Not only will you have ANOTHER ally, your WW will lose her most powerful one. It is just a good side effect. Ride out this storm. What do you have to lose? KEEP UP THE GREAT JOB.

Jon,

MB has a lot of people that don't like the 180. All I know is that it was the only thing I ever did that had some sort of effect.

It's a guide and is NOT incompatible with Plan A. The 180 is about restoring your self respect, giving the WW a little bit of "what's he up to?" and restoring some self confidence when you feel none.

It works. I don't think it's incompatible with Plan A and I think it goes hand in hand with it and so do many others. But there's plenty who disagree.

It is NOT an MB concept.

But that doesn't make it invalid.

Ummm.....

Jon you have told us multiple times that the Aunt was Pushing your Wife HARD for a divorce. Basically spearheading the movement because she believed that was the only thing that would make WW happy.

Now she doesn't want yall to divorce?!!??

What gives?

Well I just knew her aunt kept mentioning the D to my WS. I had not actually talked to her about it myself, and she called me out of the blue a few days ago.
Her aunt knows my WS is not herself and is very confused right now, and she doesn't want us to D because I help her ALOT around here with yard work etc..and me and her aunt used to go to movies and stuff together that my WS didn't want to see.
To be honest I spend more time with her family then she does, and they ALL love me alot, but when my WS gets to telling them things it kind of brainwashes them into thinking everything will still be the same after the D. Meaning, I will still come hang out with them, and we will all still go out as a family etc... Her whole family is against the D but they will finance it if it's what they think my WS really wants.

Also her aunt was the one supposed to be calling lawyers etc...but appearantly she never did. Like I said I have at least a month and I agree with HTLD that plan A and the 180 can go hand in hand, I'm going to be doing a mixture of both, because I have lost all self respect and self value, and I have been letting my Ws walk all over me.

I am going out of town this weekend with my brothers and some friends. My WS said today "I'm excited you all get to go out this weekend i know you all will have alot of fun" I was like WHAT? she brings up the big D like it's nothing then says this the next day, also she has been acting overly nice since she mentioned the D and I walked off.
She asked ME if she could fix me something to eat last night after she said it, and that never happens.
I am living with a demon posessed alien woman.....who knows

Repeat after me, your wife is not going to file.

First she already filed; then she was going to file, you know your wife and you are sure she's going to file; then she's going to meet with a lawyer; then it's now she hasn't been able to find a lawyer; now it's she can afford a lawyer and won't look for one for at least a month.

Your divorce is not going to happen unless YOU get sick of your wife and YOU choose to file. Your wife isn't going anywhere. So, you can either dwell on it and worry yourself to death. Or, you can continue plan A and get her more willing to commit back to the marriage and meeting your needs.

Spend this time working on wooing your WW back to the marriage. She's not going anywhere, you just want to woo her back to meeting your needs again. You have to give to get. Be strong, be confident.

wtf

Double post

things are bad right now guys, very bad, I can't keep going. she is talking to my mom about how bad i used to treat her and trust me I did treat her bad, and I did make her cry EVERY day for a long time. I don't blame myself for what she did, but I do understand that she doesn't feel she could ever come back from that and she even said to my mom she knows I have changed but "it's to little to late" She said she can't do it anymore and ALOT more things. i will post the rest later, she is in other room atm.

ARE YOU DENSE! It's not too late. Just ignore it right now. You just haven't demonstrated change long enough yet. Quit dwelling on your relationship now. It will improve with time. Your wife is just conflicted right now and trying to justify her actions. We've told you this a million times. Just prove yourself over time.

I am not dense. I am hurt beyond imagination. I would rather endure physical torture than what I am going through. So when she files and regardless of what you all think she WILL FILE how do I act then? I will continue to prove myself, I have put all trust in God now. This situation is in his hands.

Do you not think that you have to do any work even if you have put this in God's hands or do you think that HE would have you just throw in the towel?

My WH took off his wedding ring, looked straight in my eyes and told me, "It's OVER. THERE is NOTHING left to save. I am DONE. We are DONE." and I still Plan A'd him. It hurt like heck. But what kept and keeps me going is HOPE and FAITH. I didn't find this site by accident. I feel like it was an answer to my prayers. It was my guiding light.

Stop focusing on what MIGHT happen. I am a person who needs a Plan and I have one. Plan B, AFTER I did a SOLID PLAN A

Here are some things I said during my Plan A(there were two threads, UMMM I installed a keylogger.... and Believes H has been having an EA....) Does any of this sound familiar?









This was just from November 17th until November 27th when I installed the keylogger and my world came CRASHING down.

Follow the rest of my journey so far on my thread"ummmmm i installed a keylogger and..." and that is 95 pages worth and counting.

What a rollercoaster ride. But you know what, I wouldn't change it for the WORLD.

Things will not get better if you give up.

More time will only help to show your changes are here to stay.

I don't know if this was posted to you yet, saw it on someone else's thread

I am still going to be doing all the things I have been doing already. Tonight was VERY VERY emotional for me and her both. She brought up the D and said "what day next week would be good for you to come with me to an attorney so we can do this together with no fight"? i said "I'm not going to an attorney you do what you have to do" she got VERY mad because I had previously agreed to go with her.
Also I said "I'm not holding you here your free to go, I don't want the D but i'm not stopping you from going" she said "Yes you are! and you are only hurting the kids if you fight anything in this D by taking money away from them!" I remained calm she started cussing saying this is BS and not bs as in "betrayed spouse"
My wife has NEVER said a curse word to me since we have been married, so when she started I got up and walked away.
Thats when she called my mom and they had a VERY emotional conversation and of course my mom is on my side but it won't help in changing my WS mind about the D.
I won't give up, I have peace with God and I will continue to seek him and trust in him.
right now I am 50/50 in half wants this D and the other half doesn't. Have you all ever felt this way?

