this is embarassing to put out there, but I have high hopes that we have a chance of finding someone who's gone through this and can give us hope of healing. i know it won't be easy, in fact, i'm certain of the difficulties that we face as a family. however, i have faith we can make this work or she would be gone...


our story:

We�ve been married (currently) for about four and a half years, and have been together for about 10.

I am a married man, who commutes a total of 190 miles daily. When I found out my wife was pregnant, I immediately wished to get a better job to help our new family, and so began the commute. Because of my work I was hardly home throughout her pregnancy, and through the first two years of our son�s life. She encountered post-partum depression and became withdrawn. I didn�t truly recognize how serious it was for her and, in fact, misinterpreted it as total loss of interest in me and anything to do with me. I therefore allowed myself to become distant as well. Zoning out during the long drives and losing touch with our family.

After about a year and a half, I had developed a friendship with a co-worker. We talked about our relationships, and I thought it was OK because I needed a third party to talk to about my relationship. However, I did not realize fully that I was slowly being convinced that my marriage would never work. That my wife just wanted me to change and that it was the same problem as my co-worker�s previously failed marriage. I was weak, distressed, and through a very recent problem in my own life also worn down with delusions that my wife was planning to leave me after my legal troubles were through.

My friendship with my co-worker turned to e-mails to each other, I turned to her with questions about my relationship because I couldn�t talk to anyone close to me, and was continually convinced there was no way it could work. This led to a very short term affair and we slept together three times in a week. At the time, I was sick to myself, before, during, and after, but allowed myself to be convinced that it was OK. I would come home and try and talk to my wife without consideration for her conditions and made the assumptions that she still wanted nothing to do with me. Through the fog I didn�t allow myself the time to realize that she was in the worst depression of her life, the stress of raising a child while Daddy�s gone at work builds up so strongly. I was ignorant to this and convinced myself it was her planning to leave.

Even though, in my mind, my wife was leaving me for what I�d done recently, all I could think about during that time was her. I kept thinking in my head that I wished I was spending this time with her, but I allowed myself to be with this other woman. I know it�s probably impossible for my wife to ever understand this, and so I�ve found no way to explain it to her. All I have is the sinking feeling in my heart that I want to just explode with my emotions into her mind without my lack of verbal skills getting in the way, without her anger blocking it out.

I chose to end the affair, after all I could think about was my family, and couldn�t believe that I let it happen. I still don�t know why I let it happen three times after the way I felt. I then chose to tell my wife that I had feelings for this other person, and that I wanted it to end, I wanted us to be a good family and I wanted to be a good man. It was terribly hard for me to even go to this length, but I practically wrote her a book and decided that if she left me, I�d let her, because I was worthless and full of shame. No matter how I loved my family, I should have never allowed this to happen.

What I did wrong at this point, was allow her (and myself) to believe that her depression and our �distance� had been the culprit. I allowed us to believe that I only developed feelings for her, but did not sleep with her. I was so disgusted with myself that every time I tried to bring it to the surface I choked, and kept it in. I failed my wife terribly with that lack of information.

After I ended the affair with the other woman, I allowed myself to remain friends with her. She was our receptionist and I was scared of the conflict which could happen at work, and even more scared of losing my job and not being able to support our family. I even felt bad for her after getting to know her on a more personal level, and hearing all the stories about her life and constantly knowing about her children, etc. The worst part is the current economy and the loss of work in my area. I�m stuck with a 95 mile drive to work without even professional recruiters being able to find work for me in my field. At one point (before the affair) I had an opportunity to take a pay cut and work closer to home, and my employer gave us a $10,000 raise and offered to pay my gas. It was hard, and I don�t think either me or my wife really wanted it, but money is tight and we thought it�d be good for our family. Anyways, my friendship persisted which I convinced myself was OK because we weren�t sleeping together, and the personal e-mails had stopped. We worked together, and I was convinced it wasn�t an affair if I wasn�t sleeping with her or spending any unnecessary time with her.

