I came across this site and was thought maybe I could get some insight from others. I am at a point where I just don't know what to do anymore.

My husband and I have been for 10 years, together 12. We have 2 beautiful daughters. Over the past 10 years he has had this online obsession. At first it was chats, then emails/pics and of course the websites. The first time I found it I was shocked....we talked and of course he said he would never do it again! Then a year or so later, I found it all over again. After this I explained that I was NOT okay with this in anyway and if it continued we could not stay together. A couple of years go by and we are working opposite [censored] (he night, I day) so communication as well as other things were hard. (to me this is still not an excuse) Needless to say it happened again and then again after that!! We began counseling, because I said that was the only way I would stay. Over the past year I have not checked on him or even considered this would be happening again! When the other day it was put right infront of my face and he tried to lie about it until he knew that I KNEW and there was no question. I will say it was nothing like it was before, very minor in fact. However, he knows how I feel about it and to try and hide something that hard..you know its wrong! At that point I asked him to leave. It's been almost a week now...he has called, emailed etc apologizing, swearing beyond all it will not happen again. I recieved a beautiful letter (that I now know he got the idea from here and that's okay) somehow I think he might begin to understand how I feel and where I'm coming from. although there is NO way he will ever truely understand.
I LOVE HIM, always have...that's what has kept me here this long. But I also know that I can not go through this again. I just don't know what to do. MOve on and throw away 12 years of my life and walk away from someone that I love so much?
Or stay and take a chance on being broken beyond repair?
Please help!

confused, i would take him back, but only with a plan for recovery in place. You have never done anything to recover so here you are again. For example, working opposite shifts is an invitation to a resumption. I would get phone coaching with the Harleys and/or go to a MB weekend seminar. Don't waste your time with traditional counselors because they have an 84% failure rate and don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages.

All of the conditions that led to his online obsession should be removed. If you have a computer, then you should only be online when you are together. And even at that, you should put a keylogger on it so you know everything that is done.

Has he actually had an affair?

Confused,

First of all, welcome to Marriage Builders. Many broken and damaged and some very sick marriages have found healing here.

Without know what specific websites you are talking about, I am left to guessing about that, and maybe that's just as well. Assuming it's along the lines of what I think you refer to I would suggest that you ask your husband to look into Every Man's Battle. They also have a section now for spouses, so you might want to check that out as well.

Now as for your marriage, Dr Harley has developed a plan for marriage reconciliation that has brought many couples back from the brink of divorce. Have you read the Basic Concepts? The Marriage Builders program does work if both of you are willing to work the plan. You can have a marriage that makes both of you happy and one in which you don't just love him sacrificially but in which you feel in love again and get back that new love feeling you probably had when you first married.

So what would it take for you to let him back into your life fully? I know another promise to be good isn't the answer since promises seem so easily broken. Something like this can tend to divide a husband and wife. After all this is HIS problem, right?

But really, it is both of your problem, since when we are married, anything we do affects our spouse either for the better or worse, for good or bad, positively or negatively. I think you stand a good chance of having a long, healthy and happy marriage by working together to build a new, stronger, more fulling for both of you marriage and this is definitely the place for that.

I don't think you have to decide right now to let him come home or to divorce him. Right now that is really your only choices and I think there can be many other possible choices along the way, but first you have to examine what those might be. I would suggest that he look into EMB or a local counselor who works with men on such issues.

As for why it hurts you so much, I think a good part of that is because you feel betrayed since he has lied to you. One of Dr Harley's most basic concepts is that we must be honest with each other in all things. Finding out that we have been lied to can be devastating to our feelings for our spouse when we discover the lie. The way to repair the damage done by such lies requires complete honesty and a pattern of continued honesty before we can trust them again.

But part of that equation means that you must also be willing to hear about his struggles and failures since no man (or woman) can ever be perfect and we each have our own struggles to deal with. But facing the problem together gives you and him a better chance of overcoming what can only be called an addiction than turning away from each other or even worse, turning to someone else. That is a solution that seldom results in happiness for anyone.

Others with a more chat type of posting will be along soon, I'm sure, so hang in there and do a bit of reading, not just the basic concepts, but perhaps a few Q&A columns and maybe look at a few threads of other folks around here.

Again, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I know the opposite shifts was awful, but at the time had no other choice.( that was 5 yrs ago) That is no longer an issue. I agree with the traditional counselor statement, didn't seem to get us very far!
Problem with the computer, he is on-call dispatcher @ times and HAS to long on, sometimes in the middle of the night or when I am not here. I think the keylogger would be a good idea and the seminar.
No he has never actually done anything other than online (virtual etc.)

confused, but did he have an affair online? An emotional affair online is just as damaging as a physical affair. Is he contacting a woman online?

sorry about the confusion. At one point he was communicating with women online, mainly one. Through a website, kind of like an adult myspace, to the point after I found out and he stopped going there she was emailing saying she missed him. That was about 2 yrs ago. This time he says he was only looking at pics/profiles and there was no communicating. And I agree that online is just as damgaging as physical. I honestly never knew that I could hurt so bad. And yes, I know it was only pics this time, but he also knows how I feel about these types of websites period and has agreed that all of these temptations should be out of the picture. I just can't believe he went back.

I have tried to keep myself open for him. Asking him to talk about it with me. Hoping that it will help me get thru it, but also try and see where it is coming from. Only he tends to shut down and I end up having to PULL most everything from him which makes me feel as if he doesn't care to work on it. This time does seem to feel a little different...guess we will see. I am not sure that I can allow him back home just yet and the hardest part is having to try and explain something to our 2 young daughters.