I'm hoping for others who can help me or give advice for my situation. I just found out on Jan. 2nd that my husband of 9 years had an affair with someone he met on an online gaming site, who he had developed a relationship with. The affair had gone on for the past 6 months. I was pregnant at the time with our first child, who is now almost 2 months old. My husband had decided to end the relationship at the end of December, and stay with me and the baby, to try to make things right. He did this after the woman he was with asked him to make a decision about who he wanted to be with. We are trying to work things out, and are doing the "His Needs, Her Needs" book and the Romantic Love workbook together. Needless to say, this has been the most painful and emotionally draining time in my life. With the new baby, it's been hard to split my focus without feeling I'm going nuts!!

Are there others out there who have done this program,and found it helpful? We are still struggling...my husband is having a hard time with not continuing communication with this woman, and is still in love with her. Every time he communicates with her, it sets him back. I know he's trying hard, but it's difficult not to feel as if he's keeping her "in the wings" in case things don't work out with us.

We have also thought of doing marriage counseling over the phone through marriage builders. With the program we're doing, it seems the best thing to do, and with the new baby, it would be easier than carting him around to a marriage counselor away from home. We haven't started a true counseling process yet, however. We're just trying to work through some of this on our own, but it's HARD.

I'm just looking for advice about the programs, and if anyone has done the telephone counseling through marriage builders. Was it helpful?

The programs won't work if he continues to have contact with her.

He needs to send a no contact letter to her and sever all contact between them for the rest of his life.

Every contact he makes with resets his withdrawl period back to zero.

Did they ever meet up or was it all just an online/gaming EA?

Is she married?

You need to get the book SAA (Surviving an Affair) and read it cover to cover. It's an easy read and both you and your WH should read it.

Have you exposed this affair to your friends and family?

Mindshare

I've spoken with him about sending her a no contact letter, but he hasn't. All he's done so far (which is a big deal for him) is give me e-mail and facebook passwords, and the password to his online banking. I feel like he's still contacting her anyway, even though he told her that we're trying to work through things and that it's making the situation harder by them talking. They did meet up and were intimate many times. She would even drive down to be with him at his work when he worked "late nights". All this was done behind my back of course. The red flags were all there, but because I trusted him so much and thought this could never happen, I ignored those red flags.
She's not married, she's single and has now moved several states away. I feel like even though she's in love with him, and wants him badly, she was trying to end it, but he won't let it go. He told me he's addicted to her, and has felt like their relationship was a "soul mate" kind of relationship. He is still in the grieving period, but it's been prolonged by his behavior.

It's just really hard trying to be patient in this process, and knowing how long I should put up with it. I ask him almost every day now, if he's had contact with her. At first he was not always honest about it, but I could tell when he wasn't. He has tried to do better about being honest with me about contacts, and I try to not blow up about it, but thank him for his honesty. I've told him my fears of him meeting with her in person again if he keeps the contacts up, and that it's hindering anything we try to work on in our marriage. He says he's aware of this and feels terrible about doing this to me, but he still keeps the contacts going. I guess the bottom line is, he hasn't made the decision in his own mind to sever contacts completley. I'm scared of where this will lead and don't know how to keep dealing with it. I'm prepared to deal with it for a long time if I have to, but I do have limits.

Thanks Mindshare! I did order that book and we are also reading that one as well. It has been very helpful. We haven't shared the affair with anyone. No one (family or friends) know about it. It's been so difficult dealing with it this way. A huge part of the reason is that we're both Christians and are heavily involved with our church family. (I know what Dr. Harley means by affairs having no bounds...even moral convictions). Thats the reason I never thought it could happen to us. My husband always seemed strong in his faith, and actually taught me the gospel. He says that he'd fallen out of love with me (basic needs were not being met). I also think he was depressed, and unhappy with his work. When I got pregnant, it didn't help matters, I don't think. Our sex life died then. It was like a perfect storm.
We both feel like revealing the affair at this time would be like setting off a nuclear bomb. There are so many people we've influenced in the past to be Christians and others who are in the process. It would be devastating and harmful to those relationships, I know. Also, my husband fears that it would harm our relationship beyond repair for everyone to know. I think that if we cannot resolve this with time, others may have to know so we can get help.

If your WH is the sole source of this information than both parts a very likely a lie. If you don't know first hand you need to dig.


Have you exposed the adultery to all who might be able to put pressure on WH; parents, siblings, friends, clergy?

I guess you answered that.





He just isn't feeling terrible enough yet.

He will not stop contacting her if there is no exposure.

A child who keeps getting cookies out of the jar with no other consequence than a toothless feeble plea to stop by the parents will eat a lot of cookies.

Sorry to say this to you, but you are enabling your WH to keep this affair going by not exposing. He needs to feel the consequences of his abhorrent behavior. He needs the shame and the guilt to help give him strength for NC. You are not doing yourself any favors by keeping this a secret. You are only hurting your chances of experiencing a true recovery. Do not be a doormat or he will certainly keep walking on you.

Mindshare

And now YOU need their help.