During the remaining period of friendship, we still talked about personal things, probably because we felt comfortable about it. I still had the random comment about how my wife wouldn�t change, but now I would defend her because I realized her condition. I knew she was still depressed and she loved me, and I loved her and my son. My mistake, as it bred jealousy. Jealousy to the point that caused this woman to somehow dig up my wife�s phone number out of my phone and begin contact, so long after what had happened.

Now, nearly a year later, my wife mysteriously gets text messages (on a night I planned a whole date and time without our son for relaxation, no less) about how good it is to sleep with me. I hated myself and denied it for a couple days until the rage built up in her and I let it out. How badly I wanted her to know didn�t numb me to the pain I now feel putting myself in her shoes. I let her know that I slept with her all three times. Now she knows. Now she has withdrawn further.

At the beginning of the week after the text messages, I ignored our secretary. I intentionally kept my distance and was disgusted with myself for how I allowed this all to develop. If I was stronger, I tell myself, it would have never happened. After I neglected to say hello, and wouldn�t respond to her request to find out what was wrong with me, she sent a nasty e-mail condemning me to a life of misery with a wife who would never love me and would always put me down. She had no clue the love I have for my family and I freaked out. I confronted her about the messages, I confronted another employee who was with her all night, and have since been written up for verbal assault on co-workers. The woman I had an affair with was on thin ice and was fired. Now I�m on thin ice and �other employees are uncomfortable around me.� I believe my experience is the only thing keeping me here.

At this point, I think she�s convinced that there�s nothing that can save us. I understand her rage, her hatred, and her pain. I cannot possibly forgive myself. I know I�ll never forgive myself. I keep telling myself that this isn�t �me.� This isn�t something �I� would do.

If only I was closer to home, if only , if only, if only� There is no excuse. There is nothing I can do to make this less wrong, there is nothing I can do to change the past, there is nothing I can do to convince the people around my wife that this really, and truthfully, isn�t me.

I�ve tried so hard in my life to make my family my priority. I used to spend so much time with my friends playing f�n video games and now I barely see my best friend once every other week, and it bothers me less and less. All I can think about is my family, all I can do I pray that God sees what is in me and somehow lets her know. Everything I look at reminds me of her, somehow. I�m crushing myself and wish I died so that the good things would be remembered. I�ve been smoking so many cigs that it�s making me sick, and this morning on the way to work I blacked out, somehow cut off a bunch of cars from the fast lane and headed straight for a barrier, snapped out of it because of the ridges on the side of the road (thank God for that or I�d likely have never seen my son again), almost flipped the damn car and had to pull over and was puking all over the side of the road.

I�m so disgusted with myself I almost think that she should leave me, or that I should leave her, but I can�t get the feeling of loving my family out of me. I think that if she would have left me at the time of the affair, I may have just withdrawn and let go, but I�m so overwhelmed with wanting to be a good family, and making myself a good husband, I don�t want to let it go. I read every day about her illness, trying to discover ways I can help. I try and read about making myself a better man for her. All the time I used to spend on personal interests is now devoted to my family and how I can be a good person, and now this all came back. It�s what I get for biting the apple I guess, for neglecting my wife at her worst and allowing someone else to pry their way into our lives. It�s all my fault and I�ve no clue what to do about it.

I don�t know exactly why I put this all out there, you�re all strangers to me. I guess maybe I�m hoping someone out there in these billions of people we live amongst has had some type of similar experience and grown from it. I pray so hard that she won�t go, that she�ll remember all I�ve been trying to do for our family. I even told my job that I�m looking for work closer to home and now they�re going to replace me, so now I also pray that I get a job because I can�t begin to imagine how this marriage will work with another truckload of financial stress piled on top of this affair and all of our previous problems. How could I do this to her? How could I be so blind as to let someone convince me that there�s no way my marriage could work?

