What is a rational expectation for a healthy 56 year old man to have for a healthy 59 year old woman regarding sexual desire and performance (in a dating relationship)?

In my dreams, I'm still 29.... LOL

The expectation should be NONE, ZIP, ZERO, Nadda, The Banks Closed, etc because Expectation are nothing more than Premeditated Resentments. But all seriousness aside, there are many factors that would go into that, labido of both partners, schedules, and very importantly the Condition of Love in the relationship. The man in the relationship likely desires to have sex to show his love and the woman will want sex if she feels loved.....

Jungian...

I'm not sure what you're asking. Um...you're going from a much younger woman to a more mature woman. You have to remember that.

My advice would be to spend a certain amount of time strengthening the friendship and getting inside her head and being O&H with her too, so that you can get some idea what she wants out of life and out of a partner and vice versa before you decide to become intimate.

You aren't old geezers by any means, but you also don't want to waste each others' time if you can't or aren't interested in filling each others' other emotional needs, either.

I agree with Soolee. Be O&H and find out if she is enthusiastic about meeting your need for SF. There is no normal. There is no should. There is just what each of you wants and is enthusiastic about doing.

Also, remember the demographics. Unlike at younger ages, men who can function sexually become a "hot commodity" as they get older. Women's longer life expentancy means women outnumber men by a wide margin as both groups age. So don't sell yourself short. After all, someone is having sex with all those old guys who are buying billions worth of Viagra!

I'd suggest reading Sheet Music by Lehman, the same author who wrote Five Love Language.

Is there a desire difference between a hormonal 37 year old woman and a 59 year old woman. Is there any desire post menopause? If so, how does it compare with a woman in her late thirties? I just don't know.

Gary Chapman wrote the Five Love Languages.

What's Sheet Music?

Sheet Music is by Kevin Leman. Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.

Did you read the responses, jungian?

There is not such thing as normal, reasonable, etc. What is it you're looking for from the question you ask? Are you unwilling to get to know this woman on a an individual basis to find out more about her as a person and her desires? Why do you assume there is an answer people who don't know either of you can provide that can shed even a hint of light on your personal situation?

Dating...it's all about getting to know another through personal interaction.

Women who like sex like it at any age. Women who do not like sex do not like it at any age.

Find out what kind of woman this is. Does she like sex or not? I love sex and I am almost 55.

At some point, sex becomes so infrequent that some people stop thinking about it. They can't honestly say that they don't enjoy it, because they don't do it enough to know. If you enjoyed it for years, and then find yourself losing interest in it, there is a cause. Waiting to figure out the causes, unravel them, and suddenly "feeling like it" again is unrealistic. You have to take initiative and start doing it to even have a chance of figuring out what caused your problem.

I've been researching answers from different women at various sites. There is not one consistent answer. Some women like sex more and some don't. If I look at myself - there's a big difference from when I was 29-39 and now. I'm much more enthusiastic in the bedroom and want SF more. I have not gone through menopause yet.

Gg

There is no norm. That would be comparison. We all know that the women of our dreams cannot be compared to any other and if she knows that, and you know that, desire shouldn't be a problem.

Now if we have to put performance and comparisons in play, you might as well give up.

Barring any physical issues like ED or Drastic hormone changes the desire to be as close as you can be to your wife and her to you should end up in sexual activity or at least personal intimacy.

Its the closeness and trust that brings it about IMO

Not sure why, but SF is just not happening (twice in 3 months of dating)... Just wondering... Previous relationship was not like this (GF was much younger but I don't know if that's why). Me- only 1 LB in 3 months, meeting her ENs, but don't see any effort in making SF happen. Not moralistic, physical attraction is good both ways. When I bring it up, it's like a need on both ends, but no change/action in making it happen. She's busy, but so is the rest of the world... I offer to schedule SF, but no response...

jungian, I got curious and researched this a bit.
Most of what you'll find are fluff articles, but there are some genuine studies which are interesting, by professionals with an interest in dissecting the various reasons for the numbers.