Jon,

I am struggling to see that you're understanding plan A. STOP PANICKING. You've been told a zillion times in this thread to ignore her crazy actions. When are you going to get this?

You should not expect your WW to give you anything at this point. You've just started in this process. You should let go of the notion that your WW is going to act as a normal person at this point. Yes, you're hurt - we understand how difficult it is to be in that position. But you need to exercise more self-control if you want to survive this situation.

What you control is YOUR actions. Be consistent and keep changing into a better version of Jonpen. I am sure that your WW is sensing the same panic and inconsistencies that some of your posts reflect. A WS can smell fear from a mile away. She'll use your fear to try to bully you into enabling the A. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. So be strong and concentrate on a solid plan A. Show her what an awesome H you can be and keep guarded against the A.

Think that you can make it and act accordingly. Don't dwell on her actions so much. Trust God but you also need to trust yourself.

How about you discuss the specifics of your plan A. Can you post a list of actions that you can do to step up your plan A?

--ElCamino72

OKAY moment is desperately needed. Do you understand that you are luckier than MOST.

First, the affair is OVER.
Second, you are in your HOME with your wife and kids.

I am quite jealous of you really.

YES I AM JEALOUS OF YOU.

Knock Knock. You get that? My WH is living WITH POSOW. He visits with our children every Sunday for 9.5hours and every other Saturday for 9.5hours. Where does he take our children? TO POSOW's house. They act like one big "HAPPY FAMILY". On Christmas day, my WH came and picked up my children and brought them to HER house. I was at home ALONE on Christmas day while POSOW had my ENTIRE family. What was I doing? I was on here. And I was hoping beyond all hope that my WH would come home and his AFFAIR would be OVER.

Wanna trade spots with me? because I would LOVE to trade spots with you. Hey, I am just being honest and helping you understand that what the vets are telling you is worth it. It WORKS. Not all of the time, but more times than not. I BELIEVE in the system. I HAVE FAITH IN MB.

There I am done my rant. Did you get it alright?

Plenty of people plan A for 6+ months WHILE their spouse is ACTIVELY in an affair. I am not trying to make light of your situation, but 90% of new posters here probably wish they were in your shoes. Your WW's affair is over.

If you were as bad as you say you were, then you owe it to your WW and kids to suck it up for as long as it takes.

As long as you do not agree to divorce or an easy divorce, your WW will not file. She does not want to take the financial hit. Keep doing plan A on her, regardless of what she says. No relationship talks. No agreeing to anything that would facilitate divorce. You are not pursuing divorce. If she wants to, than she can do so on her own, but it will be expensive and it will be ugly. If she says you are hurting the kids by fighting the divorce, she is hurting the kids by pursuing the divorce. No divorce talk. You don't want it, don't agree to it. Trust us, if you behave right, it will eventually blow over. Copping this self-defeating attitude that you should probably just go along with it now because she won't change her mind is a mistake. Hold firm, pull it together, and fight for your family. And treat your wife right, no matter how she is treating you right now. If you continue to treat her right, she'll eventually treat you right.

You act as if we haven't already talked to hundreds of people in your exact same situation. Your marriage can be save if you are willing to put in the work. No affair 99% of the time = no divorce.

I read a few times that you trusted in God Jon. I will read this whole thread before I get into a lot of hair-splitting but being a christian myself and having my share of marital problems I just have to ask you this very pointed question. I hope you get released from bondage by it and I pray I deliver it correctly.

Christ was the sacrifice God demanded to suffer for mans sins. We as people are limited to how much we can, or should, endure from others. We are called by God first to honor him and then his spiritual law. In that order.

If someone we love loses there freakin mind all we can do is stand up for the truth, and your WW leaving and asking you "to be so kind" as to give her a divorce is nothing but a trick of the mind she believes falsley now is her way to happiness. In christian jargon its called a "stronghold" of the mind. A Place that was built up by our own weaknesses to the flesh.
Matthew 26:41
Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.


For a while you should do as scotland says and be assured Jon, The things you do to avoid a divorce as you stand up for yourself will be honored by God. Do not be tempted to panic and get so emotional that you lose respect from her and for yourself. If she leaves it will be her deal. We and others will be here for you but most important God will.

Trust God for the consquences of your obediance to him. Hate the sin and not he sinner.

I can tell you that after 20 years of a really struggling marraige my wife came to me and defied all the mandates that we had recieved from God and told me she was leaving. I felt that God gave up on me and all the waiting and sacrifice was a joke. I feel apart like I can't describe. Maybe Im just being emotional because I hear that song "The Flame"--by Cheap Trick playing in the background and its a trigger.

Anyways here is a scripture that God gave me to help me thru as I was spiraling down fast back then.

Jerimiah:15
19Therefore thus saith the LORD, If thou return, then will I bring thee again, and thou shalt stand before me: and if thou take forth the precious from the vile, thou shalt be as my mouth: let them return unto thee; but return not thou unto them.

20And I will make thee unto this people a fenced brasen wall: and they shall fight against thee, but they shall not prevail against thee: for I am with thee to save thee and to deliver thee, saith the LORD.

21And I will deliver thee out of the hand of the wicked, and I will redeem thee out of the hand of the terrible.
Stand for God and before him for strength Jon. Don't buy into her emotions.

Hope this helps