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the lady from facebook.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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OK, I did that.

I'm going home now, I'll let you know tomorrow morning how things went.

Thanks everybody for all advices!

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OMG, I am very upset, please please please tell me I did the right thing for my M.

I sent a message to all OW�s friends in her FB yesterday. I didn�t say anything to my H and just kept it a secret. One of the people on her list though knew my H and called us last night to ask him if that was true (the guy thought it was a spam). My H was at home, we were having dinner when the guy called him and my H was shocked! I heard him saying it was true, that it was probably a message from me and then he APOLOGIZED to that guy for my �mistake� in getting other people involved in our problems. Then it was HELL, just hell.

He said that there is no hope for us now. Not for a real marriage. He said he didn�t have to go through all this if he was not serious about us, because he chose to confess his A to me while all men just keep quiet. He said he did that because he really believed it had been a mistake and he wanted to work in our marriage and I never understood or appreciated that. He said we have problems in our M and we both have to work on them, that he is doing everything I ask him because he knows how much he hurt me, and that the only thing he needed was to not involve OW in our lives anymore and I couldn�t do that. He says he now understands what I feel, what it is to not be able to trust the person you married to and what chances a marriage has in this situation?

We had a huge fight, I�ve never seen so upset, so disappointed and yes, so HURT like he was last night. He told me what I did will not make any difference in our R, I had exposed him already and only wanted to expose her to punish her. I was very upset and I told him it was true, that I hate her and I want her dead, called her names and said that if he cared so much about her he could go back to her. He said if he wanted to do that he would have done it already and that he was very disappointed to see how hateful I was. He then said this is the real problem in our marriage, every time there is an issue I blame something else, another person or another situation, when the real problem is us. He said OW had nothing to do with our problems, she was a person he met when he was having issues and that instead of working his issues with me he went after her, but that she had nothing do with our M. He said our M was bad before the A, it was bad during the A and it certainly is bad now, after the A ended.

I�ve never seen him like that before. He said �she will probably lose her job, she will hate me forever, she may lose all her friends and maybe she�ll end up lonely and bitter and sad like you dream. Who knows, if you are lucky, maybe she will die soon too, will you be happy with that? Do you think that this will make our M stronger?� He said I have no idea what happened between them, that she had helped him and loved him during his lowest period, and that he will never hate her like I want him to. He said she could have made me the most miserable person on earth if she wanted to hurt me� and she chose not to. He even said �ask your friends in the internet how their OW behaved, you have no idea how much hurt she could have brought to you�. I told him she was not a saint, she had slept with a MARRIED man and he said he knew that, she knew that too, that�s why they had ended it, that�s why she was moving on with her life. But that it was not enough for me, I did that just to make her feel miserable and that this is more important to me than working in our M.

He slept in the basement last night and left to work this morning without talking to me. I wanted to check her FB again this morning but she deleted her account. Then I checked my e-mails and she had sent me a message. She wrote �For the last time I will tell you, I will not discuss my R with H with you, GO TALK TO HIM to fix your issues and leave me alone. This e-mail address will be closed now and I will not answer any messages, calls or letters from you ever again. If you continue harassing and trying to get in contact with me, I will call the police.�

I don�t know what�s going to happen now. I didn�t tell him one of her FB friends told me she had moved. I don�t think he knows that. I tried to talk to him when I got calmer last night but he didn�t want to hear anything from me, he just said we should separate since it�s �obvious� we both don�t respect each others feelings, got his clothes and went to the basement. I feel so sad. Later that night I heard him crying for a long time. I don�t know if he was crying because of me, our M or her�

He left this morning with a luggage and took some clothes with him. He didn�t take a ride with our friend as usual, he drove his car to work. I don�t know what that means� I just called him at work and he didn�t answer, I talked to my brother and he told me H is very quiet, looks depressed and is not talking to anybody.

Now what?

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Winter, I know you are devastated right now but you really did the right thing.
How dare you H talk to you about the OW as if she was a saint. The words he said are the EXACT same one my H said to me when we were "recovering" from his first A. She helped him at a very low point in his life, our M had problems before, during (dahh) and after (double dahh) the A. She was nice...she could have ruined me if she wanted to...bla bla
Men like these are not over the A and will cheat again. You can bet on that.
If he can't let go of her, if he can't understand that you are more important no matter what you do and that you have the right to have your feelings honored...then he did the right thing to leave.
Do not beat yourself up for this Winter. Wait and see what happens in the next few days. It is too early to tell.
Blessing


atena
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Now watch as the affair starts to crumble. Good job, Winter!

You're going to have some tough moments as the fallout spreads, so make sure you come here and rant, vent, cry and worry. To the world at large you must appear calm and confident.

