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Bump for mel

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Originally Posted By: dsd
MRS.W We are nt in a affair!I am not the OM!!!!!!!! When I met my fiance her ex husband had already moved out of the marital home and had filed for divorce. In a matter of days she and his kids was getting evicted from there home and had to move into the city projects. I do agree that the timing was nt good but I in NO way had anything to do with their divorce. YOU ask if it was ok for you or your OM to come here and save your affair,answer is no .I ask this of you .Is it ok to break your vows and to still act like your married just because mans law says your married,when in gods law you broke your vows of marriage!The web site says this is a marriage builders site and even has a section for dating, divorce as well as others.For many on this site it is black and white because it is mans law or gods law whichever fits them at the time and the ones that see it as a grey area are pushed(forced)of the site by others or a select few. I have been married 1 time and divorced once,we will be married and I plan on it to be forever as I Wont be one that married 3-5 times like some on this site. I am just trying to learn to be a good spouse before the paper(mans law) and when we get married(gods law).Also she has told her ex sorry for the way she treated him when they was married and after the divorce. I am sorry if this thread bothers you as we are different because she never had a OMin her narriage.


dsd,

You got together with her before she was divorced - separated is NOT divorced...filing for divorce is NOT divorced...adultery is adultery - That IS a black and white issue...There are no "degrees of adultery"...You are correct, it would NOT have been appropriate for myself or my adultery partner to have come to the "Surviving An Affair" section of Marriage Builders for help - Why would it be any different for you and your adulteress? It isn't. To argue otherwise is moral relativity at it's finest...

I'm still scratching my head over why you are posting here in the "Surviving An Affair" section at all...You are not a "betrayed spouse", dsd, you are not married...There was no affair, as she was speaking with her rightful husband - It would have been a WONDERFUL thing if their marriage reconciled! I'm sure the children of the marriage would agree...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted By: dsd
I was divorced 4 five yrs. she was seperating from exh and going out w friends as well as starting to date others


And he filed for divorce because she was having AFFAIRS...dsd, it doesn't matter if you were OM #2 or OM #2,000,000...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted By: dsd
when she got her DWI about 2 weeks ago she called her exh to pick her up from jail,he said to her it was time to come home


This is very telling, dsd...It clearly paints a picture of a BS telling their WS that they wish to reconcile...

It's also telling that she called him in a time of trouble...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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She is divorced so there is no rightful husband(mans law). I hope you dont scratch your head to hard or you might dig your hair out! I thought it was fairly evident as to why I was posting on this sight,one theres alot of traffic,two to become a better person and three to make this relationship work. Its to late to turn back time. Iam just here to learn and not judge you or others, as some do. Can you tell me were to look for information that Dr.Harley uses for people that are not married? I want to learn and dont want to have another divorce in the future weather I marry her or not,it could help one have a better relationship with your sign.other, spouse,and daily communications with other.

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dsd,

I would start by getting Dr. Harley's book Buyers, Renters, & Freeloaders...

I think you are signing up for a life of misery by choosing what you are...I pray that book will provide you with clarity and insight...

Lastly, my suggestion to you would be to consider another part of the MB forums to assist you - MB101 perhaps? The "Surviving An Affair" forum is the triage section for married people dealing with the horrible impact of adultery on their marriages...The adulterous origin [and continuance] of your non-marital relationship is not well suited for this particular section, imo...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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dsd YOU can justify and do all the mental gymnastics in the world but facts are facts. She was married and YOU helped her betray her family. Take what YOU are feeling and multiply it by a factor of 1000 to get an idea of what it feels like ot be on the other side.

YOU did that to someone else. YOU only need to read these forums to see what kind of damage YOU have done.

YOU are the enemy. Why would you think any of us would want to help YOU? I hope that both of YOU get your comeuppance soon.

It is the height of arrogance and selfishness to come here and ask people like us to help YOU.


Last edited by BeanCounter2; 02/02/10 03:07 PM.

BH 35
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Found out about EA 12/5/2009
Absolute NC 12/10
beginning recovery
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Thanks,I am trying to learn and again thanks!

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Beanie your post was really helpfull since you are sush a Vet to the forums!

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Originally Posted By: dsd
Beanie your post was really helpfull since you are sush a Vet to the forums!


You don't have to be a forum vet to know the pain your actions cause.