We were just getting to new beginnings, and now I just want to die and probably would if we weren�t a family. I almost died today I think and have spent all morning not working because this is all I can think about. I should have stayed home, but maybe God wants me alive because we can make it work. Who knows. If you read this far, I appreciate your curiosity, or whatever it is that drove you to do so. I wonder if maybe someone can help me understand why I could have done something so terrible to someone I love so much, and maybe there is someone out there who�s gone through this and can talk to us. Who knows�

how i wish i could afford it.

It's an investment not a cost.

Divorce is a long term financial and emotional disaster. Children's lives are destroyed.

Send your betrayed wife here. She could get a lot of help dealing with the huge blow she has suffered.

First, kudos for being brave enough to share your story. I know it was not easy.

The question you need to ask yourself is, How can you afford NOT to make that call?

Chris is right. It's an investment. A darn good one for your entire family.

Definately encourage your wife to come here. Lots of help is available, and she is in need of as much support as she can get right now.

lgr, may I?

What I'm seeing a lot of in your post is "me me me me" with a big dollup of "I I I I I" thrown in for good measure. I'm hoping that's just your way of telling the story of your infidelity and you and your wife's, marriage, and not just someone looking for a pity party. You screwed up. I gotcha. You want to repair the M. Gotcha there, too.

Here's what you said, let me know if I misunderstood something:

You had a long-distance commute to your job that created stress in your home. You chose a pay raise of what amounts to small potatoes over being closer to your family and relieving that stress. You had a pregnant wife who had/has health issues.

Instead of talking about what the two of you were going through you chose to confide in a female at work. You developed an emotional attachment to her that led to your decision to have an affair (A).

Your guilt caused you to end the physical affair, but it continued on an emotional level by the continued conversations. The other woman (OW) took these conversations as a sign that the A would likely continue at some point. When she realized that wasn't the case, she went "Fatal Attraction" on you and let your betrayed wife (BW) know about the A.

You lashed back at her and another employee she appeared to be hooking up with (if I were your employer that would scream 'lover's triangle' to me, and no employer wants that crap going on in their place of business) and are now realizing that A's don't happen in a vacuum and your job could be in jeopardy.

Meanwhile. Back at the ranch. I'm trying to read between the lines to find out just exactly what your BW is thinking, but all of those "me me me's" are getting in the way. How about you post again and tell us a little bit about your W. What does SHE say about all of this? Has she been diagnosed with depression and is she receiving medical treatment? How old is your child now?

You're putting this out to a bunch of strangers because you need release from your guilt. Nothing wrong with that, except the person you need to talk to is your BW. But okay - we've been where the two of you are. Let's see if we can help.

Tell us a little bit more about your wife and what you feel she's thinking.

YOU wrote:



NO excuses.

You still among the living?

Regretful,

13 months ago, I was pretty much where you are. I never wanted to leave my wife, but there were things that she & I had let slide in our marriage, and suddenly when someone else started dropping some little affirmations my way, I started making lousy decisions, telling lies, living a deceitful life.

There may well be a chance you can save your marriage, but it isn't going to be all-better & forgotten quickly or without lots of work on your part.

Some things that I discovered in the process of crawling out of my own self-inflicted marital train-wreck:

--Complete honesty on your part is essential. "Trickle-truth" will set you back. Trying to "protect" your wife's feelings by hiding secrets from her will make your marital recovery that much harder, not simpler. (You tried to keep the affair a secret, just like I did. See where that got ya, eh?) Tell her whatever she asks. (Any attempts at covering your butt will be seen as exactly that -- as acts of pure self(ish)-interest.) Make sure you're being honest with yourself & your wife about the full extent of your affair. Don't let yourself come off sounding in her ears like you're trying to minimze what happened. You need to be honest about the full extent & history of the adulterous relationship. And right now, it's possible that your wife may need honesty from you, more than any of the things you've been doing around the house, more than any money you make, perhaps more than anything else you can give her.

