He is scared of her, I know that for sure. She has falsely accused him of some terrible things in the past. Funny, last September he told me he was coming back home and then she went crazy on him. He text me afterwards and asked me if I wanted to fast with him against spiritual strongholds. Last weekend he wanted to know if I wanted to go up to the snow with him and kids. I didn't respond. He was a good husband although he never respected me because I did everything for him (doormat queen). He comes from a family that never showed love and relationships were like a game of who can win. The silent treatment was the prize!

InHisTime,
You are making lots of excuses for him. Do you see how you claim he was a good husband and then in every post you cite multiple examples of how he was NOT a good husband? Good husbands don't do the things you are telling us that your husband did. So the only conclusion is that he was NOT a good husband even if you want to remember him as one. Maybe he can be one someday, but he is not one now, nor has he been one to you previously. You have to deal with reality before you can reclaim your life. You must call a spade a spade.

The reason I tell you this is because you have got to change your own standards about what you are willing to put up with. If you rationalize his adultery, irresponsible parenting, financial nonsupport, and all the other issues as him being a good husband, you are setting yourself up for future failure. Your expectations are too low. Its nothing to be ashamed about, as you may not have anything to really compare WH to...but thats what we are here for. To help you see clearly and make better decisions.

Please call the Harleys and come up with a plan to move forward.

I wanted to give special focus to this statement, because I think it shines a light on a flaw in your thinking. Reading what you have said here, you appear to blame yourself for his lack of respect. And then you attempt to further remove his responsibility by diffusing it across his parents.

Look up the terms Buyer, Renter, and Freeloader as they pertain to relationships. It sounds like you are a buyer and your husband is a freeloader. You should never be ashamed of being a buyer. In a functional, healthy relationship, both husband and wife would ideally both be buyers. Please understand this. Your husband did not respect you, but it wasn't because you did everything for him. Any man worth his salt will respect a wife who takes care of him. And he should offer nothing less in return.

Your husband didn't respect you because he is a freeloader and you didn't have any boundaries to stop him from taking, taking, taking.

InhisTime, put your feelings of love aside for the moment...why do you want to be married to this man?

Unfetterd,

Can't afford the Harleys. Should I just go completely dark on him?

The Harleys are cheap compared to the alternative of a divorce. Were I you, I would scrounge the money together for at least one session. Sell some stuff on Craig's list if you have to. Or if you have insurance that will cover seeing a counselor, you can see if there are any "marriage builders friendly" ones in your area using one of the links on this page.

So you asked my advice. My personal advice (informed by my now zero threshhold for spousal disrespect) would be to "tear off the bandaid". He is financially selfish, has multiple children by multiple mothers, and cheats on you. I know your attraction/love for him feels powerful, but there are far better men out there to tie your life to.

As for Marriage Builders advice though, I think its time for Plan B. There are examples of Plan B letters floating around this board, but the gist is to clearly lay out your requirements to reconcile. Some examples would be ending the affair, no contact letter, total transparency, etc...

Either he agrees or he doesn't. You don't negotiate your requirements. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, look into filing harassment charges or getting a restraining order.

Plan B is for your health and sanity. Its not for his benefit and its not to get your marriage back. Its to protect you.