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Morning Dazed. smile

How are you feeling today?


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FWH - BB -(PA Jul 08 - Aug 08)
D-Day - 8 Aug 2008
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Sorry Sere, Friday/Sat are chaos here between housework/shopping. First chance I've gotten to get on here.

Today's been another good/bad day. I've spent most of the day in the car running around, so I've gotten to enjoy mental images of WH and OW in my car together, which has been rough.

WH has been very supportive and comforting, which has helped. My MIL is watching our girl's overnight tonight to let us have some time alone together. It's been really hard trying to hold it together and act normally for my kids, so having a night where I can just let loose emotionally is a real blessing.

I'm still working on that letter. I love your version, but I suspect it's probably a bit too accusatory, and much as I want to tell them what wretched parents I think they are, I probably shouldn't! So BUMP for any vets that may have more suggestions pretty please! I'm completely stumped frown


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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Originally Posted by DazedInAus
Today's been another good/bad day. I've spent most of the day in the car running around, so I've gotten to enjoy mental images of WH and OW in my car together, which has been rough.

I'd look into changing the car if I were you.

Originally Posted by Dazed
WH has been very supportive and comforting, which has helped. My MIL is watching our girl's overnight tonight to let us have some time alone together. It's been really hard trying to hold it together and act normally for my kids, so having a night where I can just let loose emotionally is a real blessing.

Alone time is essential but be careful not to let too loose. naughty No alcohol either, as tempting as it might be. I found it virtually impossible to control my LB'ers after I'd had even the smallest amounts of alcohol.

Originally Posted by Dazed
I'm still working on that letter. I love your version, but I suspect it's probably a bit too accusatory, and much as I want to tell them what wretched parents I think they are, I probably shouldn't! So BUMP for any vets that may have more suggestions pretty please! I'm completely stumped frown

No problem with the letter. As I said, writing a letter like this is not within my experience so I'm sure someone else here will be able to come up with something better.

Have a good day Dazed.


Me - BW
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D-Day - 8 Aug 2008
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From my inexperienced point of view, I very much like sere's letter. I think it manages to sound a little bit accusatory without actually being so. It also manages to sound threatening without containing anything that could lead to a charge.

I do wish to question their attitude to parenting. I am horrified that they let their 17 year-old schoolchild move her boyfriend in. It does not matter that they were deceived about his age and status; their job as parents was not to allow their schoolgirl daughter to shack up under their roof!

Although you cannot say that outright, it would be nice to imply that decent people would not have done this, and I think sere's letter does that.

The one thing I do not like is the word "wonderful" (as in daughters). I think that this one word brings in a touch of sentiment and floweriness, and I think the tone should be legalistic and non-nonsense - more "please be warned" than "I am heartbroken".

I might take out the lines about doing all I can to protect the marriage, because they too seem a little emotional to me, but not as much as the "wonderful".

Overall, though, sere's is the kind of letter I would have written. Let's hope for a few more responses soon.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
The one thing I do not like is the word "wonderful" (as in daughters). I think that this one word brings in a touch of sentiment and floweriness...

shocked You have me totally pegged SC. Over sentimental and flowery is me to a T. laugh

One of my jobs was as letter writer for the Chief Executive of a utility company and he loved my writing style but our legal department would often shake their heads at my letters because of the "flowery style" cry so its so funny you should say it too.

Originally Posted by Dazed
Overall, though, sere's is the kind of letter I would have written. Let's hope for a few more responses soon.

Thanks SC. I so hope there are more responses from vets as I want this letter to be right for Dazed. The parents could be important allies.

Can't you call in the troops SC?


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I'll use my megaphone.


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Originally Posted by serendipitous
I'd look into changing the car if I were you.

That was one of my first requirements. Everytime I get in it, questions start running through my brain. I asked a few of them yesterday, but some I just don't want to know. Do I really need to know if it was front or back seat after all? frown What makes it worse it that right before she died, my grandmother bought me a car. We traded in the car she bought me, as payment towards this current one, so now it feels like my grandmother's last gift is tainted.

Originally Posted by serendipitous
Alone time is essential but be careful not to let too loose. naughty No alcohol either, as tempting as it might be. I found it virtually impossible to control my LB'ers after I'd had even the smallest amounts of alcohol.

I was definately careful, though it was hard at times. We went out for dinner to somewhere that has always been special to us both (and he made sure I knew he'd never even mentioned the place to OW, never mind taken her there), and both chose not to drink anything but water and softdrink.

It was really nice, we talked lots, about little things we'd never really talked about before, just random stuff. I enjoyed it.

Unfortunately, we then went to the movies. First thing I see when I walk in is a giant poster for a movie that I'd really wanted to see, that he took OW too sigh That pretty much set the tone for the movie part of the night. He made subtle little digs about my liking for the Twilight series, he never cared before, but OW hates that series with a passion, so it obviously rubbed off.

