Here is another matter that I am having extremely hard time dealing with. OM is taking my w to airport today. Every fibre of my being wants to confront them, or at least him after she has left. In another posting I put up everyone tells me - no don't do it..<BR>Why ?? I think I should meet this guy and give him a piece of my mind. Let him know that he is an [censored] for getting involved with her etc.<BR>I don't know if I can control this urge.....

I would fight the urge. You will upset yourself more than you already are today and piss your wife off to boot. I'd hang tight and stay home.

Hi MMW: I can understand you have this need, I did too. I am just afraid that you might do something you regret, like hit him or something and then get arrested. With any of its hard to tell what our reactions might be once we are faced with the person we hate the most in the whole world. I confronted OW, unplanned, and quite by accident (I say that God put her in front on my eyes, on the worse day of my life...2 days after I found out about affair). I confronted her, in front of CVS pharmacy, with other people going in and out of the store, I was quite graphic...I told her to stop "f....ing" with my H and other things...she denied but I persisted...I embarassed her and said she was not just going to "stand there and take it"...and left. By this time I was crying histerically, got into my car and called my husband from car phone,sobbed on the phone and thought I was going to die. It was very difficult to confront her...its a completely different story when you are fantasizing about doing it and then actually doing it. I had two days of extreme anger towards her and H bottled up inside of me....and when I saw her come towards me (she didn't know I knew so I caught her by surprise) I just burst, went crazy, fire was in my eyes....it was pretty awful. I would say re-think this one over...cool your head...wait until you less <BR>upset...in my case...she was very lucky I did not physically hurt her...I was very tempted to...but I got a hold myself...be strong..........<P>sad4ever

hello mmw, you said in another post that you are desparate, and you have a lot of issues that you need to think about and work on. I would NOT confront an om or an ow under these circumstances!! You may end up spending the weekend somewhere cold and dark, or calling around looking for a friend to bail you out. And that may be a good scenario compared to some I read about in newspapers. YOu just are not in the right frame of mind for this yet. Some never are, but don't do this now.<BR>Why not spend the time looking at some of the issues in your relationship instead? Are there any contributing factors that you need to address? Job situations? Money? Kids? Respect? Time? What else is going on in your lofe. Use the time to work on yourself instead of focusing on hating this OM. <BR>Yeah, he is pond scum. We all will agree, so don't waste precious energy that could go toward healing the relationship. <BR>Have you read plans a and b? His needs/her needs? After the Affair by Spring or TOrn Asunder by Carder? Vaughan-Vaughan also has books available on their website.<BR>Don't get crazy, you are going to be fine.

MMW,<P>I don't have much time, but let me offer some quick advice. <P>If you do the things you're talking about in your posts today you're going to push your W right into the arms of the OM. Back off! Realize something very important...you can't control her even if it involves something that you view as helpful like giving her material to read.<P>Go see your doctor and get some Xanax. It's for anxiety and works wonders. You take it only as needed and there's no side effects to my knowledge. It'll save your sanity when things start building up.<P>Keep coming here for help/venting.

Again... I too will tell you what you don't want to hear.<P>From real life experince... confronting the OP is a <B>BIG MISTAKE!</B><P>I did it (before I a learned about MBs)... <B>BIGGGGGGGG MISTAKE!</B><P>It is a <B>super</B> big love buster... one from which I am now trying to work back from for months!!!! Had I not done it... there is a chance (good one to boot) that my W would not yet have moved out! <P>Is a few minutes of satisfaction worth months of extremely loneliness to you? I hope not!<P>Please take <I>everyone's</I> advice... We are not steering you wrong here.<P>I'll pray hard for you!<P>Jim<P>-----------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

mmw --<P>Be careful. I confronted the suspected OM about two or three hours after finding the final piece of the "puzzle" -- e-mails. It put all the things in place, and I was determined to rearrange his face.<P>By the time I got there, I calmed down (slightly), and simply stated that 1. I never wanted to find out that he was in my home or with my W again, and 2. If I found that he was having an affair with my W, I'd kill him. That was it. Lasted about thirty REAL INTENSE SECONDS, but message delivered. I felt redemption -- for about another thirty seconds, then like a total idiot!<P>Did I mean it? Yes to #1. No to #2, but I would do some serious damage. In the end, in hindsight, I think I did do serious damage -- to myself.<P>Confronting the OM has probably set me back more than help the rebuilding. His W called a mutual friend of my W, concerned that I had "lost it" and was literally going to kill OM and possibly my W. I still don't know if the rest of the story (the affair between my W and OM) ever was mentioned. All everyone mentioned was the threat "to kill him".<P>Anyway, MAJOR LOVE BUSTER. I think I came off as total irrational, totally out of control. Don't make the mistake. You can be strong by maintaining some sensibility!<P>-- keystone<P>P.S. I guess what I SHOULD HAVE mentioned to OM and my W is that they'd have nothing to worry about if there WAS NO AFFAIR. Oh well...