You have done the right thing. Never forget that!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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YES, The A was not dead yet...that is why your H was so heated about it..he was hoping to resume it soon,. Now it is really over for OW and your H.
blessing


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Typical wayward babble. Do NOT allow him to bully you like this! OW is a skank. You know that. We all know that. If there are any repercussions on her it will be because she made the decision to be a low-life sleaze who involved herself with a married man. Not once is she going to hear "Okay, we have to fire you now because the BS is upset." Count on it.

Come here so your resolve doesn't weaken. You have struck a huge blow into this A. That's the fallout you're going to be seeing.

Good job on the exposure.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 02/05/10 09:05 AM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Now watch as the affair starts to crumble. Good job, Winter!

You're going to have some tough moments as the fallout spreads, so make sure you come here and rant, vent, cry and worry. To the world at large you must appear calm and confident.

You have done the right thing. Never forget that!

He says the affair was done already and doing this was "overkill', just to hurt OW. He is taking all the blame and exposing him to our family and friends was a huge wake-up call. He just doesn't see that exposing her is part of our R, and maybe I didn't know how to show that... I made very clear last night how much I hate her and I was happy she would suffer, so he's using this as a proof I am not interested in working on our issues and just wanted revenge.

I asked my friend to go to her house to confirm she is not living there anymore. She told me it's true, the new owners said they bought her house some weeks ago and that the previous owner (the OW) was moving to another state. It looks like she is done with my H, I wonder if HE is done with her too.

I NEVER saw my H cry before, never. Not even when his father passed away, he was always very controlled. I can't still believe how much he cried last night and I think he was crying for her... I am so hurt.

He still doesn't want to talk to me.
:-(

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Originally Posted by atena
YES, The A was not dead yet...that is why your H was so heated about it..he was hoping to resume it soon,. Now it is really over for OW and your H.
blessing

But what do I do now? He doesn't want to talk to me and I think he'll want to be away from me for a while... should I just pretend I don't care? Should I try to talk to him?

I'm afraid of losing him, he was doing well in our R before that...

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No Winter, he was not doing well on the R. He was still defending OW and the scary thing he was saying is that she HELPED him at a time when he was at a low point. So you know what, next time things reach a low point again...he is going to look for another woman to help him thru. I can tell you that for sure...it becomes a lifestyle. It did for my H. And again, your H's words are a copy of what mine said...
This is a great chance for your H to work thru his grief and issues. Yes, he is crying for her. Imagine how over he was...really.
YOu did the right thing.
blessing


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I think the OW made some very positive statements that support the end of the A. That doesn't mean the A is over. The A isn't over until your WH comes out of his fog and makes advances toward R.

I can only speculate the reason for the crying. I suspect it's the result of a few things:

Realizing that your actions have dealt what is probably a fatal blow to the A. Before this he may have been thinking that it is something he could go back to.

The guilt and the embarrassment that exposure brings.

Mainly, though, he may be wallowing in self-pity - his life is a mess, he had it all together before and now it's gone to he77, why do bad things happen to him, his 'crutch' is gone, etc. It's part of the withdrawal process.


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Originally Posted by winter1939
He says the affair was done already and doing this was "overkill', just to hurt OW. He is taking all the blame and exposing him to our family and friends was a huge wake-up call. He just doesn't see that exposing her is part of our R, and maybe I didn't know how to show that... I made very clear last night how much I hate her and I was happy she would suffer, so he's using this as a proof I am not interested in working on our issues and just wanted revenge.

I asked my friend to go to her house to confirm she is not living there anymore. She told me it's true, the new owners said they bought her house some weeks ago and that the previous owner (the OW) was moving to another state. It looks like she is done with my H, I wonder if HE is done with her too.

I NEVER saw my H cry before, never. Not even when his father passed away, he was always very controlled. I can't still believe how much he cried last night and I think he was crying for her... I am so hurt.

He still doesn't want to talk to me. :-(
Typical wayward bullch!t. "The affair was already over" is babblespeak for, "I'm rewriting history as I talk. The affair wasn't over, but now that you've driven a stake in its heart, I'm going to pretend it was."

I also love how waywards try to 'guilt' the betrayed spouse by saying, "you want to hurt OW." Oh, really? Just what do you think you were doing to ME while you were out violating your vows?

You have a tremendous Plan A opportunity now. His anger will subside and, if OW has truly moved and they're out of touch, his withdrawal will start setting in.

Be strong. You have the high ground right now. Don't give it up.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
I think the OW made some very positive statements that support the end of the A. That doesn't mean the A is over. The A isn't over until your WH comes out of his fog and makes advances toward R.