Your agreement with your WH to keep his secret is working well for him. He stays in contact with his adultery partner and has no consequence.

How is the agreement doing for you?

Thank you guys for telling me what I need to hear. I guess I'm afraid it would be like making drastic demands on him right now when he's trying to do what's right, even if his attempts are feeble at the moment. I'm also afraid he'll just think, "What the hell? People will judge me and think the worst of me forever anyway." and give up on trying to make it right. During one of our conversations about contacts, his reply was, "I stayed, didn't I?" I do feel like he's trying to have "the best of both worlds" so to speak.

I guess I'm just not sure how long I need to give him to try to make it right, before I make the demand to end it, or I'll have to tell others to get the help we need. I think in the Surviving an Affair book, one person who worked with Dr. Harley had a 6 month time limit. However, in that case, I believe others knew about the affair.

This is probably true. But alcoholics don't recover well in bar rooms.

Get your WH to get a phone appointment with Dr. Harley as soon as possible.

Maybe they can get him to understand the critical need for no contact. No counciling or books or programs can help you start to recover your marriage if he has contact with her.

You do not use the threat of exposure as blackmail. The purpose of exposure is to end the affair. You should not tell WH that you are going to do it. Just do it. I know it is a scary thing to think about but it is the single most important tool used to end an affair for good.

Not well. I'm a month into this, and still feel like little has been accomplished. We are communicating better now and spending more time together, but this will go nowhere I know without him ending it with this other woman.

Phoenix1,
My story is that I was a guy who was heavily involved in our former church, but I got myself into an affair -- and to make matters worse, it was with someone else who was in the church (a woman who sang on the music team with me). There was a time when I & my wife never thought it could happen to us, either.

You & your H need to decide now (and YOU must decide by yourself, if he's not willing to come completely clean) which is more important to you: Appearances, or honesty with each other & the people in your life? Sparing yourself some humiliation in the short-term, or possibly saving your marriage in the long term?

Good friends -- if you are open & honest with them -- can be a source of support for your marriage if you & your husband choose to recover, and they can be a crucial source of support for you alone if he's not on-board. They can provide a measure of accountability to him that he's obviously been lacking. I'm not saying you should go broadcasting your situation to everyone in sight, but you NEED to find some people who'll have the best interests of your marriage at heart, and let them in on it now -- it can be a pastor, it can be a couple you trust, but you have got to let people know.

Keeping things a secret does NOT protect your marriage. (On this site, read everything Harley has to say re: exposure.) And if your H's affair is ongoing, if he's maintaining contact, or if he's still in deep withdrawal, then keeping it a secret is not even protecting him! It's more important to protect him (as well as you) from his continuing or resuming the affair than it is to protect him from some short-term humiliation.

Before my affair, my wife & I had been deeply involved in our church. She'd taught Sunday School for years, I'd been on the usher team, the building team, the music team, and I'd been lily-white in my conduct. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, exemplary servants, & all that. Was it humiliating for me to have our closest friends find out otherwise when we disclosed to them what I'd been involved in? You betcha! I trashed 13 years of good works with less than 11 weeks of bad conduct. I felt like I'd turned out to be the perfect anti-witness for anyone who knew! In fact, my wife & I had to leave that church for good, right after I confessed my affair to her, because it was necessary to maintain a practice of "no-contact" with the other woman & her husband. Thus, as a consequence of my recklessness & selfishness, I robbed my wife (as well as myself) of the church family which we'd been part of for 13 years, & which otherwise could've been a major source of support for us as we set out to recover our marriage.

But y'know what? It was crucial for us to let go of all that, and to focus on one another. Friends who God meant to stick with us, have stuck with us. Those that were meant to fall away, have fallen away, and so what? We have found another church. When we're there, we spend less time in serving apart from one another, and more time together. It has been wonderful for our relationship! If we continue to get our recovery right, if I keep my act together, then maybe I'll have a positive story to tell someday.

You say your husband fears that it would harm your relationship beyond repair for everyone to know. Well, I say that for one thing, your husband is still in deep fog, even if he's not in active contact with the other woman; and it may harm your marriage beyond repair if you fail to let some people in on the truth. No one can help you unless they know what you're facing.
It's time for you and your husband to put your money where your mouth is when it comes to all the talk about faith.

Remember this?
I Cor. 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

phoenix, both my H's A and my sister's H's As were busted up by exposure. Tabby, a fellow poster here did a survey and most of the people whose WSs had establish NC had done a good nuclear (all w/n a short time) exposure.

In your case, I would even look at exposing to OW's FB friends since this sounds like your H is very entrenched in his A.

There is a thread right now in which a lot of good advice was given regarding FB exposure, starting at page 2 ---> LINK

Hang in there...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184#Post2296184

Bumped a thread for you Phoenix

Thank you all so much for your replies...I'm so tired emotionally right now. Please pray for me as I work with my husband on this. Thank you so much GloveOil. This really helps me to understand what I need to do. It's so scary to think about, but I know what I have to do now. Pray for us as we go through what must happen.