--Resist the urge to try to explain your actions. While there are explanations, please keep in mind that explanations are NOT the same as excuses (and there are no excuses for what people like you & I did when we cheated). A betrayed spouse is most likely not in any condition to be able to distinguish between explanations & attempted excuses.

--Let her be angry & vent. Remember that you -- the one person who swore to protect her -- have just taken her heart & dashed it to the ground. She's got every right to be upset. If she wants space, give her space. If she wants you to get out of the house for a spell, then get out of the house. If she wants you to go to a marriage counselor, don't argue with her on that. If she wants time with you, then give it to her. If she wants you to hold her & shuddup, then hold her & keep yer mouth shut. If she asks questions, answer, with no fudging.

--It's essential that you cease ALL contact with the other woman immediately & henceforth. Any contact will set you back. This is non-negotiable. If the other woman has been fired, that's fine; but it also sounds like she may be a little wacko. You may need to change your phone numbers, your e-mail addresses. If she's a real nutjob ,then you may need to relocate your residence (hopefully it won't come to that). One of the best things you can do for your wife is to demonstrate that you're having NO contact with this other woman, ever. (Look up "extraordinary precautions" on this site.)

--If you don't want to lose your wife, tell her so, unequivocally. This is the time to check any pride at the door. You want to be trusted again by her someday, so you're going to have to be willing to commit an act of trust, by placing your heart entirely in her hands, to see if she rejects it or (with time) accepts it. (And again, truth: She deserves to be able to make this choice under conditions of truth from you, not laboring under any lingering deceit. If you want her to forgive you, then she has to know all it is that you need to be forgiven for.)

--Obtain & read the book "Surviving An Affair" ASAP! As my wife says, it's a book that may well have saved our marriage. The first part provides some very useful perspective on affairs; the second part has lots of great advice for assessing your & your wife's needs & relationship, in ways that'll help you to better meet each other's emotional needs, so that the odds of either of you getting into anything like this again should be reduced. Ideally, you & your wife should read it together, or at least each of you read it & discuss each section, and do the evaluations & exercises together.

--Patience on your part is essential. You probably want to forget this ever happened. But you won't; neither will your wife. Perhaps you can make your relationship with her better than it was before your affair, and you can get it back to a place where it won't seem like work; but it will take lots of work & patience to get to that place. Think in terms of months & maybe years, not days/weeks.

--Don't go thinking or talking or acting like you deserve any credit for having been devoting yourself to your family between when you broke off the physical affair & when you got found out. The hole in that boat is that you've been living a lie for a long while, and now your wife has every right to question everything that's happened since you started the emotional affair, before it even got physical. For her, since she's just found out, it's as good as if your affair ended only yesterday. That's the reality of how your wife feels.

--Let's assume that you're indeed feeling like crap, because you've let yourself down. I've been there. But keep the focus on how SHE feels. This is no time for a self-pity party. You need to be letting her know that you're sorry, if it means hitting your knees & saying so every day. And words aren't enough... you need to live that way, with consideration for what SHE wants, what SHE needs to hear from you, what SHE needs you to do for her. As maritalbliss indicated, it's time to forget about "me, me, me, I, I, I."

--Own your affair. That means, no talk about how you were stressed out by the long commute or the time away or the emotional distance between you & your wife after your son was born. Lots of people deal with stress & don't break their marriage vows. Acknowledge that you made bad choices, that you let your boundaries slip in ways you never should have, that you allowed your emotional needs to get filled by someone whom you should have never engaged in personal conversations to begin with. The best way to regain your wife's trust is to start recognizing why you broke that trust, and to shore up your boundaries so that it's less likely to happen again. And you need to reshift the balance in your life to MAKE time for your marital relationship a priority.

Don't get scared off by some of the 2x4's that you'll get on this site. There are lots of betrayed spouses here, and their comments oughtta give you some insight into the profound pain that people like you & me cause to our spouses. Recovering a marriage takes a thick skin & a lot of introspection. It takes placing pity for your wife over your self-pity about how lousy you may feel over what you've done. Stick around. When you get good advice, act on it. Ask questions. There are lots of folks here who are a lot smarter than me, who have saved their marriages also, and who also can better fill you in on how your wife might be feeling right now.

