Thanks, SSO. I slept poorly, in fact. I got to sleep early, but then wound up waking every two hours or so.

It's inconceivable to me that she's just going to "go back" to her previous name, since she never did so after her other previous marriages (as far as I know). The wording in her profile said (and this time I'm quoting), "Who gives a rat's [censored] what people think?"

I realize at this point my reactions are due more to my own FOO issues and insecurities than they are about the state of my marriage. I am thinking of seeking therapy for those, as I never again want to get involved with a BPD woman. And if I don't change my own behaviors I'll remain susceptible.

Fred, I am way farther along in the process of being away from a BPDW. I think you will have moments when you remember her false image and your dream of a life together. In thise moments , you will get down, as you think you doubt what your really know: that she is badly broken and will lead you to an early grave.
As time goes on, and you get more perspective, you may find yourself wondering both why you did not spot the red flags and why you tolerated such aberrant behavior for so long. There are two things that factor into this.
First, these folks are drawn to nice guys who , because of their bent to see the best in people, do not perceive the type of person they are dealing with. The disordered are also masters of masking their true selves until enmeshment.
Second, you really have to look within and figure out both what made you less perceptive and what allowed you to tolerate that which most healthy folks would not. Ususally, FOO issues play into this.
Nice thing about these issues, as opposed to the issues plaguing the disordered, is that they are treatable/correctable.

You are absolutely correct, Zelmo. Given that I'm a pretty intelligent guy (I think), it amazes me that even though my mind knows what's going on, it somehow hasn't managed to "hardwire" that information to the rest of my nervous system.

And the things these disordered people do (which was never really apparent during our marriage) makes me scratch my head. She's all but announced her engagement now, and we are still months out from the divorce. Wow.

I know, man. When you look back, her multiple marriages, Chem dep, even the fake boobs, are clues. But, at the time, having our own issues, we seem to overlook this stuff, feeling that we , ourselves, are imperfect and we should give them the benefit of the doubt as we would like others to do for us.
Fred, after my divorce, I dated a really good looking, smart woman. She had been married 3 times, and two of them lasted less than a year. She had lost her nursing license for a time due to abusing prescriptions she had written for herself as a nurse practitioner. She had lost custody of her kids for a time, as well, due to the same.
I really liked this woman and was vry upset when she broke up with me saying that my involvement with my kids was more than she could handle.
As I look back, I was being stupid, again. The history was too bizzare. But, it is a very hard to reconcile not just writing folks off because of their pasts with protecting yourself.

Kinda like you and Mel, but with higher IQ's, eh?

Don't forget my incredible good lucks and humility.

But only speak the word, and my soul shall be healed.(nothing like a little blasphemy to lighten the mood).

Can you help an old altar boy, Father? Et cum spititu tuo.
Good Jesuit education.

I am p.o.'d, but with mixed feelings, as once again The Leopard made an unexpected (to me, anyway) appearance tonight.

A friend of mine was celebrating his 18th A.A. birthday tonight and I went to the meeting to celebrate with him. I had spent the entire day in a conference, so I was in sport coat and tie. I arrived a bit early, so I was chatting with folks as they came in.

Looking up, I noticed WW had come into the meeting room and was talking with someone. She turned and came to take a seat. She almost sat down next to me and then she saw it was me sitting there. Immediately, she took a 90-degree turn and ambled off to the ladies' room.

I considered staying in the meeting. Hey, I was there first, it was my friend celebrating, but I'm in NO CONTACT so I said good-bye to the man I was talking with and left. She had not yet come out of the ladies' room.

My friend had gone outside, so I was able to congratulate him and told him why I was leaving. He understood, and we wished each other well.

I noticed my Jeep outside was nice and clean. Unlike The Leopard, who looks gaunt --almost waifish-- really, she is NOT looking good! Oddly enough, she washed the Jeep only once in the five years since I bought it, so I was surprised to see it sparkling when all of the other cars (mine included) are covered with snow and road salt. I'm glad she's taking care of it, as it comes back to me at the end of next month.

Part of me also regrets not staying. It might have been entertaining hearing her spew lies and fogbabble in the middle of a meeting. Of course, I'm the only one who would recognize it for what it is.

Thanks for this Zelmo and I think its dead on.
Most of us guys are programmed to sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of others and also there is the "hero" complex we can get from many sources, most common is from a past filled with drama such as coming from severly disfunctional homes.

In my case the trigger that drew me into my last marriage was an overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility I felt when I posed a question to the woman I eventually married and she literally ran away and locked herself in her room. I imediatly was duped, mostly by myself, into thinking I needed to 'fix" things.. The rest is history.

I think we, not only men, try tp protect ppl when we see that they have been hurt and sometimes thats the only value we see in ourselves.

I am working on this in therapy also along with lots lots of reading.

Provide and protect was the mantra of my generation when it came to the responsibility of a man. I knew little or nothing about emotional support. I had to learn that along the way. After all we admired John Wayne, and real men don't cry.

Is this thread topic refreshing or what. I thought I was hallucinating. It took my daughter to finally open my eyes to what was happening. The BPD is a class unto themselves. Like the person with an addiction the MB principles will not work in the disordered.

It has been 1.5 years of separation for me but the impact of being married to someone with a personality disorder lingers on. I wonder if I will ever understand what normal is. It seems I got reprogrammed along the way. My kids call it brainwashing. We are all trying to recover from the impact she had on us.

I realize my wife is not intentionally evil. She can be very engaging. However the personality disorder causes a black hole that can never be filled. You will burn out trying to please this type of person.

So thanks guys this is very therapeutic. Perhaps we need our own section on how to recover from a relationship with a WWBPD.

I would love to paricipate in that thread BC you said John Wayne, well I thoght my Dad was John Wayne. He even looked like him.

I especially now am working with my children to sort out the good from the bad about my late wife, I have to tread lightly because they still get triggered into blaming me sometimes just like she did for Moms problems. Thing is, something inside them knows that Mom was Full-of-it a lot of times and they see that I did the best I could with what I had to work with. Their Mom also was not evil and at one time was an amazing women but she did act evil at a point so what was the truth mom? AM I ok and will life be OK and what was the truth Mommy? They are all young adults and great children but I know there are issues they just don't see coming.
I will be here for them for a long time and am setting a good example but the communication problems between us bred by disrespect shown to me as she degraded makes it hard for me to comfort them. I have to wait till issues come to a head or if I get lucky, someone asks me something about thier Moms behavior.

I don't go to them for counseling because it would be so bad for them and I do not have anyone except for counselors to talk about my issues, (and you guys), so recovery is slow for me and the protection of my inocent children is paramount in my focus.

Start a thread BC and we can talk about the BPD relationship and how it effects the John Wayne types. Those images and false bravodo some of us lived in almost killed me. WE can help others avoid those pitfalls while standing up for the fact that.

"Big boys don't cry but Men do"---Dr Phil--?

I think a thread about recovering from a marriage with a BPD spouse would be quite helpful. However, I think it would be better suited for the "Recovering" forum, don't you?

Guys, be sure to check out the "shrink4men" site, "BPDfamily" and Shari Schreiber's site. Very good info on recovering from a relationship with a BPD.
It was about the weirdest expierience of my life, very hurtful and traumatizing.