The appointments are during the day and unfortunately I am not afforded enough time off. I am involved as much as I can be. All three of my kids are daddy's girls and we hang out a lot. I will be taking my 5 year old out offroading with me this weekend.

As far as my plan A, not so good so far. I told her I needed a NC letter, she said get a life. The defended the guy saying leave the poor guy alone. I get it.

I am doing for myself and giving her enough space to withdraw, but not enough to not meet her EN's. We made love last night and it was great, SF is near top on both our lists, and that is one area of our life we have no problem. I am trying to be as affectionate as I can without smothering and realizing I will not get much in return. I am trying to SHUT UP and be patient. It is so easy to get caught up in her moodiness, but I am making a concentrated effort not to.

She feels a NC letter is silly because she feels she should not put words in a letter about ending an affair if there was no affair, but an EA is still an A. It has only been 3 days since LC, and she tried to C yesterday, so I am not pushing yet.

If she reaches out to him, or continues to, and they start talking again, I will have to go to plan B.

I am trying not to judge and be impatient, but remind myself that 4 years ago I may have put her through worse. If I try to DJ, she is only going to throw that in my face, and that is unproductive.

I love her and know what I want...so I am just going to love her and go after what I want...LOL.

Look forward to more responses. I like being made to think right now. It helps me sort me out. Thanks guys!

Sorry to keep harping on this issue, but I do think it's important. Wouldn't that time be awarded to you under FMLA??

I could apply for FMLA, yes, but then they will use all my vacation time up and then all recreational family time is gone.

They could also start prorating my salary and my usefulness as provider decreases.'

I take off when I have to. I wish the burden did not have to be all on her, but that is the lot given us right now.

Catch 22 really.

Yes, that is true. In my M I am the one that does all the doctor appointments, therapy, research, etc. It is because my job gives me the time flexibility my H's job does not. I work fulltime so it is not easy but we make it work.

That being said it has been 11 years for me to come to a place of acceptance of this being my "lot in life" and accepting that God is working through us and our son in ways we often do not even see. Your WW is only 2 years into being mom to a special child. Acceptance takes time and if she is feeling burdened, her resentment of you and the marriage will increase. So your job is to lighten her load. If you cannot leave work to attend appointments what can you do?

How much help do you give at home? How much hands on child care do you do? Do you listen carefully when she talks about the challenges in dealing with your child? Do you offer to make phone calls or set appointments so she doesn't have to? Are you hands on in researching meds, treatments or therapies or does she do all that?

Are you complimenting her looks, her cooking, how much you appreciate all she does for her family? Do you make the effort to line up a babysitter so you can go out for dinner, a walk or coffee alone together?

How about putting on a romantic movie when the kids go to bed? A candle light dinner or glass or wine?

FF, I do all of that.

I had been trying really hard, but today, the defecation hit the rotary oscillator if you know what I mean.

This just got very complex.

I am on my way home early....in the car...excited for another day of potentially rebuilding and got this text:

YOU THREATENED HIM?!?! YOU F"D UP HUGE! JUST BASED ON PRINCIPLE, IT'S OVER. I'M DONE. I'M FILING FOR DIVORCE AND I AM NOT KIDDING.HAVE A NICE LIFE A-HOLE!

Now wow....whoooaa...I never threatened him. What I said when I called him was that he crossed the line. He said "I know, and hung up.

So I call her and she is SCREAMING AT ME. Just enraged. I tell her I DID NOT THREATEN HIM, and she does not believe me.

So out of desperation I call OM to tell him to straighten this out. He did. He confirmed to her that I did not threaten him.

Then he calls her phone (which I now have because I took it from her, in anger I will admit, because it was the source of her communication and I was letting my emotions take control).

I answer. He starts telling me EVERYTHING. Reading texts to me, that she told him from day one that I already had been served divorce papers and was not living at home, all kinds of things to suck him in. He then apologized. He never meant to come into my marriage, but thought there was not one to come in to. He felt used. That she was using him to get to me. Because SHE had shown me the texts he had sent her, then lied to him and told HIM that I had gotten ahold of the phone somehow.

Now she blames me for everything, even though I know she was the one in the wrong. That she was the one living in fantasy.

Then it got ugly. She told me that if I did not leave, she would call the cops, tell them I beat her so I would get locked up.

So I called them myself. They came, and they said I should leave anyway, but I was not trying to leave my kids.

Then I am about to leave and the tears come. I feel like Dr Doolittle's push me pull me.

Then she says it is all about MY affair, that she cannot forgive me and it makes her angry and she lashes out.

I do not know what to believe. That may be true, but it also may be her playing her get out of jail free card.

Then she tells me she hates me. Then she tells me she loves me. Then she tells me to leave, then she tells me she does not want to be alone.

Guys...is there anything left to get excited about here? Is there anything left to fix?

I still love her, but this has spiraled out of control. When is it time to cut our losses no matter how much it hurts. I am even angry at the fact she is angry at me.

I have been doing my diligence, being there for her.