I had mental images through most of the movie of what they did when they were seeing a movie together, which made it really hard to enjoy it, even though I'd really wanted to see it. I wanted last night to be about US, not them, so I refused to ask any questions and bring her into it more than she already was, but it was hard.

Originally Posted by serendipitous
No problem with the letter. As I said, writing a letter like this is not within my experience so I'm sure someone else here will be able to come up with something better.

Have a good day Dazed.

I think, if I don't get any other thoughts, that I'm going to make the changes Sugar suggested and send something similar to your letter.

As you can see from my original, I'm also the 'flowery' type, which is hard to reign in, but yours hits the spot really well and I much prefer it to mine, I just wasn't sure if it was ok to take a dig at them, no matter how much I wanted to!

Have a great night Sere, as always, your help and support is invaluable!


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I do wish to question their attitude to parenting. I am horrified that they let their 17 year-old schoolchild move her boyfriend in. It does not matter that they were deceived about his age and status; their job as parents was not to allow their schoolgirl daughter to shack up under their roof!

Although you cannot say that outright, it would be nice to imply that decent people would not have done this, and I think sere's letter does that.

I completely agree with you Sugar! I was raised in a single parent family, and my Mother was absent ALOT, so I had very very few rules or boundaries, but even SHE never allowed me to move someone in when I was under 18! I did have boyfriends allowed to stay overnight, but we had a spare room and the doors had to be left open (although she was out so much at night, she missed alot going on right under her nose).

Once I was 18 she did allow it, but she also knew my then BF's family very very well, and she knew everything about my BF including his age and marital status (and if that status had been "married" she would have kicked both of us to pieces, since infidelity by my Dad is what broke my parents marriage up)


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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Dazed, I am so sorry for your pain. Sometimes in reading these posts it sends me right back to those early days of R. I do remember that one night I realized taht without my knowledge or approval, OW had taken a year and a half of my life and I was never going to let her have another minute of my time with DH. That was the night that I quit letting anything she had said, done or thought with my DH bother me. After all, he was with me not her.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
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Originally Posted by saynomore
Dazed, I am so sorry for your pain. Sometimes in reading these posts it sends me right back to those early days of R. I do remember that one night I realized taht without my knowledge or approval, OW had taken a year and a half of my life and I was never going to let her have another minute of my time with DH. That was the night that I quit letting anything she had said, done or thought with my DH bother me. After all, he was with me not her.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thank you Say, that is fantastic advice. She has stolen so much from me, not just the year of the A, but other pieces of my history now feel tainted from this (they parked the car in a place I used to BMX as a child for example). She's not worth allowing her to take anymore from me. I am a million times better than her in every way, and I should put her in the trash where she belongs.

I have always been a very strong person, and have had other things happen in my life where I've stood up and told myself "I will not give this person power over me by allowing it to effect my life anymore", but I wasn't doing that with this. Thank you for reminding me of who I am and how strong I can be!

I know I'm going to have good days and bad days for a long time to come, especially with all this being so fresh and new and the lack of trust and faith in WH I have atm, but I'll keep reminding myself that she's not entitled to another second of either of our times.


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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My WH has 'tainted' more special places and things for me than your average wayward SO I realized that I simply could not play into this personally.

If I were you, I would reclaim the car. Do your own sort of delightful cool thing in it to make it okay again. Something like lay on the seats and chant funny limericks to lighten the aura in it or etc.

The special places that were violated? Go there and say out loud "I reclaim you for my own special memories" (I had to do this to my own hometown. The entire town!)

You can not pitch out all the violated things and places or you would go nuts!







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Originally Posted by reading
My WH has 'tainted' more special places and things for me than your average wayward SO I realized that I simply could not play into this personally.

If I were you, I would reclaim the car. Do your own sort of delightful cool thing in it to make it okay again. Something like lay on the seats and chant funny limericks to lighten the aura in it or etc.

The special places that were violated? Go there and say out loud "I reclaim you for my own special memories" (I had to do this to my own hometown. The entire town!)

You can not pitch out all the violated things and places or you would go nuts!

I really like these idea's Reading, thank you! I'm plotting ways to take back my car as I type!

I am a very spiritual person, OW is an atheist, so I'm definately considering a blessing of some sort, maybe a few crystals or herbs also.

Reliving parts of my childhood at some of these places (I haven't ridden a bike, esp a BMX one in years!) is definately worth considering too. Not just to reclaim 'my' spots, but also to remind me that no matter what I go through, I'm still capable of having innocent, childlike joy.

An entire home town? Ouch! Thankfully I only have a couple of suburbs, though they are pretty large area's. I cannot afford to not claim them back, firstly because that's giving her and the A more power, and secondly, my family live in one of those area's, and I will not allow her to make me want to avoid visiting them!

Thank you so much for your suggestions Reading, I'm such a ball of contradictions atm, I couldn't have even figured out where to start!