I can only speculate the reason for the crying. I suspect it's the result of a few things:

Realizing that your actions have dealt what is probably a fatal blow to the A. Before this he may have been thinking that it is something he could go back to.

The guilt and the embarrassment that exposure brings.

Mainly, though, he may be wallowing in self-pity - his life is a mess, he had it all together before and now it's gone to he77, why do bad things happen to him, his 'crutch' is gone, etc. It's part of the withdrawal process.

But what do I do now?

I am not sure I wanted to know what I know now. That the OW closed the door to him and he was fighting to keep it open.
:-(

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Yep, she dumped him and he was hoping to re-start it with her. NOw you killed that hope.
She inflicted tremendous pain on you. Your H does not mention that does he? He only talks about the pain you give her..! Really?! He will come out of the fog. He should thank you for the slap in the face you are giving him and her.
blessing


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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
I also love how waywards try to 'guilt' the betrayed spouse by saying, "you want to hurt OW." Oh, really? Just what do you think you were doing to ME while you were out violating your vows?

You have a tremendous Plan A opportunity now. His anger will subside and, if OW has truly moved and they're out of touch, his withdrawal will start setting in.

Be strong. You have the high ground right now. Don't give it up.

But this is the point, he says HE violated our vows, HE hurt me and that exposing her after the A was done, was only to "hurt" her and that we should be working on our M.

I'm not trying to defend him, I'm just repeating what he told me because I don't know how to refute that. I DID want to hurt her and was not even thinking about what the expsoure could do to their A, I just wanted to shame her. I don't even know if I accomplished that, nobody wrote to me saying anything.

Please, tell me what should I do NOW? Do I go after him, try to talk to him, pretend I don't care he left our house?

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Originally Posted by winter1939
[He says the affair was done already and doing this was "overkill', just to hurt OW. He is taking all the blame and exposing him to our family and friends was a huge wake-up call. He just doesn't see that exposing her is part of our R, and maybe I didn't know how to show that... I made very clear last night how much I hate her and I was happy she would suffer, so he's using this as a proof I am not interested in working on our issues and just wanted revenge.
:-(

winter, your H is upset because you have slammed the door shut on his affair and he can't go back now. He sounds very, very foggy. I suspect what happened is that the OW dumped him recently but he still held out hope that she would take him back. This is how he has operated for years.

You have done nothing wrong. It is wrong to have an affair. It is wrong to lie. It is wrong to sleep with married men. IT IS NOT WRONG TO EXPOSE SUCH BAD BEHAVIOR.

Do you understand, winter? You have done nothing wrong. Nothing.

This is not about revenge for the OW, this is a consequence of her own behavior with your husband. If she hadn't slept with a married man, there would be nothing to expose.

winter, just calm down and he will be back. He is angry that you have interfered with his affair and made is extremely hard to ever go back. I strongly suspect he was hoping for a way to get back with her and you have now disappointed that hope.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by winter1939
But what do I do now?

I am not sure I wanted to know what I know now. That the OW closed the door to him and he was fighting to keep it open.
:-(
Plan A.

You make yourself into the wonderful woman he fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

This is not "Plan Doormat." This just means that you understand his withdrawal (just like an alcoholic or addict goes through withdrawal) will mean he's going through his own version of the "emotional rollercoaster."

Avoid Love Busters, but make it clear that you want to work on the marriage and build it into something better and stronger than it was.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Winter, the A was all about him. He needs to face the fact that you drive the R bus. Quietly tell him that exposing OW for who she is gives you the peace and assurance that she is truly out of your lives and will help you to get through the devasation that the A wreaked on your life. Now you can begin to R personally as well as in your M.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Originally Posted by winter1939
[q

But this is the point, he says HE violated our vows, HE hurt me and that exposing her after the A was done, was only to "hurt" her and that we should be working on our M.

*SHE* slept with your husband, winter. You don't get any more cruel than that. Everyone should know that is the kind of cruel, heartless person she is. You are not obliged to protect her by keeping her filthy secret.

I wouldn't go after him. He is upset that you have ruined his affair and is not in his right mind. He will calm down.

AND QUIT REACTING TO HIS ANGER, WINTER!! Stop it. He is not in his right mind. You have snatched the crack pipe from a crack head, that is all. He won't be angry anymore when he sobers up from his affair high.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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winter, your husband is trying to make you the BAD GUY when you are actually the victim here. And you are buying it! You are allowing yourself to be manipulated.

It is bad to commit adultery.

It is bad to lie to your spouse

It is bad to sleep with another womans husband

It is not "bad" to expose those crimes to others


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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