We are back at ZERO days no contact, but that will probably stick this time since he has threatened to file harassment charges if she bothers him again. She texted him over 20 times yesterday begging him to talk to her, which he would not.

Sad, under better circumstances, he might have made a good friend.

Now I just cannot believe the ugliness that is coming out of my wife's mouth. It is HORRIBLE.

WHAT DO I DO? HELP ME, MY HEAD IS SPINNING OFF!! grumble
I feel deflated, I feel lost, I feel out of fight. She told me she loves me AND hates me...what do you do with that?

She told me that she hates me and I make her miserable, and if she leaves me she will be alone and she does not want to be alone, so she will just accept misery.

I choose better. I choose happiness. If she cannot choose it with me, she will be alone.

I believe in the dream, I want the dream. Someone will love me. Shame it can't be her. Or will it be? How can I help her let go. How can she find it in her heart to forgive after so long?

I am moving out. Or I am not...damn Dr Doolittle.

I have to remember...patience...patience...breathe Jimbo, breathe.

Thanks for once again letting me breathe.

STOP engaging in these crazy battles. Stop getting sucked in! You two are too caught up in the drama of it all to see clearly so you be the logical one and KNOCK IT OFF!

Ok, OM is out of the picture so get going on plan A and DO NOT LEAVE your home. Instead take the bull by the horns and schedule some sessions with Steve Harley. If you can sign up for a MB weekend as well.

I agree. She is having a tantrum because you took the crackpipe away. When she is acting like this, you need to stay calm. Involve yourself with kids, housework, etc.

There is lots of Plan A info around here. I had a list I had made that I had to look at several times a day to keep myself on track. Hang in there.

So after all this happened, we had a very long talk. Things needed to go one way or the other.

By the time all was said and done, it came down to she still needs to forgive me for my A.

During our first year together she kept running back to her ex-boyfriend, and I always waited for her, always forgave her.

I tired to point out some of the similarities. She always tries to point out how early that was in our relationship, but I asked her: Did you not know how much I was in love with you? Were we not trying to have a child together the last time she slept with him?

I wanted her to understand that it hurt just as much...I wanted her to understand that if SHE could change, it would be hypocritical to think I never could. I do not label myself as a cheater...I label myself as a guy who cheated. Those of us that are smart in life learn from their mistakes. I did.

I didn't have this conversation to play tit for tat...but to try and make her understand that we BOTH have hurt the other, that we BOTH have changed, and that we BOTH need to forgive.

The rest of the evening went well.

Yesterday went really well as well. No fighting, no arguing. Our first step now is to learn to get along and at least STOP the love bank withdrawals.

I love her so much, and we have been distant for so long, that my natural inclination is to crawl inside her skin I want to be so close. I know I have to be patient though and not smother her.

I am also trying to communicate, respectfully, when she does things that hurt me since she had pointed out that before, my lack of reaction meant to her that I did not care. I do care, very much.

The OM is out of the picture. That is done. She is using Facebook as her crutch to lesson the withdrawal pain. I have only one problem with that. She is flirting, kinda, with old BF's on the site. She says it is harmless fun and that she needs to feel wanted. That after getting a little older and having 3 kids that she is still desirable. She does not feel validated by me, since she thinks I will want her no matter what (probably true), and she does not feel validated by herself because she does not like herself.

What can I do for her? I told her that behavior did not give me a warm and fuzzy, and she did curb it, but isn't her thought process one that could lead her down this road again? If she is looking for validation elsewhere?

How do I help get her past these self esteem issues?

Thanks all!

Jim,

Continue to act calm and direct. About her crossing healthy marital boundaries by flirting with ex-BFs on FB...

"I see you choosing to play with fire, and you know it's fire. You just experienced how crossing this marital boundary cost our family and marriage. I know you're continuing to play with fire and risk another affair and that you know you can burn this family down by doing so."

Still Withdrawal, Jim...stop jumping ahead to "down the road"...takes a lot of reckoning...you can't get her past anything. Self-esteem means SELF doing/not doing. Only she can build it.

And you will not desire her no matter what. Make that clear. She can end the marriage and your desire for her through her ugly, attacking actions.

She's got to address her own self-image, esteem and respect.

Now, you say you put your marriage first before everything. Yet I don't hear you acting as if it is your number one priority. There is no reason for you to NOT help a little with the appointments...like once or twice a month.

You won't lose your job; you can incorporate time with the other kids into the appointment times, creatively. Not you doing all or nothing. A little.

Because your WW stresses over being the sole person responsible...and you KNOW she creates and builds resentment because of your refusal to change your choices. So you are choosing "no" with your rationale, knowing that your total "no" harms the marriage.

I don't believe you really want to look into her stress and say "tough it out." Think on this...for many of us told ourselves the lie that our marriage came first, and our actions put it second or fourth, time and time again.

Don't buy her self-lies nor your own. You've got to stay in honesty, respect and reality.

LA

PS - Be sure to read the thread that not2fun bumped A Quickstart Guide on Withdrawal Read and not react, Jim. You can do this.

Thanks LA, your advice is always sound.