Hey Everyone

Just struggling at the moment and really needed some advice/shared experience of how do you deal with a certain aspect of an A.

There are a million things that are hard to overcome when your WS has had an A but one that I havent heard much about and I am really curious about is how do you deal with a WS being "Extraordinary" with OP when they have been "ordinary" in marriage.

An example of that is if your a BW and during your marriage you have struggled to get a bunch a flowers occasionally from your WS but then have learned to accept they just arent "flower People" but then find out that during the A the OW got flowers everyday from the WS how do you deal with that when the fog is over and the flowers are still no show?? do you go back to accepting that the WS is just not a flowers person or do you expect to be treated differently and get flowers more often. Its just an example this can be anything from loving text messages to gift or even things your WS told the other person that they have never said to you. How do you deal with that?

I know that the best MB way is to take the high road and just concentrate on the fact that the WS is with you now not the OP but how can you go on being with someone when they act "ordinary" towards you yet you know are capable of being "Extraordinary" when they are in an A??

I am in Plan B and not in R, but what I would have to say about this is that while in an A your WH was not "EXTRAORDINARY" he was out of this world. He was in fantasy land. There were many other things that he did or said that you would NOT want back, I am sure.

If you are in recovery, I believe that you would fill out the EN questionnaire and there is a part in there that you can explain how often and how you would like a certain need to be met. It would have to be done POJA but I think that it wouldn't be a problem to tell him that you need more (INSERT HERE) to get a certain need met.

Thinking of you

Thanks Scotland we are way past that we have had phone coaching filled out EN questionaires, POJA is work in progress as i dont quite get it yet but trying to learn so thats all in hand, problem is FWS is struggling to meet one vital EN however he is in the process of reading up and learning on how to tackle that issue.
What I dont get is how to deal with him in normal mode when I know that with OW he was in great mode?? He took her out for example i never get taken out etc. He is aware of what I need just finds it difficult to meet due to his overcomplicating nature. I just want to know how to stop expecting the "positive changes" a man shows when he with OW to be then replicated or even bettered at home once A is over and life is back to "normal".

I think that's just it. When he is with you, it is REALITY. There are bills to be paid and children to be fed and watered. I mean MY GOD YOU HAVE 4 BOYS. I only have 2 and I feel your PAIN. Only a mother with boys could understand.

When I read the chat log of my WH to POSOW on the keylogger I installed, I was hurt by his falling over her telling her how cute she looked and how she always looks cute. Why did this bother me? Because he hasn't said this to me IN FOREVER. We didn't give eachother gifts anymore, and here he was asking her what she wanted for Christmas(but not too expensive because BW would notice). I know that this goes along with all of the rest of his alien fog.

In a new relationship (NO I DON'T THINK OF AN A AS A RELATIONSHIP, but WS's do), you put on your best face. You do everything to attract that person to you. How many people would have started dating their WS if the day they met us they said, "One day, I will cheat on you and hurt you more than anyone else in your entire life."

My WH is "recreating" our courtship with POSOW. How sick does that make me feel? But I know that it is being done in a fantasy land and anything done there isn't who he really is. Does that help at all?

"An example of that is if your a BW and during your marriage you have struggled to get a bunch a flowers occasionally from your WS but then have learned to accept they just arent "flower People" but then find out that during the A the OW got flowers everyday from the WS how do you deal with that when the fog is over and the flowers are still no show?? do you go back to accepting that the WS is just not a flowers person "

Just wanted clarification, did he do this? I read your entire thread and I can remember you mentioning this concern before. I believe it was about going out to eat or a hotel res. or something like that. I believe your H's explanation was that OW was the one who planned it all out. Can you give some specific examples?

I do agree w/ Scotland (I have read your thread too by the way and think you are doing awesome!), affairs are fantasy. It is an escape, a fantasy world in which you have no responsibilities and you get to be someone else. I have heard of WW's doing sexual things that they had never done with their H and their explanation is usually something like, "That wasn't me..not the real me but a fantasy - I was playing a role". However, if the restaurant/hotel is the only real sitch that you are comparing it to...maybe you can accept H's explanation as truth. Maybe OW really did plan it all out, even if H payed for it..or made the arrangements, she could have persuaded or suggested it.