BH 35
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Amen, Bean. Sometimes new BS, Plan Aers , Plan Bers, exposers etc add a fresh new perspective to the agony that we are all dealing/have dealt with. Pain is pain. Yours is new.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Her ex told us one time that he new that they would be divorced, that there wasnt nothing there for them together andit was just a matter of time! He told her that he holds no anger for her. Again I am not trying to justify but I know that he was moved into his appartment and filling before we dated again not the best circumstances. I would do things different now but didnt know what I know now then.

Last edited by dsd; 02/02/10 03:34 PM. Reason: spelling that I noticed,I am sure thers more errors
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Originally Posted By: dsd
Mel can you give me some info were I can find what Dr.Harley recommends for people thay are nt married yet?


Speaking of knowing now what you didn't know then...here's some info NOW that if you follow through with marrying your affair partner and the affair marriage inevitably implodes [most likely she cheats on you with yet another OM or maybe her ex-husband] you CAN NOT say "if I only knew before I married her, what I know now":



Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley
oneoftwo:

I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.


You've been forewarned. What she does WITH YOU she'll do TO YOU.

AND

Under God's Law...once she marries another, her ex-husband will be biblically prohibited from taking her back. He wants her back NOW...he told her "to come home" (which doesn't sound at all like a guy who just up and divorced his wife years ago). It would be best for ALL involved [INCLUDING YOU] if you encouraged her to go back to her husband.

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing.

Mr. W

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Originally Posted By: dsd
Her ex told us one time that he new that they would be divorced, that there wasnt nothing there for them together andit was just a matter of time! He told here that he holds no anger for her. Again I am not trying to justify but I know that he was moved into his appartment and filling before we dated again not the best circumstances. I would do things different now but didnt know what I know now then.


Oh yes, you absolutely ARE trying to justify your actions...Of course it was "just a matter of time", she wouldn't stop having affairs!

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Quote:
"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Matthew 5:32


Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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MrsW with all due respect to you and others I am NOT TRying to justify my actions,truely I am not. We have a little child that was planned and I begged and begged for and we both have children from exs and we both have a child from earlier relationships were there was no marriage. We have this little girl that I want to show what true love is and to grow up with both her parents, our other children did nt get that chance. I was NEVER in love with my ex but my parents pushed me to marry her since I already had a child out of wedlock. Again our other children didnt get the chance to have both parents in their life into adulthood. I feel so strongly that that is the problem with so many children in todays society. I want our child to have this chance if you call that selfish then so be it. I know the other children have paid the price for their parents actions and there is nothing we can do about it now,but to learn and move on and show them what we have learned and to show them what rasing a child should be like with loving parents.

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crybaby <~~~ Me. For all the children who have been damaged by at least two (or more) selfish & irresponsible people who put their needs and desires above the needs of children.

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PEP it truely is sad

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TO ALL, Do people really change or are we all going to be what we have been the rest of our lives,OM,OW,BS?

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MrsW with all due respect to you and others I am NOT TRying to justify my actions,truely I am not.

Yet, you justified your actions in this very thread - by blaming your own parents.


We have a little child that was planned and I begged and begged for

.... while unmarried

and we both have children from exs

... children who have been forced to live with the pain & chaos brought about by your choices and irresponsible, selfish actions

and we both have a child from earlier relationships were there was no marriage.

... children who have been forced to live with the pain & chaos brought about by your choices and irresponsible, selfish actions


We have this little girl

... whose parents never married (sad, shameful, irresponsible)

that I want to show what true love is

... "true love" is not within your grasp. It requires commitment, and consistency, morality, integrity, and responsible decision-making


and to grow up with both her parents, our other children did nt get that chance.

... because of your selfishness and inability to takes vows and keep your promises


I was NEVER in love with my ex

... again, making a baby under such circumstances shows poor judgment, and low character


but my parents pushed me to marry her since I already had a child out of wedlock.

... see - you blame shift here, which is pathetic naughty

Again our other children didnt get the chance to have both parents in their life into adulthood.

... because of your selfishness, lack of moral compass, and attitudes about love, marriage, comitment


I feel so strongly that that is the problem with so many children in todays society.

... a problem you have done your part in perpetuating

I want our child to have this chance if you call that selfish then so be it.

MrRollieEyes

I know the other children have paid the price for their parents actions

... the price for YOUR actions - OWN IT


and there is nothing we can do about it now,but to learn and move on and show them what we have learned and to show them what rasing a child should be like with loving parents.

YOU ARE AN UN MARRIED MAN SAYING THIS - you cannot be serious !!! Nooo

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