Stephen B. Levine, M.D, clinical professor of psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland, Ohio, and the author of Sexuality in Mid-Life.

AARP/Modern Maturity Sexuality Study
http://www.aarpmagazine.org/lifestyle/relationships/great_sex.html

Long-term (30-year) study following 1,500 Swedish adults.
The British Medical Journal
article about it by a columnist who follows this subject:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/22/more-sex-for-todays-seniors/

Thanks, Retread. One point in the aarp article suggests that women in all age categories, but moreso in later years, value friendships and family over SF. I can see this in my sitch here. But I am asking myself why I would commit here when quite possibly my need for SF will go unmet. I fear setting up house here when I'm told things will get better so just hang in there. I'm trying not to compare age differences in women, but then again, in this area I personally am experiencing a big difference.

This is a problem:

Why is it that women would value friendships outside of marriage more than friendship with their husband, or even with a lover whom they want to marry? Are they oblivious to the reality that their husband has to receive more than any of these friends, and especially physical affection?

I wonder if they really believe that, or have just convinced themselves that this is the best they can do, that they cannot have the physical relationship with a man "like young people do"?

I'm not sure you can blame it all on hormones or not. Younger women typically have younger children and are having to make the transition from the single or married/no kids lifestyle to the young mom...sometimes even the young SAHM lifestyle.

For me, this was a difficult transition. I found it interferred with my desire for SF. On the other hand, now I'm over the age of 50, kids are older and one is out of the house and I find I have a greater desire for SF. Not so tired and stressed all the time. Not feeling pulled in fifteen different directions. Also, post menopausal women (I'm not there yet!), have no need for birth control and that's a freeing concept as well.

Not everyone is the same, so I'm not offering it up as any kind of scientific evidence, just ancetodal.

Jungian, you have been here long enough that I am not going to sugar coat this. You would only commit here if you are a masochist like me. Are you?

You have a high need for SF. You admit that your partner values friendship and family over SF. And that she finds it difficult to provide you with SF when she does not want it for herself. Yet you are considering committing to monogamy with her.

You are asking yourself a good question. Why am I doing this? I would ask yourself another question. Why do I refuse to accept the answer that is so clear? Why am I even considering a commitment here? What fear is pushing me to commit here? What are some other ways I can address this fear?

Even if most women in your age bracket are less interested in sex than you are, there are women who are interested in sex. Go find one. Even if that means you may not be living within a committed relationship any time soon. To me single beats partnered but frustrated. YMMV.

Look within yourself and decide whether to you, companionship is worth enough that you can happily commit even without the sex. If not (and there is nothing wrong with you if you can't), then don't commit to someone who has shown through their behavior that they cannot commit to meeting your EN for SF.

OurHouse, I hear what you are saying.
I am not blaming it all on hormones.
Hormones are powerful. They are a fact. Have-a-baby-now drive, post-partum depression, PMS, menopause. I think there are more men aware of this and more women in denial of it.

I would think like you do, that having the children out of the house and no worries about pregnancy should be causes for revival of middle-age sex life. But you can't sit around and just wait for it to kick in, because there are less hormones to kick in. You can't be out of practice for 20 years and suddenly pick up where you left off 20 years ago.

Women, and men, need to take active steps to prevent their sex life spiraling further downward and breaking up their marriage late in life. I think a lot of the men you see walking out at age 55 and 60 weren't just waiting for the children to be grown; they were happily married until then, when their wives decided they were too old, too tired, or too busy for sex.

Rather than blaming it on hormones, I think hormones are used as an excuse. Look at the case of men: modern surgical techniques for prostate cancer now enable some men to still have the same sexual activity they had before surgery. They don't have as much libido because of what is essentially a vasectomy which is part of the surgery. They take longer to become aroused, like women do. They like to take things slow and many report they enjoy lovemaking more, because they are not so heated up. So women can do the same.