Never doubt the power of female persuasion. I have a feeling that if you were to be very *persuasive* while dropping hints and suggestions..you may be able to get him to do some of the things you hope.

strange thing is that an A in my opinion is harder than a Marriage because of all the secrecy guilt etc, yes im sure there are fun bits to it but then there are fun bits in marriage. Why is it that a FWS cannot get fogged up with a BS in marriage and act as loving and caring as he does when fogged up in an A?? There are Reality issues in both scenarios so why does the BS loose out in that equasion. This isnt just relevant to my issues I have read many posts on here asking and getting upset about the same things like texting OW when never Texting loving BS after A is dealt with etc. For us BS who know details of convos or actions during an A its hard to get over the "are we second choice" feeling and was wondering how the people who have overcome this did so. What positve thoughts carry you through those nagging days etc??

HL no hun I havent got issues with flowers it was just an example of something that a WS might do with OW but not with BS.

I have read many examples about WS giving jewellery, vacations and similar things to OW but never bother with BS even whey they get back from fantasy land.

In my case WS took OW out, made effort to sort out time off at work etc to spend time with her and most annoying of it all just went the extra mile even though by his own admission he did not like her company as all she talked about was hersel etc (he said that even in fogged state so must be true lol). Even effort in higene or looking after himself little things like that, when it comes to me there are a million excuses but whith OW despite the million obsticals there were always solutions rather than problems. Its frustrating. And PS he is the one who brought up the hotel idea and she booked and paid for it and he reimbursed her so it wasnt her idea it was his, thats how i caught him i looked up his google history and he was researching hotels and i knew it wasnt for me.

I can TOTALLY relate. WH used to say that jewelry was a waste of money so he only bought me jewelry twice -- my wedding ring and a 10-year anniversary ring. OW likes Tiffany jewelry, and WH has bought her many items over the past two years.

Makes me SICK!!

I beleive their is an article by Dr. H somewhere explaining the fantasy of an affair and the roles people take on. I will look for it. In the meantime, could you think of any other examples of him being extraordinary in the affair besides the hotel dinner night?

One particual example is that he sat in his car in the freezing winter cold with her and just talked about stuff night after nigth after night (again remember the comment about not liking her company etc so confused by the dedication) talked and drank and just was "there". with me he falls asleep and just is not "there" whatever we are talking about. He text her 600 times in one month saying soppy things all i get is how are the kids. He overcame his insecurities overcomplicated brain and just "did" whatever she asked wanted or even hinted at. even if i spell something out for him he still doesent seem to care enough to do it. So its attitude changes and actions im weirded out by. Would you rather be the fantasy that gets treated like a princess or the reality that is a modern day cinderalla?? Why cant these men make their wives a fantasy for a change??

I hear your frustration and I am sure you know that you cannot change him. You can only work on your half of the marriage, if you are the best *you* that you can be...hopefully he will follow suit. This is a really common thing in affairs though, the WS gets caught up in the fantasy of the affair and the moment and they are playing a role. That is why exposure works so well, it kills the fantasy. Then, it is just real life...not so fun anymore. Have you read any of the articles SH wrote on Coping w/ Infidelity? There are a few that may help. Here is a portion of one that refers to obsessive thinking. I think this may be where you are, still stuck on these memories and making comparisons between the affair relationship and your relationship. You can find the rest of this under articles, coping w/ infidelity part 4.

Another topic that I will briefly mention is obsessive thinking. Some people feel that if they stop thinking about something terrible, it will happen to them. While it's not all that common, it effects certain people known to be obsessive, where regardless of the low probability of risk, they treat some thoughts as if they were an ever-present danger. Those who compulsively wash their hands for fear of being infected by germs are an example of this type of person. The solution to their problem often lies in medication that helps them overcome obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior. There are some very effective medical remedies that a doctor trained in obsessive thinking can prescribe that often help a person rid themselves of pervasive resentment regarding an affair.

Hey HL

Im not sure I fit into the obsessive thinking category as I only ponder these things during a bad patch when things are going ok or even good I dont really think about these issues but thanks for the advice.

Here is where im really messed up though from all that i read and learn on this site it appears that during an A the WS generally has a good carefree and fun time with OW therefore that explains the fantasy idea. But it appears that in my case WS didn have fun or pleasant time with OW so why did the fantasy carry on? when I ask what ENs she met he is adamant she met none so im a bit dumbtruck as doesent fit in with MB. I know she didnt particularly like him (just liked the chase) and made no effort, i know he didnt perticularly like her behaviour or lifestyle so whats up with the effort he put in there and the lack of effort he is putting in here?? He is working on himself and im working on myself but thats alenating us from eachother, he doesent seem to be able to do more than one thing at a time like maybe work on himself and the marriage a bit.