MMW,<P>I have one question for you that my attorney always asks me. What exactly do you want to accomplish? Would doing this action help or hinder the circumstances?<P>I have a cousin who is a Pagan, the motorcycle gang dudes, and was seriously considering asking them to "take the OM out." Then I sobered up. Would this actually help my situation. Probably not. I harbor no ill will towards Brian. That took alot of time and thinking. I fell in love with my W. She is a great person. I just didn't know how to be a good H. That's not his fault. If I would have been a real H, she would not have had to look elsewhere for attention. <P>I wouldn't do and don't think it would accomplish what you are looking for. Just my opinion for what it's worth.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic, yeah I'm still here.

Heck, I confronted in person some idiot woman who was coming on to my H online. I was so immediately furious and ready to put up proverbial dukes (no physical violence but I sure ran my mouth off in a steely, ladylike way), I wouldn't DARE go meet a REAL OW. I'd get myself into too much trouble.<P>But whew, it sure felt GOOD to tell her that although there wasn't much hope for her face, she needed to fix her roots before she went married-man-hunting again!

Lucks --<P>It may have been a great feeling confronted the OP. But, in the end you spend so much time trying to rationalize (or explain in as much a rational way as the situation will allow) why you did what you did.<P>Although I don't know if my W was having an affair with this OM, I've got a damn good huntch. However, since reading a lot of posts on MB, the best option seems to be confronting the OP's spouse. <P>Thinking and talking go a long way if given the opportunity. Letting your emotions get away from you just compounds the mess.<P>Good luck

HEY, go give him the beating of his LIFE for the rest of us betrayed!! Only kidding.<BR> I confronted OM and threatened his life, house, business, car and his dog.<BR> All it did was confirm the LIES my W told him about me. i.e... I was an abuser. And that I hit her. (LIE NEVER EVER even close) <BR> She was there and I swear I saw a smirk on her face. OM will just want to "save" her more. The piece of CRAP that he is. WHAT A LOSER.<BR> I have an idea MMW, why don't we send a fictitious contest winning "prize" to ALL the OM/OW. We'll say they won $100,000.00 and have to fly to NY to pick it up and take pictures. ( Wait it will be worth the airfare) We get them ALL in one room (without W/H of course) And blow the dam place up!!! OH, then we wouldn't have anything to talk about. NEVER MIND....<P>------------------<BR>desperate<P>

PH,<P>YOU'RE NOT LISTENING ARE YOU? It might make you feel good, but, you're not making any deposits in the love bank. Did you run out of deposit slips?<P>You really have to get a grip. Blowing up the airport, we would have to get in touch with the Unibomber for supplies, and I'm not sure it would fix our problems. As hard as it sounds, back off. You're losing points with the W. <P>This sucks but if you look at it, we made our bed and have to lie in it. I for one am ready to take responsibility for my actions.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic, yeah I'm still here.

DON'T DO IT. DON'T CONFRONT THE OP! YOU'LL REGRET IT MORE THAN THE MOMENTARY SATISTFACTION THAT IT GIVES YOU.<P>Another poster, zip, tells of how the OM's W found out -- by a third party -- about an affair. He was getting ready to confront the OM's W at the time. God must have been on his side, since he didn't have to deliver the news himself. The end result seems to be that all sides -- his W, the OM, and OM's W all know what's on the table. Only know, does it seem, can things get back to rebuilding.<P>Please, don't let your emotions take over. The payoff of the confrontation just doesn't last.<P>-- keystone

Like the many others who have said it: Its a Lose/Lose situation. Don't confront the OP.<P>1. I did this by phone--twice. I ended up looking like a desperate, insecure, idiot. Boy was I mad. Cursed him out good. Only problem is my W defended--HIM. You can only imagine how I felt about that. Good thing my W had been telling him how I was violent, and abusive (all lies). It actually made him fear me.<P>2. I found out he was afraid when I saw him at a club after my W and I separated. He acted like a total a$$, threatend to beat me up, etc... The lord must have been with me, because I could see crystal clearly that the man was scared $hitless. About two months later my W told me it was because of this incident that she ended things with him. She could finally see how immature, he really was.<P>3. It was my calm that scared him, not my anger. I could have easily (physically) hurt the man, but I could see that I had already won.<P>Lesson Learned: Acting out in front of your spouse only makes you look--out of control, and weak. Not very appealing.<P><BR>

..one other thing.<P>If you want to upset their apple cart, try injecting a little reality into their fantasy. I can't tell you exactly what to do, but don't make things easy. Just don't let you W know your the one making it difficult.