Boy, I haven't started a thread in a long time!

But I have 2 say, lokil, that I really do think you need someone 2 help you plan when/how 2 disclose what happened 2 your H.

If you don't, I fear that things will not go well for you.

Click on this EARL

-ol' 2long

Thanks I am doing ok but if I see that I need help I won't doubt to get some.

I smell a divorce.

It's what despicable wayward women usually really want.

I will not engage
I will not engage
I will not engage

You already engaged with another man. Who is not your husband.

Now you insist on telling us that your adultery is not a bad thing?

That ripping out your husband's heart, putting him at risk for STDs and god only knows what else is just perfect?

Go to TOW. THEY will SURELY LOVE you.

Where did I said it was not a bad thing, honestly it was a pretty crappy thing to do, if I could turn back time I wouldn't have done it but here I am.

And what are you doing to fix what you have done to your husband? Does he know?

He deserves to know.

My concern with the self-help plan is that it won't really be a plan at all, especially when your H re2rns home.

it will be 2 easy 2 take the path of the CA (conflict avoider).

It'll be softer, at first. That's true.

FWIW, my IC told me 2 months after d-day of my W's 11-yr affair that he advises WSs who've ended their affairs without their spouses finding out, not 2 tell them. That was my W's plan, but I found out about it on my own. Entirely by accident, 2.

I asked that IC what he would recommend a BH do if they discovered their spouse had an affair decades ago when they're in their 70's or 80's? He couldn't give me an answer.

Can you imagine how it might feel for your H 2 discover what you did after having devoted most of his life 2 you?

I've looked back at my marriage during my W's 11-year affair and thought - hm, that explains a lot of things (and none of them happily).

Again, if you don't get professional help, you're more than likely going 2 try 2 sweep your ONS under the rug. That's not easy for a person of conscience 2 do if the BS doesn't know the OP. But you will have 2 watch your H interact with the guy, knowing what you know and he doesn't. I can't imagine anything more disgusting.

And that doesn't even take in2 consideration that the OM has probably done this before. And knowing you won't tell, all he has 2 do is be clever and 'listen' or 'be there for you', or even blackmail you 2 get more.

-ol' 2long

That's really all I had 2 contribute, so I'll go now and let you cogitate. I just wasn't sure if you'd seen my post on your initial thread.

take care, and don't pull out in front of any Toyotas for a while.

-ol' 2long

Thank you that post was really helpful.

Just curious lokil if you have a plan for when your H gets home tomorrow?

Hey, 2L, I heard that! LG, you are creating a monster. Or a whole group of them.

TB
Proud Owner of a 2010 Camry
"Nothin' like doing 80 in a 30 zone"

I have a plan.

why toyotas?

Okay, what's the plan?

You haven't heard of the huge Toyota recall because of the brake problems?

Duh,

They've been in the news for about 2 weeks with gas pedals that stick.

Oh, throw them into neutral and hit the brakes, that will reset the accelerator!

No I have not heard of it but I'm not in the US, I just googled it, scary I have a Toyota.

Where are you? I'm not sure if the recall applies only to vehicles in the US.

South America, our vehicles are emsambled here.

lokil,

Going back to the other thread, no one should be coerced to have sex. However, no one should have to coerce their spouse to have sex with them. Let me tell you, my wife NEVER wants to have sex. I've tried everything. Every time she rejects me, it kills me inside. It makes miserable. We talk about improving our love life, we have sex once (and it's not very good for either of us because she refuses to do anything other than planned and boring) and then we go back to not having sex for a month or two.

However, my wife is the type that wants what she wants when she wants it. If she wants something done around the house, I do it. If she wants to do something on the weekend, I make plans for us. This is all after she cheated on me and I took her back. I have seriously contemplated divorce, but I haven't made any decision. Most of the problem just revolves around our sex life. I resent doing stuff for her when she won't reciprocate. Repeatedly turning down your spouse for sex will kill your marriage. You need to enthusiastically have sex with your spouse. If I were a lesser man, I would avoid conflict and look to get that need met elsewhere, like, I don't know, from my best friend's wife. Sound familiar?

If a spouse has an important need being unmet they will either be miserable, divorce, or look to get that need met elsewhere. Sexual fulfillment is an important need to many people. It doesn't matter if you tired, busy, etc., if that need isn't being met it will spell disaster for a marriage.

You might understand this if you studied Dr. Harley's concepts. Instead you just come here to try and alleviate some of your guilt, not build a healthy marriage. We've already given you a roadmap on how to fix your marriage and how to make amens for your adultery. Since it's not what you want to hear, you ignore it. Just don't come here and advise others on their marriage when you haven't made yours right. A good start would be telling your husband to come home now because you really need to speak with him.

On your "one night stand," the affair was more than one night. Poor boundaries as well as flirting and allowing your friend's husband to meet important needs of your (conversation, admiration) were what allowed you to take your "not just friendship" physical. Luckily, deep down your conscience shocked you back to your senses. Your biggest mistake was not sleeping with your friend's husband, but allowing yourself to get that close to him in the first place.

I know lack of sex kills a marriage, my husband was here about 6 months in 2009. And a few months ago I told him either you change your job or we get a divorce because i'm not doing this any longer.

Either way I mostly stay out of things, I just couldn't everyone was advising this person to shut up, just have sex and smile while she was at it.

As for getting close to him youare probably right this last year I have become extra clingly to the both of htem because I'm so lonely.