I understand that during A things out of the ordinary happen but what i am not sure about is should i be fighting to have these things happen in the marriage or let them go and if letting them go is the answer then looking for ways to do so.

The reason a WS will be extraordinary in an affair and ordinary in a marriage is because they are in love with the affair partner and have fallen out of love with the spouse. THAT'S WHY.

That is why falling in love again is a CRITICAL part of recovery after an affair.



Requirements for Recovery

Thanks ML
Good reason and can totally see that point. Thanks
What do you do when your in between recovering from an A and working on creating the romantic love??

You spend 15 hours we week together with UA, learn to use POJA, learn to become GREAT at meeting each others needs and learn to avoid lovebusters. Before you know it, you will be in love again. It takes time, but it does come.

15 hours a week - done hes at home all day now
POJA - done (as far as i understand it)
Meeting EN's - Im doing my share he hasnt got a clue on how to meet mine and its becoming a battleground of resentment right now. So he has got a book called Emotional intelligence as he keeps failing the online tests showing that he has little emtional intelligence hence the inability to meet my EN's. Cant do much more about that im just working on me and leaving him to it.

Im not angry at him because he is doing something about his issues im just frustrated cause when he was with OW there were no issues and as part of working on me im trying to get an understanding of how to deal with things that i find confusing like the behavior difference with OW. He swears blind he never loved her and he has said this from the start through fogs and tantrums (his not mine lol) so im back to confused land as dr H theory on fantasy and in love with OW doesent seem to fit in.

You don't think you have obsessive thinking? I thought you mentioned it before that is why I brought it up. There are also some good articles that mention the difficulty of moving forward because of resentment, that seems to be an issue also. Why wouldn't it be?

He may say he didn't enjoy the affair but I don't think it is true. No one forced him into the affair, if he wasn't taking pleasure from it..he would not have continued or even done it at all. He may not have liked OW's behavior, but he liked the fantasy still. Some even enjoy the sneaking around, its a thrill or a high. So despite the fact of feeling guilty, he still had enjoyment.

Yeah resentment is there allright when im at home cleaning the floor and or buy clothes that sit in the wardrobe cause i got nowhere to go in them thats when i get resentful that atleast he had a brake from the mundane life and had an A. I cant even get a weekend away with the girls. I know its not funny but sometimes its just one of those laugh or cry situations, im choosing to laugh more these days.

He didnt hate the A but it wasnt exactly a fantasy either.

Ps obsessive thinking wise i think you might be refering to OW and Xmas party, now NC is in place things are a million times better I dont care what she does with her life anymore.

I hear you, I really think resentment is a natural reaction to an affair. Very hard to get over, maybe particularly in women? Not sure but I know if I am having a bad day I can get resentful about just about anything, lol. I think once you work through the resentment you will feel a whole lot better.

I was in the same situation, he made changes for her that I had asked for years for.

Now years later, the simple truth was, he didn't/doesn't want to make those changes for me, and I had made excuses and accepted his excuses all those years.

If you are not happy, not getting your needs met, you are NOT following POJA. If you ask for something and he doesn't agree, then work it out. If you don't ask for something, don't expect him to get it.

The POSOW was probably very good at twirling her hair and asking in a baby voice for what she wanted...

There was a good year where I had to confront my H often and ask for what I wanted, and when he didn't give it after promising to, to confronted him and his excuses. It was a tough year. I hated holding him accountable.

But what I found was, I made as many excuses for his behavior as he made for them. In your example, there is no such thing as a flower-person, this is an action that has thought behind it. So in a different situation the thought changed, it had nothing to do with you or her, but about him.

So I learned long ago that men will go to great heights at the promise of good loving (*wink, *wink) It sounds simplistic, and pardon me men if you get offended, but I have tried this with my H before, if I ask for something in the "come hither, you're going to get something later" voice, he is more likely to do something for me with a smile on his face.

Perhaps what OW could give them that we couldn't was the anticipation that perhaps or perhaps not there would be a reward. We are taken for granted...

So how do we earn this back? How do you not get taken for granted?