My sister actually found a copy of SAA on EBAY so it isn't that hard to get outside of the US.

That's what I just did Scotland. Bookstores don't have it in stock and would have to order it from US Publisher, was going to order it on here but you have to call to order, can't do it online, so good 'ole Ebay it was.

Good. I am glad that you are going to get a copy of it. I read it 4 times already. I got HNHN off of there too. I suggested LB to my public library too. They will order it and tell me when it is in.

So I've also found out that he was never living with that "workmate", he was living with her. In the 'spare room' at her parents place so he claims. And I found pictures that made me literally vomit.

His bike and large DJ speakers are still at her house. He's trying to find a way to get them back without going there himself, which is an opportunity for me to get an exposure letter into her parents hands for sure. Hopefully either my nephew, who lives near her, can pick them up for us, or my best friend may be able to do it. Either way, someone I trust. Now I just need to write it. Any help much appreciated, I don't even know where to start.

I've given him two weeks to prove he means this. He's already arranging for some kind of IC to deal with his lying and craving for admiration at an unhealthy level and manner. He's changed his mobile number. I honestly have no idea what else he could possibly do to even make a start on repairing this, so any FWH or FWW's that might have any suggestions I could point him to would also be gratefully received (or any BS's that may have suggestions also) He has to make the effort to prove things to me, but some suggestions wouldn't hurt, IF he actually follows through on them.

WOW Dazed.

The cruelty of waywards never ceases to amaze me.

We've all been where you are now Dazed and you only have to look at the posts of BS's here to know that you WILL recover from this.

I very clearly remember the painful days when I was learning what my FWH had done and how it just felt like the worst of all nightmares from which there was no escape. I was shellshocked and barely functioned for weeks.

Know that "this too shall pass".

Your H is your enemy now. DO NOT trust a word from his mouth. What will help you is to take control of as much of this process as possible.

Exposure should be far and wide but targeted especially to those who can have an effect on the affairees. I agree with SC that a letter posted to this child's parents may not hit the target. If you cannot do face-to-face, then could someone (a family member or close friend} hand deliver it for you? The good thing about nuclear exposure is that EVERYONE in your life knows and some will want to support and help you.

How about a courier company given specific instructions about who the letter must be handed to?

We hope that her family will be outraged by her behaviour, and will warn her away but how about also telling them that you will have no alternative but to file harrassment charges if she attempts contact as you will see her contact as threatening to your family.

Keep the communication as businesslike and unemotional as you can but let them know the devaststation you and your children are going through as a result of their daughter's poor behaviour. Do not give them the opportunity to portray you as some sort of crazed loon. You are a mother protecting her children and doing the right thing by giving them the opportunity to protect their daughter.

Don't make any decisions about your M yet. There is plenty time for you to make those decisions, but do not make it easy for your H to return to the M. Set the bar high.

Spend some time writing down the conditions he must meet in order for him to return to your M and let him know that you have no desire to have your old M back. That M is gone. If you decide you want to try for recovery, then you will be building a new M.

I am so sorry for your pain Dazed. Know that you will get through this. Post when you can because you will get lots of support and good advice and it will help you through the tough times.

Take care and remember to keep your strength up. Eat as well as you can, get outdoors and take walks and try to get some sleep.

Sorry Dazed, I didn't see your last post before I started to write mine.


Am I understanding this correctly?

The parents of a 17/18 year old child allowed a 30 something man to move into their home? Did they know he was married with children? Were they aware that their daughter was sleeping with your H?

You understand completely. They were not aware of his age (he has a baby face) or that he was married, until two weeks after he'd moved in with them. Apparently they were "not happy" about either issue, and told him to 'get out asap'. Supposedly they wanted to kick him out there and then, but are useless at confrontation so didn't. So yes, they knowingly let an almost 30 year old married father of two live in their house for 7 weeks, they let him sleep in their 17 year old daughter's bed every night and the most they did or said was frowny faces.

I WILL write a letter to them, but it will purely state what my actions will be if their daughter does not stay the heck away from my husband. I WILL have her charged with harrassment, and happily at that. It's obvious to me that asking them to help keep her away from him, without obvious repurcussions, would be useless.

When I was that age, I was only allowed to have boyfriends come over if they stayed in the living areas of the house and they had to leave before my parents went to bed. I just do not understand how parents could allow this to happen under their roof, and then when learning the complete truth didn't inflict serious harm to your H.




So your H supposedly stayed at a house with a 17/18 year old, slept in her bed - got up to "kinky" sex and took pictures. Her parents knew that he was married with children, knew a MM was sleeping with their daughter but they were frightened to confront him and throw him out of their own house so let him stay, and your H stayed there under these circumstances? I cannot imagine any parents I know allowing this, and I cannot imagine a man of his age staying in a family home, doing what he was doing, knowing that the parents wanted him out.

