I am new to the board and in need of advice from others who have been through similar situations. My husband confessed two months ago that he was having an affair with a coworker. The affair had been going on for about a year at the time he told me about it. When he admitted the affair, he said he was sorry, wanted to remain married and keep our family together. We have two young children. He began seeing/talking to the OW again within a few days. The affair continued in secret for another month and it has been open to me for one month.

My husband is still living at home but goes out 2-3 nights per week to see the OW. He talks of moving out but doesn't do it. He will have moments he seems convinced to leave and moments he says he could never leave. He says he still loves me, though he blames me for putting him into the position to have an affair because I was not meeting his emotional needs after the birth of our children. He admits he is infatuated and obsessed with the OW. She appears to be equally infatuated and obsessed with him.

I am confused over what to do. My husband seems to be taking advantage of my willingness to forgive by continuing to see the OW because he knows of my opposition to divorce. His employer does not know about the affair and I have been wondering whether to expose and how to expose.

Any advice or suggestions are appreciated.

Is the OW married?




Exposure is an adultery's greatest enemy. It is sunlight to a vampire.

Expose to his employer and anyone who has any influence on him or the OW. This would include OW's parents and/or husband (if she has one) or boyfriend or whatever, your husband's workplace, husband's boss...the list goes on.

His parents too if that is possible.

His saying you weren't meeting his needs may have some basis, but he could have TOLD you that and you could've done something about it. You do not own HIS affair. That was his bad decision.

She is getting divorced now because she discovered her husband was having an affair. Her husband does not know she was having an affair with my husband.

I agree that he made a bad decision to start the affair. He admits it too and often says he wish he had just remained friends with the OW. His parents know about the affair but it has not been exposed at work.

Have you read up on this site about plan A and exposure. Do so then we'll help you put these things into action. I would also advise that you do not tell your WH about the advice you are getting here for now.

You don't want to tip your hand to him.

If this information came from your WH it is very likely a lie.

You need to expose to him anyway.

I was told the BW to my OM problem was committing adultery too. It was not true.

An adultery of this age with this much opportunity has gone physical by now.

Yes, it has been physical for that period and emotional for longer than that.

Do you want a shot at saving your marrigage?


If you do then exposure to all who could be influential to help you is required.

After that, one or the other of them will have to leave that employer and no contact for life must be established. There is no other path.

Can you do that?

forjand, sorry you find yourself here.

My XWH had an A with his direct report and I worked there also. He is now living with the OW.

What I wish I had done sooner; find this site and exposed at the beginning.

A started in 6/08, did not expose to work till 1/09. Way to late. OW was already D 2x.

There are many vets that will help you here. Read Surviving an Affair.

Unless your H has absolute no contact with OW he will continue o this path.

I do want to save my marriage. Exposure scares me since my husband's job is involved and he will be very angry if he can trace the exposure back to me.

Do they know that it is an emotional and sexual adultery or do they have the "just friends" version?

What would they be willing to do to help their grandchildren from living the very real consequences of a broken home?

I think I'm learning the lingo. My WH expresses a desire to end the affair but says he feels he cannot stay away from the OW. He also seems to feel like he owes her something now because he has been leading her on for so long and making her think he was going to leave his family. He also expresses a deep hesitation to hurt her in any way.

He will be angry but your marriage can survive his anger.

It cannot survive his affair. EXPOSE RIGHT NOW. RIGHT AWAY!

You must expose this affair to your WH's parents and his siblings. At work you send an email/letter to the CEO and CC the Head of HR, and the Board of directors.

You need to expose the OWH as well.

Ditto to everything TheRoad said.

Unfortunately his dad joins him on the train of blaming me for marital problems. I think they would prefer for our family to stay together but they don't put much heat on him. Drug and alcohol abuse are also issues for my WH.

For most exposure is very scary.

He will be very angry. He will say all kinds of tripe about how he was juuuuuuuust about to end and commit to your marriage when you blew it.

How he can never trust you again.

How you are to blame.

But your marriage will die if the adultery continues. His anger will pass after several days.

This presents a further problem. You can't even BEGIN to recover your marriage until the alcohol problems are gone.

I'm going to let the vets take care of this, but exposure to work is one of the top things to do. Don't think about it, just do it.