A little background, I have been married for seven years, with my husband for ten. I was 45 when we married, first time for both of us, he is eleven years younger than me. I thought we were incredibly happy.

He has never given me any reason to doubt him, I am very insecure because of our ages and I just have never had much confidence on my physical appearance.

Last Friday, my niece and my great niece were visiting, they are at my house constantly, my niece is 36 and going through a very ugly divorce due to repeated infidelity on her part. They were both drinking, more than I thought they should, but we were all, including my seventeen year old great niece, having a good time. I got tired and said I was going to bed; this is not unusual, my husband is a bit of a night owl and they were just all doing their own things on laptops, etc.

The following day my husband said he needed to tell me something. He told me that while he and my niece were outside smoking (not allowed in the house) he made a move on her and she performed oral sex on him, he manually stimulated her. I was stunned. This is with me sleeping down the hall and her daughter 20 feet away where she could have walked out the front door and caught them anytime. They are both sincerely remorseful, I know that, but it doesn't make the hurt or humiliation any less. He has cried and begged, says he doesn't know why, etc, he'll never hurt me again, but that doesn't change the pictures I have in my head everytime I close my eyes or what I dream every time I fall asleep.

These are two people that I love deeply, but I truly don't know if I can stay in this marriage. Adding to the difficulty is that she has two children that I love so much and they have practically lived at my house since their parents started having trouble. They adore my husband. I cannot let them find out about this, they are innocent.

My husband says it has nothing to do with me, we have always had a very active and fulfilling sex life, I've never turned him away and I don't understand. To his credit, he did tell me immediately and he has not tried to use his drunken state as an excuse. I know he wouldn't have done it if he weren't drunk, but that doesn't help. To my mind, I was there, I was available and he chose her and I can't get past that. I've told him I'll try, but I'm beginning to think it can't happen

I would appreciate any thoughts.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation Schatzie.

You probably won't like this but in order to have any chance of a good recovery from this, you will need to exclude your niece and her children from your life.

There must be no contact between your H and your niece. A No Contact letter is needed, and you must keep your eyes open to ensure that no contact is maintained.

She, by your own admission, has committed adultery several times and is dangerous to any marriage.

Buy the books Surviving an Affair, Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs and read the articles here. You will learn a lot. I certainly did.

Again, I am sorry for your pain.

thank you. She is voluntarily staying out of our lives, her kids are a little more difficult because I can't think of a reason to give them that they should lose something else because of their mother's actions. My true concern is with my relationship with my husband. I will try to find some of the readings you recommmended. Right now I am reeling and trying not to have any knee jerk reactions that I can't take back, either.

FWIW, that is truly a horrific story of betrayal. I imagine it hurts a lot.
Some folks get past it, apparently. Many do not and the marriage is forever vitiated. Very much an individual thing.
Best to take your time before deciding on anything permananet, including reconciling. It takes some time to figure out your philosophy about and tolerance for remaining with someone who has betrayed you.
Tyr to get your brain around the concept that this is not about you and anything you may have lacked. know that no spouse is perfect and any imperfections you may have were not a factor. This is a very difficult concept to grasp, as it does seem like a direct rejection of you.
As you read about waywards, though, you will see a theme that they are very flawed, broken people, in general.
Find friends or family in whom you can confide and who can support you. Don't try to go this alone.
Presumably, your H has already made arrangements to be tested for STDs. If not, he should.

So sorry to see you here schatzie. I will add you to my rather extensive list of people I pray for from this site.