I've read some weird stuff here, but this is just "out there". I am so sorry Dazed. I know waywards do stupid things and are out of their minds when involved ion an A, but really!!!!! If I were you I would want to speak to the parents to corroborate this story.


I don't think you can count on any worthwhile support from these people. Are there other younger children in their house during this period? You mentioned pictures that made you want to vomit and you've also mentioned "kinky" sex. Were the pictures taken in their house? Should they or the authorities/social services be made aware of these pictures?

I would also want to speak to this workmate/friend that he'd told you he was living with. Is it possible that he is protecting an OW2 with this story?

I'm sorry Dazed.

Again, I'm so sorry, Dazed. Tel us how you found out this latest- and DO try and keep any new sources secret from WH.

Earlier, you wrote


Either this workmate was not involved in his living arrangements at all, and he flat-out lied about her, or she has helped to cover this up. You need to find out which. Can you speak to her?

The pictures I don't think are anything that could be acted upon. They made me sick but not because they were sexual, just intimate (hugging and tongues down each other's throats with lots of little hearts photoshopped onto them and "forever" and "soulmate"...standard smitten teenager type stuff I guess, but it made me ill). The "kinky" stuff is things she has posted in public on her myspace that she 'wants to do before she's 50". He says he had never even read her myspace (which I strangely believe, he hates myspace with a passion), so he had no idea. I'm positive he had some idea, but I really can't deal with graphic details atm.

Sugar - The co-worker knew nothing until the morning after DD #1. He then went and told her he'd been having an A, that I'd just found out and that he'd told me he was living at her place. Basically attempting to cover his tracks in case I went checking. She refused to cover for him so he's just been praying I wouldn't check. I was stupid enough not to, but I will be now, I have her email address and no, this time, he doesn't know where I'm getting my information.

Also, my best friend and her sister are going to OW's place to pick up the last of WH's things for us, so I've asked her to take a letter for me and hand it to OW's parents, so some suggestions on what to write would be really really great right now. I have no idea where to even start

Ok, so I've written what I think is a sensitive exposure letter to OW's parents, but I'm way too close to this to judge accurately, so all opinions gratefully received!!

To OW's Parents

I am unsure as to exactly what you know regarding your daughter�s current situation, so I would like to take this opportunity to give you a short background. WH and I have been in a relationship for nine (9) years, we have been married for three (3) years and have two (2) beautiful young daughters together. Twelve months ago, my husband and your daughter began an affair. WH and I were still very much married, happily so to my knowledge. The first idea I had that my marriage was in trouble was on 20th November 2009, 10 months after the affair began, when WH informed me he was moving out to �sort out his feelings�, but that he still loved me, and that there was no other person involved. Unbeknownst to me, he then drove from our home, to your house to be with your daughter. I finally discovered the affair on January 10th 2010, and immediately confronted him and asked him to make a choice. He did so and moved home on January 25th 2010.

I love my husband, I meant my marriage vows and I am willing to fight to keep my family together. On February 1st 2010, I discovered that my husband was still in contact with your daughter. After I requested that he cut off all contact in order to keep our relationship, my husband both emailed and land mailed your daughter a letter, requesting no further contact. I am now asking you, as her parents, to do your best to respect and aid with that, and in making sure this affair is truly ended so all parties can go on with their lives.

Sincerely
Dazed

Seems sensitive and well worded and to the point. I haven't read your thread but as far as I can see it looks good.

Others who read your thread and have contributed might have something to add.

God Bless on your recovery

Dazed, this is completely outside my experience, but I'm sorry to say that this is the only part of your letter that I like:

I think that the rest is too personal and confessional. I think that the whole tone should be businesslike, and I really don't think that the marital backdrop to the affair should be raised. It is enough for them to know that he is a married man, they are this child's parents and they should be ashamed of themselves for letting her move her boyfriend into their house. Now they need to do the right thing and stop it.

Of course, you cannot SAY that, but I would like to see that sense conveyed.

You need to keep posting to your thread because it easily slips down the long list of threads on page 1, and onto page 2, unless it is constantly refreshed.

How have things been today?

I shall rewrite it today and repost Sugar, do you think I need something prior to that paragraph, or can it just stand alone?

I feel bad keeping my thread bumped, like I'm spamming or something, but shall try!

Things today are a little better. I've been checking on WH constantly for the past couple of days, no evidence of contact, he has been showing some signs of withdrawl and last night we sat and went through the entire A, I got all my questions answered and for the first time, it really FELT like the truth, because he said things that hurt me. I felt quite proud of myself and strong, not a single LB from me, no matter how hurt I was! (need to cheerlead for myself sometimes!)

He went and got a full STD check yesterday (I checked, and he had def had a blood test) and he also got two referrals to psych's, one from the GP and one from his boss. Apparently, his workplace has a system in place for helping their staff, that we knew nothing about. His boss also asked him about how we were doing and offered full support for anything we needed.

