like I have no choice because I my app for re-financing the house is on hold until i can come up with a court ordered settlement.

DS9 10th birthday coming up and WW plans on having a party at a local fun zone. How do I deal with this? I don't want to miss his b-day party but it's her weekend with the boys and I know i was invited at one point. After this week though I'm sure I'll get uninvited. Any advice on this one would be sincerely appreciated.

Melody

Hope you come over to read this post.

After reading your replies and the replies of others to Eds thread and explaining your position on my post to his thread I can understand now why you feel the way you do.

His situation seems very much like mine although WW hasn't demonstrated any previous waywardness until our separation. She was also a very loving and caring mother prior to her waywardness.

Like FredinVA I also live in VA where there is no legal separation but a couple has to be separated for 1 year if you have children before you can file for D. The sep doc is not filed with the courts until that year is up and does not become court ordered until it is reveiwed and decreed by a judge.

I have been in plan b since mid nov but NC has been broken by both of us (I guess if you look at because I allowed her to contact me it's been pretty much broken by me) several times. It's just dang difficult in my case not to because we do not have an intermediary. The one's we've had either can't understand the MB system or have been sabotaged by WW. Given that when it comes to the kids it's difficult not to have contact and then when we do she can push my buttons and things just deteriorate from there.

I have retained an attorney and she has received a letter from her that, in a nut shell, explains I don't want to use attorney's but I will if I can't get her to sit with ourr mediator (atty type) and get our papers filed. Since he is a mediator he cannot file the sep agrmnt if we both don't agree.

WW has been dragging here feet and has told me on several occassions that she does not want D. At the same time she shows no signs of reconcilliation either. The OM she is currently with is #3 and she has been seeing him since at least late Oct. We had what was to me a falso recovery in the mid to late summer timeframe even though we were not living together. We were getting along quite well, she had NC with OM 1 or 2, we were dating occassionaly, i was helping her with her studies, we were spending time with the kids and then "bam" OM#3 comes in the picture. This one took me more by surprise than OM#1 did because I felt we were heading inthe right direction.

So here I am today, 1 false recovery and WW with OM3.

In my state, once you've been separated for a year, you can file for a temporary divorce and pull it off the table at any time but it does make the separation a legal document, which in my case has certain financial advantages.

My question Mel, or anybody else that may have an opinion: given the circumstances with WW and her serial cheating post separation (remember VA does not have a legal separation and there is such a thing as post separation adultery, WW believes as FredVA's does, that it's not cheating) should I just file for a final decree or the temporary? I know this may seem like a legal question but really it's not. I am truly torn between the 2 choices. One gives me certain legal rights without actually finalizing it and one finishes it. From an MB perspective how would you deal? All replies welcome and appreciated.

L4, this is just my personal perspective, but I would definitely file for the final decree and move on. You have no reason to have any hope for this situation and really should take steps to protect your interests and those of your children. There is no reason to believe she will change.

My suggestion is to accept your wife how she is and accept that you cannot change her.

I would also go into Plan B and make it work this time. Change the locks, shut her out and don't allow your wife to sabatoge your intermediary.

Good luck, friend.

Thanks Melody. I really do respect your opinion. I hope you weren't offended my me questioning you on Eds thread. I had pretty much made up my mind previously based on FredVA's experince but I didn't want to taint your response with what i was planning.

WW has until Friday to respond to meet with mediator or go the litigation route. Either way the papers are going to get filed for permanent divorce decree. I emailed her this AM and asked that we meet one last time in a quiet public place. Not sure why I feel compelled to do this because like you said the evidence is just not there to hold any hope. Guess it's just a last ditch effort to get some closure. In any case her response was that since I've consulted an attorney she will do the same. I responded with "OK. Need to know by Friday if you want to meet with mediator."

That being said after this Friday I guess I'll be heading over to the Divorce/Divorcing thread and in a solid plan B.

Fred, you still posting over there?
Mel/Queenie/Holyheart and others. Thanks for all your caring responses. If you're on the D/D forum I'll see you there.

It's been some time since I've posted. As of yesterday WW should be served within the next 2 weeks. It went back and forth for a while and WW seemed to be considering counseling with Jen once again but I approached that sckeptically and with good reason. A day or two after she was considering I found out she had taken OM#3 to meet her family.

I exposed to her family back when everything first started and they were pretty upset with her but this has been going on so long now that they pretty much have given up any hope of getting her out of the fog.

In anycase, I was reading Krazy's thread and man, I don't agree with his opinion but in my case it's the right thing to do. I still have hope that WW will turn but I don't hang on it as much as I did in the past. I'm moving on and what happens happens. I do not feel like I've wasted my time getting knowledgable of the MB principles and schooled on the advice all the good folks here have to offer. All this will help in the future no matter who I'm with.

I do feel that the time I spent learning these concepts and taking some of the advice, was focused on a person that just plain doesn't care. Whether WW will ever see the effort I put into this is yet to be seen. Perhaps one day, perhaps not. Just doesn't matter at this point does it?

WW got served last night. It wasn'tthe direction I wanted to go in but I felt I was left with very few options. She called this morning and said "BS...you really got me." Her and OM3 apprently broke it off because he didn't understand why she was so upset. (BTW, they just got back from a week long vaca in ST Martin). I said "you know this is not the direction I want to take but I will continue if things don't change." She said she understood and wants to talk this eveining. I said you know what I'm looking for in changes. She said I know.

We ended the conversation with the understanding that we'd talk this eve.

Believe me I'm not setting myself up and will immediately revert to plan B and D if the conversation isn't going in the direction outlined.

Need some advice here. Mel, Queenie, anybody?

Bump. Could use some advice.