P.S. -- some abbreviations you'll see people using:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

P.P.S. -- I don't wanna hear that you can't afford good marriage counseling, either with the Harleys or with a local counselor who adheres to MarriageBuilders principles (such as those you'll find in "Surviving An Affair", which was the first book our counselor made me & my wife read.) The only people who say stupid stuff like "I can't afford a good marriage counselor" are people who have no friggin' CLUE how much divorce lawyers cost. You got $5K laying around for a retainer (maybe $3K if you live in the sticks)? And that's what it'll cost ya for starters, even before you lose a decision & have to start paying spousal & child support. It's time to start investing a fraction of that in your marriage if you wanna keep it, as you say you do.

Longregretful. I am a WW who is just starting the process of switching gears to live the fact that it is not about me, me, me. It is about the damage done to your wife, my husband, and every other BS. I can imagine you dont like hearing the things folks say about you on here because I don't like hearing it. But, the horror of what we have done to our loved ones is like killing someone. If we killed somebody, nobody would tell us "it's ok, i know you didn't mean it." Same with this.

Resolve to become a better person and reprogram your inside thoughts, feelings, plans, morals, values to help your WW heal even if it means you ultimately lose her.

longregretful: when a WS (wayward spouse) goes MIA it's usually because they don't like to read what they're reading.That's okay - you don't have to like it. But if you want to save your M you'd better plan to keep reading. Lurk as much as you wish, but DON'T leave. Read and learn.

it's sadly amazing how active this forum is. what's best is how there seems to be a large number of people who stick around.

as far as the comments here, they are truly appreciated. i hardly ever wanted this to be about "me, me, me" and hope it can be about "we, we, we" (or should i say "us, us, us"). that is, everything about this other than who's fault this is.

unquestionably, this is my fault. no matter what mental state i was in, my wife was in just as bad, if not worse, of a situation. she would have never done this to me, and i know that is an unwavering truth. an amazing woman, this one. and if i don't lose her over this poor decision of mine, i'll be one lucky man.

i can understand why it's fairly difficult to find "success" stories from couples who's made it through a situation like this.

i've been spending some time since my son went to bed thinking of her doing the same thing. forcing myself to picture what she's picturing now. very tough.

also, you're all right. i should never have allowed myself to consider what i've been doing lately as anything other than what i should be doing EVERY day. that's not to say that i don't plan on it, but rather, that i understand why it doesn't matter to her at this point.

i guess i've allowed myself to try and ease the pain on her, because i know how much it hurts her. i've crossed her line, and she doesn't want me to come back over it. she really doesn't know if she'll ever let me back over it.

i did this. i caused the pain. i risked removing myself from the life of my child.

all i can do is be fully honest with her and hope she allows me to do so. if i can convince her to do the counseling with me i will consider myself blessed. i know it's going to take some serious time, and some serious work, but i do know the love we have is strong, if we can only work together for our family.

i found out today that my grandfather had an affair on my grandma. i would have never known. i didn't have the heart to tell her that the problems we're having is just that, but i wonder if my wife would talk to her and see how they got through it.

my wife finally got out of the house tonight to have drinks with a friend. i'm so happy for that. she never gets out. i hope that she is able to let off a lot of steam, because she needs it.

Long, there are plenty of success stories from couples who have dealt with much more complicated affairs than what you've had. You are not unique. Hopefully that will be encouraging.

'if i can convince her to do the counseling with me i will consider myself blessed'

What counseling are you talking about?

'i guess i've allowed myself to try and ease the pain on her, because i know how much it hurts her.'
How have you tried to ease the pain on her?

Long, once again you have posted an eloquent post that is all about YOU. Is there any way you can post about your wife?