He's also taken lunch to work every day since D-Day #2, so that he can stay in the office on msn to me so I know where he is, and I've logged into his new account a few times (without warning) to check his contacts etc, no sign of OW. He's been varying his time to leave to and from work to minimise the chance of her showing up, since she's well aware of what time he usually gets there and leaves. He's cancelled the internet access he had on his phone (I checked with our provider to make sure it had been cancelled and he wasn't just saying it)

So, I have a small slice of hope that this isn't another FR, but I'm doing my best to protect myself and my girls. He has a long way to go from here.

I'm glad things are a little better today. The referrals are very good news.

You need to get a full STD check as well. Again, I'm no expert, but I think one partner can be negative for some things when they have in fact had the infection and passed it to the other person. I think that herpes can be difficult to detect like that. You must be checked as well.

I don't think the paragraph can stand alone because I think that it refers to something in the part you cut out. I think you need a new beginning paragraph.

Can you hold off sending anything until you get some more help? I know that people here have written non-employer letters. I can't remember reading any to parents, though, but some people here are very good at exposure tactics.

You are doing so well. Don't be surprised if a down period hits you out of the blue. I think that you have a LOT more resentment and doubt to go through yet, but I'm glad today was better.

Tks Sugar, you're advice and thoughts have been so helpful to me, I really appreciate them.

I can definately hold off. My best friend will be handing it to them, and she won't be doing that until we can organise for her to get up there to pick up the last of his things. Trying to do that without breaking N/C is proving to be difficult to work out, as two strangers obviously can't just show up at their door and start taking property.

It's looking like WH will have to go in the van with them and stand outside so he can be seen, but lock himself in the van if OW steps outside the front door. Since her parents have a silent number and WH swears he doesn't know it, we cannot contact them to let them know we're coming. I'm pretty Ok with this, as I know if WH even looks at OW sideways, my best friend is likely to remove vital body organs or punch him one. She's, unsurprisingly, not too happy with WH right about now.

I will go and get tested next week, our local GP has a huge wait time *sigh*. WH looked into changing his work email, unfortunately it's impossible with the stupid way they've set it up, so he's just set up a rule in outlook that anything from her email address gets automatically deleted without being downloaded. He took screenshots of him doing it and emailed it to me.

I've had a few panic attacks and more sickness, but I managed to get a handle on them thankfully. I haven't been sleeping well, which isn't unexpected, but hopefully that will ease with time.

Silver lining, I've been working on losing weight due to serious health issues for months, I've managed to lose 4kg's in the past week! I'd have been much much happier to have kept them and not be dealing with this, or to have lost them in a better way, but being the eternal optimist I am, I'm willing to accept a silver lining where I find it.

*sigh*

The one thing he kept swearing to me, was that he did NOT see her on our wedding anniversary.

Was just checking through his old emails to see if he was telling me the truth in details last night, found an email from our wedding anniversary date. He definately saw her. When I confronted him, he seemed genuinely confused with no memory of it, so I'm not sure if he was deliberately lying to me or if he honestly didn't remember.

The email seemed to imply it would've only been a short contact on his way home from work, so is it possible that he truly forgot all about it?

Good day goes bad so easily.

Like Sugar, composing such a letter is way out of my experience and because it is very important I am loathe to write somthing that may be inapropriate. However, I'll be honest and say that I don't really like much of your letter to the parents. For me it reads as though you are tryung to justify yourself and your M, and you have no need to do that with them.

If I were to have a go, I would write something like this....


Dear OW's parents,

I am the wife of WH and I am the mother of our 2 wonderful daughters. My M to WH is of the utmost importance to me, and I fully intend to honour the vows I took on my wedding day and raise my daughters together with WH.

You will be aware that your daughter has been involved in an adulterous affair with my H. You must agree that adultery is very wrong and as a parent, I expect that you want better for your daughter than to be central to the destruction of a family.

It seems that you have in some ways supported your daughter's adultery with my H, and I now ask that you refrain from playing any further part in mine and my H's M.

My H has written to your daughter (copy letter attached) to let her know that he has returned to our M and wants nothing further to do with her. He will not contact her ever again. We expect her to respect his decision and not to instigate any contact with us whatsover.

My H and I are totally committed to rebuilding our M, and I ask that you respect our wish to do this by discussing the seriousness of this situation with your daughter and encouraging her to move on with her life without my H in it.

I will fight tooth and nail to protect and keep my family intact. Please understand that any attempt at contact by your daughter will result in the filing of harrassment charges. As one parent to another, I simply ask for your support in helping yor daughter and my beloved family to put this behind us.

Kindest regards.....


As I said, I realy don't have the necesaary experience to write a letter of this type, and I hope some vets can come along and put something better together for you.

{{{{{Dazed}}}}}

bump

for help with letter from vets..