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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Today was another not so great day in some ways, but good in others. WH admitted to feeling the withdrawl pretty badly this morning and didn't want to wake me up to help him through it (it was 5amish). However he was strong and apparently resisted the impulse to break N/C, instead waiting for me to get up so we could talk about it.

He also made sure he came home at lunchtime so I knew where he was (showing consideration for my concern that he HAD given in and broken N/C and would see her during his lunch hour like he used to), by his own choice and suggestion.

I'm starting to believe that this time, N/C has really been established and will actually last, he's being much more open with me, taking steps to protect himself from temptation and I'm seeing real, sincere shame and guilt and repentance.

Still looking for more opinions on the exposure letter to OW's parents, and also, I have to admit, kind of wavering on whether there's even a point to it. They already knew he was married and had kids when they allowed him to continue living in their house, will an exposure letter do anything other than annoy them?


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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I'm having a problem atm and hoping someone can give me some advice or differing perspectives.

WH and I talked the affair out and I got all of my questions at that time answered, and I felt like a weight had been lifted, just knowing.

Now, I find more questions randomly popping into my head, and so I ask them as they come up. They don't seem to be deep, burning questions, just random things, like I remembered in a few pictures of her I've seen, she's wearing a heart necklace, so now I want to know if it was my WH that bought that for her, or did he buy her any other jewellry.

The questions bother me enough that I WANT an answer, but this constant popping into my head is causing a form of trickle truth that's really bothering me, because it brings things back to the forefront of my mind and I end up hurting again.

Is this normal? Does anyone have any suggestions for either a better way of dealing with this, ignoring the questions that continue to pop up or just how to get through it and some idea of how long this may continue to occur for?


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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Originally Posted by DazedInAus
Is this normal? Does anyone have any suggestions for either a better way of dealing with this, ignoring the questions that continue to pop up or just how to get through it and some idea of how long this may continue to occur for?

I think it's normal. I've been told to write the questions down and ask them later. Before I ask them I look over them again to see if it's something I really want to know.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Thank you RW. It helps to know I'm not just clinging and it is a normal way of things.

Really not a good day today, I'm very negative, LoveBank feels like it's pretty empty. Wondering if it's worth it, if I wouldn't be better off cutting my losses. If it's really possible for me to ever feel safe with WH husband again, or if I even want to. Do I still love him, even after all this, or is it just my fear of the unknown keeping me trying. How do I tell the difference?

My mind isn't a very nice place at the moment. How do I express all my anger and resentment, without LB'ing? I feel lost and clueless right now and I can't talk to WH about it because he's the cause and I KNOW I'll LB, more than I already have.

He keeps saying his biggest fear is that I'll change my mind about wanting to work on the marriage and I'll walk away, and I keep telling him that I won't do that, but is it true? How can I reassure him when I can't even reassure myself?


BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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I agree - it's pretty normal to be like this.

I also suggest you write them down and sit on them for a week before asking them. It's also normal to ask the same questions a few times.

Is your Husband reading here on MB? Is he following the plan for recovery? It sounds as if he just wants it all behind him - he should not be getting annoyed at your questions.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
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Normal. As new info comes in it causes you to think of new questions.

This is not trickle truth. Your WH has not refused to answer your questions. More like trickle question.

Hard to recover talking about the PA all the time. Being you had your big talk you can set one evening during the week to ask questions. Say Tuesday or Wednesday so you keep the weekends free for recovery.

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Thanks BK and Road, I really do appreciate your insights.

BK, he hasn't expressed an ounce of annoyance or frustration with my questions, but has said that it upsets him a little because it brings his own feelings of shame and guilt to the forefront again, but he's also acknowledged that those are his to deal with and not mine. I'm just wondering if I'm hurting myself more than helping myself at this point.

As Road said, hard to recover if I'm bringing it up constantly and making us both hurt. I think I'll def take the advice to write them down and leave them for a specific time, after re-reading them to make sure I actually want to know. You're correct Road, it's not actually trickle truth, I just didn't know how else to phrase it

BK, he's reading alot on MB, but trying to avoid the forum to give me my space. He knows I'm posting here and doesn't really want me to worry about what I say in case he might read it. I have suggested a few times that him posting here might be helpful for him also, but he hasn't chosen to do that and it's completely up to him if he would like to or not.

We're following the plan for recovery, just waiting for our copy of SaA to arrive from the US publishers as no bookstores in Aus keep them in stock.

Last edited by DazedInAus; 02/09/10 07:16 AM. Reason: sloppy grammar

BW (Me) - 32
WH - 29
2 DD's - 4 & 7
Together 9yrs; Married 3yrs
OG - 17
EA/PA 1/09 - 2/10; D-Day #1 10/01/10 D-Day #2 2/02/10; N/C Est 2/02/10
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Originally Posted by DazedInAus
just waiting for our copy of SaA to arrive from the US publishers and no bookstores in Aus keep them in stock.
Not sure if this is available down under, but SAA is available as an eBook through Amazon...

The US link


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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